A Heart That Knows

{Jung Jessica has always been, and will always be, the girl who doesn't know what love is}

3154w; K

part one

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Jung Jessica has always been, and will always be, the girl who doesn't know what love is. People will always remember her as the cold, ice princess, who only cares for herself and what is good for her, and who doesn't give a about everything else around her. She will always be the least favorite daughter, friend and member. Everyone will hate her, not because she's beautiful but because she's a . It's a natural thing, her being detestable, as everyone says.

However, Jung Jessica, the stone-hearted princess, is also a normal person. She eats junk food even though she has to watch her figure, breathes the same air her antis breathe, and live a pretty ordinary life (minus the whole persona of being-in-one-of-the-most-famous-girl-group in South Korea and possibly, the whole world). But of course, that sounds pretty common for someone in the industry like her.

She also has feelings, being a normal person that she is, and knows the pain of heartbreak, loss, hatred. (It’s really, really shocking to almost everyone but that’s how a normal person should be.) She has experienced every bit of sadness that exists (and although this is a bit exaggerated, she has felt those emotions at times we will never know) and she is used to all of it. Most of the times, when those poignant moments and memories haunt her, she ignores them and pretends to be fine. She continues to work in the life (if you can even call it that) that has been prearranged and controlled by people she doesn’t even trust.

Jung Jessica knows only one thing: God hates her and pretty much everyone else around her.

It doesn’t really bother her that much. Like stated before, she’s used to it. She’s fine. She’s okay. She’s alright. She doesn’t need anything or anyone. She can handle everything on her own.  

...

Jessica has always been a late worm. Mornings and Jessica don’t work well together. She’s not really into things like “waking up” or “exercising”, she finds it as a bother. But on one chilly morning, she decides to at least get rid of the small flesh oozing around her waist even though Yuri says it’s not really noticeable. Despite her huge disregard of antis and their nasty comments, she still cares about her image. She is a girl after all.

After jogging for what seems like forever, she drags her lazy feet to a nearby park and rests on the swing. She swears, while panting heavily, she will never run around on morning light, where everyone is usually up, going to work, shopping on markets and some old people exercising. Being mobbed isn’t what she expected (and luckily for her she out ran them) then again, it would be a miracle if stars wouldn’t get mob.

“Good morning Princess,” A teasing warm voice calls out from behind and Jessica turns around to see Heechul, clad in a gray sweater with the hood up, black jogging pants and red running shoes. She assumes he’s just finished exercising; running around the streets near the company’s building like what he usually does. “Fancy seeing you here. You seem deep in thought.” He chuckles and sits beside her.

Heechul has been one of her longest friends since she was a trainee. He’s one of the most people she really trusts and he knows her really, really well. It’s amazing to her they’re not really twins like some people say.

“Not really.”

Even if she doesn’t say anything, Heechul knows what is on her mind. It’s one of the perks you pick up when you’ve known someone for so long. You memorize their gestures, expressions and really, you need no words to know. “Don’t worry, Jess. It will die down.”

Jessica snorts, leaving a smirk on her face. “Will it really? I think I won’t.” Nasty rumors about her are spreading again. She remembers, around the time before she even debuted, how antis used to bash her on her me2day because she was close with Super Junior and TVXQ. Now they bash her for her face, which they think she went under the knife, and as always, her attitude.

“You’re right. It probably won’t. Just ignore it like I do. I mean, can you believe it? They think I’m gay!” He laughs aloud and she just rolls her eyes. Of course they would think he’s gay. He’s been kissing boys all around during their concert. She doesn’t know whether to be disgusted or what. However, that’s how Kim Heechul rolls and it’s his life; his decisions do not affect her in any way and vice versa.

Jessica’s face is vacant and expressionless. Thoughts are rushing in and out of her mind and a question, which she asked herself hundreds of times but never quite had an answer, re-surfaces and she doesn’t know if he will have an answer for her. With any luck, she hopes he has. “Oppa, do you think I’ll ever be happy?”

For a while when he stayed quiet, her hope faints. What if she is a hopeless case after all? Will she be alone in all her life? What if people forget her? However, when he stands up from the swing, pats her head and smiles, it feels like she will find happiness somehow. “You will Sica. I know you will.”

...

Jessica has never really been into guys that much. She likes guys and even has ideals of her own, but she can never really imagine being with one in real life, celebrity or not. Okay, total lie— because she has imagined being with this one guy and it was so close in becoming a reality that it almost took his and her career. However, the guy, whom she trusted with all her heart and whom she was willing to give everything up, broke up with her quoting, “we’re too young for this, maybe we’ll get back someday so please wait for me”. Of course, all the years of waiting came to waste when he showed up one day with another celebrity girl in arms, saying they were together. She knew though, he was only in it—in her— for the money.

It’s probably one of the reasons why she doesn’t want to be with a celebrity guy – or any guy for the matter, everyone is greedy in their own way and only want what’s good for them. It’s where she learns her ways. But there’s something different with this guy, a label mate, and it really fascinates her how he’s so unlike the people around her.

His name is Lee Jinki, also known in the stage as Onew. He’s been around for quite some time now, 2006 to be exact, and even though she doesn’t know much about him, there’s something in him, drawing her. Whether it is his soft and gentle voice or his warm and sincere smile, she can’t really say.

The ice princess she is, she really doesn’t do anything to make him notice her despite her fixed fascination of him. He doesn’t do much for her too. She has realized from a long time ago that he was never sociable or gregarious with people. Friendly— yes, however to only some people and she’s not one of them. So she just watches him from afar, doing his sangtae, which she thinks is ridiculous because he will only hurt himself, smiling and laughing so genuinely at everyone after a long working day, even though he’s exhausted himself, and caring about everyone around him when he shouldn’t be helping anyone else but himself. Maybe she finds him amusing because he’s so selfless. Unlike her.

...

“Annyeong hasaeyo!” Jessica hears someone greet blissfully and with familiarity. She turns around to see Jinki walking in from the door with the same bright smile he wore the last time (and possibly every time) she saw him. His temples and neck are filled with sweat and his white damped shirt too. He’s been practicing again. He always practices. It’s like his second nature.

“Jinki-ssi! Practicing hard, are we?” Eunhyuk comments while doing stretches on the floor, getting ready to do some choreography. He has this special stage – actually, all main dancers have this special stage on a music program this Sunday.

“That’s Jinki for you.” Hyoyeon darts a knowing look at Jinki, who’s blushing crazily at a corner, embarrassed. “What’re you doing here anyway?”

He scratches his head shyly. “Our manager wanted me to observe.” He’s looking aimlessly for Taemin around the room. He spots him, chatting with Donghae and Victoria, and the seventeen-year old turns and sees him. He gives him a nod and a huge grin.

“Oh, then you can sit beside Sica and Kyuhyun.” Hyoyeon points at the east side of the room, where several fellow label mates are seated with bored expressions on their faces and clearly, disinterested on why they’re even there. Jessica watches as Jinki walk towards them and she meets his eyes for a short while before going back to her conversation with Kyuhyun, whom Jinki sat beside with.

The practice starts and the music booms with an electronic feel, its energy edging on the dancers and the pace starts fast and lively, that it almost shakes the entire room. For once, Jessica is mystified and amazed by their synchronization. Her jaw is alight slightly and someone chuckles at her. She turns her head at a grinning Jinki obviously thrilled seeing practices like this.

...

“You stare at people so much, you know. Strangest habits you got there.” Hyoyeon whispers knowingly at Jessica when practice ends and they head down the dorm to respite for the day. Jessica rolls her eyes and settles herself in the seat beside her ten-year friend. She doesn’t bother to reply because she knows the other has something more to say. Hyoyeon grins widely and teases her playfully. “I saw you staring at Jinki a while ago during practice. Do you like him?”

The blonde just sighs irritatingly and gives Hyoyeon a pointed look, which she just laughs at. “Shut up.”

“I know you Sooyeon. We’ve been friends for like—half of our lives. I’ve picked up a few stuff from just watching you with people and I know what I’m saying when I tell you, you like him.”

“Leave me alone.” Jessica groans as she grabs her pillow seat and throws it at Hyoyeon, who easily ducks it, still laughing.

“You need to loosen up, Jung. There’s no harm liking someone. You can’t beat yourself up with the past and stay there forever. ” Hyoyeon says in an assuring way before she closes her eyes to succumb herself in sleep. Jessica feels a swell in her heart and she thinks hard about Hyoyeon’s words, measuring it and weighing its bearing. With one look cast in Hyoyeon’s direction, she sees the almost asleep girl mischievous smile. “Plus, the pros of having glorious will make you feel wonderful. You never know~”

Rolling her eyes and giving her friend a half-hearted smirk, Jessica also surrenders herself to slumber.

...

It is really, really funny how life works out for her. One moment she is thinking of letting her small crush (yes, Jessica considers it as a crush due to Hyoyeon’s prodding) on a certain Lee Jinki go (because it’s silly and stupid and he will never, ever like her back) and the next she is sitting on a couch next to him outside the studio booth, waiting to get called by the music director so they can record their duet for So Nyuh Shi Dae’s next mini album. She doesn’t dislike being near him but she neither likes it. It is sort of a mix of happiness and uncertainty.

Turning her head, she angles her face just so she can see Jinki offering a small smile on his baby face to no one in particular. Although his face seems otherwise, notes Jessica, his stance is rather rigid and constraint. Could it be his nervous around her? Not that it really surprises her, because a lot of people are scared of her but she wonders how he can be afraid of her. They don’t interact much and she remembers not really giving him a reason to dislike her too. This is definitely different from the usual Jinki she sees. Humoring herself, she gives him an effortless,

“Hello.”

His reaction almost wants to make her cackle. Eyes widening, mouth gaping, and a finger pointing at himself, he only lets out a squeak of “M-me?”

“No,” The blonde snorts. “I was referring to the wall.”

Jinki’s brows furrows and his lips are now in a cute and puzzled pout and then it turns into a small ‘o’ and finally, he lets a childish grin come across his face. Jessica has never seen someone lay out so many emotions in a face at once.  She is slightly amused.

“I never knew you were such a joker.” He amuses.

She simply replies, “I’m not.”

Once again, Jinki’s mouth twists into an ‘o’ and mumbles a “right, right, of course”. He stares at her. Jessica doesn’t say anything else and merely exhales a breath. They both sit in silence.

“So… what did you want again?”

Jessica barely makes a reply when the music director calls her inside the booth so she can start her recording. She casts a glance at her partner and sees him shake his head, sigh, and slump back with defeat on the couch. She smiles and hopes that they can talk later.

...

This is a lucky day, Jessica decides. It’s her off day from being a celebrity, which means, she doesn’t have to wake up early from a schedule, go get her hair ruined by annoying stylist or stand in front of people pretending. She starts her day by doing her morning routines and she eats breakfast today—no need to keep appearances today. In the middle of chewing her delicious pancake with whipped, she wonders what she will do today. Go out with her non-celebrities today, maybe? Stay at home and catch her sleep? Visit her parents? Finishing her food, she resolves she wants to spend the day alone.

Donning on a gray beanie toppling her blonde hair, aviator shades to cover her eyes, a black cardigan thrown over a white shirt, faded jeans and black flats, Jessica steps out of her room to find a very dazed Sunny stretching her limbs.

“Where are you going?” She asks, her hair messy and all over the place.

“Just out. I’ll be back in a couple of hours, tops.”

“Okay.” Sunny yawns characteristically and makes her way to the bathroom when she halts and smiles at the blonde. “Hey Jess?”

Rummaging her bag, Jessica checks if she has her dorm key with her. It will be too bothersome if she forgets it. Too busy to look at Sunny for a reply, she settles with a, “Hmm?”

“Have fun today.”  Jessica looks at Sunny now and she smiles back at her, nodding.

...

The sun is out and it’s beautiful. Jessica takes a minute to appreciate the beauty of the blue sky. The blonde heads off to a café where most idols visit. It’s a secret place for the celebrities to hang out without the annoyance of fans and their flashing lights. Greeted by the smell of coffee and soothing music, she props her self on a plush chair and a woman takes her order. When the waitress leaves her to her business, Jessica takes out a book. She needs some catching up with her reading.

She is interrupted, however, a few minutes into reading, when a voice calls out to her. It’s familiar and warm. She turns around to be welcomed by one of Jinki’s best smiles. “Good morning to you too Lee Jinki.”

“What are you doing here?” He says in a relaxed and delighted tone. He is wearing his casual clothes too. Plaid shirt, jeans and sneakers. Laid back looks good on him, Jessica notes.

“My off.” She doesn’t continue or ask about him and instead proceeds on her reading.

“Me too. Mind if I seat here?”

Inclining her head, she utters almost in an irritated tone, “Whatever.”

They seat together quietly and throughout the next thirty minutes, they stay that way, both reading a book. They only break the stillness when their food arrives but after that, it returns to its previous state. It is not surprising the least that Jinki breaks the silence. Jessica is not a woman of many words, after all.

“Are you going to stay here all day?” He asks randomly as he stretches his stiff limbs. Maybe he should have jogged this morning…

“None of your business.” Jessica answers coldly, even though she hadn’t meant it.

But Jinki only swats her rude remark away like a fly when he smiles at her and goes to her side. She looks up to him and she can’t help melt a little with his genuine beam. She doesn’t let him notice it. “You can come with me if you want. I have an extra ticket my friend gave to me for a play the other day.”

“What makes you think I would come with you?” She hisses, however, she is putting her book away and tucking it in her bag.

His lips only grow wider until she’s sure it will tear apart from too much smiling. “Because I know you’re bored and the play is really good. I’m sure you’ll like it.” When the blonde doesn’t indicate she’s about to move, Jinki adds, “I’ll treat you to lunch.”

She grunts but accepts anyway. “Fine.

...

When they arrive in the theater house, people recognize them. It is not hard to spot a bright, young blonde with the face and presence of a goddess, let alone a man with a sunshine smile. Thank God no one is brave enough to actually say hi or ask for autographs. They give their thanks for their privacy through small smiles. They find their seat in the middle and watch as the curtain draws and the musical begins. She doesn’t concentrate much on what’s happening before her because her attention is on the boy beside her.

In the dim lights, Jessica can see how happy and satisfied Jinki looks. He always has such a calm and soothing face to match up with his equally sweet voice. His giddiness is vibrant in his eyes. If it’s from the musical going on in front of them or from just being out from work, she doesn’t know. But there is a little whisper in her heart that hopes that maybe—just maybe—it’s because of her.

Almost as if he knows she is look at him, he turns his head a little and gives her the warmest and most loving smile she has ever seen. At this moment, it feels like she has fallen in love.

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author's note:

there's a part two btw.