A Heart That Knows

{Jung Jessica has always been, and will always be, the girl who doesn't know what love is}

1887w; G

part two

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Jinki isn’t an overachiever; he doesn’t try to impress others but somehow he shines just by being himself. This makes Jessica jealous because she was never fascinating like him when she was younger. She was normal and ordinary. There was really nothing special about her. But he—well he isn’t blessed with great looks like her and they have the same singing voices but there is definitely something there that people are so awestruck with. And one way or another, Jessica is drawn to that.

“Hey Jessica?”

The blonde looks over at the girl lounging across her, a skeptical look on her face. Her earlier magazine is discarded on her lap as she watches Jessica space out.

“Un?”

Choi Sooyoung smiles knowingly and speaks eloquently, “You’re glowing.”

Jessica shoots her a baffled look and raises her brow for her to expand whatever she meant by the comment. She has been getting weird comments for the past few days now—something between blooming like a youthful flower and looking warm and smiley as if her face is about to fall off.

She has been feeling good lately though. But she isn’t sure where it came from.

Jessica hangs out with Jinki on more than one occasion.

Sometimes they meet accidentally. Other times annoying people (like Hyoyeon) drag both of them to the company’s canteen to eat. But most of the times, Jessica messages him and tells him that they should meet because she’s bored and she wants to do something and she knows he has nothing better to do other than practicing. She is surprised by her own actions for it is very unlike her to invite someone—let alone a boy—out (she tells herself this is not a date), but she does not generally mind because it’s Jinki.

Yes, sneaking out is difficult under the eyes of her manager and yes, she is worried that people may see and bother them with vexing questions that is not really their business, however, when it’s with Jinki, it is alright with her.

Although sometimes she questions her decisions—Jessica has never been the cautious type when she was younger, which led from a very broken and tear-streaked girl to her ice princess persona. And now she wonders if she should continue to be wary around Jinki. Because Jinki is great and all, and he makes her smile more often than she used to, but in the end he is a guy and guys tend to break hearts and she is so tired of heartbreaks and tears.

(Again, she reminds herself that they are friends and they can hang out and this is not a date and no, she cannot fall for him. Even if she knows she has fallen really hard this time.)

“Did something happen?” Heechul asks suspiciously when they meet in the morning jog again. They are both lazy but mornings jog have become their new thing. The first rays of the sun are comforting and refreshing to bask in. To both of them, morning promises that today is a new day and a clean slate. Yesterdays mistakes are gone. They have nothing but to look towards the future.

Jessica looks at him confusedly, brow raised. “Not really. Does it look like something happened?”

“Nothing really bad… but different?”

“Oh?” She replies sullenly, sounding uninterested. Something is always different with her. New hairstyle. New hair color. New clothes. New shoes. But same old personality.

Heechul nods, inspecting her closely. His fingers glaze over his lips, tapping it. He is trying to gather his image of Jessica he knows. Or knew. “You’ve changed.”

“Have I now? Huh, I’ve been getting that a lot. I wonder what exactly is that have changed in me. I don’t really think so…”

“You’re definitely more talkative.”

“I’ve always been talkative.”

“Not really.” Heechul deadpans. He wants to point out that he likes this new Jessica. She seems happier and stronger and warmer than when he had first met her. She is becoming less like him and that’s good because being Heechul is hard and he doesn’t think she can handle all the negativity he has carried. Plus it doesn’t suit her at all. This warm Jessica, however, matches her very well for she is not the ice princess everyone calls her to be.

Heechul doesn’t say anything though. There may be a new Jessica but the old Jessica is still buried somewhere beneath all that façade. The scared and insecure girl is still waiting for a chance to arise and Heechul won’t have it. So he stays quiet and watches this girl blossom into someone he never thought she could be.

“Have I changed?” Jessica asks one day. They are at a rehearsal for their concert. Rehearsals have always taken its toll on her and she’s being lax right now, sitting at the edge of stage. Jinki is at her side, waving at some of their label mates passing by. They raise their brows at them, thinking the both of them are a weird combination but Jessica ignores them, too tired to be annoyed, and Jinki is just being Jinki.

“I don’t know. Have you?” He says. He lies down at the cold, hard floor. He’s tired and his body is aching. She watches him, unsure of what to do, and follows his position after replying.

“I asked first.”

Jinki shrugs, swinging his legs as he looks up at the lighting on the ceiling. The staff is doing the lighting technicalities. Different shades of light are parading just before their eyes. Amazing, he thinks, like magic. “I don’t really know what to answer. I haven’t known you personally until recently so I can’t judge the changes. Do you feel like you’ve changed?

“I’m not sure.” Jessica sighs, deflated. “I feel like I’m the same person I was yesterday. Or the year before that. People say I’ve changed though.”

“Maybe you have.”

“Maybe,” Jessica says but deep in her heart she doubts it.

“What are you thinking of?” Jinki asks. They are out in the beach somewhere in Tokyo after a tiring day of concert. Not much people around and for that, they are thankful.

Jessica is sitting on the sand, hugging her knees while watching Jinki kick the cold waves. The last rays of the sun hit him in the most perfect angles creating his handsome silhouette of his angelic face. He looks so happy playing by himself. It makes her heart swell watching this guy with his big, bright personality and he is just so… understanding. He doesn’t judge her when she says something rude or stupid—he doesn’t even say anything. He listens and that’s what people usually don’t do—they don’t listen, they hear and nod but they don’t comprehend—and she’s so grateful she has met Jinki. Someone like her can be noticed by someone like him.

“I don’t know… you’re kind of amazing. Like you’re perfect.”

“Me? Perfect?” Jinki laughs and Jessica can only frown. “Why does everyone keep on telling me that? I’m hardly close to perfection.”

“You are. You’re just denying it.”

“Nah. I’m pretty sure I’m not. I’m clumsy and I get trick easily. I don’t think that fits someone being perfect. But you…” Jinki mumbles, a blush forming on his cheeks. Rubbing his neck shyly, he chances a glance at her and smiles. Jessica can’t help but melt inside. “If we are talking about perfection, it would most likely be you.”

Jessica is quiet for a moment and she says nothing else afterwards as they watch the sun set out. The wind picks up and prickles her skins, sending shivers all over her body. Jinki is humming that song from the musical, the one she likes, and really, she won’t admit it, this is one of the best days she’s had without the pressure of everybody goading on her back to be nice and do something amazing. In all honesty, she has never been comfortable acting so differently from her real personality. It’s just not who she is.

Being here with Jinki, however, feels like it is the truest and genuine thing to do. There are no pretentions and deceptions to perform, and no expectations needed to be accomplished. There is peace and quietness and sincerity with Jinki—and maybe even happiness.

The world is shifting. Tiffany can feel it. Jessica is changed and her world is not the same anymore. She isn’t sure if Jessica knows of this. (She probably doesn’t.) The thing with Jessica is that she has a hard time separating her work from her personal life. It’s a burden she has carried for far too long, Tiffany thinks.

“You know Jessica, if you want to be happy, be.”

Jessica says nothing. Tiffany smiles at her softly and reaches out to squeeze her hand gently. She hopes Jessica will not turn away. Because in another time and in another place, she would have told her to mind her own business. “You’re allowed to have happiness in your life.”

And to Tiffany’s surprise, she squeezes back.

Jessica was seventeen when she first fell in love. It was with a man, a famous celebrity, who had an angelic face and a smile that could brighten the world. She was enamored by his face at first—like all the weak women of the world when faced with a gorgeous man, but soon, all too soon she had been captured by his voice and his confidence and well, him. Taking interest in him was something she had spent privately and secretly until she had been introduced to him. They made time for each other when he wasn’t too busy and when she hadn’t had school or training. Similar to all love stories, they fell in love.

Despite the rare times they had to themselves, it worked. They had conflict like most couples though it was never much serious. Between juggling love, work and study, Jessica was happy. She was not the type to ask for more when she had enough and she did not take advantage of things she possessed.

A year later, out of the blue, he said he wanted to break up. Confused, she asked why. He said they were too young, too foolish. If she waited maybe, he would come back. So she did but he didn’t.

Jessica understood then, when he saw her with another woman, that it was a dog-eat-dog world. The life she had decided to take was not really hers but of fame and fame without sacrifices is nothing but a sell out.

Jessica, young and broken, knew that love was not something to be given easily but something that must be treasured and be handled with care. And so, with earnest determination and conviction and in a box full of hope (and despair), she hid the million pieces of her heart.

When the stars twinkled and the late night breeze sung, Jessica opens the box full of hope (and despair). There, she finds her once-shattered heart whole—brighter, fuller and stronger. It has been healed and restored. Most importantly, it is ready. Ready to give itself away and ready to love again.

And as Jessica looks at Jinki, who is full of mirth and life, she finds that where there is life, there is love.

a/n: no one commented on its own thread so i'm posting it here. :(