“Okay, let me get this straight. You want me to be the eighth member of an otherwise completely male pop group?” I asked, struggling to keep my skepticism from showing on my face and failing miserably.

            “Yes, and I understand your uncertainty. It is true that in the past mixed gender groups have not been very successful, but the industry is always changing and this group is special,” Executive Choi stated calmly.

            “What is special about this situation?”

            “You must understand that in our industry our success is fueled by the love of the fans and it is our one job to make the fan happy. The mixed gender groups that have debuted so far haven’t found great success because the fans want the band members to be obtainable, no matter how unlikely it is that they will ever actually date a member. When a group has an even number of girl members and boy members, the fans tend to imagine them all pairing up; which can make them seem unavailable. With this group, you will be the only female member and there will be seven male members. It is my hope that the fans will not feel threatened by you. At the same time you will be able to draw in the male fan base that is harder to obtain in the boy band world.”

            I sat in silence for a moment trying to make sense of the situation. I had been in training at Woollim Entertainment for a little over a year and no one had ever so much as hinted at a mixed gender group being formed. I always just assumed that I was going to be in a girl group.

            “Of all the other female trainees why did you pick me?” I asked with genuine curiosity.

            “There are many reasons why you were picked. One reason would be that you are one of the best female dancers, if not the best female dancer in the company. Being in a mostly male group the female member has to have a great amount of endurance and stamina to keep up with the male members. We also feel that your voice has a quality to it that will blend well with the male members that we’ve chosen. You were also picked for your personality and … mental fortitude. I think that you can handle all the hardships that will come with being in this group. I do want you to realize though that this will not be easy,” he finished with an incisive look.

            I knew when he said mental fortitude that he was aware of what I had been through in the past with my family. He naturally assumed that after experiencing a great deal of pain and loss, I had tough enough skin to handle such a crazy undertaking. I wasn’t sure if he was right to assume I could handle it. I was strong; probably stronger than most girls, but I had my weaknesses. 

            There were a billion questions I should’ve asked, but there was only one thing on my mind. This could be my only chance. Not all trainees actually made it to debut. Some were dropped, some quit, and others could wait years to make it onto a stage. There was nothing in this world I wanted more than to be a singer. Did it really matter if I was in a group with boys instead of girls?

            “When do we start?”

 

            Why am I so nervous?

            It was the first meeting with all the members of our new group and I felt like I was going to puke. I sat at the table with Executive Choi and our Manager Jungryul, whom I had been previously introduced too. Neither of the men seemed surprised that I was the first to arrive or that I was there 20 minutes early. My nerves wouldn’t let me stay away a moment more. I wanted to get this part over with.

            Being a trainee at Woollim Entertainment I had met a lot of my peers and even made some close friends, but I mostly knew the girls. I was always shy and awkward around the boys. I didn’t have many male friends growing up and I had never dated a boy before either. I was too focused on becoming a singer to the point that dating someone never even occurred to me. This was probably another reason why they picked me of all the other female trainees. In the contract I signed, it explicitly said that dating or having inappropriate relationships with any other member was cause for immediate termination from the band. This didn’t bother me in the least because I had no plans on dating anyone any time soon. I also didn’t know the boys in the band at all.

            Of the seven boys I was only familiar with one of them; Jang Dongwoo. He was very silly and boisterous and definitely hard to ignore. But I didn’t really know any of the other names on the list. I recognized a couple of them from the hours of girl talk that I had sat through over my time in training, but I didn’t have faces to go with their names. I remembered girls swooning over Myungsoo’s good looks and Woohyun’s silly aegyo charms, but I couldn’t picture their faces.

            I was trying to remember a story I had heard once about the one called Hoya, when the first member arrived at the door. He looked and walked like he was a model. He was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and a black wool coat. Under the coat he was wearing a plaid button down shirt and a pair of tight fitting jeans.

            He took his glasses off and bowed to the executive and the manager before he turned to me. I stood up and offered my shaky hand as I leaned across the table. He took my hand with a lopsided smirk and grasped it firmly with both of his.

            “Nice to meet you,” he said politely. “I go by L, but you can call me Myungsoo if you prefer.”

            His eyes were piercing as he regarded me and I stumbled over my own introduction.

            “I-It’s nice to meet you too. My name is Julia… you can c-call me Julia.”

            “She’s a little nervous,” Manager Jungryl explained as Myungsoo eyed me thoughtfully. “Julia is actually the second oldest in the band after the leader so that makes her your noona.”

            “You can just call me Julia though if you want,” I said quickly. I didn’t want them to have to use titles with me if they didn’t want to. I was raised in the United States so I didn’t mind being called by my name.

            He just smiled to himself and took the seat across from me. He seemed a man of few words which was fine by me because the less I talked the less stupid I’d probably seem.

            Shortly after Myungsoo’s arrival more boys began filtering in. Next, was the youngest; Sungjong. He was definitely what you would call a flower boy. He was beautiful. In my opinion he was actually much prettier than me. He had delicate features and a petite frame. I noticed when he shook my hand that even his fingers were graceful. He asked if it would be okay to give me a hug and I accepted. He was taller than me and skinnier. I felt like if I hugged him hard enough I’d snap him in half.

            “I am so happy to finally meet you, noona,” he said, smiling ear to ear. I didn’t mind being called by my first name, but I had to admit, I liked that he called me noona. I was about to sit back down next to him when I noticed another boy had silently entered and was sitting next to Myungsoo.

            “Hi my name’s Woohyun,” he announced with a wave and a warm smile. I leaned across the table and shook his hand too.

            The next three came in together which completely overwhelmed me. I didn’t know where to look. I spotted Dongwoo first.

            “Hello noona!” he exclaimed. “You look lovely today,” he continued; bowing deeply to me with a giant grin on his face.

            “Yah! You’re going to freak her out,” the shorter of the other two said to Dongwoo as he socked him in the arm. “It’s nice to meet you my name is Howon, but most people call me Hoya.”

            “Sungyeol,” the tall one said with a shy wave. 

            I tried my best not to laugh at the three of them. Everyone sat down as we waited for the last member. In another minute he would officially be late. I realized with interest that the name that I hadn’t heard yet was Sunggyu. Wasn’t he supposed to be the leader? He was the only member that was older than me. Six months older than me to the day, I had noticed when I saw his birth date.

            Our leader arrived in a huff just before the scheduled meeting time. He immediately apologized for his lateness and bowed a full 90 degrees to the manager and executive. They accepted his apology and he turned towards all of us. He bowed slightly to us and introduced himself as their leader Kim Sunggyu before he took his seat at the opposite end of the table. He was the only person that didn’t greet me personally. I was oddly peeved by it. I looked down the table at him, but he was looking at the manager and the executive; waiting for them to start talking.

            “Today is the first meeting of Woollim Entertainment’s newest band Infinite,” the executive said taking over the room. “We believe that with the eight of you there are infinite possibilities.”

            We all listened seriously as the executive and the manager talked about our band, our living place, our schedule, when we would debut, the rules and all the logistics. Some of the members would speak up to ask questions at times, especially Sunggyu. Other members, such as myself and the maknaes, just listened intently. The meeting went on for two hours.

            Right when I thought I might lose my mind from all the information I was receiving, Manager Jungryl stood up and smiled. “Okay now the fun part. We realize that you don’t all know each other that well yet, but you guys are going to be spending a lot of time with each other very soon as you record and train for your debut. So we got you guys all tickets to an amusement park nearby. We want you to go have fun and get to know each other better because in a few days you will be living together and you have to get along. You guys have the rest of the day to do whatever you want. Call me if you need me and don’t get into any trouble. Remember your contracts.”

           

            We made our way to the subway station in a strange formation. Sunggyu and Woohyun lead the way as they shared a hushed conversation. Dongwoo, Sungyeol, and Hoya walked in a little clump as the maknaes hung back a little. I strolled along a few paces behind the maknaes and reflected on the meeting and my new band members.

            As if he just remembered me Sungjong turned and started walking backwards. “Noona are we walking too fast for you?”

            “No, I was just thinking.”

            “Come join us. We don’t bite,” Myungsoo said in his silky voice. I secretly wished I could hear him sing. Even his speaking voice was beautiful.

            I jogged forward so I was in line with the maknaes. It felt nice that they wanted to include me so I stuck by them the whole way to the amusement park. That’s when the day got a bit chaotic.

            Upon entering the park I soon realized that Dongwoo, Sungyeol, and Woohyun were the big kids in the group. Sungyeol placed a large map of the amusement park on Hoya’s back as they heatedly discussed which rides to go on first. They began arguing, loudly. Dongwoo insisted that they play games first because he was scared to go on some of the rides, he unabashedly admitted. Sungyeol wanted to go on the rollercoaster and made jokes that he was probably the only one tall enough to ride it. Woohyun hit him upside the head. I tried not to laugh at the way the shorter boy bounced up on his toes slightly to get a better angle. It was all fun to watch, but Sunggyu quickly broke it up before they became too ridiculous.

            “Sungjong,” Sunggyu addressed the quiet maknae suddenly. The seventeen year old jumped a little beside me.

            Everyone was quiet as Sunggyu looked at him with a serious face.

            “Yes, Sunggyu hyung,” he said sounding a little bit worried.

            “What shape is this amusement park?”

            Sungjong looked at the map. Anyone could see that, although there were little offshoots, the different rides and games were set up in a giant circle with an ice skating rink in the middle.

            “It’s a circle,” he answered.

            “Correct. So what do you think we should do?”

            “Umm... I guess I’d start on the left and go around the circle until we loop back to the beginning.” He still sounded a little scared, but then Sunggyu smiled. His stern leader face became suddenly silly as his narrow eyes somehow narrowed more.

            “Smart maknae,” Sunggyu chuckled as he mussed up Sungjong’s hair. I couldn’t help but feel pleased at Sungjong’s grin when he received his leader’s praise. “You three… not so smart,” Sunggyu teased, as Dongwoo, Woohyun, and Sungyeol made faces at their new leader.

            “I just have one rule for today,” Sunggyu stated before we started off. “Everyone stays together. We are a team now. If one person goes on a ride or plays a game we all do it. All or nothing.”

            Everyone was full of energy and excitement as we made our way slowly through the amusement park. We rode every ride including the children’s rides. Actually the simpler rides were the ones we enjoyed the most. Everyone was laughing on the bumper cars as both the leader and the maknae were ganged up on by the other members. I usually didn’t gang up on people so I betrayed the rest of the group and started foiling their attacks; especially those attacks made on little Sungjong.

            In the carnival game section, we decided to have our own balloon popping contest. Every member would try to pop as many balloons as possible with the darts. Whoever got the biggest prize was the winner and got to keep everyone else’s prizes. I stood back and watched as the boys stunk up the place. Sunggyu and Dongwoo only popped 3 balloons each, Woohyun got four, and the rest only popped two each except for poor Sungjong who only popped one.

            “Come on noona, all or nothing,” Sungjong said as he handed off the darts to me.

            I apparently was quite good at darts. I popped six balloons. The man working the game informed me that I could pick one of the giant stuffed animals and I couldn’t help but bounce on my toes like a gleeful child, belying my 20 years of age. I picked a giant stuffed green snake that I could wrap around my body. I had to coil the tail end around my shoulders a couple times because the snake was longer than my entire height.

            “Why didn’t you pick a cute one?” Hoya asked. He was holding a little purple stuffed poodle.

            “He is cute,” I said indignantly. “His name is Sir Hissalot.”

             I received a shove that nearly knocked me over from a laughing Dongwoo. Every perfectly white tooth in his mouth was showing as he had a happy fit. Everyone else expressed their own amusement as they witnessed the startled look on my face after the push. I definitely was not used to hanging out with boys.

            Dongwoo’s joy came to a shrieking halt as we got to the big rollercoaster rides.

            “Remember Dongwoo, all or nothing,” Sunggyu said.

            Dongwoo nodded somberly as we approached the line. He was so quiet and his body was so still it made me uncomfortable.

            “Maybe you could just stay here and hold all the stuffed animals Dongwoo,” I suggested brightly. “Sir Hissalot is going to be awfully lonely.” I moved sir Hissalot’s head so that he was nodding at Dongwoo. His eyes brightened a little at the idea, but we were immediately shot down.

            “If you don’t go on, none of us do,” Sunggyu said sharply, looking Dongwoo in the eyes. He still hadn’t looked at me once all day. Even now he didn’t look at me, even though it was my idea he was squashing.

            “Yeah, I’ll do it,” Dongwoo replied as if he never even considered not going on.

             We left our prizes with the employees that worked at the front of the line. We boarded the ride in pairs. I asked Dongwoo if I could sit with him and he nodded; still looking worried.

            All I could hear during the whole ride were Dongwoo’s screams. I think I may have heard the others laughing at him every once and awhile, but I didn’t find it funny. He clutched my hand like a vise. It hurt, but I wanted to help as best I could, so I gripped his hand right back.

            His legs were wobbly as we got off the ride and I quickly ducked under his arm; laying it across my shoulders so he could lean on me a little as we walked.

            “Thanks noona,” he said looking a little green. Sunggyu came up to us, his expression all concern, as he peered into Dongwoo’s face.

            “Happy?” I asked failing to keep the anger out of my tone.

            At first Sunggyu looked like he was going to say something tough and leader like to me. I waited patiently, looking him dead in the eyes. Everyone else, including Dongwoo, watched our stare down in silence.

            Finally, Sunggyu’s eyes softened and he shook his head. “I’ll take him.”

            I allowed Sunggyu to take over helping dizzy Dongwoo as we went to collect our prizes. I carried Dongwoo’s stuffed monkey so he wouldn’t have too, but I left Sunggyu’s leopard behind. Someone else could carry it if they wanted.

 

            After that incident, we decided to leave the amusement park and go find a restaurant so that everyone could eat and Dongwoo could rest. We walked down the street in a similar formation as before. Dongwoo was able to walk by himself, but he was quieter and I could tell he was still queasy. I spotted a convenience store up ahead and decided to hang back so no one would notice me run in. I found nausea relief medicine quickly and paid for it. I had to run to catch up to the band as they were a block ahead of me now. I realized that I must’ve looked very silly running around the city with a giant stuffed snake curled around my body, but at least the sun was setting so there were less people out and about.

            I reached the members without anyone noticing I was gone. I passed the maknae line and grabbed Dongwoo’s arm. He looked at me in surprise as I pressed the medicine into his hand. When he had it, I fell back and started talking to the maknaes about their prizes. Their winnings were technically mine now because I won the contest, but I had no intention of taking them. Dongwoo looked back to mouth a thank you at me and I shook my head to let him know that his thanks were not necessary.

            We decided to eat at an expensive looking restaurant that specialized in spicy octopus. I didn’t have a lot of money on me, but Sunggyu assured us all that the company was paying for our entertainment for the night. We were seated at a long table in a more private, dimly lit area at Sunggyu’s request. I sat with Sungjong and Myungsoo on my right. Sungyeol was to my left. Much to my chagrin, Sunggyu was sitting directly across from me with Woohyun on his right; Hoya and Dongwoo were seated across from the maknaes.

            At first the conversation was light and playful as we ordered and ate. Everyone got very excited when they learned that I was an American by birth and was raised in the states. My dad was half Korean, half French Canadian decent and my mother was one hundred percent Korean. That made me ¼ French Canadian. They all looked at me strangely as they tried to point out my non-Korean features.

            “You do have abnormally large eyes,” Hoya said thoughtfully.

            “And double eyelids too,” Myungsoo pointed out.

            “I thought she had a weird accent,” Sungyeol mused to himself.

            “Is that your natural hair color?” Woohyun asked.

            “She dyed it I bet,” Sunggyu mumbled into his glass.

            “I think it looks nice noona,” Sungjong proclaimed as he picked up a random lock of hair and looked at it closely.

            “Okay let’s talk about something else please.” My head ached all of sudden. “And no, it’s not dyed, my dad had dark brown hair too.” I realized my word slip a little too late.

            “Had?” I heard Woohyun question.

            “Are you okay noona?” Dongwoo asked as all the blood left my face.

            “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied as I pushed my food around my plate. I could feel seven sets of eyes staring at me as they waited for me to explain. No part of me wanted to talk about it, but it would also be a relief to get the whole thing out of the way.

            “My parents passed away,” I said, still pushing my leftover octopus around. I listened as at least four of the seven members in their breath. You could hear a pin drop in that room.

            "I'm so sorry noona. What happened?” Sungjong asked innocently.

            I raised my head in time to see Sunggyu glare at him, but the maknae didn’t notice as his eyes were fixed on me. Myungsoo too was watching my face intently. The other members avoided my glance around the room; except for Sunggyu whose glance I avoided myself.

            I turned my body towards Sungjong and Myungsoo as I told them what happened.

            “They were out celebrating their sixteen year wedding anniversary when they got into an accident. A man who worked driving trucks was passing by them when he fell asleep at the wheel. The police say that they could tell from the skid marks that my dad tried his best to avoid the truck, but he crashed into a tree. The doctors said that they hadn’t suffered which I was thankful for.”

            I told the story straight and emotionless just as I had told it many times before.

            “What about the truck driver?” Woohyun asked.

            “He woke up in time to stop his truck so he was fine,” I shrugged.

            “Does that make you angry?” Sunggyu asked quietly. “That he lived even though the accident was his fault?”

            “Are you my band leader or my psychiatrist?” I replied snidely.

            I wasn’t usually so aggressive with people I barely knew; or people in general, now that I thought about it. But somehow Kim Sunggyu had effectively gotten under my usually iron clad skin the moment I met him.

            His serious expression didn’t change as he waited for my response.

            “No, I’m not mad. I was upset because I had lost my parents, but I don’t feel any kind of hatred towards the man,” I answered in an exasperated tone.

            “Why not? I would’ve been angry. I probably would have attacked the man if he killed my parents,” he said hotly. He seemed to regret his words a second later as he gave himself a little shake. The word ‘killed’, although accurate, unsettled me deeply.

            It took me a moment to answer as I thought back to that day. The man’s face when I saw him at the hospital floated in my vision like a ghosts.

            “The amount of pain and anguish that man went through on that day is not something I would wish on anyone. I hope with all my heart that none of you ever have to witness a man’s face when he realizes that he just caused the death of two people and orphaned a fifteen year old girl. I hope you never have to watch a grown man cry on his hands and knees and beg a child for forgiveness because he killed her parents.” The word ‘killed’ came out with a nasty sneer and I was shocked at my own harshness.

            I was staring right into Sunggyu’s eyes as I spoke and hadn’t realized that by the time I finished speaking I was at the brink of tears. They weren’t sad tears though, they were angry ones. Why am I letting him get to me like this?

            I tried to brighten my voice as I blinked away the water in my eyes. There was no way in hell I was crying.

            “After the funeral, I came to live here, in Seoul, with my mom’s parents. I had only met them once before, but they made me very comfortable and introduced me to the city and the culture. My mom had always loved singing and she had a beautiful voice, so after she passed I decided to sing her favorite songs for myself. It made me feel closer to her. My grandparents overheard me one day and told me how great my voice was and that I should audition to be a singer.”

            I looked around to see that they all still looked thoroughly depressed. I had officially shot the mood right in the face.

            I smiled and turned back to Sungjong and Myungsoo. The pity on their faces as they watched me made me want to hit somebody; not them though. Sunggyu’s face came to mind, but I pushed it away.

            “I love this country. I don’t know why my parents ever left. Do you want to know one of my favorite things to do since I’ve been living here?”

            Sungjong and Myungsoo both nodded their heads yes.

            “I like to sing karaoke.”

            Sungjong’s face lit up as soon as the words escaped my lips.

            “Noona, I love karaoke! We all do! Noona do you want to go sing? I want to hear you sing!” His voice rose with every word and I couldn’t help but absorb all of his excitement. His brightness suffocated all the darkness that had crept up inside of me. His energy immediately infected the others too as they sat up taller and turned towards their leader.

            I gave Sunggyu a grave look that said, 'Don’t you dare ruin this.' But it didn’t look like he intended too. Perhaps the maknae’s happy virus reached him as well.

            “Let’s go.”

 

            On the way to the karaoke bar we all excitedly talked about what we would sing. It was requested by a now healthier looking Dongwoo that I sing a song in English since I knew the language so well. Hoya proudly told me that he knew English songs too and that he would sing one for me. Sungyeol had offered to carry my stuffed animal for me. I laughed at his struggles with Sir Hissalot’s tail as it got stuck between his long legs while he walked. Myungsoo helped him by carrying the tail as we made our way through the starlit city.

            When we got to the karaoke bar it was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to get away with hanging back. I was instantly pushed towards the microphone. After a moment of thought, I picked my mom’s favorite song. Everyone hushed as I began singing “All You Need is Love” by the Beatles. At first they all listened in an odd sort of rapture as I smiled and sang it just the way my mom used to sing it to me. I made cute hearts with my hands even as I held the microphone. By the end of the song everyone was singing along and having a great time. Woohyun and Dongwoo even danced around in circles as they held each other’s arms.

            Once I had finished I was greeted with claps and hoots. Sunggyu was smiling at me, too. His eyes vanished in an annoyingly cute way.

            Keeping on the English trend Hoya sang an Usher song that showed off both his singing and rapping capabilities. I sat back in fascination as I got to hear each of them sing for the first time. Sungjong sang and danced to a girl group song. Everyone laughed as he did the dances better than the girls who originated it. His voice was sweet and angelic and soothed any of my remaining nerves. Myungsoo sang an acoustic version of an older Korean song that I didn’t recognize. As I had suspected earlier, his singing voice was just as lovely as his speaking voice.

            Woohyun also went the English route and sang a song by Stevie Wonder. It was clear that he was one of the best technical singers in the group. After he finished, Dongwoo and Sungyeol decided to sing a rap song together. Dongwoo was much better. I was guessing that Sungyeol was not one of the group’s rappers, but was just having a good time.

            Finally, Sunggyu sang a song by their seniors Nell. Dongwoo let me know that they were Sunggyu’s favorite band and one of his greatest inspirations. The Sunggyu shaped pit of ice in the center of my heart melted a little when I heard him sing. Of everyone I had heard sing that night, he portrayed the most passion and feeling. Even though I had already butted heads with him, I couldn’t help but be intrigued by Kim Sunggyu. I clapped along with everyone else when he finished.

            Everyone was exhausted as we made our way back to the dorms. I felt like I was going to collapse if I didn’t go to bed soon. We all stood in the dorm building’s main room as we said our goodbyes. My room was in the girl’s quarters on the opposite side of the building. Sungjong was the first to hug me as we were all saying goodnight. Myungsoo quickly followed suit and embraced me too. Then they all seemed to want in on the action and I became the recipient of six hugs that ranged in size and pressure. Dongwoo almost crushed my spine as he lifted me off the ground. When it came to Sunggyu’s turn he just nodded and smiled, looking awkward and apologetic. I nodded my head at him and went to walk away.

            “Wait,” Sungyeol yelled as he untangled Sir Hissalot from around his body and carefully adorned me with him. All the other guys walked up and started handing me their prizes from the balloon game. They piled them into my arms even as I insisted that they keep them as mementos. Sunggyu came over last and struggled to find a good spot to place his leopard in my full hands.

            “Please just keep him,” I pleaded quietly, so the others wouldn’t hear me. I was still a little upset at him for earlier and didn’t really want him giving me gifts.

            He ignored me as he managed to squeeze the leopard between my cheek and Sir Hissalot’s head that was tightly wrapped around my neck. Maybe it was because the others couldn’t see, but he cutely stuck his tongue out at me and ruffled the hair on the top of my head. He backed away to stand with the others as they hooted laughter at my new appearance. Dongwoo pulled out his phone and snapped a picture before I could voice a complaint.

            “That will make a perfect caller ID picture,” Myungsoo smirked as he leaned over to peek at it.

            I turned to leave again when Sungyeol yelled for me to wait. It was like a bad case of déjà vu.

            Sungyeol asked everyone to stay where they were as he ran away towards the men’s dorms. He came back a moment later with a real camera and a sleepy looking trainee that couldn’t have been older than fifteen.

            “Group shot,” he shouted with a giant grin as he handed the camera off to the kid.

            Everyone crowded around me and my burden of prizes. Someone’s warm breath tickled my ear and someone else’s hand was resting comfortably on my hip. With the snake wrapped around my head like a neck brace I couldn’t see anything besides the sleepy boy holding the camera.

            “Say kimchi,” the boy grumbled as the camera went off.

            The boys all ran to look at the shot.

            “If that picture ends up on the internet you will be a dead man Lee Sungyeol!” I shouted as I hobbled towards the hallway to the girl’s dorms.

            “Aww but noona you look so cute in it! Come see!” he shouted back at me.

            “Maybe tomorrow,” I said with a yawn.

            “So we get to see Julia noona again tomorrow too, hyung?” I heard Sungjong ask quietly.

            “We get to see noona everyday now,” Dongwoo answered.

            By the time I finally got my door open and found my way to the bedroom, I was too tired to do anything besides let myself fall backwards onto the bed; animals and all. I loosened Sir Hissalot’s hold on my neck so he didn’t strangle me like a boa constrictor while I slept. But upon moving the snake, Sunggyu’s leopard fell away from my cheek and rolled onto the ground before I could catch it.

            He landed on the ground in front of me with his beady plastic eyes facing mine. I couldn’t help but look into the animal’s face and think of Sunggyu.

            “Yah! What do you want?” I yelled at the leopard, forgetting that my roommate was fast asleep in the next bed.

            “Julia who are you yelling at?” she grumbled sleepily as she rolled over.

            “No one, go back to sleep,” I replied. She was snoozing again before I had even finished speaking.

            I stared into the leopard’s eyes for another minute before I reached out with an annoyed groan and grabbed it by its stupid leopard head. I put it back against me cheek and nuzzled against it like a pillow.

            I missed those boys already. Every last one of them.

           

            Sunggyu couldn’t sleep at all that night. He sat up in bed and put his head in his hands; pulling at his hair in torment.

            Why was I such a jerk to her all day?

            He wasn’t that kind of person. He wasn’t mean or cold. He had always been told that he was very warm and had a great laugh. People usually loved him. Girls loved him, too. Not her, though. She must have hated him.

            Pabo. Pabo. Pabo. Pabo. He thought as he hit himself in the head.

            He couldn’t stop seeing her glaring eyes as she spoke to him at the dinner table. He had deserved it for saying what he had. Even though he knew that she was seething with anger at him in that moment, the fire that burned in her dark eyes only drew him in further. And she had burned him. The guilt was eating him alive.

            He felt like a fool for being so cold, but he didn’t know how else to lead in a group like this. He didn’t want to treat her differently just because she was a female. She wouldn’t have liked that at all. So he had tried his best to treat her in the same way he treated the others, at least that was his intention, but he knew he hadn’t done that. Instead of being nicer towards her than he was to the other members, he had treated her worse. He had a feeling he was just going to harm her more in the future and the thought bothered him deeply.

            Pabo. Pabo. Pabo.

            He took out his phone and went to his Mp3 section. He opened the New Downloads folder and stared up at the ceiling as “All You Need is Love” started to play. He hit the repeat button as he watched the memory of her happily singing the song play on the backs of his eyelids. He replayed her performance in his head five times before he finally drifted off into a restless sleep.