Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

“!” Lilia hissed when the short juice glass slipped from her fingers and shattered into a bazillion shards on the floor of her kitchen.

Jaejoong chuckled, because he remembered when she went through a phase in the sixth grade refusing to cuss because that was “beneath” her. Now look at her. An atheist and a panual overlord, as she graciously referred to herself on her Instagram bio in high school. That bio was gone now—a result of “adult-ing.”

“Not funny,” she grumbled, squatting to pick up the big pieces. 

“Be careful,” she ordered. “I’ll get the broom and dustpan.”

“Over there.” She pointed at the closet opposite from the kitchen.

Opening the closet, he heard her firm inhaled of breath and she said, “I ing hate shattering glasses, you know? When they break, they shatter into millions of pieces. There is no way in hell you can ever manage to get them all.” She paused, in a deep breath and looked up at Jaejoong who had already begun brooming. “I really think it is impossible to put a broken glass back together—you never find all the pieces.”

He shrugged silently, focusing on his sweeping.

“A good metaphor for a heart—poetic , don’tcha think?” She looked up, grinned and winked at Yunho.

Looking at her with a sentimental smile, he asked, “You high?”

“You plan to get me some weed?”

He laughed. “You just sounded like one of my uni friends.”

That gave her a slight pause, her face scrunching in displeasure before she looked down and said, voice clear and pleasant, “Really now? So that’s what you’re doing at uni?”

“No. Not me,” he squeaked. Wishing he never put his foot in his mouth. 

“You just said?” she retorted tartly, getting up, heels of her hands on her knees.

“They get high, I drink sometimes. You know I don’t smoke.”

“Do I?”  she muttered softly, passing by him to drop the shards of glass in a container.

“It’s been a year, Lilia. I am still the same.” He frowned.

She shrugged, walked to the trash can and gently placed the big pieces of glass in there. After closing the lid of the can, she fluffed her hair. Turning around, she said, “So, they get high, you get drunk, and spout poetic ?”

She sounded mad. He blinked at her, not knowing what to say. He understood they’ve grown over this past year, but Jaejoong didn’t think they’ve grown apart. They were still his favorite people and the best part of his life.

He was able to keep sane these past few days because of them. Because they took his mind off Yunho. Because he knew they would always support him and could always see the real him. He was not understanding Lilia’s temper tantrum.

“Lilia, you’ve made new friends. Have they taken my place in your life?”

She scowled crossly at him. “Never.” She growled.

He nodded. “Exactly. Me too. And, Bryan is the only friend I’ve made. The rest are his friends. They get together, they get high, and I get drunk—sometimes—and sometimes I cook, or bake, and they read from poetry books and add their own lines—sometimes, if they’re feeling it.”

She looked rightly amused now. “No. Don’t tell me this little troupe has a name.”

Jaejoong laughed and reached out for her hand. It was small, warm, and soft. Just like always. He fused their fingers together and squeezed. “The Dead Poet Society.”

“I knew it!” She laughed, and he laughed. “Sounds like you’re living it up at uni.” She said when she calmed down.

His smile dimmed. She saw that. “Hey.” She thumped her fist lightly on his chest. “I’m happy to know that.”

He shook his head and bit his bottom lip. “I miss you, though. A lot.” He breathed in her coconut scent. 

“Aww. Me too, baby.”

He felt choked up. “I miss—I wished we could relive our senior year.,” he muttered into her shoulder. She hugged him.

“We had fun, but I feel like we’re going to keep on having even more fun as we age. Yesterday was fun.”

He nodded on her shoulder. “The Devil’s Den was fun.”

“So was clubbing.”

“You’re a beast on the dance floor.”

“Sober power.”

He laughed. He really missed home. He missed senior year. One of the best years of his life. And he missed not having Yunho on his mind twenty-four-seven.

She tightened her hug. “Me too.”

Jouji cleared his throat in the entrance of the kitchen and asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes to add effect,  “If we don’t leave now, we’ll arrive at the party right when it’s ending.”

They looked up at him and laughed at the same time. Looked at each other, laughed some more. 

He missed them and the protection of their friendship so much. He wished he could tell them everything.

“I don’t mind if we don’t go,” Jaejoong said. 

Not only did he not like parties, he wasn’t much of a public dancer or drinker and hated socializing, especially with people from his hometown, his old, mean high school peers, he just had a bad feeling about this pool party.

What if Yunho was there?

What if Nathen was there?

Lilia rolled her eyes and squeezed his elbows, stared in his eyes and said, “We’re going.”

 Lilia had secured his invitation, and, originally, he hadn’t refused because he hadn’t been to a “good” party since he graduated last year—and for him those were birthday parties and small get-togethers with his core group of friends and acquaintances from the SGA club—and he simply wanted to be with his friends. He was even willing to go to a party he was dreading because he simply wanted to be around them as much as he could and for as long as he could before summer was over.

-----

If Jaejoong could be anywhere, he’d rather be home, eating oreo cookies, drinking hot milk with ginger and cinnamon, watching Avatar the Last Airbender for the millionth time, and stressing about simply existing.

Basically, he’d rather be doing anything than be at this stupid pool party. He wished his parents had forbid him from going, which he knew would neve have happened.

His parents respected his independence and autonomy. He was seen as an adult by his trusting parents. Still, he had told them it would be a small get-together. He just felt compelled to say that about the size. He had given them the address Lilia gave him, because he would be coming home late and he knew they would want to know where he was. He respected his parents and they always made it clear they appreciated honesty. 

Honestly, Jaejoong had actually deluded himself into expecting a small party. It wasn’t small. It felt like the whole town was here.

The first thing he noticed when Lilia parked after a row of parked cars was how many of them there were; the red, bright rear lights appeared like a hazy Christmas dream. He freaked out a little.

He turned and looked over at her in alarm. “That’s a lot of people for a small get together.” 

She shrugged and smiled widely at him. “It’s a party, babe.”

“Still—”

“You’ll survive, kitten.” She fixed her long, dark curtain of wavy hair. She reached for her purse, which was on Jaejoong’s lap, and reached for her lip-kit. She started to outline her lips. Jaejoong remained sitting, feeling his dread augmenting and weighing him down.

He would definitely be here. There was no way he wouldn’t be here!

Jouji didn’t wait for Lilia to finish touching up her lips. He opened the passenger seat behind the driver’s seat, where Lilia sat, glued to the cushion, and he opened his door and got out. “Ready, Jae?”

No!

“I pray I do not see people I don’t want to see,” he muttered instead, and dragged his body out.

“Like who?” she asked, putting the cap back on her lip gloss. She smacked her lips together, red and glossy.

“No one,” he quickly muttered, closing the door after him with a loud bang.

“Are you trying to break my car?” She deadpanned.

He rolled his eyes, but did not retort.

“Listen. Don’t think about anything and just go with the flow. Enjoy yourself,” she said, getting out of the car. He groaned.  

He allowed Lilia to grab him and dragged him to the front door of the house. They slid past some people he swore were already tipsy. He could hear the music. It was loud and annoying. Jaejoong hated the song playing. 

Not Lilia. She already began to sashay her shoulders, her smile getting wider. He did not know how that was possible. He had to admit, though, she was never a sour sport. Unlike him. She was the personification of “going with the flow”.

They were greeted with drinks. Jaejoong accepted one, but he knew he would not be drinking. Jouji and Lilia both took a swing of their drinks, incautiously. 

So trusting, Jaejoong thought, hoping there was nothing in those drinks.

Lilia bumped into friends pretty quickly. Jouji and Jaejoong ended up walking out of the opposite end of the house to the pool. It was swarming with people. Gross. The song changed to Juicy by Biggie. Now that was a song he could vibe to.

“Finally some good music,” he hissed under his breath. Jouji laughed. “Dude, chillax. You just got here.” He smacked him on the back. It stung.

“I am relaxed.” He side stepped him.

“Really?” he arched an eyebrow, amused.

“I just...you know?” He shrugged.

“No, I don’t. Don’t you party at uni?”

“Do I look like I do?” he asked, holding his gaze.

Jouji laughed so hard, his whole body jiggled with glee, and he almost spilled his drink.  

“Okay, you didn’t have to laugh that hard. I do….small events.”

“Small events. Like?”

“I join my friends when they get high, if that counts.”

Breathing hard through his giggles, Jouji said, “Stop. I can’t.”

“Eeh, yo! Jouji!” Someone hollered his friend’s name. Jouji looked in the direction of the voice and his face split into a smile. 

He was a stranger to Jaejoong. 

Jaejoong’s heart clenched and sank low in his belly. And it hurt. There was that wall again between him and his friends. The wall that also bothered Lilia. They now had friends he did not know. They were experiencing different things. They were growing apart, and he wanted to act like they weren’t, because he kept on clinging to them and knew their friendship kept him tethered to life; still, he hated it.

“My coworker.” Jouji looked at Jaejoong   “Want to—”

“No!”

Jouji looked questioningly at him.

Jaejoong knew he was being ridiculous, so he said, "You know how weird I get around new people." And with that he forced forward a tensed, tight smile.

"He's just a co-worker. Cool people."

Inhaling sharply, Jaejoong said, “Another time. Go say hi. I'm going to look around. Massive house!”

“Huh? Okay.”

Jaejoong nodded stiffly. They parted with his friend dropping a warm hand on his shoulder as he waved back to his unknown friend. 

Now listless and aimless, he weaved between the loud, tispy twenty-somethings. Some talking and laughing, others arguing and cussing, some flirting and on the verge of making out, faces too close. 

The music was too loud, and the DJ, the owner of the Spotify shuffled playlist, balls; whoever was in charge of the music had already changed the song, not even letting the whole of Juice play. They were back to the modern music he hated—sometimes, like right now, he understood what it meant to feel lonely amidst a crowd.

He hated it.