The first time I saw a member at all, was in late December. It was Leeteuk, who hadn;t been told of our breaking, and had found out by mistake. He had begged the army to let his release a small video, and eventually they had complied. I rewatched that video so many times, I can still repeat it years on;
"Hello fans, family, friends. This is Park Jun-soo, also known as Leeteuk. I realize that many fans wonder what I think of recent events. It pains me to say that I have only just found out of the end of Super junior. To know my brothers do not live together anymore, do not speak together anymore and do not love together anymore - this is where he started crying - it hurts so much inside. It hurts even more to know that I am unable to do anything during my army service. All I want to do is take each member, tell him I love him and sort everything. I realize that does not happen, and will not. I have not heard from any members, so I do not know what they are doing, how they are, if they are happy. I can only hope they are and - then he cleared this throat here - that whatever they are doing makes them feel well. I hope you are healthy and that your papa loves you forever. This is Park Jun-soo, forever Super Junior Fighting." Then a quick bow, and the video stopped.

Christmas was hard without the members, as was new year. My parents had tried their very best to make is special for me, but I missed everything. I missed being woken up by Sungmin, dying to open his presents, preparing the Christmas feast, exchanging gifts with Shindong, who always bought something you didn't need, but he did, so you would let him keep it. I missed drinking with the members on the new year, talking about the good points and bad of the year, sharing lustful kisses at the clock struck 12, the kind that would make fans think we were all raging homouals. But this year, as the clock hit 12, I shared a brief hug with my parents, and headed to my room, to cry over my loss. I entered the new year in the very opposite of last year, with no job, no friends, no brothers, no hope and no dreams. I still didn't dare to turn on my phone, or look on any sites, I stayed entirely away from the internet, and only watched the news once I made my parents check it wasn't about us. I stayed with my parents, it was my only choice. On the rare occasions we went out, my father would shoo any reporters, and if I went out alone, I would hide behind my hat, headphones in, repeatedly saying "No comment." I didn't want to answer any questions, know any facts, confirm any rumors. I just wanted everything back to the way it was. I thought of the members every day, every minute. I wanted to talk to them, hug them, kiss them. get back to the way it was meant to be, yet deep in my heart, I think I knew it was impossible. The only member I didn't think of too often was Yesung, the only reason being that my heart couldn't bear it. Sungmin's birthday came,Kangin's birthday came,  Kyuhyun's birthday came, Hangeng's birthday came and so did Siwon's. And as Eunhyuk's came closer, fate brought me a gift. I was shopping in a lowkey shopping mall, hiding under my scarf and shades, headphones blaring the Backstreet Boys, 'Shape of my heart' into my ear drums, when a man accidently hit me with his shopping cart. He had been looking at his phone, and he hit me directly in the stomach. I yelped in pain, falling to the floor. "," he said. "I'm so sorry, are you alr- Wookie?" He stopped. I opened my eyes, and there he was, His short dark hair, thin figure, soft face; Donghae. "Hae.." I whispered, still lying on the floor. Realizing that people were watching us stare at each other in awe, I quickly rose to my feet, before people recognized me. We stood uncomfortably together, unsure of what to say. "Ho-how are you?" I forced out, stuttering. "Better." was all that was replied. "Me too." I agreed. A few more uncomfortable seconds passed, and I forced myself to make conversation with my brother. "What ha-have you been doing since... well.. y'know?" I asked, unable to actually mention the break-up aloud. "Nothing much, Eunhyuk and I moved in with my mum for a while, well we're actually still there.." he mumbled, before asking about you. "I went to my parents too, there wasn't anywhere else." I shifted on my feet uncomfortably. and started staring at a cereal box for a cereal called "Pirate ships", but Donghae interrupted me. "Oh. I texted you, when we woke and you weren't there, but I never got any reply.." "I haven't had my phone on in months, it's too difficult." I forced out, and i started nibbling at my nails. More uncomfortably seconds passed. "Well," Donghae started, and what he said next, confirmed everything. "Bye." and he shifted on his feet, and slowly pushed his cart away. The tears rose in my eyes as I realized that we were over forever. 

I left my shopping where it was, and rushed out. I ran home, not caring that people watched me, a sweaty, crying man running past them. As I returned home, I cried into my mother's arms, while she comforted me to the best of my ability. I fell asleep in her arms. I hadn;t done that since I was 5 years old, and it was the best night sleep of my life, well the best night since I had had Yesung sleeping next to me. That next morning, when i woke up, I made a desicion. It was going to be difficult, and emotional, but I had to do it if I was going to get better. I turned my mobile on, went onto the internet, searched up articles about my brothers, read my texts. Articles spoke of fans crying, making petitions, writing fan fiction - whatever that is - texts were mainly from management, first asking where I was, threatening me with being sued, and finally saying that all things were to be dropped and they would just leave me on my own. Indeed there were a few from members, but not huge amounts, I hadn't been text by a member since January, 3 whole months before. And late that night, i switched on the TV, without my parents checking first, and I saw that the next evening at 8:30pm, there was a hugely anticipated show on. And it scared me. The show you ask? "Yesung: Super Junior's secrets."