August 5^th, 2007

Dear Diary,

Since this is your first page and my first entry, I should introduce myself…. but I won’t. This is why:

OMG! I AM SO EXCITED. GUESS WHAT? AFTER MONTHS OF SWEATING MY GUTS OUT, I HAVE FINALLY DEBUTED WITH SNSD! THE EIGHT OTHER GIRLS WHO DEBUTED WITH ME ARE SO TOTALLY AWESOME, I’M JEALOUS. BUT, TIFANNY TRYS TOO HARD AND JESSICA IS KINDA REALLY RUDE. (Apologizes to my unnies in my head) ANYWAY…I SHOULD BE REALLY TIRED, BUT THIS ADRENALINE RUSH IS TOTALLY TAKING OVER. AISH, THE STYLISH UNNIE IS CALLING. I THINK THAT’S STUPID BECAUSE WE JUST FINISHED OUR DEBUT STAGE AND I REALLY DON’T WANT ANYMORE MAKE-UP. SORRY FOR THE RUSHED WRITING. I’LL TRY BETTER NEXT TIME.

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

September 19^th, 2007

Dear Diary,

I am beyond sorry. I planned on writing in you almost everyday, but I failed miserably. I haven’t written a new entry for over a month, and I JUST GOT YOU. Well, it’s not my fault entirely. All of us have been working our butts off, and we just finished an eighteen-hour dance practice. I am dead tired, but I still am here, aren’t I? Too bad I get three hours of sleep before another schedule. See you soon, hopefully.

Love from,

Sooyoung

January 29^th, 2008

Dear Diary,

Shoot me; I’m a terrible person. I thought I could keep my promise to you and myself by updating regularly, but it have become quite evident to me that I have zilch amount of time to myself. Life has been really hectic. I honestly think that as of now, SNSD isn’t as popular as it could be. Hopefully, the album we’re working on right now will have more success. Let me tell you a secret, we’re basically cheating the public with the album. It’s our debut album, just repackaged with a few new songs. Anyway, I’m having a lot of fun with life. Hard work does pay off.

Tell you what, I promise you that I’ll update right before our comeback~

Love from,

Sooyoung

February 10^th, 2009

This entry doesn’t count towards my last promise. I just wanted to say that today is my 18^th birthday and I spent the day like a sweaty cow. Basically, my birthday present was getting off practice 30 minutes before the rest of GG. It’s not really a present considering that the girls will be bi tching at me about this later. But, I’m not complaining. I’m on the road to becoming a rising star. So, life’s good.

Love from,

Sooyoung

April 17^th, 2009

I’ll never make you a promise again. Not only do I disappoint you every time, I feel like I’m losing hope in myself, probably because you are a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. I am letting myself down. I won’t even bother telling you about our comeback, it wasn’t that great.

However, didn’t I promise to introduce myself a while back? Here, I’ll finally fulfill it.

Hi, my name is Choi Sooyoung. I am 18 years old. I love food. I am currently a member, the tallest, of SNSD a.k.a Girl’s Generation.  I am a supporting vocalist and the lead dancer. I find this pretty ironic. I always hated dancing, and actually had my first debut as a main vocal in Japan. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I stayed there and things had worked out.

That’s all I can really tell. The interesting points of my life so far, the things worth telling. I’m hungry. I’m going to go eat. You probably won’t hear from me for months, because I am such a lame . I can already smell the kimchi.

Love from,

Sooyoung.

January 14^th, 2010

Don’t be too mad. You must have expected this. I did warn you. Ha, this is probably the longest I’ve gone without saying something to you. A lot has happened since. We participated in our first SMTOWN concert. It was a lot of fun. The number of fans who attended this concert is probably twice the amount of fans that came to our solo concerts combined. It was probably thanks to Super Junior Senior and SHINee Senior. (Yes, I know, technically SNSD is senior to SHINee, but I feel like the boys are more…mature?) Anyway, if we had that concert a few months later, I guarantee a hell of a lot more people would’ve shown up.

Yup, finally SNSD has become super popular. Dreams to come true! I wish I had promised you that, at least it happened. It’s all thanks to GEE. Honestly, I absolutely hate that song. I freaked when the company chose this as our title track, no I became hysterical. The song makes no sense to me. And the music video, it’s like having a unicorn puke rainbow vomit on you. I was like ‘kill me now.’

Don’t say it’s because I’m jealous. Well, maybe I’d have liked the song a little better if I had gotten more than two lines. But that’s not the point. The point, I just hate the girly and sunshiny concept. I was hoping for something dark and edgy.

But who am I to complain? It’s given us so much popularity, I can’t even-

Love from,

Shikshin (I’ll explain later, promise!)

March 16^th, 2010

Maybe someday, I’ll have a life. Maybe someday, I’ll have the time to update you more often. Sorry for the crap handwriting, I only have a fifteen-minute car ride to relax my muscles.

Remember that dark and edgy concept I wanted, like a year ago? Yeah, well say hello to “Run, Devil, Run.” Another song that makes absolutely no sense to me, but at least the concept is what I wanted…. a year ago.

Anyways,

I actually kind of like dancing now. The RDR dance is pretty intense. But, girl dances are nothing compared to boy dances. Oh God, when Beast released their MV for their comeback a few days ago, I died of embarrassment. God, we have been practicing our RDR dance since the end of the Gee promotions, and we are nothing compared to them. Here’s another secret, SMENT is responsible for leaking out Beast’s MV. I overheard some managers talking about it. I guess they wanted to see what we were up against.

Okay, so basically, my arm is falling off from exhaustion. We officially start our comeback tomorrow. And I really can’t write anymore.

Another promise broken, I’ll tell you about the whole Shikshin stuff next time. See you in a year, most likely.

Love from,

Soo Tired, LOL.

October 21^st, 2010

We are in the midst of promoting our new Japanese single and a new mini album in Korea. I feel sick. I told them I was going to the bathroom, that I felt like vomiting. But nothing’s happening, so I’ll just vomit my words into you.

Since we started promoting in Japan, I kind of feel that I would have been better off staying here after my first debut. I don’t feel like I’m getting all the exposure I could have. No one really seems to notice the lesser SNSD members. It’s always “YoonA this!” “Jessica that!” “Yuri, oh my god!”

Me, along with Hyoyeon and Seohyun are just…. there. Sometimes, there is the occasional SONE, who bias happens to be one of us. But it’s so rare. It’s kind of depressing. The three of us try much harder than the populars, but guess what, not only do we rarely get the attention from the fans, we also get barely enough from the company to pay for a burger. Sometimes I feel like leaving and going to college, getting a real job or something, but thanks to the contract, I’m stuck.

Oh yeah, Shikshin? It’s just because the public thinks I eat a lot and never get fat. I used to be able to do that. It’s funny, because I now only eat a lot in front of the camera…. and then I throw it up. There is so much pressure to be the skinniest. It makes me sick, both literally and figuratively.

Love from,

Sooyoung

March 19^th 2011

I’m taking Shikshin to the next level. Somehow it got leaked out that SNSD was eating so little, only 1500kcal a day (which is an exaggeration to how much we actually eat). Obviously, we were able to brush of the “rumors” by saying we eat that much in only one meal. I don’t know how the public believes this bull. If they actually took the numbers we gave them into account, we should be humongous fat asses. Anyway, now SM is making me eat twice as much as I used to in public, which means that I throw up as much as I want to. I really would be able to like to actually digest a meal.

But SMENT is treating the lesser members like slaves.

Love from,

Sad young

August 30^th, 2011

I was in a car accident two days ago. I have a month off from SNSD and can actually eat what I want because I’m going to be at home and not under the care of Slave Murder Entertainment!

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

November 23^rd, 2011

I think that I’ll be able to update a little more often now, but only for couple months.

We have just finished “The Boys” promotions. Another really stupid song, but is has brought up our popularity like never before.

I hope I haven’t been sounding ungrateful in my past posts. Don’t get me wrong; I love my career and my sisters as much as I possibly could. I have just realized that, this is not the life I wanted. The party is over. Life goes on.

But not for much longer for me anyways.

I just came back from the CEO to bring an end to my contract. I finally found a loophole, but it’s not a good one.

Yesterday, I got really sick and was sent to the hospital. It was there when I found out that I have a very advanced and very severe case of blood cancer. Lymphoma to be exact. It turns out that I developed this around the time of debut.

This is enough to make my contract null and void.

Now, I just have to stay with SNSD until mid-May of next year. Then I will be free to spend the rest of the little life I have left freely.

But I’m dying, so naturally, I’m frightened out of my mind.

Love from,

Soo Young To Die

February 17^th, 2012.

I was wondering why I have to stay with the company until May when SNSD is not set to make a comeback until the end of this year.

I was wondering why I am forbidden to mention my cancer to my sisters.

And now I know why.

After researching about Lymphoma, I found out that the survival rate is around five years. I’ve had Lymphoma for almost five years.

I had my suspicions, and they were confirmed when I overheard our manager talking on the phone with the CEO.

They are hoping that I die during my time with SNSD to bring even more attention towards them. And with the added surprise from the ignorant SNSD members, it will look totally uncalled for.

But I will disappoint SMENT, as it has disappointed me.

My will to live past May has more power over me than this pathetic company.

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

March 29^th, 2012

I can see what the toll of cancer has done to me. I look very sick and have lost any sign of beauty.

But I’m still alive, so it’s all good.

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

May 22^nd, 2012.

See what did I tell you? I will hold on. Tomorrow is when we officially announce my honorable discharge from SNSD. The public will be notified that I have decided to make a career change after the “death of a beloved cousin knocked a sense of reality in me.”

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

May 24^th, 2012

Yesterday’s broadcast was a little strange.

I requested that if someone sees me out on the streets, they act like I’m a nobody. I also asked the SONEs to pretend that I never was part of the group. After I said this, Jessica made a joke that the reason I was leaving was because I was suddenly ugly.

It’s no surprise that my sisters noticed my appearance change. They too think that I’m just depressed because of my made-up cousins death. But Jessica seemed a little too rude to me, and it looked like I wasn’t the only one who thought that. After the broadcast, Taeyeon came up to me and told me that she won’t let Jessica get away with what she said. A bit later, Soohyun said the same thing.

I said my goodbyes back at the dorm. It was a little teary, but I felt like some wouldn't miss me, and those feeling are a bit reciprocated.

I am finally free. 

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

June 3^rd, 2012.

I am sitting on the cliffs that overlook the ocean. The warm sun is glowing on my back and the light breeze is blowing through my hair. Yes, I still have hair. I decided not to go through to chemo, my cancer is far too advanced and the chances that chemo will work is miniscule. Plus, I would rather not have to go through with the pain chemo brings.

Tomorrow, I will be admitted to the hospital. I wish I didn’t have to go. I’m dying, it’s inevitable. I make more sense to me spend my last days on Earth doing what I want to do, not confined in a tiny room and strapped to a bed in a hospital. But, by the law, all life is sacred and I must be sent to the hospital and have crap done to me and have the people who try to save my doomed life just make my death even more painful.

June 5^th, 2012.

The doctors are telling me not to worry, that everything is going to be fine. I laugh at their attempts to fool me. What do they take me for?

I know I’m dying and I’ve come to terms with that fact.

Love from,

Sooyoung <3

June 7^th, 2012.

My health is deteriorating. My time is up. I’m going to die. I feel like it’s going to happen in a week or two.

Today, I went back and read all my entries. I watched myself grow up, in a way. I wish I had actually put more feeling into the entries. I wish I could have used you as I had actually planned. But it’s not too late now.

I’m going to write a letter to my sisters in you and have it sent to them after I die.

This is a promise I can keep. I will start tomorrow. It’s time for my meds.

June 8^th, 2012

My dearest sisters,

I promised you that I would keep in touch. This is me keeping my promise.

Taeyeon,

You are a great leader and an even greater sister. I have always looked up on you, even though I’m taller. ^^ You are so strong and motherly and I can’t imagine where SNSD would be without you leading us. I am going to miss you so much, you don’t even know.

Jessica, Tiffany, Yuri and Yoona,

Please take no offense in me writing to the four of you at once. It’s just that I always thought of you as the same. If combined, you four would make a super girl, someone who is perfect at everything she does. This is why I always addressed you all with so much respect. This is why I was always jealous of you. May you four have much success in life, not that that’s a problem, considering you guys have so much already.

Sunny,

I feel like we were the least close out of all SNSD. I don’t even know your favorite color. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. You have an aura of awesomeness that honestly, none of us can match up to. And just for the record, I always found your aegyo beyond cute. It was never annoying to me.

Hyoyeon and Seohyun,

We were always the closest, weren’t we? We were considered the lesser of SNSD and we suffered with it, though we didn’t show it Hopefully, now that I’m out of the picture, you two will get more attention. You deserve it more than anyone.

Hyoyeon, I always wondered why I was the main dancer. When you dance, you clearly shine so much brighter then I do. It has befuddled my mind. Dear, never feel like your ugly. You are beautiful. Screw what everyone thinks. 

Seohyun, there are no words to describe you completely. You are innocent and dirty, kind and devious, and oh my god I love you more than anything. There is no one like you, so don’t be afraid to be proud of yourself.

Now that I have finished writing my individual remarks, I would like to tell you all something important.

I’m dead.

No, I’m here to complain. I’m here to tell you something important.

Don’t let the CEO have too much power over you.

I might be alive right now, if not for him. But, like I said, I’m not here to complain.

I want to tell you this so you don’t have to suffer what I suffered. Who knows, you might already be suffering

I had cancer since the time of our debut, and the CEO knew. But he didn’t do anything about it. I finally found out last November, this is the reason I’ve left. Not because my cousin died. My cousin didn’t even die, it was all made up.

Even knowing about my fragile health, the CEO forced crap upon. Do you remember that scandal when it was revealed that we were starving ourselves? Do you know what the CEO made me do? He made me eat greasy shi t in front of the camera and had our manager stand over me next to the toilet later and make sure that I vomited every bit out.

I don’t want this to happen to any of you.

This is not even the worst that has happened. The CEO is corrupt and cruel. He bribes, he steals, he cheats, and causes catastrophes on other companies.

I’m not telling you to leave SMENT; I’m just telling you to watch your delicate backs.

I love you all unconditionally

Love from,

Sooyoung <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

June 13^th, 2012.

I have finished the letter and have ripped it out of you. I’m sorry for hurting you by doing that. I just want the girls to read the letter before you.

Tonight, I am going into a surgery that determines whether or not I live. My family has forced me to do this.

If the surgery is successful, I will be free of cancer. If not, well, need I say?

This is my last attempt at life. Without the surgery, the doctors have determined that I will die in 48 hours.

The nurses and the anesthesiologist are here. They are being to administer the drug that will put me to sleep

The doctors explained the surgery to me. Whether or not I survive, I will be cancer free. They will drain my blood and then fill me with donor blood and then see what happens.  

My fate rests on my own shoulders, it's if I wake up or not.

I am starting to feel drowsy. I’m going to give you to the nurse so she can send you to my sisters.

Because I can promise you that I have no intention of waking up.