Swimming in a deep and never ending darkness of which I am never capable to escape. Sitting, looking out into the dark, grey skys. Carressing the smooth, cold and hard wood of the cross necklace around my neck, I try my hardest to seek warmth. Nothing. Nothing comes to me, but a cold and dark feeling of being alone. Of giving up. Of just letting everything go. . . .

"Choi Siwon!"

Opening my eyes, I realize where I really am. Backstage, at some supposed to be "important" award show. Whatever. I walk out on stage as they call me name and accept the applause. Bowing respectfully to the crowd in front of me, I shake the MC's hand politely and smile, putting an extra effort into it. No one notices; no one cares. Just how I like it.

"Would you like to say a few words?"

Taking my position at the top of the podium, trying to adjust my eyes to the light attempting to blind me. I take a deep breath, and exhale with my eyes closed. The number one trick I do every time to help me relax. I envision myself alongside my mother, clinging to her, never letting her go. Opening my eyes once more, I stare down at the award for a brief second more. Then, I look out into the crowd. I smile as I start my little thanking/welcoming speech.

"Hello everyone here, and those of you watching at home. First, I would like to thank my family, for raising me to be the way I am today. Teaching me that, giving up or taking the easy way out is never the answer. Only through hard work and persperiation shall we acheive amazing things in life. Secondly, I would like to thank the director, producer, and staff that helped with my movie. I know it was hard work for all of you, but the end product was absolutely breath taking. Thirdly I would like to thank all my fans out there. Thank you for always supporting me, and always being there for me. Although we may not know each other personally, I would like you all to know that I really do love each and every single one of you. And lastly, but above all others, I'd just like to thank God. Without him and his guidance, I would definitely not be here standing before you tonight. I thank him everyday for all that he has ever given me, trials and all. And with that, I'd just like to say thank you all once again. God loves you. Good night."

A roaring sound of applause rises from the crowd. I stand proud, puffing my chest out. I make my way down the stairs of the stage and settle myself down in between my co-actors. The night goes by surprisingly quickly, and soon I am in my car driving home. I run my hand through my jet black hair that was gelled back earlier this evening. Exhaling a deep breath, I turn on my radio to listen to some music. Something to help me, relax a little. Ah, "River Flows In You" by Yiruma. Perfect.

Tapping my fingers along to the musical notes played on the piano, I soon find my way home in no time at all. Not wanting to disturb the peaceful aura I have accumulated, I wait until it's done. As soon as it's over, I climb out of my car and make my way up the stairs. But something seems off. And as I look around my dark and dim-lighted house, a hard realization fully comes into my understanding. I am alone.

Finally having made it into my bed, nothing but my boxers on. The cool night air arouses me, drifting me into an easy slumber. I dream of better and happier times. One with days filled with the rest of my brothers down at the beach, when we all used to get along. One with all 15 of us would just sit around the table and enjoy our meals, teasing each other lightly and playfully. One, of the days when Hankyung-hyung and I would do anything together. And that's when I fully realized just how much I missed him.

When we were on Happy Camp, year 2007. That was when the tears fully came out. I told him, I understood how he felt. How, he was just so tired and stressed out. He went through a lot throughout those years, and still to this day cannot see how he was able to overcome all of that. I open my eyes, for a sound has awoken me. It's soft, muffled. Searching my bed, I feel the under parts of my pillow and see my phone screen is lit. I check to see who it is, and see that I have a voice message. It's from Hankyung.

"Siwonnie~ How are you? I saw the show last night, your speech was amazing. As always." he laughs. "Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you. I've never been more proud of you, Siwonnie. I knew you could do it, you've always been such an amazing actor. Call me some time, maybe we could hang out one of these days? I miss you, Siwon. Please take care of yourself. I love you, little brother."

Tears. That's all I felt was tears running down my face. Hankyung, of all nights, you choose tonight to make me emotional!? That guy, I tell you. . .

I unlock my phone, and staring back at me is a picture of the 2 of us, along with the rest of SUJU-M. Back in the happier days, when we would all just laugh and laugh unable to stop. I hold the phone to my heart, and whisper a sweet meassage to my brothers.

"I'm sorry I didn't mention any of you tonight. If only you knew the pain I'm feeling right now, my brothers. I miss you all so much, the pain is unbearable. God, please watch after every single one of them. Yes, even Heechul-hyung. Send them love and your best blessings of guidance, for you and I both know that they all need it. Please. . ."

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see a light go on outside. Brows furrowed, I was about to look outside, when I heard someone knock my door. I grab my robe and fasten it. Making my way downstairs, I straighten my expression and wipe whatever remainding tears were left. Another deep breath. Okay Siwon, you can do this. I open the door, and who do I see with open arms?

It was Hankyung.