fog and fears and a mouth full of hot tears

927w; drabble

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He held the blade firmly. It was small and gaunt-looking. Onew didn’t really remember where he got it but he knew its destination and its use so it didn’t really matter. Actually, nothing really mattered to him these days. He cared too much and it brought nothing to him but pain.

The metal was cool to the flesh as he placed it on his flaw free wrist. He pressed it on his skin. No pain came. Just a bit more pressing and came the sting. Onew prided himself to be a clever person. Everyone admired the smart Onew. If he was as bright as everyone thought, then why was he cutting himself deep and open?

The knife wasn’t deep enough to cause bleeding so he added more force on to the blade and was welcomed with the sight of blood. A small bead rolled down his forearm and dropped on the floor. He squinted his eyes, curious. He wondered if he could make a pool of blood if he pushed more. He wondered what it would feel like. Dying. Would it hurt to die of blood loss or would you feel anything at all? He read somewhere that the loss of blood in the brain often resulted in headaches but it would gradually “disappear” when you get used to it. You become oblivious to the pain. So maybe it was a tad of the both? It was an intriguing idea. To know pain but not to feel it.

Onew winced. The razor was getting deeper and deeper. The continuous flow of blood made his skin cold. Or was it the blade? Maybe if he dipped more, he’d find out…

“Hyung!” Someone screamed. He wanted to turn his head but found it was hard. A small hand enclosed his and the sharp object he held was tossed afar. The person was trembling. “Key hyung! Hyung!”

Onew could hear voices—familiar voices. Everything was hazy, bright lights of incandescent colors were dancing before his eyes. His head throbbed. He wondered if he was dying. His heart ached. If he was dying, why did it still hurt? Didn’t they say dying relieved you of pain? This was why he desired to experience “dying”. Ah—it seemed that this method of dying was quite a failure. He should’ve gone for the sleeping pills instead.

He was floating. There was a blinding light. He was in a tunnel he belatedly realized. The brightness came closer and closer—or was he walking towards it?—and just as he was about to find out what the end of the tunnel was like, he was engulfed in darkness.

The last thing he remembered was her laugh.

…

When Onew opened his eyes, he was greeted by white. He frowned. Was he in heaven? Wasn’t he supposed to be in hell? People who commit suicide were usually condemned to the blazing flame.

“You’re awake.”

Sadly, replied Onew in his mind. So this wasn’t heaven or hell… this was much worse.

“Hyung why did you…? Is it because of—I’m so sorry Onew hyung. I didn’t really mean…”

Onew didn’t want to hear any of it. He closed his eyes and attempted to feign sleep. Maybe if he ignored Jonghyun long enough, he would go away eventually. He hoped so. He didn’t want to deal with anything right now. Eternal sleep was all he longed for.

There was silence. No one had left the room yet. Jonghyun was probably waiting for an opportunity to talk to him but Onew will not allow it.

Fifiteen minutes later, Jonghyun finally leaves.

Onew released the breath he was holding.

He could breathe again.

…

Onew spent five days in the hospital. He didn’t really do much on his stay. When the SHINee members visited, he pretended to listen to their discussion but didn’t join much. He found no strength and joy in talking to anyone. He found it tiring. Jonghyun didn’t visit ever again. Onew was glad. He didn’t really need him.

On the third day at eleven in the evening (visiting hours were over then), he got a surprise trip. He was more bitter than surprise really.

“Why’d you do it?” she asked. He didn’t want to answer so he threw the question back.

“Why’d you do it?”

No answer came. Onew didn’t really expect one. She was sitting close to him but he couldn’t see her expression. He wondered if she was looking down at her hands, fiddling with it. She had a tendency to do it when she was nervous or guilty about something.

“It’s not what you think,” she said eventually.

Now what who thinks? Him? It’s what he saw.

I saw you, he wanted to accuse her, you were kissing him. You were kissing my group mate. What did you want me to think? I may act dumb but I am not stupid. I have loved you more than myself. I have given you more than I could give. What more do you want from me? You wasted my efforts and love. You broke me. Your ruined my life. How dare you face me right now! Have you not have shame, woman! Leave and never come back!

Onew couldn’t say it. He was always too weak when it came to her.

There was scraping of metal stools against the floor and the sound of rhythmic clacking of heels. It stopped. Onew felt like his heart would burst into a million pieces. She was walking away from him. She’s leaving.

Don’t say—

“Goodbye Onew.”

Goodbye Jessica.

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a/n

onew and jessica were girlfriend and boyfriend. jonghyun kissed jessica because he had a crush on her. onew saw it. he tried to kill himself. they break up. yay tragedy~ ALSO I AM BUSY. SO NO UPDATES FOR EVERYTHING. but i will update everything before the year ends. promise~
 

for oneword, this is seven months late. hehe. i hope you like it. thanks for being adorable. <3 :)