That winter was the strangest one of my life. After the near kiss in the back alley things became even weirder between me and Sunggyu.

            Our relationship was oddly great.

            He was being nice. He was playful. He would seek me out to talk about the band and the members. I became his confidant. I was by no means complaining. I enjoyed our new relationship. He didn’t try to make a move on me again. I knew he regretted that night in the alley. We had both just been over stressed and had too much adrenaline. We never mentioned it to each other. 

            The relationship between me and Sunggyu still differed from my relationships with the other boys, though. I still felt tension between us, but I knew it was because of me. He was just being friendly and leading. I was the one who was having inappropriate thoughts every time I saw a bit of his chest. Or every time his eyes smiled at me. Or anytime his skin happened to come into contact with mine. I squashed down all my confusing feelings deep and suffocated them, because life was good right now. Everyone was happy.

            Even Woohyun who was a little awkward around me after that night, had warmed up again. I had been so embarrassed that he had witnessed that tear stained mess of a person. I wasn’t surprised he hadn’t wanted to be around me, but now we were all together and all enjoying life as the spring approached.

            Our promotions were going well and we had already made one music video that was a big hit with the fans. It mostly just showed us dancing and didn’t really have a story, but Sunggyu said that our next music video was supposed to have a concept. He didn’t know what it was yet or for which song. We had a meeting the next day with the executive to talk about the video shoot. I had been eager for it, but when I heard about the concept my excitement dwindled.

           

 

            “Here’s my favorite idol group,” Executive Choi said warmly with his arms out wide as we entered his board room. We all bowed to him in greeting before taking our seats around the table. Sunggyu sat at the head of the table across from the Executive while we all filled out the spaces in between. I sat in the first seat next to Sunggyu while Woohyun sat in the opposite one; across from me. When we were all settled the Executive gave us our progress report.

            “I’m happy to announce that Infinite is one of this year’s most popular Kpop bands. So give yourselves a round of applause.” We all did and Sungyeol hooted a few times too.

            “Today I want to talk to you guys about the concept for the new music video. Normally, I would just have your manager go over this with you, but this video is going to be a little different.”

            He told us then that it was for one of our slower songs on the album. It was a song about unrequited love and living with the memories of someone who didn’t love you back.

            “We are excited to show a softer side to your group.” Everyone was nodding in agreement to the idea, but then he started to address me specifically.

            “Now Julia, this song could be about a male or a female, but for the music video we want to make it about you; since you are the only girl in the group. We want to show you one on one with each of the guys having a good time with them all, but they are just remembering you. At the end we see that you actually left them for someone else.”

            I couldn’t help but make a face. I understood that it went with the concept, but that wasn’t something I would do.

            “I see that look Julia. It’s just acting and we want to make you seem more desirable and to stand out more.”

            “What do you mean by more desirable?” Sunggyu spoke up beside me. I looked to see that he was starring daggers down at Executive Choi.

            “Julia has a very wholesome vibe and we have portrayed her that way thus far. We aren’t changing that, but we will be adding this other male character into the mix for the music video concept. We want her to look wanted by males so that we can increase your male fan base.”

            Sunggyu’s eyes were narrowed with suspicion before he asked, “What exactly will they do in the video?”

            “They will share an on screen kiss.” He said it like it was as simple as breathing to kiss a complete stranger.

            I tried to stop my eyes from popping out of my head. I stuttered a little as I looked at the boys around the table. They mostly looked unfazed by this news, but Woohyun was watching my face closely and Sunggyu was staring at the Executive like he was an idiot. His hands were clenched together in front of him.

            “That doesn’t sound very wholesome to me. Perhaps a hug would work better,” Sunggyu suggested seriously.

            Executive Choi laughed. “I see that you are concerned for your dongsaeng here, but we have the concept all worked out. The kiss will be very tasteful and short. It will almost be the illusion of a kiss. We will hire a very professional actor to play the role of the male. Julia, how do you feel about this?”

            I shook my head slowly and started to say something, but Sunggyu addressed me.

            “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” His eyes pierced mine as he spoke. I stared at him, stuttering for a moment, before the executive spoke again.

            “He’s right Julia, but I really think that this will help to boost the talk about your band and I expect your popularity to rise. I think it’s a good move for you all.”

            I took a deep breath and shook out my doubts. We are a team; a family. I would always do whatever was right for them.

            “I’m fine with it.”

            The executive beamed and went on to talk about where filming would be and when. He went through many of the small details. I tried to pay attention, but the air around me had become suffocating. Sunggyu only stared forward as he looked at the executive without actually seeing him. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me, but his knuckles were white as he grasped his own hands. Woohyun was watching us both with a worried expression.

          

 

            The shoot was the morning after the meeting. Talk about giving me time to prepare. All I had been told was that he wanted the kiss to happen at the end of the day when it was dark outside. At least the dark would fit appropriately with my mood.

            The filming was to be done at a house on a lake in the countryside. We had to wake up at five in the morning to pile in our van and drive there. The ride took three hours. For the first half everyone just cuddled up and slept. I was in the back of the van with Sungjong and Myungsoo. I woke at one point to see that Sungjong’s sleeping head was resting on Myungsoo’s shoulder as they both snoozed. I wanted a photo, but I didn’t want to risk waking them.

            The nerves were wound up deep in my stomach and I was past being able to sleep. It was just me and the manager awake as he drove the car and listened quietly to the radio. Sunggyu may have been awake, too. Either he was awake or he was the stiffest sleeper in the world. From my seat in the back I could see his hand gripping his armrest.

            The sun was up and we were only 20 miles from the set when everyone else began stirring. That was when the dreaded conversation started.

            Sungjongie lifted his head off of Myungsoo’s shoulder with a start. Myungsoo just smiled a sleepy half smile and looked out the window. Sungjong raised his arms above his head with a noisy yawn that woke any member that was still asleep. When he brought his arms back down he brought them over me. He side hugged my body and rested his chin on my shoulder as his eyes searched my face.

            “You okay noona?” he asked, not so quietly.

            Everyone turned to me then, except for Sunggyu whose eyes were watching me through the rearview mirror. I met his eyes for a second before turning away to look at Sungjong.

            “I’m fine.”

            “You’re nervous,” Myungsoo said matter of factly.

            “Noona what are you nervous about?” Hoya turned his body and rested his head on the back of the chair as he rubbed his still sleepy eyes.

            “Stop that.” I said as I hit weakly at his hands. My mom had always told me not to rub my eyes.

            He kept staring at me as he waited for me to answer. Sungyeolie and Dongwoo turned too and narrowed their eyes at me making cute questioning faces as they waited for a response. Woohyun was the only person in the middle seat who stayed staring ahead; either watching Sunggyu or the road.

            “She’s obviously nervous about the kiss,” Woohyun said with a sigh.

            “Are you afraid you won’t be good?” Dongwoo asked.

            “You can practice on me if you want,” Sungyeol offered as he showed me his best kissy face.

            “Yah!” Hoya yelled as he hit Sungyeol in the shoulder.

            “We all know I have the best lips,” Dongwoo joked as he stuck his massive bottom lip out at me. I couldn’t keep my laughter in any more.

            They all beamed proudly after getting me to laugh, the bunch of goofballs, but Sungjong was still squinting at me with his face only an inch from mine.

            “Yes, I’m nervous,” I said to him.

            “But why noona? You’ve kissed boys before right? I mean, you are 21.” He said it like I was ancient.

            I didn’t know what to say. Everyone was staring at me now. Even Woohyun and Sunggyu were turned in their seats looking at me in the back corner.

            “Oh my god, you haven’t!” Sungyeol exclaimed with a shocked grin. “Noona, my offer is still on the table.”

            He was ready for the hits he got from both Woohyun and Hoya.

            Sunggyu had turned forward again and he was no longer looking at me in the rearview. For some reason, I wanted to see his face. Woohyun was in the same boat as me apparently as he leaned forward to peek at him. Everyone else was staring at me in shock.

            “No, I haven’t,” I quietly confirmed. I was only fifteen when I lost my parents. After that I had never even considered dating boys. All I wanted was to sing.

            “Oh noona, no wonder why you’re nervous,” Sungjongie said as he hugged me tighter. He gave good hugs. “I bet the actor will be a perfect gentleman and probably really handsome too.” His tone brightened as he said handsome and Myungsoo elbowed him for it.

            “Noona fighting!” Hoya shouted suddenly giving me a little surprise. My clowns in the backseats all cheered me on, but I just kept trying to spot a glimpse of Sunggyu.

            After the mini support rally, everyone quieted down for the rest of the drive. It was only thirty minutes later that we pulled up to the lake house that would become our filming set. The house was modern looking with giant glass windows that revealed the inside. The outer face of the building was made of sleek dark wood. It was a beautiful house, but I was quickly distracted as we drove behind it and I spotted the lake.

            The lake was surrounded on one side by trees and wilderness. Reeds and long green grasses wound around the other half of the lake and lined the dock that jutted out into the water. I stared out the window of our van in quiet awe at the magnificence of the lake. Living in the city for the last six years I had missed the wilderness. In America, I was raised in New England and spent a lot of time outdoors. I missed it more than I had realized.

            The boys piled out of the van and stared around in wonder. Hoya stopped outside the open door of the van with his back to me as I crawled from the back seat to the opening. I tapped him on the shoulder to move, but he just tapped his own shoulders and looked back at me with a smile.

            “The grass is wet noona you’ll ruin your pretty shoes,” he explained. I looked down at my sequined slip on shoes that left the tops of my feet bare. My brain hadn’t been in the right place when I got dressed that morning. I looked at the long grass and saw that it was shining with early morning dew.  

            I rested my arms around his neck and crawled onto his back like a monkey. Once Hoya was sure I was secure, he gave me a piggy back ride out of the van. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he held my arms as he launched himself forward and ran around on the wet grass while I screamed laughing.

            My nerves were forgotten for the moment as Hoya took me on an airplane ride like I was a five year old, but it was just what I needed. When he got tired he stood near the others with me still clinging to him like it was the most natural thing in the world. The others were unfazed as they continued to talk about our new surroundings.

            “My turn!” Sungyeol yelled as he went to pull me off Hoya’s back so he could have a piggyback ride too. As much as I wanted to see that, I was comfortable clinging to Hoya and trying to forget about my impending kiss.

            “Yah! The ground’s wet,” Hoya yelled at him. Sungyeol looked confused, but then I waved one of my pretty shoes in his face and stuck my tongue out at him while Hoya laughed his funny little laugh.

            Sungyeol reached in snake fast and slipped my shoe off my foot before running away and disappearing around the van. I was laughing so hard I was crying, but then I noticed Sunggyu watching me with a strange expression and I remembered what we were here for.

            I looked to the house and saw that our manager was returning with the director of the music video. I whispered to Hoya to put me down, but he shook his head no.

            Sungyeol ran back then with an “oh ” look on his face. He slipped the shoe back on my foot like I was Cinderella and Hoya finally put me down. I tried to hide my amusement. Hoya was right, my shoes were not appropriate. My thin little slip-ons were not protecting my feet from the cold or the wet as we moved to the pebbly driveway. I was so frazzled today.

            We greeted the director with bows all around before he went over what they planned to get done by the end of the day. The director addressed me the most as I was in the most shots. He hoped to get the whole shoot done in one day, but if we couldn’t we had to come back tomorrow and no one wanted that. The scenes with me and the boys were to be filmed while it was light out because they were depicting happy, bright memories. My kiss scene was to be done on the dock by the lake when it got dark out. The way the director described it sounded nice. The moon would be shining on the lake and the fireflies would be lighting up the night, but I’d still be kissing a stranger.

            The director wasted no time as we were thrown right into our scenes. I was rushing around like a chicken with my head chopped off the whole day. I had to change costume for each happy memory with each band member and run to the different sets. I had fun with all the guys, though. Oddly enough, one of the scenes had me receiving another piggyback ride, but the scene was with Woohyun, not Hoya. By the time I finally got to Sunggyu’s scene I was ready to pass out. I could barely take the emotional strain I felt when I looked at him now. I wanted him to smile at me, but he wouldn’t until the camera was rolling. His fake eye smile still warmed my heart.

            I looked with unease as we were led to a rope swing under a large beautiful tree not far from the lake. I thought about the time Sunggyu had comforted me by silently pushing me on the swing from, what the boys had started calling, Julia’s playground.

            I peeked at him, but he didn’t meet my eyes as he pulled on the ropes and checked their sturdiness. It was Leader Gyu with me now. Always making sure everything was right.

            When our scene ended, the director said I could take a twenty minute break before I had to go to the dock and meet the guy I’d be kissing. We had to wait for the sun to set. I sat on the swing and just breathed in and out as Sunggyu stood by awkwardly with his back to me. He was scratching his head as he clearly struggled with his own thoughts.

            I stood up and slipped my shoes off. I wanted to go look around the lake. I lifted the skirts of the white flowy linen dress they put me in and silently walked away from Sunggyu. He was so wrapped up in his own head he didn’t notice me disappear around the back of the tree. I moved slowly through the wet grass. As I got closer to the lake I could feel cold mud squishing between my toes.

            I was staring at the surface of the still water silently when I noticed a particularly beautiful tree to my right. It was a weeping willow. I could just barely see under the branches as the wind blew them around. I noticed some yellow wildflowers growing around it. I walked towards the shelter wanting to see what else was hidden beyond the droopy branches.

            I slowly poked my head through the hanging arms of the tree like I was parting a stage curtain. Under the tree it was even more beautiful. The setting sun broke through the leaves and branches and formed a golden yellow mosaic over the flora covered ground. I stepped through the different wild flowers and weeds as I approached the trunk of the tree. I moved my hands over the smooth bark marveling at how beautiful it was. My eyes closed as the frogs and bugs sang me a song.

            But my eyes flew open again as I suddenly felt hands on my shoulders. I turned to see Sunggyu’s face hovering above mine. His eyes were serious as he gently held me against the tree. His gaze moved from my lips to my eyes once before he gradually leaned his body into me.

            My eyelids closed slowly when his lips parted mine. His kiss was warm and gentle, almost like a whisper. He pulled tenderly on my bottom lip as he moved back. With my eyes still closed, I felt the tip of his nose ghost over my cheek and travel up to the top of my head. I listened as he took in a deep breath of my hair before he placed another soft kiss on my forehead.

            His touch disappeared completely; leaving my skin tingling in his wake. I stayed leaning against the tree trying to breath for what felt like only a moment, but when I opened my eyes I was alone again. There was no proof that he had ever been there except for his lingering taste on my lips.           

            I waited there until the sun had set, just trying to get a grip on myself. My heart pounded in my ears blocking out the sounds of the wildlife.

            I finally left my haven and went to the dock to meet the director in a daze. The actor introduced himself with a large smile and I looked at him unseeing. I just saw that he wasn’t Sunggyu. His eyes didn’t smile when his mouth did. His eyes were larger. He was a little taller. His hair was darker. His nose was sharper. His lips didn’t look as soft and I wished that I wouldn’t have to find out whether I was right or not. It just wasn’t him. Why did Sunggyu do this to me right now? I couldn’t focus.

            The fireflies had come out as I was led to the end of the dock to film the kiss. I must have looked uncomfortable because the director assured me we would be quick and I’d finally get to rest. He complimented my coloring in the light, saying that my cheeks were reddened in a great way for the kiss scene. I looked up at Not-Sunggyu and thought of something else when he leaned in to kiss me. His lips didn’t move as they rested on mine and they weren’t as soft as his.

            We had to film the kiss again because I was clenching my eyes closed. The director said it made it look like I was in pain. I closed my eyes again and thought of Sunggyu. I replayed his kiss in my head and disconnected my consciousness from my body completely.

            “That was it Julia! Great job! That’s a wrap,” the director said cheerily.

            “It was very nice meeting you,” I said as I shook the actor and director’s hands before I ran away from them; not caring how crazy I looked. I needed to be around my family.

            When I was in the house I found Dongwoo first as he was standing at the food table stuffing a roll in his face. I jumped right onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck; nearly choking him.

            “You alright, noona?” Dongwoo asked after swallowing the food in his mouth. I rested my head on his shoulder and nodded.

            “Have I told you that I love you?” I asked hugging him tighter.

            He laughed out loud before answering. “I know you do noona. I love you, too. Are you sure you’re okay?”

            “Never better,” I said brightly before jumping down and running away to find another member to hug and confess my love to.

            I tried to pick up Woohyun around the waist and spin him, much to his surprise, but I wound up just hugging him around the waist. He stood stock still. “I love you, Woohyun!” I ruffled his perfectly styled head of hair before running down the hall to find someone else.

            I had only been drunk once in my life before and this was what had happened. I told everyone how much I loved them. But tonight I hadn’t been drinking. I was just love drunk. And relieved that the shoot was over.

            Once I had hugged just about everyone I closed myself inside my dressing room. I leaned back on the door and let out a deep shaky breath. My fingers went up to my lips and brushed over them remembering Sunggyu there. I pulled a little on my bottom lip and smiled like a sixteen year old with a crush. I should’ve been tired after running around all day filming the video, but I suddenly had a little spastic fit where I stood.

            Then there was a soft knock on the door behind me.

            I opened the door trying not to beam at whoever it was, but I ended up beaming more when I saw Sunggyu. He must have been expecting one of my typical sad pity parties to greet him because his face went from concern to relief in a second.

            I grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him into my dressing room. This time it was me pushing him up against a wall. I wasn’t quite as gentle. I heard a thwack as his head hit the hard surface. And then he was laughing. I failed miserably at being y and I hadn’t even begun trying.

            His laugh was contagious. His whole mouth was open wide and I could see all of his teeth as he cackled at me.

            “Stop,” I chuckled with my hands on my hips.

            He pressed his lips together, but his shoulders were still shaking with his extreme amusement. He was making the most delightfully humorous sounds as he struggled not to laugh at me.

            I became stony faced as I glared at him. He lost it again.

            I moved forward to hit him, but he grabbed me under my arms and lifted me off the ground. My feet were floating above his shoes as he embraced me. I felt his laughs now and I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off my face.

            “Can I ask you for one thing?” I whispered into his ear.

            His laughing finally quieted down and he rubbed the side of his face into my hair as he inhaled my scent.

            “Anything,” he answered. I felt his lip brush my ear and shivers ran down my spine.

            “Kiss me one more time, please,” I begged him almost wanting to cry with need.

            Starting from my ear, he kissed a slow trail along my jaw all the way to the corner of my mouth. It was the best kind of torture waiting for him to kiss my lips again. I got impatient and  moved to kiss him myself, but he pulled away; teasing me cruelly. I threw my head back and let out an inhuman whine as I kicked my feet and  accidently hit him in the shin.

            We were both smiling this time when our lips finally met. Pure joy was transferred between our bodies as I felt like I could taste his smile. His kiss washed away any lingering memories of the Not-Gyu that had kissed me earlier. The stranger vanished as I immersed myself in my Sunggyu.

             I would’ve stayed like that forever, but he backed away and put me down. I wobbled a little and he chuckled at me before his expression morphed. He was turning back into Leader Gyu before my eyes.

            “We have to go back,” he said quietly.

            He may have been referring to the dorm, but I knew what he really meant. I suddenly became depressed. I had forgotten the whole world that we lived in when he kissed me. We weren’t allowed to kiss. We would both be terminated from the band if Woolim Entertainment knew.

            “We can’t be together.” I had meant it as a question, but it came out as a sad fact. It was exactly that.

            “No, we can’t.” He was staring at the ground with his head down.

            “Why did you do it?” I asked as I stepped closer to him. I bent my head so I could look into his eyes as they stared downward. “Why did you kiss me if we can’t?”

            If anything the kiss was just going to make life harder on both of us. It definitely would for me. All I could think about was touching him again. I wanted to breath him in like my own personal source of oxygen.

            He regarded me with a deep misery that nearly shattered my already broken heart. “Your first kiss should be with someone who loves you.”

            “I’m guessing I wasn’t your first?”

            He just shook his head no.

            “Did she love you?”

            “I had thought so at the time,” he said still shaking his head. “But she didn’t.”

            “Well she’s a fool,” I muttered angrily. He tried not to smile at me as I made vain attempts to control my sudden annoyance. I didn’t like that he was upset.  

            I wanted nothing more than to kiss his sadness away. It would make him feel better. It would definitely make me feel better.

            I made a move towards him, but stopped when the door flew open and Dongwoo popped his head in.

            “Noona! Oh hi Hyung,” he said as he noticed Sunggyu. “Noona, I can’t find my shoes anywhere. Have you seen them?”

            “Yah!” Sunggyu yelled as he held the back of his hand up towards Dongwoo. “You don’t just walk into a woman’s dressing room!”

            “Why are you here, hyung?” Dongwoo asked sincerely.

            “Yah!” Sunggyu yelled again as he marched towards the door.

            “Sorry noona!” I heard Dongwoo say as his head disappeared and he escaped the rage of his fearless leader.

            I couldn’t help but laugh despite my depression as I went for the doorknob.

            “Where are you going?”

            “I can never resist a good mystery,” I said as I faked excitement. “Although, I think we both know that Sungyeol put them somewhere. His new thing is stealing shoes it would seem.”

             I opened the door to leave but then closed it again. I turned to him and grabbed his face between my hands. I gave him my own attempt at his signature eye smile before I planted a big noisy kiss on his forehead. I definitely had a different style.

            When I looked back down to his eyes they were looking at me in wonder.

            “And I love you, too Kim Sunggyu. Infinitely.”