Hi >< This is just the previous chapter that got deleted!

CHAPTER FIVE

From what I could see on my watch in the dim light, it was currently half past one in the morning. A slight shiver passed through my body as a light wind picked up and went through the fabric of my light hoodie. I snuggled deeper into the fabric, attempting to find more warmth when suddenly, a weight fell onto my shoulders.

New warmth enveloped me as a thicker jacket had been placed over my slender shoulders.

I blinked to the side and was greeted by Nichkhun’s smiling visage, ever bright even in the night.

“Thank you,” I said as I glanced at the thin long-sleeved shirt he was wearing and felt guilty for a moment.

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied sweetly, “And before you ask, I’m fine.”

I wasn’t surprised that he’d been able to read my mind – after all, we used to have times where we’d simply stare at each other for hours on end, trying to figure out what the other was thinking. I suppose connections such as that weren’t easily severed.

With the chill no longer bothering me, I was able to pay full attention to my foreign surroundings and even in the dark, was Seoul a comfortable place.

We were walking toward the Han River apparently, or at least, that’s what Nickhun had said. For all I knew, we could be walking toward a jail and I wouldn’t have known. But somehow, as always, there was never any menace when I was with him.

We stopped briefly at a red light, but Nichkhun soon walked when he saw that no cars were approaching. I was amazed at how comfortable he was with the system here as I still felt guilty for crossing without waiting for the light to change to green.

I quickly shook my head, blonde fringe falling over my eyes as I took a moment to observe Nichkhun from behind. He was only a few feet ahead of me, but somehow, I felt a great distance apparent between the two of us. Maybe it was simply my own imagination, or maybe it was because I felt that in five years, the distance had done more than keep us physically apart.

And I felt as though I’d never be-able to cross that distance, even as I tried to lengthen my strides.

- - - - -

The Han River was a peaceful place.

The river flowed almost soundlessly a few metres in front of me and from my view I couldn’t see how far the moonlight-illuminated water extended. I blinked in amazement at silvered stars the water reflected, as though it was the first time I’d ever seen such a marvel.

I snuck a glance behind my shoulder, only to be greeted by Nichkhun’s watchful gaze a few steps behind me. He leaned his muscular frame against a lamp-post, the pale light making him seem ghostly – almost unreal.

I was once again reminded of the distance that existed between the two of us.

I quickly returned my attention back to the water, trying to make out the current within the waters. But I was unable to see its passage and unable to make out its destination. I bit my bottom lip in frustration, feeling the flesh begin to sting between my teeth as I couldn’t help but feel as though the water represented me.

For a moment, I imagined myself back in China.

Yes, dear China, where I was comfortable.

Right now, I would probably be sleeping, but I would’ve had an eventful day. Well, eventful because little Luhan would’ve been walking by today, after all, he was only slightly unsteady on his feet the last time I saw him. Then, Zitao, hopefully he would’ve made friends with Yifan by now. He was a shy little boy, but he’d been opening up to Yifan lately and I’d seen them happily playing in the sandbox together. Hopefully Yifan would introduce Zitao to Luhan and Yixing as I was sure they’d make a grand bunch together.

A soft smile curved my lips as I thought of the job I’d left behind.

My mind then drifted to the simple, yet satisfying life I’d left behind. The flower lady had probably wondered why I hadn’t come to visit her today and the lady at the café had probably made my usual too.

A bittersweet pang enveloped me.

“Do you regret it?”

I was startled from my thoughts by the invasion of Nichkhun’s deep tone.

I spun on my heel to face him, eyes slightly widened as he stood on a foot away from me. His eyes bore into mine, his expression unreadable as he stood unmoving before me. I would’ve believed he was a statue had I not known the truth.

I was beginning to hate that he could read me so easily.

“Do you regret it?” he asked again, with a little more emotion and before I could part my lips to answer him, he spoke again.

“Do you regret allowing me in?” he dropped his voice to a husky whisper at this, eliciting a slight blush on my pale cheeks, “Do you regret following me here?” his voice returned to normal.

I opened my lips to speak, but I found that no sound would escape my constricted throat. I wanted so badly to deny his questions, but I was hesitating.

“But more importantly…” he paused as his eyes finally connected with mine, “Do you regret making that deal with me five years ago?”

Now I was truly rendered speechless.

A lone sigh left his lips as he backed away from me, “I wouldn’t blame you if you were. I’ve acted selfishly these past few days…” his voice trailed off, “And when we made this deal, you could almost say I took advantage of you.”

I frowned at his statement – I’d never thought of it like that.

“I mean, you were emotional that night after your break-up. You were searching for comfort and reassurance you know?” he then averted his eyes, “I think I took advantage of that.”

Somehow, I was able to clear my throat, “What do you mean?”

A bitter smile graced his lips, “I’ll let you in on a little secret Vic,” he spoke with an almost  melancholic twist to his tone, “I used to imagine my future when I was younger. I used to see myself as an engineer, a pilot and a businessman. All these things that would’ve made my parents happy.”

I wasn’t sure what kind of a reaction he wanted from me.

“But obviously, with thoughts of the future, we think of who we’ll be you know?” he looked at me directly and I felt obliged to nod.

“This is the part where it gets funny… I used to see myself with you.”

My eyes widened before I could stop them as I felt myself become paralyzed. I was unable to truly process what he saying.

“I can’t tell you in which way, which is the funny thing because I never really saw us being intimate in any way. But you were just always there. These little daydreams of mine continued for quite a while. Until one day… someone else joined our daydream.”

Suspense filled me as I began to piece two and two together.

“I saw a child.”

Everything began to slowly click into place as the realization dawned on me – Nichkhun had planned our deal for a long time. It was a spur of the moment thing as I’d previously thought.

An embarrassed chuckle left his lips as he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck – a nervous habit of his.

It must’ve taken a lot of courage for him to admit this to me and for a moment, I felt a sense of pride that he’d chosen me as an ideal in his daydreams, even though he had the world at his disposal.

I was part of his desire for a future.

“But life changed and I became an idol instead…” he spoke up, but forced himself to turn to me, “And in a world where everything is so fake and ever changing…” He tentatively met my eyes, “That dream never changed. That’s why I came back for you, why I almost… forced myself on you… because I wanted the dream to come true, but that was the only way I saw it happening. I wanted a secure hold on something real.”

“But I realize now that I can’t force you into my dream,” his eyes flickered away from mine for a moment before they boldly reconnected, “So, if you regret any of this and you want to leave… you’re free to go.”

His tone took on a bittersweet lacing, “You’re free to forget about this all.”

His words weighed me down and my mind instantly began racing with the possibility of returning to China and back to the life I’d known for five years. I would go back into my life of comfort and normalcy.

I’d go back into a life of waiting for Nichkhun, but this time, I wouldn’t have to wait. I could almost move on with my life.

A pang of dread clawed at my heart.

I didn’t want that.

My head moved on its own accord as I shook it in disagreement and kept it downcast, the blackened ground now interesting. But really, if I had to look into his face, I was afraid I wouldn’t be-able to speak.

“If…” I croaked out, surprising him, “If you’re willing… then I’m willing.”

His rapidly blinking doe eyes were enough of a motivation to continue, “For ten years, we did everything together and in all of that time, I never regretted anything. Not even that time I got so sick I had to go to the hospital after we went swimming in winter.” Somehow, a nostalgic smile crossed my lips at the fond memory.

Those were the only words I found myself able to utter and I hoped they were enough to convey my message. I slowly and purposefully lifted my head to meet his eye level. His eyes were still blinking, void of any emotion aside from shock as he processed my words.

A genuine smile broke out across his face.

“I will admit that right now, I don’t even know what to call this relationship we have,” I added, “But I don’t want to run away from it. We’ve always had a special connection and it’s always developed in the right direction… So I think we should see where this leads us,” I reassured him as my own smile began to stretch, “Besides, at least with you, I know my children will be good looking.”

A fully fledged grin beamed at me.

And then, a hand was extended toward me.

My own grin matched his as I grasped his hand without hesitation.

And with the touch of our hands, the gap was bridged.

However, I did not expect the sudden pull and within moments, I found myself crushed against Nichkhun’s chest as his lips found mine.

I was too shocked to respond and thus, he pulled away before I could gather myself.

“Sorry,” he cheekily whispered as his forehead touched mine.

I rolled my eyes at him as I regained my senses, “It’s ok,” I told him as I laid a palm upon his cheek, “But…” I trailed as my eyes briefly lit up for a moment.

And then, I leaned forward and connected our lips once again, on my own accord.

I wasn’t quite sure where my life was heading at this moment and I hadn’t ever expected my life to be quite so unpredictable, but I was looking forward to the adventure.