*told through the eyes of the Maknae.

No one knows his suffering. No one knows, when he'll snap and lose it all. Even if we try and soothe him, tell him everything is alright, nothing is ever going to be the same. Ever since he came home from his services, he's been sensitive to a lot of things. He blanks out in the middle of a conversation, and out of nowhere he'll slam his body on the ground screaming commands to grab the guns and prepare for the enemy. We know he's in pain, but none of us really and truly understand his predicament.

One day, Teukie-hyung and I were just sitting around. We decided to play some video games, in which I easily defeated him, when we heard some noise coming from upstairs. For all we thought, we were the only two home that day. So, suspecting it was a burglar, we grapped the phone and quietly made our way towards the sound. Apparently, it was coming from Kangin-hyung's room. The door was open just enough for us to see through. Instead of a burglar, it was hyung. He was on the floor, but he looked in a lot of pain. He was clutching the side of his head, almost as if he had a headache. Leeteuk-hyung burst through the door and bent down to check the wound. It was a gunshot.

"Youngwoon. . .what is this. . .?" Teukie-hyung asked, face full or horror. What Kangin replied with made me sick to my stomach.

"I tried shooting myself, but I miss fired."

"Hyung. . . .w-why would you do that? Aren't you happy? Aren't you satisfied? You're safe, you're home with everyone who loves you now, hyung."

"I can't take the pain. The voices in my head, the memories, the nightmares. . .Teukie-hyung, please make them stop." he whispers in hushed pain. 

"Youngwoon, I'm sorry. I-I don't know how. . .I don't know what to do. . . .Youngwoon I'm so sorry." Teaukie-hyung said, bent over Kangin-hyung in tears. Since I was holding the phone, I decided to call the hospital. Riding in the ambulance car, holding onto both of their hands, it was as if I went straight from being the Maknae to being the one responsible of taking care of the other boys. I had taken the Leader role, within 5 minutes. I now come to understand the stress, worry, and pain, that Leeteuk has to go through. As I sit next to him in the waiting room, I see how the stress and all those years have affected him. Not just the way he looks, but through his body language especially. He slouches in his chair, but he tries his hardest to hide the pain. We all do. But with him, he had to stay strong. He had to force a smile on his face, even if he was going through the worst times in his life. And it's all for us.

"You can go in now. But please make sure to stay quiet, he's still sleeping." the nurse informs us. Standing, we let her lead the way to hyung's room. When we arrive, we open the door slowly, and see him laying down with all kinds of wires and tubes connected to him. Seeing him like this makes me sick to my stomach. But because he's my hyung, I swallow my pride and decide to sit next to my big brother. He looks like he's in so much pain, even when he's sleeping. How could we let this happen? How could Teuk-hyung and I not even hear the shot? How is it that we didn't even know he was still in the house? It's because of Teukie-hyung and I. . . .no, it's not even because of him. It's all my fault.

"Hyung, I'm sorry."

Leeteuk looks up at me, asking what I was talking about.

"It's all my fault we're here. If I didn't suggest we play some video games, we would have been able to hear him. We could have been able to prevent this from happening to hyung, if it wasn't for me."

I hide my face away in shame, disappointed and disgusted in myself. I hate myself for doing this to Kangin-hyung. All he wanted, was for us to be there and support him, to make sure he wouldn't end up getting hurt. And that's exactly what happened.

"Kyuhyun, look at me. Now."

"Yes, hyung?"

"Don't you dare blame yourself for what happened. This is in no way your fault, understand me? If the other members ask what happened, I'll tell them that I was too tired to hear anything. But don't you ever blame yourself for this."

"Hyung, I can't let you do that! You can't blame yourself for anymore things already, I'm tired of seeing you like this! Why do you always blame yourself!?"

"Both of you just shut up! I'm trying to sleep, and you guys are making this worse!"

Youngwoon. . . .you're up. We're sorry, we didn't mean to wake you."

"Kangin-hyung, how are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'll live."

"Hyung, Teukie-hyung and I have something to say to you."

"No, I want to tell you two something first. Can I do that, please?"

We both nod our heads, and lean back in our chairs, preparing ourselves for what he was about to say.

"I want you two to know, that it's okay for you to not fully understand my predicament and my disease. Don't be scared of me though. That's probably all I ask of you, as well as the rest of the boys. Please don't be afraid of me, because once our relationship takes that turn, I don't know if I'll be able to live with myself anymore. Please, Kyuhyun, Leeteuk. I'm begging you. It's okay if you don't know what to do, just as long as you guys will be there for me by my side in my worst times, that's all I'm asking."

We look at each other. I grab his right hand, Leeteuk grabs his left. We both look at Kangin and squeeze for support.

"Super Junior is one, forever. No matter what, Kangin, we will stay glued to your side. Especially in your darkest times. We all love you, and we missed you so much. Please know that whenever you feel something is wrong, never ever hesitate to tell us. We'll support you until the very end."

Kangin-hyung looks up at us, and says with a smile, 

"I know."