I woke up screaming hysterically on my bed. This same nightmare had haunted me many times before. Scrambling across the bed to switch on the bedside table lamp, I checked both my palms frantically. They were clean, free of blood, and adult-sized. Heaving a sigh of relief, I quickly walked over to the mirror that was in the corner of my room.

Staring back at me was a 15-years-old girl in purple PJs. She had the same black-brown eyes as the little girl in the dream, the same long, disheveled hair, and the same pale face that had a look of fear and shock. Just like the dream, I touched my face, and she touched hers.

The little girl in the dream, this girl in the mirror, it was all me. The nightmare was also not just a dream, it was a memory. It was the night where both my parents were mercilessly slaughtered. I, the instant orphan, was the only person lucky enough to have escaped the massacre.

At the thought of this, the tears that have gone down welled up again. I sank to the floor slowly and stared at my hands, those hands that were once stained with the blood of my family. Before long, tears started falling down, leaving dark spots on my cotton PJs where they landed. The tears soon grew to a steady stream, and my body was wrecked with compulsive sobs. I hugged my knees to my chest, trying to control the sobs that were escaping from my mouth, not wishing to wake up anybody in the house.

All of a sudden, loud anxious knocks rained against my room door. I scampered away from the door in shock, still jumpy from the nightmare. I watched as the person on the other side turned the handle a few times impatiently, trying to get the door opened. Then, more rapid knocks followed.

“Yonni! An Yonni! Open up! Ya! Are you all right?! Yonni!!!” a familiar voice came from the other side, accompanied by the turning of the doorknob. “Yonni!”

My mind was in a blank, and I could not recall who the owner of the voice was. The scene of the nightmare with the loud footsteps suddenly popped into my mind, and I was consumed by irrational fear. I backed all the way up into the wall, and sank down with sobs and tears, whilst staring at the door.

After a while, the knocking stopped, and everything was quiet. Only the sounds of my sobs remained. My mind was slowly regaining sanity, and I repeatedly reassured myself that the nightmare was over, the man would never ever get me, that I was safe. However, my tears were simply rebelling against me. The more I wanted to stop crying, the faster the tears flowed out.

Just then, the sound of a key being inserted into my door’s keyhole rang out. I froze, and stared at the door as it unlocked and burst open. Standing in the doorway was the person who had unlocked my door. Dressed in a red T-shirt and black sweatpants, he was tall, and sported longish black hair.

“Yonni! Are you…” he trailed off, staring at me as I just sat there against the wall with silent tears streaming down my face, “Aish…Did you have the nightmare again?” I simply stared at him, trying to remember who he is. However, my head was still confused from the nightmare. Even though I recognize his face, I could not remember his name.

The man shook his head and walked over to me. He reached down and pulled up onto my feet. He was a head taller than me thus he had to bend over a bit as he used his thumbs to wipe away my tears. Then he gave me a warm embrace, my head while comforting me.

“Okay, hush hush… It is okay now. That was just a dream. Don’t be afraid… I’m here for you okay?” he said soothingly. I just buried my face further into his shoulders and cried harder. Even though the nightmare was a common occurrence, it still freaked me out every single time.

Suddenly, another voice popped up into the room, “Is everything okay?”

I turned my head towards the door, and there was another person there. This guy was almost the same height as the first, and was wearing black PJs. I also recognize him, but cannot remember his name as well. My brain was probably still stunned from the nightmare.

“Kyuhyun ah, get Yonni some water.” The guy holding me told the other guy.

Kyuhyun? I knew that name. I watched as Kyuhyun nodded and exited the room. Then I turned to look at the first guy. I remember him now, the name ‘Kyuhyun’ seemed to have sparked up my brain activity, causing it to function properly.

“Heechul?” I asked softly. He looked down at me, and gave me a smile. I looked around the room slowly, trying to sort out my brain to differentiate where I was now. Heechul led me over to my bed and made me sit down.

“Yonni ah, did you have the nightmare again?”

I nodded slightly, clenching my fists, willing the tears that are threatening to fall to go away. “I’m… I’m fine now. I… I was just confused from the dream,” I replied, looking up to give him a tight smile. It was more like reassurance to myself.

He shook his head and squatted down to face me, “Are you saying that to me, or yourself?” Damn it, he knew me too well. I did not reply him, and just looked back down at my hands, “They’re clean right?”

“Huh? What’s clean?”

“My hands, they’re clean right?”

Heechul sighed. It was a routine he knew too well. “Yes, they are clean.”

“Good,” I whispered, “Good…”

Just then, Kyuhyun came back into my room with a glass of water. He walked over and passed the glass to me. I thanked him and gulped down the whole glass of water in one breath. Kyuhyun then took the cup from me, and sat down on the bed as well. “Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded, “Kyuhyun ah, my hands are clean right?”

Kyuhyun threw me a puzzled look and stared at my hands. He then looked over to Heechul, who gave him a slight nod. “Your… Your hands?”

I stretched out both my hands in front of him, and repeated my question. “My hands, they are clean right?” He nodded slowly, side-glancing Heechul, who was shaking his head. “Good,” I heaved a sigh of relief. Awkward silence followed as all three of us just sat there without a word.

Then, I got onto my feet. “I’m fine now. I just had a nightmare. Again,” I gave a dry laugh and continued, “You two should get back to sleep, we still have to wake up early for school tomorrow.”

They looked at each other and Heechul said, “Are you sure? We can keep you…”

I interrupted him, “Yes, I want to go back to sleep now. Come on, get a move on!” I pulled Kyuhyun up from my bed and gave him a soft shove towards the door, “Shoo shoo!” Kyuhyun started moving out, throwing worried glances over his shoulders at me. I forced a smile and waved at him, “Goodnight Kyuhyun! Heechul ah, get going!”

“Aish… I know I know,” Heechul replied impatiently as he stood up and started walking towards the door. However, just as he reached the door, he turned and started saying, “Yonni ah, if you…” I cut him off with the same tight smile and wave, “Goodnight Heechul!” He shut his mouth and left with a shake of his head. I waited for him to turn away before closing the door gently. Heechul hates it when someone closes the door in his face, and I did not want to get a round of scoldings from him. The crying had tired me out, and I really wanted to get back into the bed.

Leaning against the door, I stared at my hands again. Every time I have this nightmare, I could not rid myself of the wet feeling of blood. I decided that I had to go to the washroom to wash my hands, or I would not be able to get any sleep for the rest of the night.

As I passed by Heechul’s room on my way to the washroom, the voices of him and Kyuhyun floated out behind the closed door. “Did she get that nightmare again?” Kyuhyun was asking Heechul. Heechul must have nodded at him, (I couldn’t see as the door was closed), for Kyuhyun continued on with the conversation.

“This is the 3^rd time this month; shouldn’t we seek help from someone?” Kyuhyun suggested.

“No, it doesn't help much. I brought her to a psychiatrist once. The doctor only prescribed her sleeping pills. She said it was post-trauma symptoms. Yonni had been having these nightmares as far back as I can remember,”

“Post-Trauma? What kind of trauma will cause her nightmares to be that scary? Heechul ah, Judging by her screams, it sounded as if she had seen something really scary,”

“I don’t know, she never wanted to talk about her nightmares. Every time I asked her about it, she would tell me that it was normal stuff. She won’t even tell me about the trauma that might have caused her this,”

“But I heard that frequent nightmares can be treated via hypnosis. Maybe we should try that? The nightmares are not doing well for Yonni. She looks so tired lately since the nightmares started. If the dreams don’t stop, she will fall sick soon,”

“Aish, she will be fine… The nightmares had stopped previously… I wondered why it came back again.”

“Exam-stress perhaps? Moreover, what’s up with the hands thing? Every time after these nightmares, she will ask about her hands. Maybe her trauma has something to do with her hands?”

“It has always been like that, it’s like a routine. She has a nightmare, she wakes up screaming, followed by crying, then after she has calmed down, she will ask if her hands are clean. Never changed, same order every time round,”

I stopped listening to them and continued walking towards the bathroom. I felt guilty having caused both of them to worry about me. With exams coming up, they already have enough trouble on their hands without having to worry about me.

After washing my hands about three times, vigorously with soap, the wet feeling of blood finally went away. Back in my bed, I was tired but could not fall asleep. The feeling of guilt I felt towards Kyuhyun and Heechul, the scary feeling of seeing my blood-covered parents, even the echoing footsteps in the dreams, everything was keeping me awake.

I got up from the bed and walked over to my study table. I had decorated the table with lots of photographs. I loved taking photographs and decorating my room with them. All my favourite people, my friends, my ‘family’, everyone was in the photos. The photos assure me that I was not alone, that I had many people who cared for me.

Picking up the oldest looking photo, I couldn’t help but smile as I the photo lovingly. In the picture were a gentle-looking woman with three little kids in front of her, two little boys and one little girl in the middle, who had black hair and black-brown eyes. Everyone had a beautiful smile on his or her face, and the three little kids had their arms around each other.

This was my ‘family’. The woman in the picture was Heechul’s mum, the three little kids were Heechul, his brother Ryeowook, and I. Looking at the photo, the past began to flood my mind. And I was brought back in my memories, back to the time after I was an orphan, when I was about 6 years-old.