After the debut we were thrown into a storm of various promotional activities. We performed our new single on almost every music show that existed. With every performance we grew stronger as a single unit.

            Slowly the focus changed from our music to us as individuals, though. That was when I started to get nervous. It had been weeks now and I still was avoiding the internet entirely. If the boys had read anything bad they were sparing me and only telling me the positive reactions to our performances.

            Then there were the interviews. We did a few small interviews on shows where we played silly games and joked around with the hosts. Of course I was anxious during those recordings, but I knew that those shows were meant to be lighthearted and fun. We were really good at fun. But then we were told that we would be going on a program where we would all be interviewed separately to get a more in depth look at each member. Apparently this was what our fandom wanted.

            My hands were shaking as I waited for my turn to be interviewed. They took us in to the interview room in age order starting from the youngest, so I had to wait awhile. In the waiting room I paced back and forth remembering to breath. The other members were relaxed and watched me pace slowly in front of them as they crowded on the couch.

            “Noona come sit,” Hoya said. He moved to pat the seat, but stopped as he realized that the only open surface on the couch was their laps.

            I snorted as I looked at the three seater couch that had five grown boys crammed on it. They could have sat on a fold out chair or stood, but this was just like them. Sunggyu stood and leaned his back against the wall lost in his own thoughts. Seemed I may not have been the only one who was nervous.

            Dongwoo came back in the room looking relaxed and informed me it was finally my turn. He went to the couch and without hesitation laid across the other boy’s laps. After they were done complaining to Dongwoo, I could hear a myriad of supportive shouts of things like, “You’ll be great” and “Noona Fighting!” as I exited the room. I didn’t like being separated from them.

            My chest was tight with nerves as I approached the set. There was a chair set in front of a plain white backdrop across from a camera crew and a mix of producers, writers, and who knows who else. At least Manager Jungryl was there to be a familiar face. I wished at least one of the boys could have come with me.

            I took my seat and tried to shake the nerves out of body by literally lifting my arms and shaking. It didn’t help. My lips trembled and I softly chewed the bottom one as I waited for them to start asking their questions.

            A couple days later our interview was aired in prime time on one of the major broadcasting stations. The footage was edited so that it jumped between all of us under the glaring light. It showed each of us introducing ourselves and saying what role we played in the band. The boys all looked handsome as usual. When they got to me the members all laughed as I was shown nervously shaking my arms out and chewing up my lip. Sunggyu shifted uncomfortably beside me. I guess it was a little hard to watch.

            The program went on for a half hour and it showed only the questions/answers that were deemed entertaining. Sadly most of the questions that aired were focused on me, but we all suspected as much. Many of the questions seemed to fly by and they were lighthearted and fun, but it didn’t stay that way for long:

Question: What do you say to rumors spreading on the internet that there is romance between Julia and the other members?

            Sungjong: His eyes widened at the question and he chuckled, “It definitely is not true. Noona really is like an older sister to all of us. I don’t have a sister of my own and when I call her noona I don’t say it because she is older than me and a female. I call her noona because she really has become my sister.”

            Sungyeol: His head rolls back as he roars laughing. He wipes tears from his eyes as he addresses the interviewer, “Are you going to ask her this too? Because you better run for cover.” He returns to laughing and shaking his head. He never actually answers the question.

            Hoya: “People just love to think things like that but she is really just like a sister. She is very professional and spends all her time working and taking care of everyone. I don’t think anyone is thinking about relationships with anyone, especially noona.

            Julia: My jaw was rigid as I answered. “No those rumors hold no truth. They are like brothers to me.”

Question: How do you feel about Julia’s anti-fans?

            Dongwoo:  He had been smiling before the question was asked, but he was very serious when he answered. “The first night we were on television some anti-fans were saying things on the internet. And I’m still a little upset about it. I really don’t like it when people say bad things about noona because she works really hard and she is a great person and I’d like those fans to reconsider their opinions. That’s all.”

            Woohyun: “Honestly I feel disappointed. I understand that anti-fans come with the territory, but I just wish it wasn’t noona that had so many. She really takes everything to heart and there is no one who cares more than her. If you ask me I think she deserves the most love from the fans.”

            Julia: I shifted in my seat and nervously tucked my hair behind my ear before answering. “I was deeply saddened when I found out I had anti-fans. No one likes to be hated and I mean some of these fans seem to really hate me, but I knew that this kind of thing was going to happen. Not everyone will like you, but I think that the love of just one person can overpower the hate of many and I feel very loved. Even though I am faced with the most hatred I’ve ever experienced in my life, I have also received the most love I’ve ever experienced in my life. I truly feel blessed. To my fans of every variety, I want to say thank you and that I love you with all of my heart.”

            Even your anti-fans?

            “Yes.”

            Why the anti-fans too?

            “Because they care. They care about our band and its members. If they love a single member of this band then I’m happy because we have that much in common, because I love every member of this family.”

Question: Did you ever consider turning down being in this band because it’s mix gendered?

            Myungsoo: “I did think it might be weird to be in a band with a female and to live with a girl that wasn’t related to me. In my head I imagined ridiculous things like her wanting everything to be pink and her whining and doing aegyo to try and get her way, but I knew the moment I met noona she wasn’t like that. She fits right in with all of us.”

            Dongwoo: “I was actually excited about it. I thought it would be really fun and interesting. I have sisters so I knew that having her in the group would be a good thing. You know how girls have like this sixth sense? Like this one time, I was super tired from practice and one of the managers had just reprimanded me and noona could tell something was wrong so she just came up to me and gave me a hug. She didn’t say anything! She just gave me a quick hug and left. Noona can just tell when one of us is upset and she knows exactly what to do to make us better again. If I’m ever troubled I know that I can go to noona and she won’t pick on me or laugh at me. She’s a good listener.”

            Sunggyu: “I am ashamed to say that I did consider turning down the opportunity to be in this band. When they asked me to be the leader of an eight member group with one female a million things ran through my head. Mostly, I just wasn’t sure how I would lead a band like that and I wasn’t sure if I was up for the challenge. But, unlike the others, I was told that Julia was the girl that they were considering and the executive said I should get to know her before I made my final decision.”

            As we sat in the room watching the interview everyone looked around at each other a little confused. He knew who I was ahead of time? I searched the room but saw that Sunggyu had silently left at some point. I turned back and watched the rest of the show in silence.

            “I asked around and eventually found her, but I never actually talked to her,” Sunggyu was saying. “I just sort of watched her. A little creepy I know,” he laughed and scratched the back of his head. “I saw her smiling and joking with the other trainees and I got a good vibe off of her. When she was by herself again she didn’t busy herself with reading or playing on a phone, instead she just sat and stared off deep in thought. I liked that mysteriousness she had. I could tell she was smart and that she would work hard. After that I said yes and she truly is no different than any other member in this band.

            What if another girl had been picked?

            “There is no other girl. She is the only person that could ever be in this group. Not a single member is replaceable. I could not fathom any other member in this band male or female. We were all meant to be together. And with or without success I want all of the members to be present in my life forever.”

            The program ended with footage of us performing our song and a plug for our mini album. I was a little shocked by Sunggyu’s part, but shook it off and thanked all the boys for their kind words.

            “I’m sorry that so much of the focus was on me,” I apologized as I played with my toes.

            “That isn’t your fault though,” Myungsoo said as he sprawled out on the floor, suddenly looking tired.

            “Where did Sunggyu hyung go?” Sungjong asked finally noticing he went missing. I had been wondering the same thing. I started chewing on my lip again. Was he in the kitchen? I peered into the other room hopefully.

            “He went in our room,” Woohyun answered my thoughts as he got up. “Don’t worry noona. I’ll talk to him.”

            I gave him a wide eyed look. I hadn’t even said anything. Woohyun just gave me a knowing smirk before disappearing into their room. I don’t know what he thought he knew.

            I stayed in the main room for awhile hoping one of them would resurface from the bedroom, but neither of them did. Hoya and Myungsoo were watching television so I hung out with them for awhile trying to distract myself. I used Hoya’s leg as a pillow and eventually fell asleep on the floor.

            I woke in my bed the next day as I heard a ruckus in the kitchen. Sungjong had left our door open again and light from the main room filtered in.

            I sleepily crawled on my hands and knees towards the door to push it closed, but I was distracted as I heard Sunggyu laughing loudly. It wasn’t a sound I heard very often. I froze where I was and listened.

            “Yah! Sungjongie you’re getting flour everywhere!” Sunggyu’s voice was so bright and playful.

            I had to see what was happening. I laid on the bedroom floor and slowly slithered my way into the main room; probably looking like a ghost girl from some horror film. When my head and shoulders were both out of the darkness of my room I peered to the right; into the kitchen. I could see Sunggyu and Sungjong as they were attempting to make kimchi pancakes.

            Sungjong flicked flour at his hyung. Sungjongie laughed loudly when Sunggyu wiped his hands down the younger boy’s arms marking them with white.

            “Hyung, I look ridiculous now.”

            “You started it,” Sunggyu replied as he finished wiping his hands on my birthday apron. The apron was tied snuggly around his waist.

            I watched as they began frying pancakes. Even though I could only see the side of his face, I could still see Sunggyu’s eye smile. He seemed so at ease and natural. He was never like this when I was around, but I didn’t understand why. From everything he had said he liked that I was a part of the group, but why wasn’t he  like this with me. I wanted to throw flour at him too. I realized with a shock that I was jealous. Why am I jealous? What is wrong with me?

            I rested my head on my arm and watched dreamily as they messed up the first pancake and snacked on it while they cooked the others.

            A sudden sound in front of me made me jump. I banged my head on the door jam as I quickly tried to back up into my room; crawling on my elbows like a soldier. I looked towards Sunggyu’s room to see a sleepy Woohyun smiling down at me in confusion.

            He was about to say something to me when I quietly shushed him with my finger to my lips. The two in the kitchen were still cooking and hadn’t noticed the disturbance yet. Woohyun stepped forward to peek into the kitchen with an intrigued look. When he saw the boys cooking he turned back to me on the floor and raised his eyebrows. I buried my head in my arms in embarrassment before I got to my knees and retreated back into my room.

            I heard him stifling a laugh as I closed the door and rested my back against it. Maybe he thought I was watching Sungjongie. It didn’t really matter what he thought I was doing though because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything. I could trust him to keep my weird voyeuristic ways to himself. What was happening to me?

            I exited my room twenty minutes later as if nothing had happened. I went to the kitchen to eat the kimchi pancakes. Woohyun acted like he was surprised to see me.

            “Noona, you’re up early this morning! Was there a show you needed to catch or something?” He gave me a cheeky grin around a mouth full of kimchi pancake.

            I gave him a withering look as I stuffed food in my own mouth. Sunggyu and Sungjong looked oblivious as they cleared the kitchen of the mess they created.

            As soon as I had entered the room Sunggyu’s energy changed; proving my theory correct. His body seemed more rigid as he faced us and told us that we had to be ready for our first fan signing event by 10 am.

            He went to leave then, but stopped to take my apron off and hand it to me. “Sorry I got you’re apron dirty,” he said. All his joy was gone and he seemed so serious. It made me sadder than I ever could have imagined.

            “It’s fine,” I said cheerily. “You are welcome to use it anytime.”

            He just nodded before going to his room. I ate my pancakes with a frown as Woohyun watched me from his seat on the counter. I didn’t care he could watch all he wanted.

            When I was done eating I got ready for the fan signing. Normally, I would’ve been nervous. There was a lot to be nervous about. Mainly the possibility of anti-fans showing up. I would probably start bawling if anything hurtful was said to my face, but all I could think about was how to make Sunggyu smile in front of me.

            I couldn’t believe how many people were at the fan meet. We were seated at a long rectangular table in order of age. Myself and Sunggyu being the furthest down the table while Sungjong and Myungsoo were first. I nervously touched everything on the table in front of me as the fan’s cameras flashed left and right while they waited in line. It was strange to look up and see every single face looking at us. Girls were huddled in groups pointing and giggling. At least I didn’t see any unhappy faces.

            What was the hold up? Why aren’t we starting this thing?

            I fiddled with my water and pens again when Sunggyu leaned over and began talking in my ear. I had been expecting words of encouragement, but all he said was, “You look a little bit like a crazy person.”

            “Yah!” I yelled as I faked like I was going to hit him with a big smile. He laughed in response as I realized the fans were watching and capturing everything. I quickly put my hand down and tried to look casual as he chuckled in his seat. I was proud that I got a smile out of him, but part of me wondered if it was for the cameras.

            I looked passed Dongwoo to my right to see that Woohyun was making hearts over his head and then throwing them at a group of giggling girls. I watched him with a grin. What a grease ball.

            Once the signing started you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I was expecting two things to happen. Either I would have no fans or I would have a bunch of anti-fans, but the reality of the situation was the complete opposite of what I thought. It seemed like I had just as many, if not more, fans than the others in the band. Boys and girls alike approached my spot at the table offering gifts and things for me to sign. I shook their hands and even gave hugs when they were requested. Some fans even took the time to tell me that I was an inspiration to them. Apparently after our in depth interview I had gained popularity. I was so happy I wanted to cry.

            I was surprised by the number of male fans I actually had. I knew that part of the ploy of having the mixed gender band was to bring in the male audience, but I had no idea how well it was working. The male fans ranged in age from four to forty, as one ajhussi gave me a picture to sign. He said it was for his daughter, though. Sunggyu gave him a look as he left, but just smiled when I looked at him questioningly.

            Sunggyu was making that suspicious face again as a handsome twenty-something guy told me I was beautiful. I tried not to blush as I informed him we had great stylists. I felt Sunggyu shifting uncomfortably in his seat when the fanboy asked for a hug. It was quite the hug as he squeezed me and almost dragged me forward over the table. I nearly fell as I balanced on my tiptoes but I felt someone’s hands wrap around my hips firmly as I was pulled away and guided gently back down to my seat.

            “That’s enough,” Sunggyu said nicely as he faced the fanboy. I waved goodbye from the safety of my seat as the boy left looking like he just won the lottery. Sunggyu watched him go until he had disappeared before going back to his signing. I watched him with a little grin as he signed a cute sixteen year old girl’s picture and handed it to her with a strained but still brilliant smile.

            “What are you staring at?” he said as he looked over at me.

            “What? Oh nothing,” I said as I shook my head to clear it. I brought my eyes forward again and continued to greet our fans.

            Everyone was chattering at the same time on the ride home. I listened intently as Sungjong was telling me about just about every fan that came up to him. Sungyeol was complaining about his hand cramp and Dongwoo nodded along in solidarity. Sunggyu was in the front discussing something with the manager as usual. I stared at his profile and watched his lips moving as he spoke. He was almost pouting as he spoke I thought with a smile.

            “Noona what are you looking at?” Sungjong asked trying to follow my gaze.

            “What? Nothing, Sungjongie. Keep going.” I had completely forgotten he was talking. I was usually such a good listener. What was wrong with me? It was a question I had started asking myself often.

            As soon as I got comfy in my bed I pulled my leather journal out from under the mattress. I hadn’t written in it yet. I just took it out at night sometimes and moved my fingers over the leather. It smelled good I realized as I rested the tip of my nose on it.

            Tonight was the night I was going to write in the journal I decided with a determined nod of the head to no one but myself. I lifted the shade on the window so that I could write by moonlight. I tried to ignore the dirty depressing side yard as I laid back down.

            I opened to the first page and started writing. I began with the day I joined the band and wrote down every concern, feeling, laugh, and tear that I could remember. Hours went by as I wrote and wrote with only the quiet sounds of Sungjongie and Manager Jungryl’s snores to accompany me.

            I had probably filled 30 pages with my scattered thoughts when I felt a weird leveled bump in the paper. I turned the page over expecting to see something behind it, but I just saw the same leveled bump on the next page. I flipped the pages suspecting that a coin or something had fallen in somewhere, but I finally found what was causing the disturbance.

            On the last page of the notebook was a hand scrawled note and a small plastic bag which was attached to the page with tape. I opened the plastic packet to find a golden necklace. I held the chain up in the light and saw that a small charm had been attached on one of the links. I placed the charm in my hand and rubbed my thumb over it with a smile. It was a golden sunflower. I looked over to the note.

            “This made me think of you”, was all that it said.

            I decided I was done writing for the night as I curled up with my gifts. I fell asleep with the necklace wrapped around my hand and the journal under my nose.