The moment the sun started to rise from its hiding place, slowly casting its light through the opening of their curtains and seeping into their bedroom, Sana awoke with a start. She barely had any sleep, but for some reason, she felt energized. She glanced around the room and found it cleaner than before. That’s right, Sana thought. I was cleaning until late last night.

Though why she felt the sudden need to clean then, she didn’t know. Beside her, the bed was empty. The Japanese turned to look at the clock on their bedside table. It was already past noon. How long had she been cleaning the night before? She asked herself.

She got up, put a cardigan on, and walked out of the room and into the kitchen.

There was a plate of toast and eggs and a note from Dahyun. Going to the studio. Be back by tonight. Sana pouted at the note and tossed it to the side. She sat there, eating her breakfast, with a pout on her face.

How could she go out on a day like this? She remained sulking on her own when her phone rang. Hoping that it was her girlfriend, she answered it without looking at who it was. She felt a pang of disappointment when an automated voice of a marketing employee played through her phone. She hung up without letting it finish. With a heavy heart, she went on to get dressed for the day.

Though she was ready to go out, she didn’t have anything particular she had to do. She had set aside the day for her and Dahyun to spend. Though they didn’t discuss any plans, she was confident that the younger one would realize that she’d want to spend it with her.

Sana called up Nayeon and Jeongyeon but neither answered. As usual. She tried to reach out to Momo and Mina as well, but it went directly to voicemail. Tzuyu was busy as usual, spending time at the hospital, the work of a theriogenologist always keeping her busy. Everybody else seemed to be going on with their lives, too preoccupied to cater to her selfish want of a company. She had just woken up, but the day felt so long already. Now, being in her one bedroom apartment somehow felt too big for her. She felt alone for a long time in a while.

Unable to contain herself in the confines of her home, Sana wandered the streets of Seoul. The people passing by seemed like a blur to her. It was then that she came to terms with her own life. For what she was doing and why she was doing it, she had forgotten. All the distant memories of her childhood came rushing back to her. She had come to Korea to start anew, to get away from her past life that she so despised. But was that the real reason? Was her being cowardly the sole cause of her changing her way of life? She couldn’t remember what she was like back in Japan. The people she befriended, the teachers she had, her neighbors, even her parents, they seemed like distant people from a far off memory. It was like she was looking at someone else’s life from a two-way mirror. She could see through it, but the other world couldn’t see her.

That world, the one she left behind without hesitation, seemed so precious. She had a good childhood, parents that loved her, a friend that she had fun with. That incident with Eunha, to her now, as she walked those Seoul streets, seemed so trivial. Why had she gotten so worked up over a misunderstanding? Why did she leave the life she loved so much?

As she walked those streets alone, she realized that the people around her all had someone next to them. Whether it be a loved one, a friend, or a family, they weren’t walking alone like she was. The weather was cold so everybody had on a coat, or a scarf. Seeing those people looking warm, she realized how utterly cold she was. She went out and didn’t even bother bringing a coat with her. Panic started to rise up within her.

Why did she pick Korea as a country to go to? It could’ve been Taiwan, or China, or even Hong Kong. Why Korea? She didn’t know anything about the country or its language. She spent months in an online language course just to be able to go through a normal conversation. She couldn’t remember the reasons for her dedication. Running away from her life seemed like a baseless reason that no longer held any meaning.

It wasn’t like she was regretting her decision, but the fact that she could not recall her reasons made her frustrated. When she was younger, she dreamed of becoming a singer. Her and Eunha always sang melodies in their rooms and covered dances from various artists. But she never pursued that line of career. It wasn’t that she didn’t have any motivation. She just didn’t find it necessary to. Was she merely not content with her life that she felt the need to start over?

Sana must’ve walked aimlessly longer than she expected, because the next thing she knew, she was in an unfamiliar place. The faces of the people passing by seemed different, like she was in an entirely different country. Somehow, it reminded her of Japan. The narrow streets, the middle-aged men in their white collared uniforms walking home from work, the taiyaki stand on the side of the street. It all brought her back home. It felt like her life in Korea was all a dream, and she had been daydreaming all these years.

Sana couldn’t explain her current emotions.

Her thoughts were interrupted when somebody bumped into her. A little girl of about 7 years old, tumbled to the ground just in front of her. She crouched down to her level with a worried look.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

The little girl looked up at her and smiled. “Yeah. It doesn’t hurt.” She got up on her own and patted the dust on her skirt. Her little nose was pink from the cold. “Unnie, are you lost?” the little girl asked, quite unexpectedly.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been standing there for a long time. Do you need help getting home?”

The little girl looked seriously concerned. Her eyebrows came together and she kept her sight on her. Sana smiled at her and shook her head, “No, I was just thinking. That’s all.”

“Hmm. My mom said that if I ever get lost, I shouldn’t move. She would come running to me. I thought maybe you were doing the same.”

Before she could say anything back, the little girl’s mother came running towards her. “Yerim, what did I say about running off?” She bent down to inspect her daughter if she’d gotten hurt. She then looked up at Sana and gave a light bow of her head. With that, the two walked off in the distance, leaving the Japanese staring at their backs until they blended in with the crowd.

The girl didn’t seem far off. Sana did feel lost. Oddly so. And she didn’t know how to get back home, to the home that she knew. Where that may be, it felt like it was starting to dissipate. It felt out of reach.

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