secret

1147w; drabble

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I had met him back in 2006, a year before SNSD debuted, while on voice class. He had been introduced by our teacher and was said to be observing that day. He looked gleeful as he entered the room but the smile he had on his cute chubby cheeks faded when class started. He was tad nervous and shy (sometimes he smiles politely too), which was clearly shown on his face while looking around the room. He looked out of place sitting alone while we gathered around the teacher to start.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him while class was on going for curiosity had won me over concentration. Almost everyone had their eyes on him anyway. Our eyes met at one moment; he gave me a small smile (somewhat acknowledging me) then looked down embarrassingly. Startled by the eye contact (I swear, he wasn’t looking at my direction before), it made me sing off tune causing several questioning glances thrown in my direction. Thankfully, the teacher disregarded my ‘incompetence’ instead of embarrassing me in front of everybody like he normally would. I didn’t bother to check at his reaction, sure that he would be snickering on his seat.

Shockingly, I found out later that we were of the same age (for when I saw him the first time, I thought he was a middle school-er) and he would be in the same voice class as I am. Weird because usually, first timers would start in the lower class and not straight in the A’s. But he proved to be of worthy when he sang “Drunken Truth” by Park Hyo Shin with such gentleness and clarity it seemed as if the heavens were singing.

We personally introduced ourselves to each other the following week when I sang next to him.

“Good Morning. My name is Lee Jinki. Please take good care of me,” he said and bowed 90 degrees in respect. I also bowed the same angle with a smile and said mine.

“I’m Jung Sooyeon. You can call me Jessica. I’ll be in your care.”

I could say we’ve had a pretty normal relationship then. By that I meant the usual “90” greetings, questions like “Have you eaten?” or “What piece are you..?” and the high fives when we finish classes. We weren’t really close but we weren’t really that unfamiliar to one another.

After a year SNSD debuted, SHINee, the group he was in, also debuted along with Jonghyun, Key, Minho and Taemin. He was the leader and one of the vocalists of the group. His stage name was Onew. We met a lot during that time on variety shows, backstage at music shows, award ceremonies and we still had the same, normal relationship…

Until we had to sing a duet for our coming mini album Genie.

One Year Later.

It’s a story about a sudden meeting of ex-lovers. The lyrics were really touching and showed a lot of emotions that were kept up. I was really happy when they chose me because we were all expecting Taeyeon to sing it. I can’t say I wasn’t excited singing with Onew – I am! But I was anticipating one of the Super Juniors or maybe… Jjong?

“Hey.” He greeted. We dropped the formal honorofics after his debut. Everyone wanted us to speak informally. I smiled in response.

The music director came with the music sheets in hand and taught us how the song was going to be sung. I first entered the booth, sang my part and him following next. I was worried at first. Our voices weren’t exactly matched. His was soft, calm – relaxing. Mine was too girly and well – just girly. In the end it worked out really fine and my worries were put to rest.

We promoted the song twice on music shows. I was pleased and satisfied when people received the song well. Working with Jinki wasn’t a bad thing after all. Not that I thought it was. It actually felt nice, comfortable and there was no pressure.

Especially the first show.

I was so nervous; I forgot my lines. It was like debut all over again.

“You can do this. Sing and smile. I’ll be there.” Onew said and smiled before we went on the stage. My confidence boosted up and I did it. I sang and smiled just the way he told me to. But it also seemed he needed encouragement when he cracked. He was uncomfortable at backstage after that. I wanted to say something to him like cheer him up but I didn’t.

“Next time.” I told myself that night in bed. “Definitely next time.”

“Look at me – and only at me.” Onew said on our next promotion for the song. We were getting ready to get on stage when he pulled me on the side and whispered that to my ear. My heart skipped and my stomach fluttered at his soft, smooth voice and breath that tickled my ear. Even at stage while performing I could still feel it.

What the heck was wrong with me?

After much contemplation and argument I had with myself, I found an answer to whatever those feelings I get when I see him. Or how I stutter when we talk. Or that happiness when I see him smile.

I had developed a crush on him. I like him. I’m pretty sure it’s that and not in the like-like stage or love (ugh). I’ve never really thought about crushing on him. Probably because we were never really that close. But now… it’s different.

All I could think about was him. It’s insane. It’s like my whole world was revolving around him. Jinki. Lee Jinki. I said his name over and over again, a mantra in my head when I sleep. I liked to think that when we pass each other in the company that it was fate, that we were meant to brush each other’s presence. It was ridiculous but I reverted back into a little girl who had her first crush.

Three years later, I am amazed that I was still in-like with him. We don’t see each other much now. SNSD was busy with tours and SHINee was on concert tours as well. Occasionally, I receive a mail from him and it would make my day good. I don’t think something will ever happen to us. I am not Onew’s type after all. It was okay for me though. At the moment, I am not looking for love. My hands are too full with work. I know he is too. But maybe someday, when we are both out of this world, we can work. He will see me as someone more, someone he can learn to love and be with for the rest of his life.

For now, I will keep this as a secret. Lee Jinki, I love you.

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Note:

this has been in my folder far too long. early 2011 most probably. so there! half-assed but full of love!