Chapter 9

 

 

In author’s POV

 

 

Junsu tried calling Yoochan but he couldn’t contact the latter. He kept searching for Yoochan everywhere. The practice room, record room, gym and almost everywhere.

 

Chun, I’m sorry…

 

Junsu was tired but he remembered the only place he hasn’t checked yet. The place where he and Yoochan shared their first kiss, the bench.

 

Junsu gathered all his strength and ran there. He saw Yoochan’s figure sitting on the bench. His shoulders were shaking, enough to prove Junsu that Yoochan’s crying.

 

“Yoochan?”

 

Yoochan didn’t answer, Junsu kneeled next to him to match the height and cupped Yoochan’s face. This is the first time him witnessing the crying Yoochan, it hurt Junsu, a lot.

 

“Yoochan..please don’t cry.” He himself was crying at the moment.

 

“I’m sorry Su.” Yoochan’s voice was a whisper.

 

“why are you apologizing?” he tried to wipe away the tears from Yoochan’s face but many followed.

 

“I don’t wanna lose you but I’m hurting you, and I don’t wa…” Junsu cut the elder boys words with a kiss. This kiss was different than the kisses they shared, of course there were passion but it was mixed with sadness too.

 

“I love you.. I love only you” Junsu said the words staring at his lovers eyes.

 

“but Changmin…” Junsu pulled him into another kiss. This time it was fierce.

 

“there’s only me and you.. okay..” Junsu said as he broke the kiss earning a nod from Yoochan.

 

“you and me”

 

Even though Junsu said those words, he didn’t felt soo sure. He didn’t like Yoochan’s silence.. it was like Yoochan didn’t trust his words… why is Chun so hesitant to kiss him...??? 

 

And no matter how much it hurts Junsu couldn’t do anything about it…

 

 

 

In Junsu’s POV

 

“I dunno how to face Changmin” I said as I play with Yoochan’s fingers. We were still sitting on our bench.

 

“I feel guilty” Yoochan sighed.

 

Actually I feel more guilty here.

 

 

“you didn’t do anything wrong”

 

“I came between you and Minnie”

 

“we are just friends” Oh Junsu, you are lying.

 

“yeah, only you think like that. Minnie loves you.” He sighed again, “let’s go” he stood up and offered his hand.

 

“I can’t”  I really can’t go.

 

“we have to talk with him”

 

“I can’t. I don’t want to go back to the dorm”

 

I couldn’t go there. I didn’t want to go there. I was afraid, not to face Changmin. I was scared of my own feelings.

 

Yoochan let go of a big sigh before talking again.

 

“Junsu I think it’s better to have a break.. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone”

 

“what do you mean…?” my voice broke as he said those words.. is he asking for a break up…?

 

“I think it’s my fault that your hurting like this… and Changmin’s hurting too..” Yoochan sighed and continued.

 

“I came to you guys perfect life… if it wasn’t for me you and Changmin will be happy like those days…”

 

“but…”

 

“no, look Junsu… I love you… I have no doubt about it but.. I sometimes feel like that I did wrong by rushing you into a relationship…”

 

“you didn’t…”

 

“I did Junsu, I did… that’s why I feel guilty.. you were all happy before you met me… you had a perfect life, filled with all happy moments but now… you and Changmin are both crying because of me… I shouldn’t have confess to you back then”

 

“Chun stop it..” I said in a weak voice but he didn’t stop…

 

“I shouldn’t have loved you… I just ruined it all…”

 

“you are telling me that you don’t want me anymore..?”

 

“Junsu…”

 

“Just answer me… you don’t want me??” I sobbed harder… why does it hurt this much… why does it feel like I can’t breathe anymore..??

 

“Junsu it’s not like that….”

 

“just answer me… I wont bother you anymore if you don’t want me in your life.”

 

“Su please…”

 

“you don’t want me right…if you have loved me a bit you wouldn’t say that you shouldn’t have loved me… ”

 

He didn’t answer.. I dunno what to do…

 

I got up and turned back to him…  

 

It hasn’t been a week since we confess to eachother and now he’s saying that he regret for loving me. I mean, if he really did love me, he wouldn’t ask for a break up, if he really loved me, he would not let me go like this.. shouldn’t he be fighting for me, rather than letting me go like this.

 

 

He didn’t even answer when I asked him if he still want me in his life… am I that unworthy…

 

 

How foolishly I let this guy to own my heart, I gave him all my heart only to get it broken and crushed...

 

 

taking slow steps I start walking to my dorm… I thought Yoochan will come and stop me from getting away from him.. but he didn’t… even though I turned around couple of times to look at him, he didn’t even bother to give me a glance.

 

 

 

I need my monkey… I want to cry….

 

Minutes later I was in Eunhyuk’s room crying in his arms, and Donghae’s.

 

And I wished Changmin was here too.

 

 

 

 

 

few weeks later... 

 

 

Things got more awkward between us after that incident, awkward doesn’t even cover it… Yoochan didn’t talk with me even though I tried to get his attention few times… and I did everything to get away from Changmin.. I wasn’t ready to face him yet.

 

I spent more and more time with Eunhyuk and Donghae, I literally moved into his dorm. I slept over, ate with them and did all my best to hide from Yoochan and Changmin. It felt like the days I tried to escape from Yoochan after the embarrassing incident happened in our first meeting.  

 

It has been a week and I have successfully managed to not to meet up with Yoochan or Changmin. I wont lie saying it didn’t hurt to be away from Yoochan, I cried every night hugging Eunhyuk and telling that Yoochan didn’t want me, he was my first love after all, but to my surprise I was missing Changmin more and more. I couldn’t understand why though.

 

I was helping Donghae with his English lessons (more like arguing with him) as Eunhyuk’s phone rang. He groaned and get up from the bed to answer it.. I noticed him checking the caller ID before answering it. Hesitatingly he brought it to his ears.

 

“mmm… ok…” he answered abruptly. And snapped it off.

 

“duckbutt…” he used that annoying nick name again.

 

“mmm…”

 

“I need to take Donghae somewhere.. Leeteuk hyung wanna talk to us.. can you handle being alone here?” he asked me, concerned.

 

“m not a kid… just go…” I closed the book and stretched out on bed.

 

Ahh, I miss my own bed…

 

“ok then…” he pulled Donghae to his feet and rushed out. 

 

 I stared at the ceiling, not knowing what to do until those two comes back. Yawning, I hugged a pillow hoping to get some sleep as I heard the door creaked open.

 

“yah, aren’t you gonna go” I shouted only to find Changmin by the door.

 

“oh” he was surprised by my sudden outburst and I was surprise to see him here.

 

“what you doing here..?” I asked coldly. He just smiled, I was having Déjà vu. I remember the very same scene happened before.  But he wasn’t carrying any card this time.

 

“can I come in?”

 

“you are already in… why bother to ask…” I moved to the left side of the bed, so that he could sit on the right side.

 

“umm…” he scratched his head, trying to find what to say.

 

“just sit Changmin..” a big smile inched out on his face as he took the room next to me. he was leaning against the head board now and I was lying down the bed still hugging the pillow.

 

“I understand you are mad at me… but..”

 

“geez I don’t wanna talk about it…”

 

“shut up and listen idiot… I just wanna say m sorry..” he poked my shoulder.

 

“ok..”

 

“so you are not mad at me for kissing you that day…” he asked hesitatingly.

 

I thought about it for a minute.. was I really mad at him for kissing me that time… I was more mad at myself that day… and heartbroken too… but I wasn’t mad at Minnie.. I was certain about it.. and no matter how hard I try, I cant stay mad at Changmin..

 

“no I guess..” I answered finally.. I felt more sure about it as I stated the words.

 

“it’s ok if you are mad… I know I did something wrong..”

 

“I told you I’m not mad…”

 

“and I’ll accept any punishment you are planning to give me but please Junsu, don’t ignore me like this.”

 

“m not ignoring you”

 

“yeah right ignoring I can handle… you are just completely acting like m not even here… don’t do this please…”

 

“Changmin…” I moved closer to him and rest my head on his lap. He started raking his fingers through my hair.

 

“I’m really not mad at you… it’s not like I haven’t kissed a guy before…”

 

“so ummm… you have kissed anyone other than Yoochan..” he hesitate a bit before saying Yoochan’s name. and some kind of a painful shiver ran through my body as I heard the name.

 

 “I lived with Hyukjae… ofcourse we kissed”

 

i kissed Yoochan too.

 

“Suie ah…”

 

“mmm…”

 

“I know you don’t have any space for me in your heart but… cant I just give a try… one chance Su…” he stopped my hair. Knowing if I opened my eyes, they would meet with Changmin’s face, I kept them shut. It was harder than I thought, tears were trying to break through my closed eyes.

 

“I know I’m nothing but a friend to you… Junsu ah… just one try Junsu, just one…”

 

“Minnie…” I turned to his side and hid my face in his tummy, damping his shirt with my tears.

 

I don’t wanna love… I don’t wanna get hurt…

 

“I tried to stay away from you Junsu… from the very moment my heart said that I shouldn’t have these feelings, I tried to stay away… I thought my heart do this crazy dance when I see you… I thought it was just because we are friends.. but it was only you who can make my heart flutter like this Junsu… I was scared first… but when Yoochan stepped in…”

 

I sobbed in his embrace as he said Yoochan’s name…

 

“I thought it will be a good opportunity to sort out my feelings for you… i thought it was friendship what I feel towards you Junsu but that day when Yoochan carry you in his arms… you were shirtless and mumbling his name….that’s…that’s when I realize that what my heart asks from you is something more than a friendship…”

 

Changmin was crying too..

 

“I was afraid of losing you Junsu… I couldn’t sleep that day… you even said his name in your sleep Junsu.. and Yoochan was smiling, you both looked soo happy.. and I….”

 

He stopped talking… lifting my head from his embrace I noticed that Changmin was biting his lips. His eyes were pouring tears and the very sight made my heart burn in pain.

 

“Changmin ah…” I caress his face, trying to brush off his tears.

 

“I know you are my hyung… I know what I’m doing is wrong…, I know you don’t love me like I love you but… I cant let you go Junsu… I love you too much that I would rather kill myself than letting you go…”

 

He said the words in a soft voice, like he was whispering them..

 

 

Yoochun and Changmin.. one lets me go and one hold onto me stubbornly.

 

 

I cuddled more into him and relaxed as I felt his arms wrapping around me protectively, pulling us both to lie on the bed, as he embraces me with his body.

 

“just one chance Junsu…”

 

“only one… let me try, if it doesn’t work, break up with me, go back to him, I wont stop you…but don’t tell me to let you go like this without even trying…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A/N - i might edit this again... <3 tell me what you think... ^^

 

BTW can someone help me with my grammar??? can you point out my mistakes and send me a message..

 

*passes you YooSu *