As we get out of the steaming hot sauna, Seohyun and I dry ourselves off with the towels that we had picked-up earlier. No matter how hard she tries, Seohyun can’t rub off the redness in her cheeks. She’s nervous about Sooyoung. There’s no trace of her or Min Kyung around. They’re out of sight but hardly out of mind.

 
We head past the igloo shaped saunas and stop by one of the laundry baskets to toss our towels in before going back to the main foyer where we wait for everyone else to finish. There are a couple of benches by the sauna entrance. We take a seat and wait.
 
Seohyun remains pensive but her cheeks are now porcelain white. Her eyes are staring into blank space and she’s hunched forward at the edge of her seat. She’s less chatty around me than she is around the others but the mood is different than it was before. My mind races with possibilities and probabilities, trying to determine what I should say or do to lighten the mood. Do I even want to joke around?  I can’t. It doesn’t feel right.
 
She turns her head to me but then faces forward again. I turn to her and wait for her to say something. Anything that’ll make her less worried. My mind wonders whether Sooyoung would tell Min Kyung, or anyone else for that matter, about what she saw. She’s a friend but I know that it’s naïve of me to think there isn’t a chance of her blabbing. It’s also naïve of me to ignore the stigmas that come with what this is. Of what we are. Seohyun finally turns to face me.
 
“Yoona, what should we do about all of this?”
 
It’s funny how the answer to a question doesn’t always come to you even if you’ve been thinking about it. I know there isn’t much we can do. When it comes to secrets, you have to trust the people that bear them. I trust Seohyun. I trust Tiffany. Ultimately, I trust Sooyoung. I have to for both our sakes.
 
“I’ll talk to her.”
 
Seohyun shakes her head at me. “We’ll talk to her.”
 
It’s a relief to hear her say that.  Propping my back up against the wall behind the bench, I mock, “We’ll talk to her, huh?”
 
Seohyun nods. “Of course we’ll talk to her.”
 
“What are you going to say?”
 
Seohyun opens but nothing comes out. Her eyes are wide and a familiar redness in her cheeks comes back again. This is one of the few times where she’s completely at a loss for words. 
 
The infallible debate club president doesn’t have an answer.
 
I burst out laughing, my stomach aching as remains unhinged. When she’s clueless she’s adorable.   
 
Seohyun pouts, making a high-pitched whine. “WAHH. It’s not funny."
 
Remembering that we're in public, I calm down to avoid causing a scene. I put my right hand on her left shoulder and rub it gently. “It’s enough that you’ll be there.”
 
The pout on her lip fades with each squeeze of my hand. 
 
“When do we talk to her?” she asks.
 
“The sooner the better.”
 
Seohyun leans back to join me against the wall. I take my hand away to let her get comfortable. 
 
“What should we say?”
 
My laughter was a great way to lighten the mood, but having a game plan would give Seohyun some peace of mind. Unfortunately, we’re interrupted by familiar voices to our left.
 
The rest of the girls come out and they’re all smiles. As I look at them, Sooyoung’s glance is the only one that throws me off. I half expect her to come up and joke with me about what she saw, but she’s controlled. It’s like she doesn’t even remember what she had walked in on. 
 
I’m uncomfortable. Sooyoung doesn’t know that. If she did, I’m sure she would tell me not to worry. Nonetheless, she comes over and drags the two of us out of our seats. 
 
“Movie time!” It’s the last thing on our to-do list and Sooyoung is more than excited for it. The movie theatre is right at the back of the women's foyer and there’s an attendant by the door as well as a concession stand off to the side serving snacks.
 
We head inside to see that the theatre is only half-full. We pick a row near the back close to the middle, and we sit side by side. Sooyoung excuses herself to get some snacks while we wait for the movie to start. The girl could never resist a bucket of buttery popcorn. I get up to join her but she’s already heading down the steps. 
 
Seohyun tries to follow but I tell her to stay put. She pulls me in with a wag of her finger. I lean in close to hear her. “I said we’d talk to her together.”
 
I appreciate the sentiment, but Sooyoung is someone that I'm close to. I want to talk to her alone first before we throw this on her. “We’re just getting some snacks before the movie.” 
 
Seohyun leans back in her chair but has a reluctant look. 
 
I give her a grin as I take my leave. 
 
Exiting out the doors from where we came, Sooyoung is over at the concessions, already in line. Only a few people are in front of her. We won’t have much time to talk. 
 
I make my way over to Sooyoung and can feel my heart racing with each step. I try my best to be natural. I poke Sooyoung to get her attention and smile when she stares back. She has a deadpan expression. 
 
I pick the words in my head with care before I talk. I have to, but the silence between us is lingering far too long. 
 
“Are you planning to share some of that popcorn?”
 
I smile but I want to slap myself in the face for coming up with such a stupid ice breaker. Sooyoung’s face looks puzzled. It dawns on me that it wouldn’t be so bad to be a rock. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about these things. Speaking my mind to my friends has always been easy, but this is far more difficult than I could have imagined. 
 
“Of course,” Sooyoung replies. “My parents left me some cash to get us all snacks and even pay for dinner.” 
 
I stare at her, dumbfounded. I stutter because there are so many ways to say what I have to say but none of them really sound right.
 
“Next!” the clerk behind her calls out.
 
Sooyoung stops me. “Excuse me while I order, okay?”
 
I nod as she walks off. Sooyoung’s snappy. She calls out her order and is always very meticulous with the details. As the clerks hustle and bustle to fill the order, I walk up closer to help her with all the food.
 
“What can I carry?”
 
“How about the tray of drinks?”
 
“Sure.”
 
The tray that comes is rather heavy but it’s better that I carry it. Sooyoung’s arms are long but they’re also scrawny. She’s better suited for lugging two buckets of popcorn rather than water weight. As the popcorn comes, the smell of the hot butter puts me at ease. It’s comfort food.
 
We get some straws and napkins before Sooyoung leads the way back to theatre in a haste. “Come on let’s go! I don’t want to miss Seo In Guk." I trail behind her but my time is running out. I need to say something if I want to know what she thinks about all this.
 
I summon the courage to take longer strides and catch up to her. I can hear the soda sploshing in their paper cups as I move. I don’t check to see if I’ve spilled anything. Without thinking, I blurt it out. “Sooyoung, I just want to talk about what you saw in the sauna.”
 
She stops when she hears me. My heart stammers as she stares at me - so much for talking about it casually. I guess it isn’t a casual topic. 
 
“So Seohyun kissed you on the lips, what’s the big deal?”
 
“Don’t you want to know why she did that?”
 
Sooyoung, normally a jokester, is serious when it comes to important situations. The mood changes completely. Her eyes are solemn and her tone is monotonous. “I don’t care. You’re my friend and that’s all that matters.”
 
Her words are bittersweet. They leave a sharp sting in my chest. “I’m not okay with that. If you are my friend, I want you to care.”
 
Sooyoung runs her fingers through her hair and sighs. “Okay.”
 
“Okay, what?”
 
“I care, now what?”
 
I remember the promise I made to Seohyun, that we would talk to her together, but at least she should hear my side of the story first. I try to keep my voice down so nobody else can hear us. It’s surprisingly noisy in the foyer with the concession stand behind us and all the chatting patrons around us.
 
“I like Seohyun. In that way.”
 
Sooyoung looks away from me. I thought she would react to my confession by dropping a few kernels of popcorn or maybe even a whole bucket. She’s far from unnerved by it, but there’s something in the way her eyes wander. The silence is deafening, but she focuses back on me. “Okay, and?”
 
My heart’s racing. I’m putting myself out there and it’s scary how vulnerable I feel. I don’t care about what others think, but Sooyoung really matters. Her words can hurt me. “Well what do you think? I’m telling you something important here.”
 
“What do you want me to say? I don’t know, okay? I don’t know what I’m supposed to think.”
 
“I want you to say what you feel.”
 
“This is new to me Yoona. I didn’t even think it was like that.” I hear her emphasize the last word with a harsher tone.
 
I’m speechless. Did she think friends just kissed each other on the lips?
 
“Please don’t tell anyone about what you saw.”
 
“I’m not planning to. Your secret’s safe with me.”
 
Those words are enough to calm me down.
 
“Can we go enjoy the rest of our vacation? Everyone else is going to wonder what’s taking us so long.” 
 
It’s not right for me to put this all on her so suddenly. I can’t pressure her for an answer. “Alright, I’m sorry. Let’s go.” 
 
I follow her back inside and we make our way to our seats and disperse the snacks before sitting.
 
As the trailers start to play, I notice Sooyoung murmuring with Min Kyung in the darkness. She’s back to her normal self again. They laugh and smile but I can feel myself still worrying. The burden of keeping secrets is starting to weigh on my conscience. I want to tell them both and get all of this over with. I want to hear what they have to say, put it all on the table, for better or worse. 
 
A hand moving across my periphery breaks my concentration. “Everything okay?”
 
I smile at Seohyun. She’s scanning me with her eyes, the light of the screen causing her dark brown irises to shine in the darkness. 
 
“Everything’s fine.” I put a finger to my lips and then point to the screen. I don’t want her to know that I talked to Sooyoung about us.
 
Seohyun doesn’t look convinced, but she turns back in her seat to watch the film. The movie is a swimming drama, but many of the women are there to watch it for the eye candy. When the first shirtless hunk comes on screen, I can hear some girls around us giggling. Sooyoung and Min Kyung are all smiles. Seohyun’s like a statue.
 
I try to get into the movie to get my mind off the situation. I can’t deny that some of the guys are handsome. When the main character finally confesses to his childhood friend, I can hear the glee-filled squeals in the crowd. Would they all react the same way to my confession to Seohyun? I could only hope that they would.
 
The munching around me heightens my appetite and distracts me from my worries. I stare at the bucket of popcorn in Tiffany’s lap and realize that Seohyun, who's sitting between us, hasn’t even reached for any. Her hands are resting in her lap the entire time. As I stare, I can’t tell if she’s actually watching the movie or lost in thought. 
 
I turn back to the screen and see the main character arguing with his girlfriend. Cliché or not, at the height of their argument they kiss. The scene itself gets steamier but it’s not the passion that’s getting to me. It’s the intimacy. I scoot closer to Seohyun and sneak my hand under the arm of her chair. Nobody can see what I’m doing in the darkness, so there’s no guilt. 
 
I rest my hand on top of hers and she turns it over for me to hold. Her touch is soft, warm, and loving. We don’t need to look each other in the eye or passionately lock lips to be intimate. This is perfect.
 
As soon as the credits roll and the lights turn on, this bliss goes away. Seohyun lets go of my hand to get up and stretch. I do the same, though my hand feels cold without hers. I close my fist to try to keep the warmth on my palm. It fades too quickly for my liking.
 
Done for the day, we exit the theater and head back to the locker room to change. We use the key necklaces we were given to get our goods from our lockers. Again we take turns changing before meeting back by the reception to return everything that we had borrowed.
 
Jisan in the winter is known for its beauty, and with the sun already down, we step out with the streets aglow. There’s a holiday feel in the air with red and green streamers hanging under the lights of tall lamp posts. There are wreaths all over the doors of stores around us. The only thing that’s missing is an old man with a white beard and his nine reindeer.
 
The snow crunches under our steps as we make our way to the busier downtown core. We constantly survey the area for restaurants. Jessica stops us and points to a foggy set of windows on the other side of the street. It’s a shabu shabu restaurant. Piping hot food is perfect for the winter weather. 
 
We cross at the nearest intersection and make our way inside, where the smell of meat broths and the noise of chattering patrons are there to greet us. Avoiding the wait, we manage to get lucky and land a large table for six. We’re led there by the greeter and take off our jackets as we arrive. It’s boiling. Shabu Shabu places tend to be quite hot when they're busy.
 
Our waiter arrives and greets us with a warm smile. He hands us a simple menu with a list of meat and vegetable combos. We sit and talk about what we want to eat. Min Kyung is the pickiest of the group, but it’s the holidays and even she is willing to skimp out on her diet and go for their special winter combo: Korean beef and New Zealand lamb with a side of veggies, noodles, and rice. It’s served with our choice of spicy or non-spicy broth.  All of us elect non-spicy except Sooyoung. Min Kyung asks for no noodles and no rice, but extra veggies.
 
As we wait for the food, Min Kyung hands out the chopsticks and spoons from the wooden box at her end of the table. She talks about the movie. “Seo In Guk is so dreamy,” she says. “Don’t you guys think so?”
 
Sooyoung nods in agreement, but insists that Kang Dong Won is still the iest man in Korea. Jessica interrupts their debate. I’ve never seen her shake her head in such disagreement. “Daniel Henney is the definition of y.”
 
Min Kyung laughs and looks over at me from her end of the table. “Yoona, what do you think?”
 
“Oh,” I mumble. “Yeah, they’re both handsome.”
 
“I don’t think I’ve ever asked you, but who’s your ideal type? I know Nichkhun isn’t it.”
 
I ignore her under-handed comment, scanning the celebrity index in my brain for the right person to pick. Nothing comes to mind. My eyes wander to a Korean soju ad above Min Kyung’s head. 
 
“Lee Seung Gi,” I answer with a grin.
 
Tiffany, who’s sitting beside me, also notices the poster and laughs. 
 
“Your eye smile is really pretty Tiffany,” says Sooyoung. 
 
Tiffany, still smiling, tilts her head and asks with a high-pitched squeal. “Really?”
 
“Really, I wish I could smile like that.” Sooyoung tries her best to do an imitation but merely squints. Everyone at the table laughs. 
 
Finally the piping hot clay pots come out along with the mini-gas stoves that they place in front of us. They start them up and the broth starts boiling under a controlled heat. Another waiter comes over with a huge tray that has plates of marbled red meat. He gives us both two plates and then comes back moments later with a bowl of yellow noodles, rice, kimchi, and vegetables. 
 
As Min Kyung eats, she talks to Jessica and Tiffany about college and the topic of Seohyun’s acceptance into Harvard is brought up. 
 
“Was it hard getting in?”
 
Seohyun nods her head. “I guess. I mean, it’s hard to get into any school.”
 
Everyone at the table collectively shakes their heads. Min Kyung adds, “Harvard’s on another level.”
 
Seohyun has always downplayed her achievements in the past, but it’s hard to ignore the prestige of Harvard.
 
As Min Kyung puts some vegetables into her boiling hot pot, she sighs. “I envy you. You’ll be able to get any job you want when you graduate.”
 
Seohyun shrugs. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
 
Min Kyung shakes her head. “It is a big deal. Doesn’t anybody else think so?”
 
Everyone nods their heads in unison. “I think we’re all super proud and happy for you, Seohyun,” says Tiffany. “We’ve never formally celebrated it with you, though. I’m a bad friend.”
 
Sooyoung raises her glass of water. “Let’s fix that,” she says. “Let’s have a toast in her honor.” 
 
“It’s water,” Min Kyung says with a harsh tone. “You don’t toast with water.”
 
As if she didn't hear Min Kyung, Sooyoung raises her arm. “It’s the act of toasting, not the liquid in the cup that makes it meaningful.” 
 
Min Kyung drags Sooyoung’s arm down. “That’s embarrassing. Let’s celebrate with a real drink.”
 
She waves for our waiter and orders us some sikhye for dessert, a sweet Korean rice beverage. “Seohyun, this one’s on me.”
 
Tiffany is quick to shoot her down. “I’ve been Seohyun’s friend since she was a kid. This one’s actually on me.” She winks at Seohyun. “And I’ll get you a real drink later.”
 
Sooyoung wags her finger at the two of them. “My parents said they would be more than happy to pay for our dinner.”
 
Never to be outdone when it comes to her friends, Tiffany adamantly refuses. “I’m not a freeloader. I’ll pay for my own dinner and Seohyun’s dinner as a way to congratulate her.”
 
“What about me?” Jessica whines. “Are you going to pay for me? I got into college too.”
 
I channel the voice that annoys Tiffany the most. I talk like a baby. “Pay for me too, Tiffany unnieeeee.”
 
Everyone at the table cringes, except Seohyun who giggles.
 
Tiffany er punches the air beside me. “If you do that one more time, I swear that I’ll…”
 
“Unnieeeeeeeee.”
 
Tiffany puts me in a headlock. “What did I say!”
 
“Unnieeeee, don’t be mean.”
 
The others burst out laughing. Tiffany lets me go. I give her a cheeky smile and she does the same. The laughter at the table settles down, and ultimately Tiffany wins the argument over the who foots Seohyun's bill.
 
We get back to our meal. The food is amazing, but Seohyun and Min Kyung are both too full to finish their portions as dinner progresses. Sooyoung is more than happy to take some food from Min Kyung, which is pretty normal when we eat together. Seohyun offers me her portion and I smile with glee.
 
With everyone else eating, Min Kyung naturally looks over to Seohyun for conversation. “You know what, Seohyun? You’re pretty perfect.” 
 
Seohyun entertains her conversation, modest as always. “I’m not.”
 
“No really, you are! Debate Club President, straight A student. I mean you’re at the top of the honor roll, right?”
 
The truth can sometimes put you in a tight spot. Seohyun can’t deny any of these things. She can only deflect. “A lot of people are talented at school. It’s not just me.”
 
Min Kyung isn’t swayed so easily. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say anything bad about you. Like ever, right, Sooyoung?”
 
Sooyoung hesitates before her next bite. I catch it in the corner of my eye as I listen in. She knows that there is one ‘flaw’ that could hurt her reputation. She nods and gets back to stuffing her face.
 
Seohyun doesn’t quite know what to make of all this. “That’s good, I guess.”
 
Min Kyung presses the issue. She waves her chopstick in the air pointing at Seohyun like she’s under investigation. “I mean, people call you a nerd and a keener, but nothing that’s actually that negative, you know?”
 
Seohyun doesn’t respond.
 
“Gosh, is there anything bad about you?”
 
Everyone at the table is listening in and it’s obvious. Min Kyung, like her or not, has her ways of getting to know people. This is one of her more direct approaches. Seohyun shrugs. “Ask Yoona, she knows.”
 
Min Kyung points her chopstick at me this time. “Yoona? She always praises you.”
 
“Yoona’s my best friend. She knows better than anyone what’s bad about me.”
 
“Well, Yoona? Care to enlighten us?”
 
I’m speechless because I didn’t expect the proverbial mic to be passed over. Min Kyung is interested, but Seohyun is the one that’s leaning on the edge of her seat. 
 
Maybe it’s all the praise that’s been given to her today or the stress of the SATs, but this is the first thing that pops into my head. “She’s too perfect.”
 
Min Kyung makes a confused face. “Eh? How can anyone be too perfect?”
 
I chuckle, trying to play it off as a joke. 
 
Min Kyung is not amused. “Enlightening,” she says. The gossip queen wants some dirt, but I wasn’t going to give it to her.
 
Seohyun is staring at me, her expression slightly more pallid. 
 
Deep down, I’m upset for thinking it. But today I really felt it more than any other day. Seohyun really is that much better than me at everything, seemingly so much better than everyone else at everything. It’s not a competition, but I wish I could at least be on her level. I feel inadequate next to her. It’s always been there, but now that our relationship is starting to grow, I realize that it’s a far bigger problem than I ever could have imagined.
 
My shoulders slack and I feel guilty for even being here. I should be studying. Suddenly the Korean beef doesn’t taste that good.
 
The waiter comes to clear our plates and stoves before he comes back with the drinks that we had ordered. 
 
Tiffany makes the toast.
 
“Congratulations Seohyun. May you always kick , even at Harvard, and hire us all when you become CEO of your own company, or something like that.”
 
Min Kyung interrupts, “President, maybe?”
 
Tiffany chuckles. “Yeah, president." She raises her glass even higher. "More importantly, I really hope that Seohyun is always happy and that she continues to succeed in everything she does. To Seohyun!”
 
We clank our glasses together and all take our time to congratulate her. We all take a small sip of the sweet liquid. It's great after a salty meal.
 
Seohyun is wearing the biggest smile she’s had all weekend. I want her to keep it for as long as she can, but like the warmth of her hand from earlier, it will fade. Regardless, I crack a smile at her from across the table. She’s happy and it dawns on me that Sooyoung and Min Kyung are both wrong. 
 
It’s not the act of toasting or the drink that makes it special. It’s not even the words or the occasion. It’s the fact that everyone in that moment is cheering for you. Everyone is on your side.
 
I can only hope that it stays that way.