The night had empowered the day. The last rays of sunlight slipped across from the horizon. The sky lost its pinkish tint, just like my heart did. It had become the blackest black.

The clouds covered the sky, and it started to drizzle. Plip, plop, plip, plop.

I was driving, for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t my car, it belonged some ert who wasn’t thinking clearly when he handed over the keys. I should’ve felt bad for stealing it, but I had other things to worry about. My emotions were taking over my mind. I was so confused. I felt like a failure. I am a failure.

It’s my fault we ended up like this. I was a mother to the group? Ha. I was more like a stepmother who didn’t give two s h i ts about anyone but myself. How many times had I been called to the CEO and told to watch my act? I’d lost track. 

I the radio, and A Pink started blasting through the speakers. The world was calling them the new and improved SNSD. Poor girls, they don’t deserve to be called that. It’s an insult being compared to SNSD. I hoped they maintained prosperous and honest careers….

Trying to clear my head of the emotions, I turned the music louder and psychotically started shaking my head to the beat of their new hit song. I wasn’t handling this well at all. My head started throbbing, so I reached out to turn down the volume, convinced that if I concentrated on turning the knob slow enough, everything will disappear. Stupid me…

I didn’t hear the horns honking, nor did I see the car swerving. The only thing I saw was a big flash of light, then everything out.

I was in a white hallway with many doors. I decided to enter the third one to my left.

Suddenly, I was at the club, drink in hand, flirting with some dude, when my phone rang. It was Yuri.

“What?!”

“Unnie, Soohyun’s kitten was run over. She’s crying her eyes out. Please come home, she needs you.”

“Haha, why should I? The one day I get off this month, and you want me to help a big fat baby get over a stupid cat? Tell her to get a new one, there are plenty furballs on the street.”

“Unnie! How could you!?”, Yuri yelled back. But I didn’t hear her, I had already started making out with the guy I was drinking with.

A force pushed be back into the white hallway, this time I was shoved into another door.

The doorbell rang and I swore as I got up to go answer it. It was one of the SM secretaries.

“Taeyeon-shi, Jessica-shi just got a call from her mother. Her father had a heart attack and Jessica-shi needs to go the hospital, but she has a performance in an hour on SBS. The CEO said that he’ll let her go if you agree to take her place. If we leave now we can get there on time-“ The secretary sounded desperate, like her job depended on it.

“Are you crazy, women? It takes an hour and half for me to get ready. There is no way in hell I am going on stage without my hair and makeup done! And I had no time to rehearse! NO. Make Jessica do it. I don’t a crap.”

I slammed the door in the terrified secretary’s face.

And then I remembered that day. I had acted like such an . If I had gone instead, Jessica could have been with her father when he died…

Poor Jessica, she acted like it wasn’t my fault she wasn’t there, but I saw the sad look in her eyes when she looked at me for weeks after that. I’M SORRY JESSICA! I WAS A BI TCH! I DESERVE TO DIE!

And then I was back in the hallway, the intimidating doors were surrounding me once more.

I had to get find a way out. I ran in and out of doors, and each time I was thrown into a memory of me being an ultra bit ch. Memories where I should have been there for my sisters, my daughters in sense, and I was too selfish to care.

I relived the time when I told Hyoyeon that she was an ugly, talentless who ed her way into fame.

I relived the time when I told Sooyoung that her first love was too good for her and that he deserved better after he broke up with her.

I relived every ing moment.

I panted and stumbled as I reached for the last door, expecting the worst memory of all.

Water streamed down my face. I couldn’t tell if it was rain or my pitiful tears. Wait, when did it start to rain? Last time I checked, it was only drizzling. What the hell was I doing on the ground? I was soaked. I tried to open my eyes. They wouldn’t open. I was desperate to see. Was I still in a memory? I would pry my eyes open if I had to, but where were my hands? I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t feel anything. I squirmed, I couldn’t hear anything either, or smell any s h i t.

Finally, my eyes jerked open. I regained my senses and tried turning my head. I remembered. I was in an accident. The blinking lights were burning through my pupils and the sirens wailed. The paramedics were surrounding me, trying to ask me if I was okay. Somehow, I managed to block everything out.

My only focus was how badly I had treated the girls. I was supposed to act like a mother, but I was never there when they needed me. I spent more time getting wasted or in someone’s bed than with my sisters. How pathetic could I get? If I had been a better person, could I have stopped it from ending the way it did? Could SNSD actually be the happy family the world thought we were? Probably, it’s all my fault…

Suddenly, I started laughing. I knew I wasn’t going to live. It was a blessing from the heavens. I didn’t deserve to die. I deserved to live with this guilt for the rest of my worthless life!

I coughed out blood, starting to feel the pain from the accident and I was happier then I had ever been in my life. If I was lucky enough to die young, I should leave this world in the most painful way I could. I shouldn’t get a pain free death…

But then another thought invaded my ecstasy. If I died now, I would never have the chance to apologize to my sisters. I would never have the chance to get us back together. Now I was at conflict with myself. Should I fight to live, or surrender and die? The clarity and bliss that my first thought had given me had disappeared and the noises of the world were back.

I couldn't think, the sirens were too loud, the lights were too bright. I needed to go somewhere dark. I needed to concentrate. I knew I only had a few more minutes of life left.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I needed to stay away from the light, if I went into it, I would surely die before I had a chance to choose. So I headed for the dark. The light faded, as did my headache. I couldn’t sense anything anymore. That was good. Maybe a little further into the dark and the choice would be clear. After all, if I chose to die now, I could just run back to the light. I mean, isn’t that what they say in the movies? “Don’t go into the light!”

I made my decision, I was a boneless coward my whole life as celebrity. If I gave up, I wouldn’t be able to make things right. I needed to live. So with all my might, I ran as far away from the light as possible. I continued as it got darker and darker, striving for blackest black.

I kept going.

The leader of former girl-group SNSD, Kim Taeyeon, died last night, on spot in a car crash, despite many revival attempts. Several others were hospitalized. Authorities are still investigating the cause of the accident.