The night ended way too fast.
After scolding Zelo he had sat in the living room for at least one more hour, staring at random spots, shifting on the chair more than a hundred times.
Zelos expression hadn’t left his mind at all.
It was burned into his memory, the sad look on his face, the disappointment, the anger that had only shown for a mere second.
When he finally went to bed his mind was still tangled with thoughts of the maknae.
Weighting pros and cons on apologizing, on being honest, on keeping his mental hide and seek game going.
He tried to bury all thoughts on confessing, tried to lock all conflicts away.
He wasn’t even sure what to confess.
Maybe that he was being an or that he was doing it because he was probably growing feelings for the other or he might be not.
All those thoughts going round and round in his head it felt like only minutes to him.
He kept tossing and turning on his bed, kicking the blanket off, pulling it back in.
His chest was so tight he felt like suffocating.
And then when he finally calmed down a little and rolled over for what he decided was the last time for that night, he heard birds chirping outside his window and when he opened his eyes it was already getting bright and he hadn’t slept for a single second.

He dragged himself into the bathroom and to the kitchen.
His head was aching so bad from the lack of sleep he wanted to swallow at least half a box of aspirin to kill the throbbing pain.
Himchan was sitting at the table, a cup of coffee and a half eaten toast in front of him.
“Morning.” He said and Yong Guk only managed to grumble in response.
He needed to get back on track and he needed to do so fast.
He grabbed a cub and filled it up with coffee, no milk, no sugar.
He didn’t feel like drinking anything sweet, just black bitter liquid that would wash down the riot in his head.
“You look whack.” Himchan stated and bit into his toast.
“Drop it!” Yong Guk hissed into his cup before hot liquid ran down his throat.
Himchan chuckled.

This morning was already horrible and all he wanted to do was to crawl right back into bed.

A door creaked and feet were dragged over the floor.
Yong Guk didn’t raise his head but he saw the pink mob of hair in the corner of his eyes and his stomach cramped instantly.

He didn’t want to see the maknae, not before he figured himself out but he couldn’t avoid it after all.

The yonger boy entered the kitchen without any greeting, walking up to the fridge to take out some milk and prepare a bowl of cereals.
“You’re not greeting your hyungs?”
Himchans voice cut the silence and Zelo sighed.
“Morning hyungs.” He mumbled, eyes fixed on the bowl of cereals.
He stayed in the corner, shoveling his cereals while leaning against the counter the farthest he could stay from the leader.

Yong Guk kept staring into his mug, the black liquid rotating inside as he twirled the porcelain.
He felt Zelo eyeing him.
How his eyes ran up and down his figure, fixed on his weary face.
His heart kept thumping in his chest, hands clenched around the coffee.
Himchan looked from one to the other, a slightly annoyed, definitely observing look on his face.
Zelo placed the empty bowl in the sink and walked towards the door but Himchan grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.
His hand wrapped around the maknaes waist.
His fingers slid underneath the cotton fabric of his shirt, the youngers abdomen.
Yong Guks head shoot up and he stared at Himchan wide eyed.
 The older boy smirked at him, his fingers dancing over the maknaes white skin.
“Hyung cut the crap!” the younger mumbled his eyes locked on Yong Guk who was eyeing the scenario in front of him suspiciously.
Zelos cheeks covered in a little blush when his eyes met Yong Guks.
He untangled from Himchans grip and stumbled out the door.
The door to his room slammed shut.
Yong Guk eyed Himchan estimating.
The younger took a sip of his coffee with an unfazed expression.

What had just happened? Yong Guk felt puzzled.
However he looked at it the way Himchans hand had just touched the younger boy was ual.
It wasn’t a normal, joking gesture it was a ual innuendo.
The blood started rushing through is body, he ground his teeth, his eyes furrowed.
He eyed Himchan who was sitting on his chair all calm and totally unconcerned about the incident.  

„I can’t believe you passed that opportunity.“  Himchan mumbled into his mug.
Yong Guk raised an eyebrow, his lips pressed together into a thin line.
“What are you implying?” he pressed the words through his lips sharply, signaling the other to better think well about his reply.
The dark haired boy just smirked arrogantly and got up, the chair scratching over the floor in an awful noise.
 “Just saying you missed out on something.” He said looking down on Yong Guk, literally but even more by the way he smiled at him, an arrogant, superior smile.
Yong Guk felt like he was about to jump off his chair and punch the other right into his freaking precious face, instead he clenched his hands and hardly bit down on his lip.
He glared at the other as Himchan turned around and left the room, waving his hand in the air as if they just had a happy early morning talk.

His mind went wild.
He tried to read sense into what Himchan had said, tried to figure out what it meant but the conclusion he came up with made his stomach cramp painfully.
Could it be that Himchan and Zelo had something going?
Was there even a possibility?
Maybe it was just a general statement by Himchan and he wasn’t implying anything.
Maybe Yong Guk just read too much into his word but then again that look on Himchans face probably said more than 1000 words.
And he knew Himchan too well to ever misread his expressions, they were friends after all, close friends he had thought.
It was disgusting, it was saddening and it hurt to even imagine.
His heart was in pain.

The day passed by too slowly.
Minutes felt like hours while his head was occupied by tumbling thoughts.

They had reached the studio for todays photo-shoot about an hour ago.
On their way there they had kept their distance.
 Zelo asked Daehyun to switch seats in the van so he sat on the far left now, Himchan on the far right while Yong Guk remained in the front seat.
They didn’t talk at all but Yong Guk felt Zelos eyes shifting in his direction every now and then.
He kept staring out the window, gazing into the distance, lips pressed together.
He was not willing to be affected by the others glance but still it made his heart feel heavy.

He kept trying to understand, kept wondering what he’d missed out on, any sights that had implied his bandmates actions.
He tried to belie his conclusion and if it weren’t for the expression on Himchans face that morning he would have argued that he was mistaken.
There was nothing out of the ordinary going on between the two, no tension that he could make out as an indication.
He tried to convince himself to let it go but it fret him.

His eyes kept wandering from Zelo to Himchan and back.
Zelo looked so normal to him, standing next to Daehyun, eyes focused on the I-Pad in the others hands.
He wasn’t sure what he expected to see though, there was no such thing as a note sticking to his head stating ‘Yes I slept with Himchan’.
Maybe it was some kind of punishment he received for hurting the boy that obviously had loved him so deeply.
He fixed his eyes on Himchan, who was sitting in front of the mirror, one of the stylist ladies fixing his short black hair.
Himchan looked up and met his eyes.
He raised an eyebrow and a smirk formed on his face.
The implication of that smirk was obvious: I know you’re watching, I know you’re troubled and this is what you seeded.
Yong Guk glared at him, his lips pressed into a thin line.
If only Himchan would start laughing and tell him it was a bad joke but he just stared back at him blankly before he broke their eye contact and turned to talk to Youngjae.
Yong Guk sighed and sunk back into the chair.

No matter how disgusted he felt just from imagining Zelo being held by Himchan he figured there was no more denying it.
He just deeply hoped that Himchan had treated him differently to how he normally did, that he had cherished him, embraced him with tenderness and gave him something Yong Guk hadn’t been able to.
But from the attitude he had shown when he dropped the hints and from the look he had given him just now it seemed to be the opposite.

Just what was going on exactly? And how did it get to this?
There was no reason for those two to be together, actually it was pretty much impossible or so he would have thought.
He was sure that Himchan did not particularly hate Zelo but he didn’t like him either.
They just never got along so well and he knew how much Himchan disliked Zelo clinging to him, well how he used to before all this happened.
It was a fact that Zelo had admired Yong Guk before; it had been obvious to everyone.
A maknae admiring his hyung, simple as that but Himchan had despised that behavior.
He’d complained about how tiring Zelos attitude was, how much of a kid he was.
Yong Guk never really figured out what was inside his friends head though.
To him there was no reason to treat the maknae the way he did.
Not that he was treating him very bad, just coldly and somewhat hostile sometimes.
 

His eyes went back to Zelo who was completely immersed into whatever Daehyun had running on his I-Pad.
He was still Zelo.
Nothing was different about him but somehow Yong Guk thought there should be a difference.
A sight that he was no longer the boy he held in his arms before but he still was.
Even though Yong Guk felt sick whenever he thought of Himchans hands on the others body, there was no visible change on Zelo.
There was only this dark feeling that overcame his heart.
He could still feel Zelos lips on his, he exactly knew what it felt like to wrap his arms around him and his sweet scent was still clearly engraved in his memory.
And now he was forced to accept that someone else knew all of it as well and what was worse about it was that, that person probably didn’t cherish those things nearly as much as he did.

Zelo threw his head back, laughing out loud about something on the screen.
His pink locks bounced as he swung his head left and right while holding his belly.
A thin smile took over Yong Guks lips.
That was what he wanted to see, a happy and unstressed Zelo, just how he had used to be.
Zelo opened his eyes, trying to catch his breath when he felt Yong Guks eyes resting on him.
The carefree smile vanished from his face, his lips drew back to a thin line.
He bit his lower lip, his eyes not parting from Yong Guks.
His eyes regained this sad expression again, like he was about to cry.
For a second there Yong Guk wanted to leap up and pull the maknae into his arms but Zelo looked away and was back smiling at Daehyun before Yong Guk could even consider following that impulse.  
Yong Guk buried his face in his hands shaking his head in distress.

Back when he had denied Zelo his reasons had been clear and unshakable.
He wanted Zelo to be loved and happy.
In the end what Zelo did and with whom, it was none of his concern.
He wasn’t the one to intervene or critique.
Still he felt like scolding the younger boy, for being irresponsible, for making the wrong, probably the worst decision but something inside of him twisted his anger towards himself.
It was his fault to begin with.
He felt beaten.
All his efforts, all the pain he had caused Zelo before, the pain he had caused himself, seemed to had gone to waste.
He was hurt, Zelo obviously was too.

What good had it bought at all?