He knew he’d missed his chance, he knew they weren’t going to be together.
Not that easily, not that sudden and mostly not after how he’d hurt the other, after he’d gotten bitter and tired.
Zelo never said it after all but Yong Guk knew he’d hurt him deeply, more than he had ever wanted to.
He could tell by the dim haze in his eyes whenever he looked at him now.
There still was this gleam of affection showing but it was mixed with a touch of misery, sometimes almost completely overthrown by it.
It made his chest heavy and breathing got hard every time he met those eyes.

They were talking again.
It wasn’t real talking, only occasional small talks and definitely not the kind of talk they should be having but Zelo had stopped averting his gaze and it made Yong Guks heart a little lighter.
He knew they still needed to have a decent conversation but it never felt like the right time to start it.

Even when they had sat in the living room together, though Zelo had agreed to talk they never did in the end.
Both of them sat in silence, involved with their own thoughts, thinking about whether to start a conversation or not, thinking about how to say what was needed to be said, trying to find the right words to convert what they felt.
They sat like that, lost in their own worlds until Jongup walked into the room again.
“It’s late.” He said but they didn’t reply, instead kept staring onto random spots.
Jongup sighed as he looked from one to the other.
“Maybe we should all go to bed and let everything sink…” his voice was small and quiet, his expression tense.
He was just trying to help somehow and Yong Guk could tell he wasn’t as confident as Youngjae to get involved and it was hard on him to find the right words.
He was such a kind kid, worrying about them like that and Yong Guk was glad he never showed a sign of contempt towards him.
Instead of judging him Jongup cared about him.
He cared about his wellbeing, about Zelos wellbeing and Yong Guk was incredibly thankful.
“Maybe you’re right.” He replied and Jongups face lit up a little, showing how glad he was to not have interfered in something he wasn’t supposed to.
Jongup turned off the TV and waited for Zelo to rise of the floor.
The maknae dragged his feet over the floor without turning his head he mumbled a “Goodnight hyung” as he slid pass Jongup into the hallway.
“Goodnight Zelo.” Yong Guk had replied while a little tingle had spread though his body on the simple fact that they could wish each other a goodnight again.

He barely slept that night though, once again turning left and right on his bed while his mind was occupied by thoughts and hopes.
Maybe the fight he had had with Himchan really got him back on tracks and maybe he would have to thank Youngjae one day for nagging at him.

It wasn’t long until Yong Guk found himself left with Zelo again.
They were getting changed after recording a short interview and it was the second time after so much time had passed where they’d never been alone that only the both of them were standing in the small changing room together.
Himchan had left on his own soon after the interview had been wrapped.
The others had left to get something to eat though if it weren’t for Youngjae they probably wouldn’t be alone after all.
The younger had dragged the other bandmembers out the room after convincing Jongup it was save to leave Zelo behind.
Yong Guk wasn’t sure if he was actually thankful for it but he had figured that sometimes Youngjaes urge for peace wasn’t all that bad.

His back was Zelo when he buttoned up his shirt.
He could hear the rustling sound of fabrics as Zelo undressed and he knew it was wrong but he couldn’t resist turning his head slightly to peek at the younger boy.
He felt like a ert for doing so though if not for the still awkward tension he wouldn’t even have to worry about getting changed together.
It was this tension that lingered in the room that had him turn his back on Zelo and forced him to look at the other secretly.
He watched as the fabric of Zelos shirt slid down his arms.
His heart trembled inside his chest as he scanned the others body, down his neck over his shoulders to his collarbones.
And there was what Yong Guk had hoped not to find, a slightly faded bit mark on white silky skin.
Yong Guks stomach ached at the thought that someone else had touched the others body.
However he wasn’t regretting his decision back then, it clearly would have been wrong to take the others innocence at that time but he regretted that his decision led to Zelos first experience being with someone who didn’t care for him, not even a little.
If only things had been different for him back then, if he had been like he was now, he would have been able to embrace Zelo the way he deserved.

He turned around almost mechanically and took a step towards Zelo whose head shot up, his eyes wide as Yong Guk approached him.
The leader held his breath as he looked at his maknae, whose handsome features drew an expression somewhere between uneasy and estimating.
Yong Guks hand trembled as he reached out to meet the area close to Zelos collarbone.
His fingertips met the bruised skin, grazed over the surface softly and Zelo froze under his touch.
His eyes wide open as he looked at his arm.
It was the first gentle touch they shared in months.
“Hyung?”
Zelos voice was thin and trembling as he breathed the word.

Yong Guk wasn’t sure what exactly he was doing and there was the possibility of Zelo pushing him off but still he lowered his lips to brush them over the annoying mark.
As if he could make it disappear, as if he was able to replace it that way.
Zelo shuttered at the touch.
He didn’t flinch but stood unmoved and quiet instead with his eyes set on Yong Guk who raised his hands to rest them on Zelos arms.
His lips quietly mouthed a short apology against the younger boys skin as his heart kept throbbing wildly in his chest.
“What?” Zelo mumbled as the words never reached his ears.

Yong Guk straightened his back, locking his eyes with Zelos while his hands held on to him tightly his thumbs drawing circles on the youngers arms.

“I’m sorry.” He mouthed the words slowly, his voice thin and he felt bad for not being able to say more.
Anything that would express what he felt when he looked at Zelo.
“I know.”  The younger mumbled, averting his gaze.
Yong Guk shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes as he kept looking at the younger boy.
 “No.” he replied leaning in to rest his head in the gap of the others neck to hide his face.
Zelo let him do so, not moving an inch with his body all tense.
Yong Guk drew a deep breath, trying to get rid of the fluttering feeling in his chest from being so close to the other.
“I’m really sorry. I’m a coward and you deserve better, I should have been a better hyung to you. I shouldn’t have done the s I did…the ones I didn’t do…I’m sorry.”
The words dropped from his lips warily and quiet and he tried hard to hold back the tears that build up in his eyes and wouldn’t stop pushing to be released.
Zelo sighed and Yong Guk couldn’t help but marvel at the fact that Zelo was all calm and composed.
He seemed so much more mature in this moment and it made Yong Guk feel like the dongsaeng instead.
“It’s ok hyung.” Zelo said as his hand rubbed over his back softly and it was so wrong because Zelo wasn’t supposed to be the one comforting him.
The maknae wasn’t supposed to just accept his words like that, not after he’d caused him so much pain.
Still Yong Guk couldn’t help but drown in the moment.
He wrapped his arms around the others body, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them.
One of his hands resting on the others back, the other buried in Zelos pink locks, he held him as tight as he could.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered again and one drop of hot salty water finally found its way to roll over his cheek.
He knew it wasn’t nearly enough. Just a simple sorry wasn’t going to turn things back to how they had been but he couldn’t think of anything else to say at this moment.
His heart stumbled when he felt Zelos wrapping his arms around him as well.
The maknae kept patting his back and Yong Guk stopped caring about whether it was right or wrong to be the one crying now.
He didn’t care if he looked stupid because for once he decided to just let go off everything and do what he felt he needed to.
There was still so much going on in his head but the ing rollercoaster of emotion he’d been on for so long seemed to finally come to a halt.
He just couldn’t help but get emotional over those things.
The mere fact to hold Zelo in his arms again, to feel his body against his own was enough to make him want to shed tears of joy.

They remained like that for a while and he felt Zelos chest rise and sink against his own, his hair tingling on his cheeks.
He sensed Zelo opening and closing his mouth once in a while, about to say something but the words never passed his lips.
He was about to ask him what was on his mind when he heard Zelo mumble quietly.

“I don’t want you and Himchan to fight.”  
Yong Guks eyes furrowed when Himchans name came up, when this moment was about them and not his former best friend.
He didn’t want to think about the brown haired boy, not when he finally held Zelo in his arms again.
“Well that’s a different story.”  
He said, trying to drop the topic but Zelo untangled from his grip, shoved him off, his hands resting on his shoulders to keep him at arm’s length.
Yong Guk felt a sudden emptiness as soon as the warmth of Zelos body disappeared.
“No!” Zelo said sharply and Yong Guk raised an eyebrow.
He looked at the younger with confusion in his eyes.
“You shouldn’t have taken him for granted you know…he’s got feelings too.” The last words were so quiet they barely reached Yong Guks ears.
The leader couldn’t quite make out what Zelo was talking about; let alone why he even cared.
He could tell there was more to it, that Zelo wanted to say more, maybe explain a little but instead he saw him bit down on his lips, averting his gaze again as if he’d said too much already.
He thought about asking him to continue but Zelo dropped his hands from his shoulders.
“We need to head back.”
The younger said suddenly and Yong Guk watched him spin around, hastily slipping into his black oversize shirt.

He seemed in such a hurry to collect his things, almost as if he was eager to run from him again.
And then he was out the door and Yong Guk was standing all alone again.
He sighed and grabbed his bag.
His hand rubbed over his neck as he wondered if he’d said something wrong, if this was how it was going to be from now on, with Zelo running off on him.
When he turned to the door a mob of pink hair appeared and the leader blinked his eyes wondering if he was seeing things.
“Hyung come on I’m hungry.”
Zelo say and a thin smile grazed his lips before he disappeared again.
A big gummy smile formed on Yong Guks lips and the grip around his bag tightened as he tried to suppress a happy yelp.
Maybe it wasn’t going to be all so bad after all.
“Coming!” He yelled before running after Zelo. 

(I'm really not happy with this chapter...damn...we have about 3 chapters left by the way and 2 additional oneshots that are not yet on AFF but on my lj only as they would spoil this story xP)