Dear readers. XD I am aware of the constant dumbness of Yong Guk in this fic but, endure it a little bit more! Just be realistic and try to be in his shoes: he's an idol, a celebrity, a leader, a religious person.. how can he accept to change this drastically for a person? plus, a so much younger one! he can't be sure about the fact zelo only is 'trying' new things...
..i promise to let Zelo stop suffer soon! Hope you'r enjoying the story however^^. Thanks for the commens and subscription! I love this plot, those two, b.a.p... 

Continue to comment! I read it all always, and it makes me happy to know what you'r thinking.. 
Luv you^^..

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"Uh? JunHong-ah?". Shin perplexed gaze fell on me after looking around, "He didn't come?".

"No". I nervously poked to the little paper circle under my beer glass; Zelo hadn't come. Not that he had something up or he wouldn't enjoy the company, I just didn't invite him.
"Wae? Manager complained?".
My eyes noticed the angry look Himchan threw me before diverting his attention back at his lover: he was annoyed. I had stopped him inviting Zelo saying I would do it but, I didn't. And I was feeling like .
I hadn't seen him the entire day as he was at school all the morning and then at dance and singing practice. I could easily use that excuse to not had been able to invite him but, I knew it was for a different reason.
I needed time. To think, to realize. How would Zelo had behaved if I had brought him along? He would have been touchy like JongUp to Himchan in front of my friends? We would.. Have kissed again? What would others had thought? What if manager had found out? I was the leader, I was supposed to be the example to follow. Not the corrupter guy. And Zelo was so easy to be lost into, so easy to corrupt, so easy to have. 
I stared again at the glass of golden beer on the counter, little drops sparkling on the border, paper dripmat briefly wetted. I had  to sort out the situation but I also needed a rest from it. Being without him for some hours, his absence, didn't stopped me to think though.

[. . .]

Himchan's alarm woke me up early; I had still time before my schedule so I just laid in bed listening to the dorm's noises. Too lazy to look the time in my phone, I wondered if Zelo was already on his way to school; what was he wearing, what would he learn, how much would he think about me.
"JunHong! Slow down! It can be a misunderst..!". JongUp's loud voice stopped as the door of my room banged open harshly banging to the table.
"Zelo?".
"Where's the point in introducing me to them if you don't want me to be their friends?!!" Zelo's voice was high pitched, he was mad, I could see it. I stood up fastly from the bed and glanced to JongUp, he was looking guilty like a puppy while trying to calm Zelo without much progress.
"JongUp! shut THE UP!". Yelled again the younger looking at me again waiting for an answer; I shifted uncomfortable.
"It's not like that". I started walking towards him but failed as he dodged me. His roommate mumbled an apology to me before disappearing from the door, looking worried: I bet he was going to call HimChan. Why the hell did he tell Zelo we had went out in the first place? The room was silent as Zelo looked like trying to compose himself.
"What's it then?" he hissed, "The snowboard too!". He was frowning, his lips clenched til he spoke again: "I didn't go because you didn't wanted!". I already knew that, but hearing him saying it worsened the pain in my throat.
He stepped ahead to me, fits clenched: "You've a problem with them being my friends?". Yes. 
"No". Our gazes met and, as a slap, I saw his eyes watering.
"Are you embarrassed by me?". 
My eyes widening as I shook my head decisively. Never I had. At all. I was proud of him, thankful to be his Hyung, glad to be able to spend time with him, happy for him to even care about me. All useless things however as they couldn't leave my throat.
"No". I repeated in the end. My feet closed our distance and I took his hand; he frowned looking at my hands.
"Are you ashamed?". Asked Zelo again, this time speaking slowly, like not wanting to hear the answer.
"No". With my free hand I touched his arm in a slow, fluid movement from his wrist to his shoulder; my heart registering his shivers under my touch.
"I really can't understand you. You just.." he paused not looking at me, "confuse me. You like to play with me".
"Zelo, it's not like that". My voice was low, my mind crashing to say the right thing, my hands craving to just pull him to my body.
"What is it like, so?".
I couldn't talk. I was too embarrassed of saying the truth I didn't even admit to myself. He deserved to know how much I was selfish of not wanting him to became friends with others, how much I wished him to look only at me, talking only to me. But it wasn't right for me to ask him a thing like that. I had no rights. And I didn't even know how far he would go: probably he was just in a growing phase and I, egoistically, didn't wanted to suffer.
"Just.. Just stop messing with me. I'm tired of being a mess because of you Hyung".
I was the one who was a mess. I had my life twisted by a sixteen years old, bandmate. My mouth was dry, hands sweating.. The entryphone of the dorm sounded into the silence: other members were listening to us? I glanced to the door to see if someone was there and Zelo moved away from me, cutting touch between us.
"So, you are really ashamed".
He had took it all wrong. He was already out of my room by the time I understood his whispering.
"No! JunHong, wait!". I managed to reach him at the entrance door, he was wearing his shoes: I thanked god AllStar has strings. The others were quiet in the living room, I knew they were listening and watching but I realized I didn't care. 
I could see his eyes crumpling to took the tears in, not letting them roll down.
"I am.. young. " he muttered looking at me, "I know that.. But, it doesn't mean.." he choked a bit opening he door, "It doesn't mean I can't feel this bad". His eyes, full of tears, glanced at me a last time before he turned around and run away. I was destroyed. Aware of the fact I had made him cry again, suffer again. I just failed again both being leader, friend.. Or anything else he wanted me to be. Anything else I wanted to be.
I couldn't concentrate, I hadn't anymore time to answer to him as the elevator doors were already closed, the mechanisms noisy working.
The entryphone ringed again and I blindly picked it up. 
"JunHong? It's late!". Manager sounded happy, unaware of the crying kid he would have to bring to school soon.
"He's coming". I didn't even listen to the answer, something like 'Ok! See you later' trespassing my ears. I was a . A stupid bastard.
.
I ignored the knock to the door of the recording studio; I was there since the morning, since Zelo and I had argued. It was nearly a month since the last time I closed myself in there and scribble on my music: I needed it. My brain just seemed to had too much in: to much to bare, to understand.
And I honestly wanted to be alone for a bit but, as always, Himchan had came to look out for me.
"Are you ok?".
I grunted trying to ignore him but, as he placed a deliciously smelling box on the table, I turned around for the sake of my growling stomach. My body plopped down beside my roommate on the small leather couch of the studio and soon I had a pair of chopsticks in hand, shoving food in my mouth.
"No 'thank you' ?". He elbowed me making a fried shrimp fall again in the box. I know he was just waiting some time before starting with the question so, I decided to start it myself.
"I'm an idiot". 
Himchan smirked nodding: "I already knew it".
"Seriously. What should I do?". I wasn't even necessary to state the topic. He already knew, I bet Zelo had talked with him, so I just waited him to go on talking rattling off advises as usual.
"You.. Uhm.. Like him?".
I chocked a bit with my coke and tried to sound convincing: "It's not like that.. We're not like that".
His annoyed look bugged me but before I could even snort, he interrupted me.
"You are. You always had!".
"We're just friends". Not the classical typo of friends, strong ones. With lot of bromance, as people like to call it. Himchan scoffed rolling his eyes before pinching my arm with his chopsticks as he used to do when we were little.
"WE are friends", his finger pointing frenetically to our body, "you two are something more YongGuk, you know that".
I stared at the coffee table..
"But it's wrong.." I sighed, my head supported by my right hand, "He's too young".
"You are worried about what others would think, right?".
Sure, he was in the same situation with JongUp, he had to know I was feeling. 
"It's not just that". I had lost my appetite by then, the familiar feeling in my lungs had returned with the clear image of Zelo in my head. "He's just.. He's too young to understand what he feels, he's just confused."
"You can't know. And JunHong surely is mature for his age, I wouldn't underestimate him".
Shaking my head I tried to don't let his words dig in me but, they did, deeply; and they gave me the only thing I didn't wanted: hope.
"But, before doing something be sure about your side". Blurted then out Himchan looking worried. "You can't play with his feelings anymore".
"You don't even know how.." I started..
"I know. I know how it is." he smiled, "it isn't easy at first but, I regret nothing".
"You're happy". I saw that. And I needed, craved to be like him: calm, happy.. Loved. All by one single person. With his smiles, his voice, his rapping.. 

[. . .]

I waited in the car for the manager and Zelo; the entrance of his high school well illuminated by the bright sun, mass of students drooling on the street. My eyes followed each red backpack in view but, anyone was Zelo's. 
He came out of the gate bit later, manager accompanying him, girl fans around, taking pictures with cellphones or camera: it sure wasn't easy to attend school for an idol; JongUp wasn't there as he had extra lessons in the afternoon but I knew his situation wasn't much better. I diligently waited in the car with dark glass to avoid unnecessary commotion with my presence.
Zelo was walking fast, manager's hand pulling his forearm, straight to the car: he wasn't looking straight though; his eyes were hid under the peak of his cap, blue big headphone covering his ears.
Nervousness caught me as the car door opened. He hadn't still looked at me when I decided to speak out loud.
"Hey!". My sounding cheerful didn't stop a furrow on his face.
"What are you doing here?".
Manager shifted in his place and drove away from the parking lot, he looked tired but smiling as always.
"YoungGuk said he wanted to took you buy some clothes". I smiled at the simple excuse I had used before.
"Clothes?". Zelo didn't sounded enthusiastic, he just had the same frustrated furrowed expression of minutes before on his face.
"Yeah, you always have the same". I avoided his eyes and tried to put it out casually, smiling briefly.
"I don't need it".
The manager laughed loudly looking at us into rear-view mirror: "Ahahsh! good kid!".
I hazarded to glance to Zelo's direction: he was glaring at the back of the driver seat in front of him, nearly carving a hole on. His eyes landed in mine as soon as I had shifted my hand towards his, he removed it in a flash, frowning again.

"You can drop us here, thank you Songsaenim". I smiled politely pulling down fast from the car and waiting for Zelo to follow me; he scoffed mumbling at himself something before moving slowly to join me on the footpath.
"Be careful!" advised the manager driving away inserting in the traffic again. Even near a noisy street I could feel the heavy silence between us.
"How was school?". 
"Good". He had already started walking down a random street without looking back; I hurried and caught him up in few steps.
"What did you learned?".
His abruptly stop nearly made me crash against his back; he turned around glaring at me.
"Stop it. What do you want?!".
I sighed and tried to sound sincere as I apologised. I didn't even rember how many times I had already said sorry to him: "I'm sorry about last night..".
He frowned staring at me, fits still clenched, mouth still tight closed.
"You know.. I've got enough of you treating me like and then saying sorry". I could tell he was still angry but, the worst thing was, the sadness he had in his eyes. All he was saying was truth: I hadn't done anything apart hurting him and then sheepishly ask for pardon. I was selfish.
A tall man bumped on me, we were in the middle of the walkway and, by then, we were attracting attention around us: I really didn't wanted to be interrupted by tons on screaming fangirls.
"Let's go talking somewhere". I didn't expect him to agreed but he did as he followed me silently til a nearby coffee bar in a secondary road; it wasn't too much crowded and the atmosphere was quiet and relaxing. The place seemed familiar but I didn't really care.
A young guy in a blue apron took our order as soon as we had seated in a little table far from the window. The guy was polite but I couldn't stop myself on frowning as Zelo gave him a polite toothy smile asking for an iced tea. Why couldn't he smile at me at all? 
As soon as we were alone again, he returned quiet and edgy, staring lost to the slick table.
I coughed, "Zelo.. I know I behaved like an idiot but.." I stopped repeating in my mind what I had thought of saying, "It isn't easy.. it isn't easy for me to admit..".
"Being gay?". He had spoken out loud, stating it clearly. Like the possible recoils of it didn't exist at all. I looked around nervously but nobody was staring at us strangely; I had to try to relax myself a bit, I exhaled loudly looking at him.
"Let's put it like I'm bi". My voice didn't sounded loud as his, at all. 
"Ah yes, that ".
He diverted his eyes from me with a disgusted look, the shop guy was approaching us with a tray. I looked at the mocha in front of me, waiting for him to go away, waiting for Zelo to stop smiling.
As a new customer entered the bar, mr. Blue apron walked away. Silence. My mouth tried the mocha absent-mindedly, without caring at all the taste.
"Is so simple for you?". I locked my eyed on him, asking myself how could be so much younger and so much serious at the same time.
"Yes".
He had changed posture, his chest bending towards me, his hands on the table, calm eyes. We stayed in silence for a bit, him sipping slowly from the glass of tea, I glancing now and often to his face: he was calm, not angry anymore. He just looked like waiting.
Finishing my drink, I gulped down the last sip still debating with myself. The doubt I had hadn't disappeared but Himchan's words kept replaying too.
"Can I take this?". 
I jumped startled by the appearance of the waiter; after my nod he took away the empty cup. My eyes re the table just to met with Zelo's. He was smiling tiredly with his head supported by his right arm, faintly pink cheek resting on his hand.
My smile faded for an instant as I felt something touching my knee. He had put his left hand on my knee, drawing small circles on the bone under the fabric. Without thinking I backed away embarrassed, too surprised by his action and too scared to be seen to notice his hurt expression.
"Maybe.." I started saying out loud my doubt, the same of that morning, "You're just.. Confused. You don't really know wh..".
Zelo banged his hands on the table looking at me bewildered.
"Don't give me this ty excuse now Hyung! It's clearly you who is confused". 
Walking away angrily from the table, he bumped into a girl but went on without even apologizing; I bowed fast to her and reach him right at the door.
"JunHong wait!".
I grabbed his arm stopping his runaway in the frame of the glass door, I wouldn't let him go another time.
"Let. Me. Go".
"I didn't wanted to .. offend you". I just couldn't trust his age. 
"You just said that.." Zelo head went down as he clenched his jaw interrupting the sentence, "I really know what I feel". His words were a whisper but my hearth nearly stopped as they reached my ears. He knew what? He never had say anything really.
My words were cut as a salary man eyed us off being just at the entrance door, blocking the way of customers.
"I have to pay, wait for me outside". I damned myself of not having paid before, he could easily leave me there; I called him again before walking to the counter, a serious look on my face:
"JunHong, seriously, wait for me".

Stepping outside, a cold blast of wind made me shiver, the sunny day seemed to be ended in a cloudy afternoon. I looked around closing my jacket: Zelo was gone?
"YongGuk-ah!".
"Uh Shin?".
The familiar smile of Shin underlined his greeting as I walked to him: Zelo was just besides, hands shoved into his pocket. At least he hadn't run home.
"I saw JunHong and stopped by. What were you doing?!". 
"Just some shopping". I used the same excuse again, obtaining a tiny scoff from Zelo; Shin didn't seemed to notice and nodded smiling.
"You want to stop by the studio?". There I remembered: we were near his brothers's recording studio, we used to hang around there a lot years before.
"Ah well..". I wasn't sure it was a good idea, Zelo and I needed to sort things out. Not that I had chance as Zelo nodded smiling and acting curious. I could tell he was only looking for a way to avoid being alone with me.

What the hell were we doing there? I really cared about Shin and his bro but, I felt uncomfortable. Chatting freely, listening to raw beats, laughing at stupid jokes. It was a perfect way for spending free time and I wanted, tried, to enjoy it but I couldn't.
Zelo was quiet, laughing much lesser as usual, trying to sound cheerful but clearly missing something. I hate being the cause of that. 
We were looking at Shin listening to a track, when his bro found out that Zelo was a speed rapper.
"You want to record some lines? Just like introduction, tag, various s.." he proposed serious smiling at Zelo.
"Ah.. Uhm.. I can try writing down something". I smiled. His eyes had blinked to life again, accepting the challenge.
It was there, looking at him dribbling and writing focused on a piece of paper, that I permit myself to image how would had been staying with him. Having him just for me, his little genial brain, his slim eyes, his big innocent heart, his soft skin.. His body. I wouldn't be able to renounce to it easily. I wouldn't be able to let him go. But, would I be capable on making him happy? There were lots of better candidates, girls for example. Not that the idea pleased me.
"Just try it once, then we'll set the pitch!".
Shin's voice guided Zelo trough the headphones he had on; I didn't even noticed him closing up in the recording room, behind a glass wall. 
"We're giving you a basic base, just to measure rhythm".
I stood up walking to Shin at the instrumentation, Zelo had his eyes closed for few seconds before motioning an 'ok' to start.
Beat filled up the room, beating strong in my chest, my body moving automatically; Zelo was following it too, bouncing slightly on his feet, claring his throat and starting rapping normally for few second. 
The lines were like a police's report on him: words cut and spitted out one after another. Name, gender, age. Hobby. Shin laughed at the sarcasm of Zelo's words about idol world. He surely couldn't have used the same words in a LTE rap for b.a.p. , we had lot of rules on avoiding harsh or dirty word.
The ending sounded a bit weak compared to the total piece but, the result was awesome for having scribbled two minutes.
I grinned at the amazed face of Shin and his bro, they had underestimate Zelo before; now they knew how good he was. My eyes glanced at him and our gaze met, for a bit I saw in him that same look of his usual self: searching appreciation. He always asked my idea, he always wanted feedbacks.
"Woa ! That was cool kiddo!".
He laughed shy at the praises of the two at his return in the room, they were far more than satisfied.
"Good as always". My voice sounded full of pride, satisfaction, respect.. Even something more. And it made him turn to me and smile. Smile! I couldn't live without that smile.
"Ah! Speaking about LTE, HyunSoek has returned!". Shin showed me some texts he had exchanged with a friend of us, Park Hyung Seok. He was a speeder as Zelo, we had done also some collaborations before he had moved to Japan for work.
Zelo looked at me briefly: "Who is?".
"He's the speed rapper I told ya about".
"Tonight he's coming to the GhO club before work, he want to meet us all!". 
"Work?". What kind of work could he do at night?
"Photoshoot. He's modeling now".
"Mwo? Really?". I looked unbelieving at Shin but he wasn't joking.
"Yeah! And he earns a loooot" he chuckled, "Even more than you, mr. idol! Shah!". Yeah, my friend still bug me for being an idol. It isn't really in fit with the image I had before. But screw that, being an idol permit me to do music so, nothing else matter.
I elbow him however: "Shut up".
"You should know him Zelo!". I nodded  I wasn't going to make the same mistake again. He and Zelo surely would get along well fastly, their was nothing, they had lots of things in common. My hands found my phone in the back pocket of my jeans, I had to inform Himchan and, principally, call the manager; I knew he wouldn't be glad that we were going out again. I sighed and glanced at Zelo: he was talking with Shin with a smile playing on his mouth, body relaxed, eyes clear. He wasn't angry anymore at least. Not that I had actually made any improvement in the entire day, I in those things really. I sighed and dialed manager's number walking out of the room; how would the evening go? Even if the situation was far from clear, I couldn't stop myself on being happy about Zelo hanging out with us, me, again. And that night I would change things. I was sure about that.

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