I only had a concussion but you would think that I was dying. I was not allowed to do a single thing. Dongwoo insisted on feeding me. Myungsoo still insisted on holding my water cup and when I made move to get up and use the bathroom Sungyeol asked if I wanted him to carry me there. They were really being a little ridiculous.

            It was the day after the incident and I was a little lightheaded, but all in all I couldn’t wait to leave. I hated hospitals. The only other time I had ever been in a hospital was the night my parents had died.

            Sunggyu had left before I woke up and apparently took Woohyun with him. I told the other boys that they could leave to shower and rest, but they didn’t want me to be alone. Myungsoo and Dongwoo stayed the whole day while the others went home. They tried to keep me entertained when I was awake and they took naps at the same time I took mine. After four pm, they were relieved by Sungyeol and Woohyun.

            “How are you doing noona,” Woohyun asked as he placed his hand on my head. The nurse had changed my bandage to a much smaller and less ridiculous one.

            “I feel fine,” I said exasperated. At my tone he took his hand away.

            “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m just sick of being here,” I apologized. “I don’t like hospitals,” I continued in a hushed tone.

            His eyes grew sad as he must have realized what I meant.

            “I’ll find out what’s going on. Sungyeol keep an eye on her,” Woohyun said before leaving.

            Sungyeol looked at me with a grin, “Want me to dance for you?”

            I snorted at the offer, but then I nodded yes. I was laughing from the first move. Sungyeol really knew how to cheer someone up. When he got tired he just sat next to me and told me more preposterous stories while we waited. Where was everyone? I hadn’t seen a doctor or manager Jungryl in ages. Or Sunggyu.

            Just as I was thinking it, Sunggyu entered the room looking on edge.

            “Sungyeol, you can wait outside,” he said quietly.

            “Okay hyung. Do you know when-”

            “Sungyeol-ah,” he said with a sharp look. Sungyeol left then, but not before waving cutely at me.

            “What’s wrong?” I asked when our dongsaeng was gone.

            “I’ll let the manager explain,” he said without looking at me. I didn’t like this.

            A few minutes later Jungryl came in with a strained smile on his face.

            “Julia, how are you?” he asked brightly.

            “Confused…” Was he going to tell me I was dying because I would hope the doctor would tell me that herself. I wasn’t five.

            He shot a look over to Sunggyu before he sat on the chair next to me. “There have been a few developments since you have been in the hospital. Apparently, there was a fan that witnessed what happened last night.”

            “Okay… so we have a witness that’s okay, right?”

            “No, they didn’t see the incident, but they saw what happened after and now they are spreading rumors over the internet.”

            “I don’t remember anything after I got hit. W-what happened?” I looked over to Sunggyu but he still wasn’t meeting my eyes.

            “Well you will have to ask your band mates because I wasn’t there, but the fan account says that Sunggyu and yourself were very close and that you appeared to be intimate with each other.”

            My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “What?! Nothing like that happened! Sunggyu?” I looked to him but he was still looking at the floor; shaking his head now.

            “I’ve talked to Sunggyu and the other band mates and I know that it is all just a rumor. You don’t have to worry about your contract or anything like that. Just breath.” I realized my chest had tightened. I relaxed a little. “But we do have the issue now of what to do about the actual attack. The executives fear that if we reveal your injuries to the public it will only help to validate this rumor. We worry about what this rumor could do to the band since you guys are still in your beginning stages. The injury itself can gain you sympathy, which would be good, but the relationship rumors can be very deadly to your group’s success if people believe it.”

            “So you just want to keep the attack a secret?”

            Jungryl nodded with a worried look on his face like he thought I’d say no.

            “Okay, I understand.”

            “What do you mean you understand?” Sunggyu finally spoke up. He was staring at me as if I had sprouted another head.

            “I don’t mind if the public doesn’t know,” I said with a shrug.

            “I didn’t think you would want the attention, Julia. But do you realize this also means that animal who did this to you is going to walk away free? He could have killed you!” I was shocked by his anger.

            “But I didn’t die. I’m fine.”

            “What if it had been Sungjong that was hurt and not you. What then?” He caught me. I stuttered trying to come up with a response before I gave up.  

            “The doctor said that if you hadn’t been wearing that winter hat your injuries could’ve been a lot worse. A hat stood between you having a concussion or possibly being brain damaged and he is going to receive no punishment!” He was yelling now and I didn’t know what to say to him. He was mad, but I could hear latent fear in his voice, too. I wanted to tell him it’d be okay, but no words would come out.

            “I understand Sunggyu’s sentiment,” Jungryl said. I’d almost forgotten he was still there. “But what happened has already occurred and this is for the group. For your future.”

            “If it’s for the group then I’m fine with it.” Sunggyu grabbed at his head in frustration as I spoke and he moved further away from me. “What happens now?”

            “I spoke to the doctor and she says you can leave anytime. I have a taxi waiting in the parking garage. We should be able to get you there without being seen by any fans that might be stalking about and then we will go to the dorm.”

            “Thank you,” I almost cried. “I want to go home.”

            I was wearing a baseball cap to hide my bandage when we rode in the taxi, but it didn’t seem necessary as me, Sunggyu and Sungyeol were asked to duck down anyway. We were all bent at the waist with our heads close to our knees as the taxi took off. This is what our lives had become.

            “What about Woohyun? He left a few hours before. Where’d he go?” I asked with sudden concern.

            “I know, he called me. This is how everyone has been coming and going so don’t worry about it,” Sunggyu said quietly as his minty breath made its way to my nose. I turned from his piercing gaze and rested my head on my knees as a dizzy spell took over. It was just the concussion, I told myself.

            We made it home without an issue and I was greeted with hugs from everyone. Sungjong was particularly excited when he brought me into our room and showed me that he cleaned the whole thing for me.

            “Okay everyone to bed,” Sunggyu said suddenly.

            “But noona just got here,” Myungsoo spoke up with a heavy dose of disappointment in his voice.

            “She needs to sleep. We have practice in the morning,” he replied. “And no, you won’t be dancing.” He gave me a look that brooked no nonsense.

            The next morning I was feeling strong and I got dressed for practice as usual only to receive looks from everyone, but they said nothing as we made our way to the dance studio. I noticed there were fans outside the building and I beamed at them as I waved. I even threw in a big heart to top it off. Just try and say I was in the hospital a day before, I dared them.

            When we got to our usual practice space I stood in my normal spot. Sunggyu made sure all the shades were down and we were completely alone before grabbing my shoulders and steering me backwards to one of the seats by the door.

            “Sit there and just watch,” he spoke quietly as the others looked on from behind him. I was about to say something in protest, but then his expression changed. His serious face morphed into one of desperation. “Please,” he whispered as he still held my shoulders firmly.

            I could only manage a little nod. When he released me I slowly sat down.

            I watched as they practiced our dances for five hours. At first, I watched with the eyes of a hawk and would interject to tell them where they could use work. The further into the practice they got the more fidgety I became and I started to do the moves a little while sitting. I received a few worried looks from the guys, but ignored them until Sunggyu made a move towards me. I froze like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I watched the rest of the practice in silence just getting more and more upset that I couldn’t participate.

            Back at the house everyone was exhausted and had either gone in their rooms or were lying around in the main room. I wanted to be tired too. I told myself it was just for a few days, but I was still unhappy. I was the last one in the main room as everyone crawled off to bed. I watched television by myself feeling restless. I had to get some air.

            I was being a baby. I knew I was, but I hated feeling useless. Everyone was so tired from their long day of training and I was outside wallowing by myself. Now that we had debuted, I wasn’t supposed to go outside by myself like this, but my favorite swing set called to me. I had surveyed the area first to make sure there were no fans or drunken ahjussi’s lurking about.

            I had also stood by each of the boys rooms and made sure there were no signs of life, but apparently the coast hadn’t been clear. I was only outside for ten minutes when I spied Sunggyu come out of the house in a panic. Of course it was him. I just wanted a moment alone to think, but I wasn’t going to get it.

            He spotted me immediately and rolled the tension out of his shoulders as he approached. I guess it was good that he came out because I had questions for him.

            He made one of those faces of his as he opened his mouth to yell something at me, but I stood up and started talking first.

            “What happened the other night that a fan thought was intimate?”

            He staggered to a stop both verbally and physically. I bridged the gap and stood directly in front of him and peered into his eyes; demanding an answer.

            “Nothing happened,” he said. “What do you think happened? Fans have minds of their own.”

            “I’ll just ask someone else then,” I said with a shrug. I made my way towards the house, but he grabbed my arm to stop me.

            I was caught off guard and yelped out in pain before I could stop myself. He had accidently grabbed one of the tender, bruised parts of my upper arm.

            He let go of me like I was on fire as he backed away. His eyes were wide as he said, “I’m so sorry. Are you alright, Julia?”

            “I’m fine. I just want to know what happened,” I replied as I tried to avoid his guilty eyes. The pain in my arm was already dulled. It was nothing compared to the ache I felt when I saw how sad his eyes were. He looked like he just accidently kicked a puppy.

            “You were not responding to anyone and we had to wake you up,” he spoke quietly. “I sang to you. I got close to your face so you could hear me. Nothing happened. I didn’t do anything to you. You have nothing to worry about.” I wasn’t worried about you, I thought to myself.

            “I didn’t do anything inappropriate?” I asked as quiet as possible.

            He just shook his head no.

            “You sang to me?”

            He just nodded his head yes.

            I tried to hide my smile, but failed. I kind of wished I remembered that part.

            He looked like he wanted to say something to me, but I had a feeling he just wanted me to go back in my bed. I moved to leave.

            “Where are you going?” he asked like I was suddenly exiting some grand party.

            “To bed. Isn’t that what you came out here for? To make me go to bed?”

            “Can I show you something first?”

            “Of course,” I answered with a smile. Any excuse at this point not to sleep was fine by me.

            He walked up to me and gently turned my body so my back was facing him. He was very careful of my arms after accidently hurting me.

            When I was sufficiently turned he placed his hands over my eyes.

            “Is this okay?” I heard him say anxiously as his warm breath brushed over my cold ear.

            I nodded; his hands moving up and down with my face as I did. I put my hands over his to help orient myself as he directed me. I walked forward while he pointed me to the right area by moving my head slightly towards where I should go.

            Finally, it seemed we were in the right spot because he replaced his hands with my own and moved away from me.

            “Hey!” I exclaimed as I blindly reached out for him.

            “Wait,” I heard his voice moving in front of me. “Okay, open your eyes.”

            I moved my hands and all I could see was him in front of me. I looked around to my side and behind me to see that we were in the dirty side yard with my barred bedroom window behind him.

            I was about to ask him why we were here when he moved to my side. He leaned against our home as I saw what he had been hiding. Attached to my bedroom window was a flowerbox. In it there was a sunflower made out of beautiful blown glass. The flower box was filled with glass beads of all different bright colors instead of dirt.

            I stared at the flower for a moment with one hand covering my mouth and my other hand clutching the sunflower necklace he bought me for my birthday.

            “Wh-when?”

            “Yesterday when you were in the hospital,” he answered.

            “But why did you do this?”

            “I heard you telling Sungjong that the yard was depressing and dark on the first day we moved in. I thought you deserved some light.”

            “So you brought me the sun,” I said quietly as I reached out to touch the lustrous yellow glass of one of the petals.

            I turned towards him then and saw that he was watching my face intently. I saw him take in the fact that I had found his necklace.  

            Before I realized what I was doing, I had jumped up and wrapped my arms around his neck. I hid my face in his coat as I tried not to cry, but the air hitched in my chest when I felt his arms wrap around me. He pressed my body into his with the hand that rested on my lower back. The fingers of his other hand moved through my hair soothingly as he made a comforting shushing noise in my ear.

            I wasn’t sure if it was leftover emotion from the attack, or from his unexpected gift, or because of not being allowed to do anything all day, but I was about to break down. Before I could make an even bigger fool of myself I pushed out of his arms and ran. Luckily, he didn’t chase me.

            When I was in my room I threw myself into my bed and tried to control my erratic breathing. I stared up at the ceiling as it spun out of control.

            It’s just the concussion. It’s just the concussion. It’s just the concussion.

            Somehow I felt comforted.