Both October and our upcoming debut was sneaking up on us. Our waking hours of every day were spent working and whatever free time we had typically was spent sleeping. We had finished all our recordings and we were all in love with our first mini album and the choreography that went with each song. Every one of our dances was practiced to the point that we could complete it from memory without even the music as a guide. Our group was harmonizing well both professionally and personally. My quarrels with Sunggyu were less frequent as we threw ourselves into our work, but there was still a weird awkward energy around us most of the time. As the debut  approached he was only quieter around me.

             We made our debut on October 27^th, on the show Music Core. Backstage was all chaos as I ran around offering moral support to all the younger members. I was pretty sure I was the most nervous one of us all, though. Most of them laughed at me as I ran around yelling, “Fighting!” Even the stylists and makeup artists hid chuckles.

            Somehow though, my being nervous actually succeeded in focusing everyone as they became concerned over me. Dongwoo’s legs stopped shaking and he came over to look me in the eyes.

            “You going to be okay, noona?” he asked his usually happy face was full of concern.

            I did feel a little lightheaded, I realized. I focused on his dark eyes and tried to breathe calmly.

            “Sunggyu hyung, I think she’s hyperventilating,” he said suddenly. I tried to deny it as Sunggyu rushed over out of nowhere, but no words came out. I was hyperventilating.

            “Julia, look into my eyes,” Sunggyu said, bending a little so we were on the same level. His hands rested on my shoulders and he moved his thumbs over them in slow massaging circles. My eyes lost focus as someone tried to hand him something, but he shook it off and snapped his fingers in front of my nose; grabbing my attention again.

            “Breathe with me, Julia.” He began taking in deep breaths through his nose and blowing them out his mouth. I felt his warm breath on my face as I attempted to copy him. My breaths were coming in rythymless gasps when I started, but I closed my eyes and tried listening to him. I used sound to sync my erratic breaths to his even ones. The tension in my shoulders loosened as he continued to rub them slowly. His grip was strong.

            Once I could inhale like a normal human being, I peeked with one eye to see that his face was still close to mine. I opened the other and watched as he searched my eyes; analyzing my condition. He must have been satisfied with what he saw because he straightened back up and let go of my shoulders. I covered my face in embarrassment as he backed away.

            “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how nervous I was,” I apologized to all the guys as they crowded around me offering encouraging words. Some protective instinct had been awakened in all of them and they looked oddly calm. It made me feel better. I felt safe when I was with them.

            “You shouldn’t crowd someone who has just been hyperventilating,” I heard Sunggyu state dryly from across the room. The boys all spaced themselves out, but they hovered nearby. Their eyes staying on my face.

            “Julia, we need to apply your makeup and have you change now. You guys go on soon,” one of our stylists said from the changing room.

            I followed the stylist and looked back to see all the boys waving at me. Some of them gave thumbs up. Sunggyu’s back faced me, but right before I turned the corner I spotted him watching me in the reflection of one of the mirrors. I hoped he wasn’t too upset about my freak-out.

 

 

            I came back out of the changing room fifteen minutes later in the costume for the performance. Being the only female member, the producers wanted to put extra attention on me by putting me in something that stood out. The boys were in different outfits that all used darker, more faded colors. There was a lot of blues, grays, and blacks. I, on the other hand, was in skin tight white jeans that hugged my hips. My top was black and strappy with lots of studs on the top that reflected the light. It was not a comfortable outfit by any means. Even though only my arms and a little bit of my upper chest were showing I still felt exposed. On top of all that, I was wearing two inch blocky studded leather heels that made me the same height as most of the boys. Luckily, I had time to practice in the heels and they were thick enough that I was at least semi confident that I wouldn’t fall. My hair was down, but it was styled so it had a lot more wave and bounce. The stylists also took more liberties with my large eyes and gave me dark smoky makeup with false lashes. I no longer recognized myself in the mirror.

            When I stepped out of the changing room everyone just stared at me for a minute. They had already seen the outfit during practice, but apparently seeing me in it with full makeup and hair was the icing on the cake. Finally, Sungyeol broke the silence.

            “Well, I’ll be damned noona. You’re hot,” he said in awe. I stomped over to him in my heels and started smacking him in the arm as he yelped apologies. Everyone else started to laugh as I gave him an intense warning glare and pointed my finger in his face, wordlessly telling him not to say it ever again.

            I looked around to see everyone was over my appearance; much to my relief. I wanted to apologize to Sunggyu before we went on stage, but he must have slipped out when I was attacking Sungyeol because I didn’t see him anywhere.

            One of the many Music Core employees popped his head in the room then, and said they were ready for us to form up behind the stage. The boys filtered out of the room first as I searched the dressing room for our missing leader. I didn’t see him anywhere so I left the room, only to find him outside in the hallway. He was slowly following the boys, about eight paces behind, as they made their way down the white corridor. I ran to him on my heels, in no way sneaking, as they clomped loudly on the ground and echoed down the hall.

            “I’m so sorry about that,” I started before I’d even reached him. “I should have tried harder to keep a cool head for the others. I’m sorry you had to help me.”

            “Are you sorry I had to help you? Or are you sorry that you needed help?” He kept his head facing forward as we walked down the hall that suddenly felt three times longer than it had a moment before.

            I didn’t exactly understand what he meant, but I answered him anyway, “Both I guess.”

            He met my confused eyes, but then looked away quickly. He seemed a little distracted, so I figured it would be best if I left him to his thoughts.

            “Either way, thank you for helping me,” I spoke quietly as I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “We’d all be lost without you.”

            He met my eyes again, but he held them this time. I wondered what was happening in that head of his. It seemed like he was taken off guard by my simple statement. Part of me felt like I would never completely understand Sunggyu.

            I left him like that, as I ran off to join the others. The running was good practice for my stability in the heels, but it had to have looked a little more like a silly shuffle as I made my way to the boys.

 

 

            After hitting the stage everything was one big blur. Our song felt half as long as it actually was as we danced our hearts out and tried to remember to play to the cameras. From the first move to the last move my brain was nowhere in the equation and my body took over.

            I felt like I might black out as we made our way backstage after the performance. Everyone was excited and celebrating. I was suddenly picked up in a giant hug from Hoya as he spun me around before he put me back on my own wobbly feet. Since we were done with the filming, I reached down and took my heels off so that I could celebrate with them properly.

            The walk back to the dressing rooms was full of cheers and laughter as people retold their experience from a moment before. When they asked me how I thought it was I told them I honestly didn’t remember anything. They all laughed like I was the most hilarious person in the world.

            By the time we got to the van most of them had calmed down a little and were silently reflecting on the performance. I was back in comfortable workout clothes, but my face was still in full makeup. I had been too excited at the time to have the makeup people remove it, but I regretted it now.

            All my adrenaline had died down and was replaced by pure exhaustion. Sungjong was sitting next to me in the back of the van that night and his shoulder suddenly looked really cozy to me. He wouldn’t mind if I just rested there for a second, I was pretty sure.

            I took my chances and laid my heavy head on him. He responded by putting his arm around my shoulders and giving me a side hug. I snuggled closer to him before passing out.

 

 

            I started awake as I heard a loud knock on the bedroom door. I had no idea how long I had slept or even what day it was anymore as I got out of my bed and stumbled over Sir Hissalot on my way to the door. Wait, how had I gotten to my bed? I didn’t remember even leaving the van.

            My sleepy eyes popped open in shock as I entered our main room to the sound of noisemakers, whistles, popping confetti, and screaming voices. It was terrifying. I covered my ears and clenched my eyes closed as camera lights flashed.

            “Happy Birthday!” everyone shouted at once as they launched themselves into a sloppy version of the birthday song in English. I guess they wanted to pay tribute to my roots.

            My eyes were still wide as they finished singing. How had I forgotten about my own birthday? With all the debut stuff going on I hadn’t even thought about it.

            Their singing turned to snickers as they saw my face.

            “Noona you kind of look like a raccoon,” Dongwoo said with a boisterous laugh.

            “Noona Raccoona,” Sungyeol rhymed in English as he cackled.

            I realized I was still in full makeup from our debut the day before and I covered my face before running to the bathroom and closing myself inside. When I looked in the mirror I saw what they meant. It looked like I had been boxing a losing match the night before. The dark eye shadow had spread around my eyes giving me the exact appearance of a raccoon. I couldn’t help but go into hysterics at my own reflection.

            “I think we made her cry,” I heard a muffled Woohyun say with deep concern from the other side of the door.

            “Noona, it’s okay. I think you look really really pretty,” she thought she heard Myungsoo say.

            “Me too! And I promise to never call you Noona Raccoona.” That was definitely Sungyeol.

            I was actually crying now as I laughed at their sad pleas. I decided to torture them a little before finally opening the bathroom door.

            I doubled over as soon as I saw all seven of their concerned faces. I almost choked as their expressions went from concern to shock. I had never seen Sunggyu’s eyes as big as they were. I grabbed Woohyun’s camera from him and snapped a shot before their perfect faces had time to right themselves.

            When they realized I was laughing they joined me. I took a minute to remove my now running makeup before leaving the bathroom.

            “Since you aren’t mad does this mean I can call you Noona Raccoona,” Sungyeol asked seriously. Both Sunggyu and Woohyun slapped him upside the head, one after the other.

             “Can noona open the presents now,” an impatient Sungjong asked.

            I was not prepared for these gifts. I had only known these boys for a short period of time, but for the most part, they seemed to know me as if we’d been together forever.

            Sungjong started the gift giving with a snow white winter cap which he took out of my hands and placed on my head so everyone could ‘ooo’ and ‘ahhh’ over it. Much to his pleasure I kept it on during the rest of the gift giving and most of the day.

            The next gift was Myungsoo’s, because we apparently were going in age order. It was a new gym bag. The one I had been using was plain looking and I often got it confused with the others bags. This one was bright yellow, which happened to be my favorite color.

            Sungyeol was grinning like an idiot when he handed me a gift bag. I had to admit I was a little scared. What I pulled out of the bag was a very cute, but slightly skimpy dress. The dress was covered with sequins in different shades of deep blues and purples. It reminded me of a midnight sky. I was actually touched by the gift because I thought it was really pretty, but Sunggyu and Woohyun both slapped Sungyeol upside the head the same way they had done only moments before.

            “What?! What did I do,” he asked in genuine shock. I could see where it could be misconstrued as an inappropriate gift and considering the depth of the plunging neckline it probably was, but I just laughed.

            “I think it’s beautiful, Sungyeol,” I said moving it around and watching as the light bounced off the sequins. “I can’t wait to find an excuse to wear it.”

            “One of the stylist noonas helped me pick it out.” He smiled at me like a happy elementary schooler and then turned to his attackers and stuck his tongue out at them.

            Next, I received an apron from Hoya. I did most of the cooking and usually stained my clothes. He clearly had it custom ordered because on the front of the apron was a large print of our group photo we took the first night we were together as a band. I laughed at the picture and hugged it to my chest.

            My interests were piqued as Woohyun pushed a heavy box towards me. I opened it to find a gorgeous china tea set. The matching white pieces each had a fully blooming cherry blossom tree on them.

            “Woohyun! You didn’t spend too much on this did you,” I asked after marveling at the gift for a moment.

            “No noona it was on sale. Don’t worry about it.”

            I wasn’t sure I believed him, but I graciously accepted the gift.

            I tried really hard not to laugh when I opened Dongwoo’s gift. Like Sungjong he also decided that I should have a warm head for the winter, but the hat Dongwoo bought me took the form of a large green dinosaur. The long flaps that came down on the sides took the shape of giant legs and the top of the hat had an angry open mouthed T-Rex head on it. A stuffed tail came out of the back at the base of the wearer’s head. There were also tiny stuffed T-Rex arms that flopped back and forth when I shook the hat. It was like someone took an entire stuffed animal and simply hollowed out the middle so you could wear it.

             Seeing as how I was already wearing Sungjong’s gift I placed this one on Dongwoo’s head. He gave us all a y pose that completely clashed with the hats childish appearance. That hat definitely suited him more than me, but I loved it as much as all my other gifts.

            Sunggyu was quiet as he handed me his gift. I opened the box to find a leather journal. I slowly moved my fingers over the cover appreciating the softness of the worn down leather. I got a weird impression that it had been used, but I looked through the first few pages and saw that it was blank. The manufacturer probably purposely gave it a used look. I liked it. My thumb continued to graze slowly over the leather as I thanked them all for the gifts.

            The rest of the day was spent playing games and pigging out on junk food and cake. They asked me a few times if I wanted to go out somewhere to celebrate, but I told them I was happy staying in our little dorm. It was the most alive our home had ever been and I wished to myself that everyday could be this way.

           

 

            A few days after my birthday our debut stage was televised. We all sat in a huddled group around our small television in the main room as we waited for our performance to come up. Sungyeol offered me popcorn as he struggled to fit a handful into his mouth, but my stomach was churning from the nerves.

            This was it. By the end of the hour our group would go from completely unknown to a legitimate kpop group. People were going to watch us singing and dancing on their television screens all across the country. And then when we were finished they would pass their judgment on us. I buried my head in my hands and brought my knees up to meet my face as I sat on the ground. I stayed in a pitiful ball for almost the entirety of the program. At first the boys had tried to comfort me, but I remained unresponsive and they eventually gave up.

            My head jerked back up when our turn came. Everyone shushed each other even though no one was speaking. We were all silent at first, but as the performance continued everyone started cheering each other on. We all started pointing at the screen to call attention to different members. I couldn’t stop pointing out how handsome they all looked. Every time I said it, I was rewarded with seven blushing faces.

            When the performance ended we watched it again and again and again. Eventually, the boys started to go to bed one by one, but Dino Dongwoo (as I took to calling him as he began wearing the dinosaur hat in the house) and Sungyeol stayed up to use the computer. I left the main room to make tea in the kitchen with my new set from Woohyun, when I heard the boy’s excited voices. I left the tea sitting and went to listen.

            “They are already talking about us,” Dongwoo exclaimed.

            “What are they saying? Does it say anything about the tall one being the iest,” Sungyeol asked dreamily.

            Dongwoo had gone oddly still.

            “What’s wrong?” Sungyeol leaned forward to get a better look at the screen.

            They read in silence for a minute and I silently snuck up behind them on my bare feet; trying to get a look at the screen.

            “How could they say things like that?” Dongwoo asked sadly.

            I stood behind them and looked at the screen. I saw a number of comments going back and forth in some sort of forum. At first I wasn’t sure what the boys meant as I just saw good things, but as I looked further down I saw what they were referring too;

 

            -They should just lose the girl, though. She wasn’t even pretty and she can’t dance as well as they can.

            -They  were all really cute! Well except for the girl! She is def a .

            - Did you see how thick her thighs were in those pants? They probably take it easy on her in training because she’s female.

            -I heard that she was born in America.

            -I hope she goes back!

            -Jeez guys I didn’t think she was that bad

            -Seriously? Come on she was terrible

           

            I tried to read more, but the words on the screen suddenly blurred as tears started to form in my eyes. They hated me. I should’ve known that they would. My mind was blank as I turned and walked towards the front door.

            The two at the computer must’ve finally noticed I was there because I heard them yell out to me as I opened the door.

            “Oh no, I think she read it,” I heard Sungyeol whisper as Dongwoo yelled to me one more time before I walked aimlessly out into the night.

 

 

            “What is happening out here?” Sunggyu said with sleepy eyes as he peeked around his bedroom door. He looked like a hamster popping his furry head out of its cage, Sungyeol mused to himself. He shook the image away as he remembered noona.

            “Noona is upset and she went outside by herself,” Dongwoo answered from the front window. Sungyeol turned back to the window and watched as she slowly made her way across the street like some sort of directionless tumbleweed, rolling wherever the wind took her. She headed off to the left at one point only to veer right towards the playground across the street.

            Sunggyu joined them at the window and peered out as she sat on one of the swings. She was staring at the swing set as she swayed slightly in the seat. It made Sungyeol uncomfortable to watch her like this. She wasn’t even wearing shoes or a coat, he realized; adding to his already immense concern for his noona.

            “How can people be so cruel? She’s just a person like everyone else,” Dongwoo was saying quietly to his left.

            “I don’t understand. What happened?” Sunggyu’s eyes were all business as he regarded them both.

            “We were reading what people thought about our debut on the internet… and I guess noona was standing behind us. We didn’t know,” Dongwoo said as he leaned his dinosaur clad head on the glass window pane; still staring at noona to make sure she didn’t go anywhere.

            Sunggyu stormed over to the computer and scrutinized the screen. Sungyeol saw how their leader’s eyes widened as he read the comments. His slippered feet somehow managed to stomp as he made his way to the front door.

            “I’ll be back,” he said as he grabbed one of noona’s coats from the closet.

            “Wait,” Dongwoo said suddenly turning from the window to Sunggyu; causing the arms, legs and tail of the dinosaur hat to swing back and forth. “Should we come with you?”

            “I’m the leader. This is my responsibility,” he said quietly before leaving.

            “I care about noona too,” Dongwoo mumbled. “We could help sometimes. She always helps us.”

            Sungyeol looked from the dinosaur hat to Dongwoo’s face and back to the dinosaur hat before he responded, “Actually I think it might be best if we stay out of this kind of stuff.”

            The shorter boy just shrugged his shoulders and went back to leaning his face on the cold window pane fogging it up with his warm breath.

 

 

            I somehow had made my way to the swing set across the street from our home. I sat on the malleable plastic swing and moved it a little side to side as I listened to the chains groan in the cold.

            The little playground reminded me of the one I went to often with my parents when I was a child living in America. The frame of the swing set was made of  metal that was painted a dark blue. The paint was worn and chipped after years of weather damage and there was rust corroding it in many spots. There was a metal slide attached to the swing set that reflected the crescent moon. The steps leading to the top of the slide were bent and broken in spots. It definitely wasn’t safe, but at the same time I was comforted. I liked how old it was.

            The similar playground of my childhood was replaced when I was ten. It was uprooted from its home and thrown away, only to be substituted by a wonderland of brightly colored plastic. I remembered the first time I saw the new playground I cried and told my parents that “I didn’t want to go to the fake playground anymore.” I never had gone back to it.

            I thought about how wonderful it had been when my life wasn’t so difficult and confusing. I thought about a time before my favorite playground disappeared, a time when I still had parents, a time where no one knew me; that’s when I heard him approach.

            I looked down at the ground in sudden shame as I realized how foolish I must have seemed. I didn’t have to look to know that Sunggyu was standing in front of me. I was used to the feel of his critical eyes on me. He was probably getting used to seeing me in such a pitiful state, too.

            He moved closer then and he was suddenly in my vision, even though I was staring at the ground. He kneeled in the dirt under me and pulled his blue slippers off. He then gently slid them onto my bare feet before he stood and grabbed my arm.

            I went to move away from his warm touch on my freezing cold skin. I didn’t want the warmth.

            “Stay still,” he commanded. As usual, I did as I was told when he used that tone.

            His finger tips grazed my arm as he moved his hand to mine. He gently removed my fingers from the swing’s chain one at a time before he slipped my wool coat onto me. I stupidly offered him no aid as I continued to stare at the ground. When he had both my arms in the coat he bent down in front of me and buttoned it up to my neck. I silently watched the puffs of air coming from his mouth disperse under my nose.

            The night’s coldness no longer surrounded me with the coat on, but it was Sunggyu’s surprising warmth that finally reduced me to tears. I don’t know what I had expected him to do in response to my sudden crying, but what he did do was surprising enough to make me stop.

            He moved around to my back and began pushing me on the swing. My hands quickly wrapped back around the chains as I was taken off guard.

            I quickly got over my surprise and just listened to the comforting creaks of the chains as my weight pulled on them. At first he pushed me slowly, his hands planting onto my back and guiding me forward, but he slowly started to push harder and I flew away from him a little further with each swing. I opened my arms like I was flying and felt the chilly autumn air blow through my hair and freeze the wetness in my eyes.

            I had soon forgotten why I was ever upset at all as I clutched the chains and let my head fall back so I could see the stars in the sky. Every time I went all the way back I caught a glimpse of Sunggyu as he stood back and watched me propel myself forward. His face was as unreadable to me as it usually was.

            I sat up and let myself slow down to a near stop. Sunggyu came around to face me and this time I was able to look him in the eyes as he regarded me.

            “You should go inside. It’s cold and dark out here,” he said quietly.

            “I like the cold and the dark,” I replied.

            “It doesn’t suit you.”

            I gave him a quizzical look.

            “You are the warmest and brightest person I know.” His voice sounded oddly strained as he quickly spit out the rest of his words. “And if those people that hurt you only knew you they would see that too. Don’t let stranger’s words hurt you because they aren’t really judging you. They are just judging what they see and what they saw wasn’t even a fraction of who you actually are. We know who you are and we all love you and care about you.”

            “You’re going to make me cry again,” I choked, trying not to do just that. His words were the kindest ones that had ever been spoken to me by anyone. And it was Sunggyu of all people.

            “Don’t.” He pointed his finger at my face and ordered my tears away. It somehow worked.

            “Thank you,” was all I could bring myself to say at this point.

            “Don’t,” he said softer this time. He turned and walked back towards the house. Before he got to the street though, he faced me with his Leader Gyu face on.

            “You have one more minute to get back in the house,” he called back at me a little too loud considering the time of night. “Drink a hot cup of ginseng tea before bed and don’t ever let me see you leave the house without shoes on again. You will dance even worse than usual if those clumsy feet of yours turn into blocks of ice.”

            I just snorted at his insult and watched him walk back to our house. He was so confusing with his hot and cold behavior. Of course I was hot and cold too; at least with him I was. That was why we were always fighting; at least I thought that was why.

            I had completely forgotten the comments from the internet as I spent my last minute outside trying in vain to solve the enigma that was Kim Sunggyu.