Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

Yunho was giving Jaejoong that startled expression again. He looked as if he couldn't understand the words coming out of his mouth, because he was speaking a diffrent language. He wasn't, he was just asking the real questions. But it didn't matter. Not really. Nothing did.

Jaejoong chuckled, shook his head and said, “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You can just...stay in the closet. I don't care. Not really."

"JJ."

"Don't call me that."

Yunho flushed and quickly looked away in shame. "Sorry," he muttered.

His reaction made Jaejoong feel warm, but he realized how ridiculous he was being. He was letting his emotions come through. He needed to remember how he promised to be calm and collected. "Whatever." He quickly collected himself. Running his fingers through his neatly pomade-hair, he said on a weary a sigh, "However, if you are here to make yourself feel better, Yunho, you can do that by just telling me why? Why?”

“Huh?” Yunho made eye contact again and frowned. “Why?”

“Why me? Why did Nathen and the rest of you hate me so much? Why torment me so much? For years. Years. Why?”

Yunho’s eyes grew dark. He down the rest of his water in one swing, head tilted back, Adam apple bobbing in its effort.

“I...do not know.” He said, sincerity swirled in his dark eyes.

“No. I refuse to accept that.”

“I…”

“You may not be able to speak on Nathen, but you can tell me about you. Why me?”

He looked so troubled and sick, Jaejoong thought he had finally done it and this man was about to pass out. However, he persevered and opened his mouth and answered. “I followed along because—I never hated you . I don’t hate you.”

Thoughts of A.aime flashed in Jaejoong’s head. He was so taken back by surprise, heat stole across his body: starting from the tip of his toes and zapping up his calves, buttocks, waltzing in his belly, before exploding in his chest and drying his throat, and stinging his ears. His eyes watered a little. His heart grew heavy and it hurt. For a brief moment, though. All for a brief moment of betraying weakness.

He shook his head. No. It could never be. 

Seeing the tremble in his hands, he dragged them to his lap. “You must have to have supported me being dehumanized like that for four years.”

“No, I—”

“You said it yourself; he is your best friend. You must know why.”

“I…I don’t. But, that doesn’t matter, though, Jaejoong.” He flinched at him saying his full name. “I always knew I should have stopped him. I wanted to. But     I didn’t, and for that I will never forgive myself.”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes. “Lord. Drop the act, Jung Yunho. Forgive yourself. I don’t care.” His voice rose. 

“Jaejoong.” He pleaded.

“The only thing that could make me feel…better about this whole situation is knowing ‘why.’”

“I… I do not even know if —” Yunho paused and exhaled. Saying in a weak voice, “Lilia.”

Lilia. Lilia Kim. One of Jaejoong's best friends. They met when she moved to their hometown when she was in the third grade. They became fast friends because they were in the same grade and had the same last name. 

“Lilia Kim?”

Yunho nodded.

“What about her?” Jaejoong heard a ringing in his left ear. 

Yunho’s lips thinned, his eyes skirted away nervously, and he shrugged. 

And Jaejoong remembered. Nathen had liked her and he had almost forced a kiss on her at a party. During their freshman year. No, the summer before their freshmen year. When she had still been doing cheerleading. That’s how she had ended up being invited and even willing herself to go to that party. A party that had been at…Yes, Yunho’s house. Nathen had been harassing her the whole party until he decided to push his will even further. She had slapped him. Rightfully so. That had hurt his ego. 

Jaejoong saw it all, and of course he had moved in to defend his friend. He had confronted him in front of all his friends and most of their small town’s middle school student body. He had accurately called Nathen a creepy, ual assaulter. 

That had been the first time he and Nathen had gotten into an altercation. Fortunately, the much bigger move had been restrained and Jaejoong’s friends, the two boys that made the rest of their small friend group, the original “three musketeers,” until Lilia had joined them, had slid in front of Jaejoong and Lilia. 

“That’s it?” Jaejoong asked softly, in shock. He knew Nathen hated him because he had made his disgusting behavior be known to everyone, but that had nothing to do with the constant vitriol he spewed because Jaejoong was proudly gay. 

“I am sorry. I ed up by suppressing my inner will to do the right thing. I should have stopped him. I wanted to, but I did not. And honestly, I know that is all that matters.”

Jaejoong was in a trance. He heard him far away.

“Hey.” 

He hated the fake tender, concerned thing Jung Yunho was impersonating.

“Stop.”

“I am sorry.”

“You are right,” he said, voice filled with venom. “You had a million chances to stop your monstrous friend from attacking me and brutalizing me over and over again, but you did not. And now you think a few beautiful sorrys and I will forget all that and keep your secret. I know that’s why you were so desperate to meet me and ‘apologize’!” he snapped.

Yunho’s eyes were wide and almost the same shade as his pupil and completely open. He looked panicked. “No.” Was his quick refusal, which was accompanied by a hard head shake. “Jaejoong, listen to me. Please?”

“Why? Yunho, what makes you different from your predatory friend?” 

Yunho blanched.

 “You think I am dumb? Dude, you practically came out to me. I know all your friends back home. You have an image to uphold, relationships to keep intact. It’s obvious you want to preserve those connections, because in all of those four years of high school, you never stood up and corrected Nathen or, I don’t know, Yunho! Stopped being his friend!” Jaejoong knew he had screamed and he needed to calm down

Yunho sighed, shoulders lowering an inch in defeat. “You are correct in your sessment of the situation, but not for my reason for being here. Please, believe me.” He bragged.

Jaejoong’ s blood was boiling now. His fingers itched. He wanted to break something. Hurt someone.

“I—” he paused. Jaejoong heard him swallowing nervously. 

“I—I’m not the same guy you knew in high school.”

“I didn’t know you.”

“Fair enough.” He took a loud, dramatic breath. “Being honest, yes: I am scared less at what you might do. But, I would never ask you to meet me and apologize as a ruse to get you to be quiet. I don’t even expect you to ever forgive me. I haven’t forgiven myself.”

Jaejoong refused to feel moved.

He linked his fingers. “I have come to terms with what I did. I was wrong. I will always be wrong. You do not have to forgive me. I know I should have stood up. Told them—him—to stop.” He paused and dramatically exhaled and inhaled. He looked pained. A muscle in his right cheek could not stop twitching.

Jaejoong quietly asked, finally truly feeling confused, “So, why are you here if not to try to keep me quiet?”

His eyes were clear and honest when he said, “Simple: I did not know it was you. And even though it’s you and we have a…our history, I still feel…I appreciated our friendship this past year.” He smiled softly. “It was all sincere and organic.”

His heart rate picking up again, his cheeks warming up, Jaejoong dropped his gaze. “It doesn’t matter, you know?”

“I know,” he said softly.

Jaejoong stupidly felt calmer. “This was an error.”

Yunho flinched. “No. It’s not. Thank you for coming.”

“Do you know how… how hurt I was — am?” Jaejoong hated how his voice shook and how his throat hurt.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t — it shouldn’t have been.”

“No, it shouldn’t have,” Jaejoong agreed, staring at the post behind Yunho’s head. “We can never be anything.” 

“Anything?”

Jaejoong gave him a challenging look when he said. Yunho instinctively leaned over  the table and said with such earnesty that he left Jaejoong speechless, “I would really like it if we could be friends.”

“Are you crazy?”

Yunho sighed, but he nodded cordially; looking defeated, he said, “I’m not saying you have to accept my apology, but I hope you know that it’s sincere.”

“Whatever,” Jaejoong muttered. 

Yunho slumped in his chair. “Okay. You’re right. Asking for friendship is too much.”

Jaejoong nodded with a stiff chin. 

“Still, thank you, you know? For meeting me.” Searching for Jaejoong’s gaze, holding it he asked, “If you do not mind me asking, why did you agree to meet with me?”

“W—why?” Jaejoong stuttered, his heart slamming against his rib cage. He hated that reaction, just as he hated the red stains on his cheeks. He felt as if he looked as guilty as he felt.

Yunho took in his expression, dark eyes curious. 

“I thought about it, you know? If you wanted to out me, you could have done it already; you’ve had all the opportunities in the world, yet…” His words dried out.

“I am not like you.” Jaejoong's voice emerged strained and tight. “I…I would never do that to someone. Never.”

Yunho nodded heavily, rubbing the space between his upper lip and nose. “I know.”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes, crossed his arm over his chest like a petulant child and looked away. 

“Then, why?”

Jaejoong frowned and sharply looked at Yunho. “Why what?”

“Meet with me?”

“I wanted answers?”

He arched one of his nice, thick, nicely shaped eyebrows. He had amazing hair, even the thick coat of hair that coated his arm. Jaejong blinked, realizing he was ogling Yunho. Jung Yunho.

No, he needed to focus on how he was sweating like a pig, which made sense, because why was he wearing so many layers and long sleeves? A sweater in May?

And he was just so hairy. Goodness!

Yunho was infuriating.

Staring Yunho straight in the eyes, he added, “About high school.”

“I see,” he said softly, rolling his right sleeve, then his left sleeve only to start rolling them up again. One at a time. His brachioradialis muscle flexed. He worked out, which was clear even under the million layers.

Jaejoong quickly looked away again, shame filling his cheeks. 

!

There ensued an awkward pause. Yunho continued on playing with his sleeves.

“Well, I know I can never repent, or take back what I did—honestly, I wished I could,” he finally said. He searched his face when he said that, gazing at Jaejoong from under his lashes. Again, he had a lot of those, too. Thick, dark, and curly. What the hell? Jaejoong haughtily looked away. 

“I...What I shared with you...I…” Yunho stammered, struggling to get a complete sentence out. “I hope you can find it in your heart to…I do not know what I can say without sounding like a heartless jerk.” His voice deepened then. Goosebumps rose on Jaejoong’s skin under his t-shirt. 

What was Yunho trying to say?

Jaejoong chuckled against his will. “You already do.”

Yunho blinked slowly at him, the thing an ostentatious display of male beauty. It added to Jaejoong’s aggravation. 

“I am not trying to—” Yunho paused and said, “Sorry?”

“Jerk. You already sound like a jerk.” Jaejoong leaned in. “Listen, I’m not interested in this pity party. I don’t know if you feel pity for me or I should feel pity for you.”

“I—” He ran his long, neat fingers through his fluffy hair. Head cocked, he said in a desperate voice, “I wished I had all the answers you needed; however, me? I just want your…” he stopped, laughed and bit his bottom lip. 

“My what?”

“Friendship.”

Jaejoong didn’t know why he felt so uncomfortable. Not even angry anymore, just…weird.

“Jaejoong I–”

Jaejoong stopped Yunho from talking.  

There was something inside him that he had been making sure did not come unwind, did not explode and shatter and fill him up, but it had and he couldn’t remain quiet any longer. 

“I don’t know why I decided to come here. Yeah, maybe I wanted to get “answers,” maybe I needed some stupid closure, or maybe I wanted to rub it in your face that you’re a ing walking closest stereotype. I don’t know.”—He shrugged, gaze direct and cold as ice—“But what I do know is that, I don’t want your pity. I don’t pity you. I don’t need your apologies. I haven’t and probably will never forgive you. We were never friends and will never be friends. I need to leave.”

Yunho shut down. “I know; you think I don’t know?” Jaejoong thought he would cry, but he didn’t break down, instead he continued with his melodramatic rant. “I regret it all, and I know me saying this won’t change anything for you. But, I just wanted you to hear me apologize.” His sincerity almost hurt. The intensity of his gaze made Jaejoong’s vibrato falter. 

Maybe a bit of A.aime lived within this guy, Jaejoong thought. His chest felt right. 

“Well, it didn’t.”

Yunho dropped his gaze and inhaled slowly and loudly. “, I’m sorry. About everything. About  Nathen.”

“Stop it,” Jaejoong said, wishing that this was over or had simply never started. “You’ve already said all of that.”

Yunho nodded. 

They sat silently for a few more seconds before Jaejoong daid, “Well, now I guess–” he looked around before he met Yunho’s eyes. “I guess we’re done.”

Yunho nodded, smiling. “Right. Umm…Yeah.”

None of them moved. It didn’t look like Yunho wanted to leave.

Jaejoong inhaled and then exhaled before he said, “Right.”

No one moved, and then finally Jaejoong said, “Thank you for…umm…setting this up.”

Yunho nodded. “No. Yeah. No problem.”

“Yeah. This was…Let’s just forget about this whole thing, okay?” Jaejoong said. He knew he should have stopped and left a long time ago.

Yunho sighed and dropped his gaze. Looking up, he said pointedly to Jaejoong. “Maybe I do not want you to.”

Jaejoong felt all the air knocked from his chest. And he couldn’t deny that he was attracted to Jung Yunho and he wanted something from Jaejoong. 

Jaejoong was too stunned to talk.

“I’ve seen to have silenced you?” He was smiling softly.

Jaejoong flinched, and he felt bile rising in his throat. “Yeah, no. I’m just thinking. Umm…Yeah, I have to go.” He stood up. This had been a much needed conversation, but it needed to end now. He had all the closure he needed, and before he did something stupid he couldn't take back, he needed to leave. Now.

“Jaejoong.” Yunho also stood up, his tone urgent.

“Yes,” he muttered, anxious. Jaejoong's heart was racing at a speed that was not conducive to his vertical position in the restaurant, he felt light headed and he not liking where their conversation had gone.

“Since I’ve found out that you are JJ86, I’ve regretted my life decisions so much.”

Jaejoong laughed against his will. He suddenly felt calm. “What?” He tried to cover his laugh.

“I have. I’ve thought this through thoroughly, and I’d really like it if we could try friendship.”

There he was again, asking for them to become friends. This felt like it was an admission that Yunho was still attracted to him even after finding out his real identity. While a tiny part of him rejoiced, a bigger part of him wanted to run away and he literally wanted to gag.

How dare he feel a light, bubbling feeling at the thought of Yunho being attracted to him? He bullied him in high school. No.

The idea of being with his former bully was outrageous, stuff of fiction. He could never grow to love and want Yunho without feeling guilty.

Even admitting that he was a good looking human being troubled him to his very core. He already had enough difficult feelings and guilt to work through, he did not want nor need to add to that.

“I am good.”

He couldn’t read Yunho’s expression.

“Ooh.” Yunho lowered his face and ran his knobbly fingers through his thick mane of hair. Hair that Jaejoong realized was not originally as dark brown as he had thought. The ends were a light chestnut brown. The small tendrils rested on his forehead.

The soccer player smiled. “You have every right to say no.”

. Jaejoong felt bad.

It was only what was proper and good in this situation. Anything more, and they would be entering the twilight zone.

“I’m sorry. I'm not trying to guilt trip you. I'm not a machiavellist."

"Huh?"

Yunho ignored his confusion and continued. "It’s just, you are the only person who knows I am...questioning.” He rolled an impossibly large shoulder.

There they were, standing by their table in the middle of a diner continuing a conversation that should have ended a long time ago.

“I thought you were coming out in uni?”

He gave Jaejoong a sheepish grin. “It is easier said than done.”

He was looking at him with so much hope in his dark, dead, eyes—still the only ing flaw on his otherwise spotless, gorgeously drawn face.

This guy, this insanely beautiful guy, was a monster. 

A monster who was trying to grow and do better, who had partaken in his torture not because he truly believed or supported the movement, but because he feared alienation. Yunho was a coward.

“I’m not going back in the closet,” he said abruptly. 

“Huh. I don’t want you to. I am out. Here. Just…not back home.”

Yes, Yunho was a coward, but human. Jaejoong could rationalize why he was holding back. Further, he didn't have to do a lot of guessing. Yunho, A.aime, himself told Jaejoong why he was apprehensive about coming out to his friends and family back home. And deep within Yunho was A.aime. The sweet, sincere, caring, beautiful human being that Jaejoong had formed such an intense bond with this past year and he missed that person so desperately. He missed their easy conversation. He missed the happiness he brought him. He missed his friendship. He missed him so much that his body literally hurt at the thought that he was not real. He did not like the days he did not get to talk to A.aime. A.aime had made the world worthwhile and beautiful.

They had something that was different from what he shared with Bryan and his friends back home. He had allow himself to fall in love with A.aime and have expectations. A.aime had been...Nothing.

He was all fake.

All make believe.

His former bully was pleading with him to be his friend and to support him as he tried to work through his internalized homophobia. He wanted to use him. After all, -he had put him through, he still had the heart to try to use him and guilt trip him into being his friend, his gay friend, because he was too scared to actually go out there and make the type of friends he supposedly wanted.

him.

Yunho wanted to have a grand university come out where Jaejoong supported him.

The irony of it all made him want to laugh and cry at the same time,

What a glorious paradox. Which neatly explain the emotional state he was in right now. He was a walking paradox  

Jaejoong needed to book an appointment with his therapist because of the emotional and mental scars this beautiful boy had and was still  inflicting on him.

As if far removed from his body, Jaejoong heard his mouth opening and the words “I’ll think about it” came out. The sound waves were large and carried slowly. It was as if he was under water.

Yunho looked startled, as if he didn’t expect Jaejoong to stop rejecting him.

“Than…Thank you! I’ll write and you can decide if you want to reply.”

Jaejoong shrugged, not trusting his voice. But he laughed, because this was all too funny. Them still standing and staring at each other in the middle of Lilly’s.

“Right. Can you unblock me?”

Jaejoong laughed. What the hell was he doing?

Biting his lip, he fixed his hair. “I’ll think about it.”

Yunho shrugged. The movement was graceful.He looked hopeful. He was bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “I’ll write to you on FaceBook while you think about it.”

Jaejoong felt his muscles freezing. What the hell is he doing? Other than making him impossibly uncomfortable.

Ooh, look how easy everything was for Jung Yunho. Always so sure.

Jaejoong simply shrugged again. “I’m going to go,” Jaejoong said, and he nodded at Yunho and headed for the payment-counter by the front door.

"Wait. I'll pay for your drink," Yunho said behind him.

Jaejoong stopped and turned and looked at Yunho. "No, I—"

Yunho gave him a smile that made him feel weird. This whole thing felt weird, especially when Yunho smiled and looked at him.

"I invited you. I'll pay."

He needed to escape. No arguing. "Sure. Thanks. Bye."

He ran out of the store, Yunho’s smile etched in his mind.