I left early in the morning before everyone else woke up. I wore sunglasses and a hat so that the public wouldn’t recognize me. The night before I had been staring at my glass sunflower just marveling at its perfection when I realized that I had so many mementos from Sunggyu and he had nothing from me. I had a necklace, a flower, a stuffed leopard and a nearly full journal. I felt like a bad person for never giving him anything.

            I went into lots of little shops trying to find something to give him, but nothing was calling out to me. He was so much more thoughtful than I was. Everything I had from him was something I treasured. I didn’t want to disappoint him with a crappy throw away gift. I had to stop myself from buying things for everyone else, though. There were multitudes of items that screamed out the other member’s names, but nothing screamed Sunggyu.

            I just wanted something that would tell him exactly how I felt about him.

            I froze in place as I had an epiphany. I ran back to the dorm with a stupid grin on my face.

            Some of the guys were hanging out in the main room and watched with curiosity as I passed them and went into my room. I closed myself inside and brainstormed for the rest of the morning hours. I looked through my closet for something cute to wear, but I didn’t want it to be too cute. I gave up my search and just put on an old pair of jeans and a black v-neck shirt. I was terrible at being a girl, but he hadn’t seemed to mind that thus far.

            I poked my head into the main room to find it empty for once. Sneaking quietly I made my way to the laundry nook where I could access the attic. I pulled down the stairs and climbed up. My head moved from side to side as I surveyed the room. The attic felt old and new at the same. It’s condition was old and filthy, but the fact that no one had been up there made it feel like a new little world. I spent the rest of the day closed in the attic; cleaning. I heard someone calling to me at one point, but I stayed quiet. I wanted to keep my plan a secret. Whatever it was could wait.

            When I had finished cleaning I set up a candle and placed my gift in the middle of the room. It wasn’t perfect, but it was what it was. I clamored down the stairs with my cleaning tools and listened for people. It didn’t sound like anyone was around so I left the stairs down.

            After peeking up at the clock in the kitchen I saw that it was nearly 10pm. I had been up there way longer than I had realized. It seemed everyone was in bed which would make sneaking back up easier.

            A smile spread across my face as I took out my phone to text Sunggyu.

            He had been hiding in his room all day; dreading seeing her. Woohyun had gone to him to apologize for his betrayal a few times, but Sunggyu had given him a look that sent him running every time.

            What was he going to say to her? Would he have the strength to say it? He spent the whole day lying in his bed unable to find rest.

            His heart jumped when he received a text.

            Meet me in the kitchen. I have a present for you :)

            He smiled despite himself at the smiley face. It was one of the only emoticons she knew how to make. She was always asking him what the different faces the other guys texted her meant. She was kind of like an old lady when it came to technology, but he found it charming.

            He stopped smiling as he tried to figure out what to do. He was tempted to just give her the silent treatment in hopes she would get bored and stop caring about him. He had a feeling that plan wouldn’t work. At first he had decided just to tell her the truth, but that wouldn’t change her feelings for him either. The fact that they shouldn’t be doing this was evident. She already knew that. He needed  a method to end it for good.

            After contemplating for awhile he decided now was as good a time as any to do this. When he found her in the kitchen his heart automatically started to beat faster.

            Her hair was up for once revealing more of her neck and collarbones than usual. Even just seeing her ears that were normally hidden by her hair sent shivers down his spine. He saw the necklace was nestled above her chest. She was wearing a tight v-neck shirt and a pair of worn blue jeans that hugged her every curve. He tried not to think about her body and focused on her face. It didn’t help. Her plump lips were pushed out in a pout from him making her wait so long. Her doe eyes wanted to look agitated, but he saw them light up when he turned the corner.

            “Thanks for taking forever,” she said sarcastically as she came up behind him and started pushing him towards the laundry room.

            He tried to say something to make her stop, but she hissed at him to be quiet and for some reason he did as she said. He felt like he wasn’t going to be able to do what needed to be done.

            She pushed him to the attic stairs and he was suddenly filled with dread. What did she have up there?

            He stopped at the bottom of the stairs; not wanting to go any further.

            “Stop Julia,” he growled as he turned to her.

            He was shocked at his own tone. She backed away from him a little. Her face was the perfect picture of shock. Please forgive me.

            “I just…” she started quietly; suddenly unsure of herself. Her anxious tone hurt his ears. “You’ve given me so much. I just wanted to give you a gift.”

            “I don’t want it,” he said coldly. He looked her dead in the eyes as they widened in surprise.

            “It’s nothing big, though. It’s just a memento,” she said trying to sound positive and sooth him. Of all things, she felt the need to comfort him. His hands clenched painfully.

            “We are over, Julia. I don’t want any mementos of you. I just want to forget that any of this happened. I want to forget that we ever happened.”

            He realized that this was  a little sudden, but it was in his character to spring things on her. He was hoping maybe she’d be used to his hot and cold behavior by now, but he hadn’t been cold in so long. And this was worse than cold. He feared she might freeze to death. He felt like the worst kind of scum.

            She was clutching her necklace without realizing it as she tried not to cry. Even though he was the one hurting her, she was comforting herself with something from him. He felt sick to his stomach, but continued anyway.

            “You should just go to sleep and forget too.”

            “But h-how can I just forget? Did I do something wrong? Are you just doing this because of the contract? Because I underst-” She had taken a step towards him as she spoke, but she backed away further as he continued heartlessly.

            “Contract or not, I don’t feel the same way you do.”

            Please don’t make me say that I don’t love you.

            He knew that was how she would take this. It was killing him as it was. He wasn’t sure if he had it in him to actually say those words.

            She just stood with her head down and her hand clutching the sunflower necklace as tears fell silently from her eyes.

            “I understand,” she said quietly. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved that she so easily accepted his lies or disappointed. She really doesn’t know how much I love her? How could she be fooled so easily?

            “From now on we are just going to work together. I’m your leader, not your boyfriend.” He regretted saying that part. She had already accepted, but he was still hammering a nail into her heart.

            “I understand,” she whispered. He could barely hear her.

            She left then as silently as a ghost and went into her bedroom.

            He struggled to keep himself together as he went to his own room and kicked Woohyun awake.

            “Hyung, what’s wrong?” He asked as he uncharacteristically popped right out of bed.

            He grabbed Woohyun’s arm and brought him into the main room. He pushed him on to the ground across from Julia’s bedroom.

            “Stay there and watch her door. If she comes out you follow her anywhere she goes and make sure she is safe. Can you do that for me?” he spoke right in his ear so she wouldn’t hear from her room. He wished he knew how she was in there.

            “Of course, hyung.”

            Woohyun was still feeling guilty and Sunggyu trusted that he would take this task seriously.

            He left him there and approached the attic stairs. He didn’t want to know what was up there, but he had to know.

            When he poked his head into the room he looked around to see that she had cleaned the whole attic. The floor looked new as he watched the flame from the melting candle flicker in the reflection sent up by the floors shine. Next to the candle was a familiar looking object with a bright yellow bow wrapped around it.

            He sat crossed legged on the ground and picked it up. He moved his fingers over the worn leather journal as he untied the ribbon and let it fall to the floor.

            Tears filled his eyes as he opened to his note in the back only to find a new note beneath it.

            To my dearest Sunggyu; the brave, fearless, incredibly handsome leader, and best friend of all the many members of the band Infinite! Sunggyu I wanted to give you a gift that would let you know exactly how I feel about you. I’m not as clever as you with your incredibly thoughtful presents. Instead, I’m literally going to give you every feeling I have had since we’ve known each other. They may not all be good, but they are all true. And I don’t want to hide anything from you. I just want you to know how much I truly love you. I feel like I’ve been wandering around these last six years with no purpose in life until I finally found you (and the other guys too, of course!) AH I’m running out of room on the page! Of course, I just wasted paper writing that. And that too. AH! I better make these last few lines count. Here it goes… I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

            Infinitely yours,

            Julia :)

            Tears fell from his eyes and onto the paper as Sunggyu finally lost all control. He brought the journal up to his face and cried into the leather, probably tarnishing it forever. Time stretched on endlessly as he curled in a pathetic ball around the journal. He tried to read some of it because he felt she deserved that, but he saw his name so many times that his guilt threatened to destroy him. He saw with deep sadness that she had written little bits of original lyrics and poetry that were inspired by him.

            He remembered her face as she accepted everything he had said to her. She didn’t know how much he loved her back.            

             What have I done?

            I refused to leave my room. If I left my room I might see him. I felt like such a fool to believe he would actually love me. Of course he didn’t. I was pitiful. I realized when he was telling me he didn’t have the same feelings as me that he had never actually told me that he loved me. Not directly. Not in the way that meant I love you and only you. He had told me once that they all loved me, but I knew that was platonic love. After he kissed me he said that my first kiss should be with someone that loved me, but that didn’t mean that it couldn’t have been Dongwoo or Myungsoo or any of the boys. They all loved me too. Sunggyu was just the one to take the bullet. He didn’t love me any differently than the others did. I should’ve known that all along.

            No one else knew what was wrong with me and I just told them I was sick. They let me be. I was allowed to wallow all day and night. I only left my room to use the bathroom. Sungjongie tried to make me eat and drink, but I had no appetite.

            I was only going to allow myself one day of self pity, but when the next day arrived I still refused to leave my room. I regretted it the moment Sunggyu came storming in.

            “Eat this and drink this,” he said gruffly as he put down a bowl of rice and a water bottle. I just stared at them. I didn’t want to look at him. “I’m the leader and if I tell you to do something you do it.”

            He left then, slamming the door. I drank the water and ate a spoonful of the rice, but it tasted like ash in my mouth. I grabbed a handful of the sticky rice and threw it out the window through the bars. I made sure not to get any in my flowerbox. The wad of rice hit the dirty ground with a satisfying thunk.

            As I became more and more exhausted I was finally able to find sleep, but I only had nightmares; tossing and turning the whole time.

            I exited the room once wanting to go outside and feel the air, but I saw Sunggyu’s face as he was leaving his room. I closed the door quickly and ran back to my bed like I had seen a ghost.

            I wasn’t sure how many days had gone by when Sunggyu came in and told me that we had a meeting to go to the next morning. His voice was oddly kind. I thought his kindness would make me feel better, but it hurt more. I couldn’t see him or hear him without wanting to cry.

            When it was time for the meeting I got dressed in whatever I grabbed first. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I went out to the van and crawled in the back while I waited for everyone else. Only Sunggyu climbed into the passenger seat before the manager pulled away from the dorm.

            I wanted to ask what was going on, but it would’ve required me to speak and I just didn’t feel up to it. I worried as we drove along that they may be bringing me to an insane asylum to have me admitted, but we eventually pulled up to Woolim Entertainment’s building.

            I followed three steps behind Sunggyu the whole way there. Every time he looked at me he seemed about to speak, but he couldn’t. He always looked away from me quickly, too. He can’t even stand the sight of me.

            Apparently neither could Executive Choi.

            “Err… Julia you aren’t looking so well,” he said with a concerned face. I wondered if he was concerned for me or for himself in the event a fan were to see me.“You look a bit pale and skinny. You know in your contract..”

            I was about to tell him to bite me when Sunggyu spoke up. “Can we please just start the meeting?”

            The Executive looked to the manager with disapproval at what a mess I apparently was. I hadn’t looked in a mirror so I just took everyone’s word for it that I looked wretched.

            When everyone took their seats I automatically sat in the one closest to me with my back to the door. I was surprised when Sunggyu took the seat next to mine at the head of the table. I would’ve thought he’d sit as far from me as possible.

            “Okay, Sunggyu. Why have you called this meeting today?”

            My head pricked up and I looked between the two of them. Sunggyu had planned this meeting?

            “I’ve called this meeting today to inform you that there has been a breach of contract,” Sunggyu said simply. I became rigid in my seat.

            “Excuse me?” The Executive suddenly looked very tense.

            “I came here today to let you know, in person, that I have breached the rules of my contract and will be terminating myself from Infinite.”

            My head whipped around to him so fast I may have given myself whiplash.

            “What are you doing?” I asked him in alarm. My voice came out hoarse either from the shock or from the underuse of my vocal chords.

            He kept staring at the Executive as he waited for his response.

            “In what way have you breached your contract?”

            He spoke matter of factly. “I have fallen madly in love with Julia.” He waited for that to register with the Executive and the Manager before he continued. “I have also kissed her multiple times which makes me subject for immediate termination even if I wasn’t deciding to leave for myself.”

            “Now Sunggyu, I don’t know what kind of prank you are trying to play on us, but this isn’t funny.”

            “I never said it was. I think it would be in your best interest to make Julia the leader in my stead. Of course, her break of the contract you will be able to look over seeing as how she is the only female in the band and she is the one that the whole country has fallen in love with. There is no Infinite without Julia,” he said seriously; making sure everyone understood him. At some point tears had started falling down my cheeks.

            “Stop Sunggyu,” I begged. He still wouldn’t look at me.

            “The members listen to her more than they ever listened to me and I know that she will be a good leader.”

            “Sunggyu,” I cried out loudly.

            “She cares about the band more than anything or anyone and that includes me,” he said finally meeting my eyes. He smiled at me sadly and I felt my heart start to beat out of control as panic gripped my chest.

            He reached out and took my hands then. His skin on mine woke every dormant feeling I’d been trying to suffocate since his rejection. He moved his thumb over my hand as he spoke; looking deeply into my frantic eyes.

            “You are going to lead now and I need you to be strong for the others. You once told me that the band would be lost without me, but you were wrong. It’s you they would be lost without. It’s always been you. They are your responsibility now. You can do this. I know you can,” he spoke only to me and ignored the men at the other end of the room as they tried to get his attention.

            “If you leave now Kim Sunggyu you will never work in this industry again!” Executive Choi threatened.

            Sunggyu rose then and bowed to both the Manager and the Executive before walking towards the door and out of my view. I sat staring at the table top; trying to control my heart’s rapid beating. This is all just a nightmare. I will wake up any second.

            Sunggyu’s hand suddenly appeared from behind me and gently pulled my head all the way back. Instead of seeing the ceiling tiles I saw his face as he brought his lips over mine. The upside down kiss woke every sense in my body. My back arched with pleasure as I grabbed his hair and pulled him closer. My eyes were closed tight as I tried not to weep. The kiss was slow and deep, but it was also desperate. I felt a tear drop from his eye onto my cheek as he kissed me like it was the last time.

            When we connected like this everything else disappeared. I forgot that we were in a room with other people and just absorbed myself in Sunggyu.

            His lips moved from mine and I bit down on his bottom lip to try and stop him, but he slipped away. I gasped for air as he glided his nose up to my forehead and into my hair the same way he did the first time we kissed. It was like his own kissing signature.

            His lips touched on my forehead with another little kiss before he brought his mouth close to my ear and whispered, “I love you and only you, Julia. Infinitely.”

            When his hands left my face I all but collapsed onto the table as I sobbed. I wanted to go after him, but all the strength I had left my body. I could already feel his absence. He was gone. Just like that.

            I could hear the Manager and the Executive talking to each other, but I didn’t listen. I was eventually escorted by the manager out of the room and down to the van as I cried the whole way. I didn’t care who saw me.

            Nothing mattered anymore.