Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

Jaejoong tried to push thoughts of Yunho, A.aime—No, Yunho from his mind. He did not care anymore. At least he tried to tell himself. However, all he could think about was him, morning, evening, night; he was simply thankful he still had not managed to bump into Yunho. The campus was not that large now.

Bryan tried to cheer him up by getting him to focus on the trip the two and the rest of Jaejoong’s friends, including his sisters, were taking to Korea for the first week of  summer break. It was a long week trip to Korea that would also suffice as the road trip Jaejoong had been wanting to take since forever. He had been excited. No, he was excited. He was just distracted by all the horrible things that have been happening lately.

His bad luck would not last. That he could promise himself. He tried to also focus on the fun things he had to look forward to. Thinking about all the fun he was going to have drinking and hanging out with his friends—friends he hadn’t seen since he moved away for university—managed to take his mind off the worst part of his embarrassment. Exams being so near also helped. But nothing helped when he was alone, by himself, and thinking about his life and feeling sorry for himself.

A week away from his second semester away at university ending, needing a break from studying, he grabbed his phone. Staring at it, he wondered if he should re-download that wretched app, WeChat. Jaejoong had blocked Yunho on his phone and on the university app. He wanted nothing to do with Yunho moving forward. He couldn’t help the human nature of needing answers. He needed closure.

He felt electricity cackling under his skin, a current of a hundred watts running in his veins. He knew he shouldn't. He should close his phone, or exit from the webpage he was on, and go back to studying. Studying was important. His future success mattered. Getting closure did not. Plus, if Yunho was who he remembered, and he remembered those hellish years and those dark, dead eyes, he would not be getting any closure.

But he couldn’t help himself. He couldn't stop. It was as if he was outside of his body. As if he was possessed. 

I need to stop.

Slamming his phone on his desk, screen down, he took a deep, shuddering breath. “I need to stop. Closure is never necessary. I will be fine without it,” he muttered in an even-tone, his lips barely moving.

He was fine. No, he wasn’t. Not now, but he would be. Soon.

Jaejoong chose Facebook instead. He barely ever goes on that social media platform, however, he wanted to check up on his family back at home. The older crowd.

Grabbing his phone, he opened it and logged into the app. When it loaded and opened, his heart dropped and his sharp intake of breath hurt. Jung Yunho’s headshot in his inbox, his stomach twisted into a painful knot. He felt chills running down his spin.

He froze.

He could have sworn freshman year he blocked Yunho and all his friends from his social media. Even though, like magic, they still manage to find him and torment him online as they did in real life.

Alarm bells were going off loudly in his head, making his ears ring. 

Not trusting his eyes, he took a screenshot and sent it to Bryan, tagging a question mark afterwards.

His friend’s reply was swift. “Read it.”

He sat there staring at it for a few minutes, numb, but his head was also buzzing, and then he came to life, and felt his whole body burning. It was like the inside of his stomach was being lit on fire. He was burning.

His ears rang loudly, his eyes dropped and he noticed that his hands were shaking. No! He was going to delete the message. He was done punishing himself. And he was going to block Yunho from his facebook and all his other social media by being proactive.

Why was Yunho still targeting him? 

It had been three weeks since their ill-fated meeting, and he was still traumatized. The wounds were still fresh. 

Why did it feel as if he could not get away from that guy no matter how far he ran?

Deciding to go against his best judgment, taking deep, steadying breaths, his fingers trembling, he texted Bryan a quick response—Maybe.

Closing his phone and shoving it on the table surface face down, he tried to go back to his biology textbook. He needed to apply himself to his studies, not waste his time wondering what Yunho had sent him. He needed to focus on preparing for one of his hardest exams, which was in two days.

He tried to push the intrusive thoughts and images of Yunho’s name and picture in his inbox from his mind, but he did not succeed. He was curious. As was Bryan who was blowing up his phone.

Let me study! He texted his nosey friend.

Bryan who had no shame replied with: Right after you tell me what he told you.

Staring at the message, debating on his next course of action, Bryan wrote to him again, this time making his heart engaged in what felt like finishing a marathon in less than a millisecond: Hey, it took me a while, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and I've been meaning to bring it up: Yunho is in my biology class.

His mouth went dry.

Jaejoong realized how stupid he was for sending Bryan that screenshot. He will never live down this embarrassment. 

He had always made sure to not share Yunho’s real name with Bryan. Knowing his friend, he knew he would look him up. Jaejoong didn’t want that. He didn’t want nor need Bryan to know who Yunho was. It was not to protect Yunho, he did not deserve his protection, but because it felt like that way Yunho was not a part of his current, new reality. He was this specter of the past. This talked about thing, person, who did not have a face. Now that has changed. All because of a careless, thoughtless error.

Jaejoong was too stunned to write anything. 

A few seconds later, Bryan texted: What should I do?

Jaejoong gasped. His fingers quickly flew across the lot screen of his phone: Nothing!

His world felt astronomically smaller.

I am sorry to say this, but it’s not okay to just let him get away with it. We need to give him a piece of our mind. Well'll your mind!

Jaejoong was too shocked to respond. So, Bryan called. This conversation was not over. 

“Hello.”

“I'll respect whatever you choose to do, however— ”

“Then let it be, Bryan,” Jaejoong sighed into the receiver of his phone. He really couldn’t do this right now. He was just so tired. Too tired. 

After a moment of terse silence, Bryan sighed loudly, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything. This is not fair.”

“Life’s not fair. I’m going to delete his message and block him.”

“Wait! Jae, I think that—”

He interjected. “I don’t need closure.”

“No, that’s not what I was going to say.”

“Then what?”

“Maybe…Listen to me now. Maybe—just maybe—he has his reasons. There’s an explanation.”

“Like…I need to forgive him.”

Bryan heard the heat in Jaejoong’s voice. 

“No! Never. But…” he sighed. “I don’t know.  He just doesn’t—it’s just hard for me to reconcile the guy from my class with the guy that tormented you in high school.”

His lung twisted at the word tormented. 

Biting his lips, he ran his fingers through his messy, bed hair. Jaejoong whispered into the receiver, “You mean attractive.”

“I won’t lie. He’s okay looking. But you know me, I don’t care about looks. He’s...in class, he’s… I always thought he was just a kind, cute nerd.”

He scoffed. “Kind.”

“Well, now I know he’s not kind, but that’s just how I read him. I’m sorry.”

“He’s just not worth it.”

“Of course.”

“I don’t want to go back. I want to keep moving forward. I’ve done so much work on bettering myself. I’m not the little boy he knew in high school.”

“Yes. But what if he didn’t know it was you? What if this is not a practical joke?”

“Bullying is never a joke.” Jaejoong said darkly and bitterly. 

“Yes, that’s what I mean. What if he was genuine? What if he didn’t know it was you?”

“You mean…” Jaejoong spaced out for a few seconds before he came back to. Shaking his head, he abruptly shouted, “No!”

“Okay,” Bryan’s kind voice filtered through his phone’s speaker. Covering his mouth, Jaejoong tried to slow down his breathing. “I’m sorry. Hey, do you want me to come over?”

“No. I’m studying right now. It’s fine. Stop apologizing!”

“I know. But, before I let you go, I wished I didn’t feel as I feel. However, I say you look to see what he wrote.” 

Squeezing his thumb, Jaejoong inhaled slowly through his nose. “Yeah, I’ll…I can’t say I agree with you, but I’ll think about it.”

“Yeah?”

Massaging his forehead, he muttered, “Yeah.”

“Babe, I just want this chapter to be over with. I want you to stop second guessing yourself and feeling as you do.”

“And you think his message will do that?”

“Jaejoong, he wouldn’t reach out if…”

“He would. They’re evil.”

Bryan didn’t know half of the they put him through, and he never would. Jaejoong was still working through the nightmares. 

“Jaejoong, I really think Yunho’s gay. A closested gay— bi-curous, whatever he is! And, I believe his friends are all homophobic trash. He is not the one winning here, it is you! You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

His mouth filled with a sour, stale taste. 

He admitted in a rough voice. “I’ve thought about outing him, you know?”

“Jaejoong!”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “I’m not above it at all But that is not me.” It really was not him. He was better than that and refused to stoop to Yunho and his friend’s level. “That’s some Yunho would do. I refuse to be like that.”

But, he was only human. 

“That’s good, babe. You’re so much better than that.”

Jaejoong laughed. “No, I’m not. I’m only human, but…” He knew outing someone should never be a “thing.” A sentiment he had shared with Bryan during one of their many long heart-to-heart conversations. 

Bryan laughed. “You are, though, babe. You’re kind and simply amazing. You are,” he said firmly, not leaving room for disagreement.

“Okay, say you’re right about everything. Maybe he is reaching out because he is scared I might out him.”

“Maybe. But, it only proves all of this is real! All of this is true.”

He had thought that, but again, it was wishful thinking. It made him want things he knew he shouldn’t and which were not real. Aaime was not real. A.aime was Jung Yunho. Not this insanely sweet, intelligent, humorous, down to earth guy he had thought and wanted and wished he was.

A.aime was dead.

A.aime was never real. He never existed. It all had been a figment of his imagination. 

His emotional state heightened.

“We still do not know if he was not tricking me.”

“Have you heard or seen anything? Have your friends back home told you anything?”

He paused and swallowed thickly. “I haven’t told them...about any of this— yet.”

“I figured. Why are you hiding Yunho’s true identity?” Leave it to Bryan to do all the hard hitting. 

“I am not!” He was too defensive. How else was he to express himself?

 “Jaejoong, you have nothing to be nervous or embarrassed over, as I have been telling you! You met someone you thought was someone else, turns out he is not that person, and you have moved on.”

“It is better said than done. I am still embarrassed even though I know I do not need to be.”

“It was an honest mistake.”

“I know, but still.”

Why?” Bryan practically bellowed.

He heard his temper snapping. It was too thin lately.

“Of course you wouldn’t understand. You’ve never formed a relationship with your former bully and almost fell in love with him.”

“My former bullies have not been repressed, closested homophobes who have ended up, by mistake, befriending me online under an alias and agreeing to meet up with me thinking I was someone else, only to face the monster that they were in high school, but they still found the courage to approach me.”

“Wha—” He was flabbergasted. “Are you...sympathizing with Jung Yunho?”

“No, . I am telling you to go get your apology.”

“A shame one. High school was only a few months ago, you know. He is still eighteen! It would not be genuine.”

Yunho was probably losing his mind in fear, thinking about the possibility of him being vindictive and airing all his dirty secrets. That would push him to apologize, not because he realized what he had done to him, how he had broken and scarred him. It held no merit and did not make him feel better.

He did not think anything could ever eradicate what happened to him in high school. How ostracized he had felt. How different, alone, unloveable, and dirty he had felt. And it all came about because of Yunho and his friends.

He could still hear the giggles and the supposed whispers that were too loud: “he probably has aids; so dirty!” “He doesn’t need a halloween costume.” And so much more. Nothing could change those memories. He was forever changed because of them. And he couldn’t forgive them. He could stop giving them importance in his life choices, but he couldn’t let go of the hurt simply because they were young, because they still went for his blood, and he had only been a child, too!

His bullying was real. The kind of people committed suicide over. To this day, he wondered why he hadn’t gone to an adult sooner than he had. The punishment he, the person who gave him a ing concussion over nothing and tried to spin the story into him attacking him first, got was not enough. It would never be enough. Not even if he had been forced into paying for his years of therapy. Therapy he would need forever, all because of high school. And he had done nothing to them. His only mistake was attempting to stand up to one of them. Just once. Just ing once.

Jaejoong felt a headache coming. 

Bryan’s deep, calming voice felt like a soothing hand on the back of his head, massaging the knot he felt there. “If you are mature enough at eighteen, who says he is not?”

“I am nineteen.”

“I stand corrected. It’s only a difference of a few months.”

Jaejoong sighed, rubbing his forehead. 

His anger was bubbling over again. He wondered why Bryan did not see how upset he was making him. 

“Bryan, it’s…It’s not that easy.”

“, I know, but–”

“But nothing.” 

“I’m just saying.”

“Say nothing. I want to change the topic.”

His engineering friend sighed loudly in the receiver. “Okay, I understand, I just wanted to give you a complete perspective.”

“Thanks.” He bit his bottom lip. “I know.”

After a second of silence Bryan said, “I love you.”

“Always,” Jaejoong finished.

His head started throbbing. A ing headache. Perfect! When he needed to be clear headed to study, he was about to be in pain.

“I’m going to let you go,” Bryhan said.

“Good call. My head is hurting.”

“My fault, eh.”

“No. I’m sleep deprived.”

“Don’t study too hard now.”

Jaejoong laughed. “I won’t.”

Ending the call, Jaejoong crawled to his bed and laid on his back. He tried not to cry, but to stare at the blank ceiling and space-out.

He wanted to hurt Yunho. It was a desire that had been growing stronger with each day that passed. He wanted him to rue the day he ing aided his friends in tearing him down.

Something evil, something Jaejoong despised bloomed warmly in his chest.

He wanted to hurt Jung Yunho so much, it hurts.

This was so unfair.