By the third day after Ryeowook’s leaving, the tears finally stopped. Kyuhyun instead woke up to the urge to puke. After every meal, he would find his way to the bathroom, unable to hold down even a morsel.

The doctor gave him medicine, but it hardly helped. Vitamins and nutritional drinks became the norm. He found it took twice as long to get ready for work nowadays, which was frustrating. Kyuhyun tried to get up and rush through his morning routine, but even then, it still took longer than it used to.

Sometime in those two weeks, he arrived home to find half the stuff missing and wondered if he had been robbed. Only then did he stop and think. Of course it was obvious. Ryeowook had come and retrieved all of his things. The master bedroom was significantly emptier.

After that, Kyuhyun was vomiting from the night into the early morning.

Three weeks passed by before the need to puke passed. Solid foods slowly came back into his diet, but he wasn’t nearly as hungry as he should have been. Kyuhyun mainly drank wine and chewed vitamins.

November drifted into December by the time he realized what a mess the house had become. There were clothes and wrappers and trash strewn around his bedroom and bathroom. If it weren’t for Leeteuk’s weekly visits, the kitchen would’ve been impossible to even enter. The stench of unwashed clothes had finally caught up to Kyuhyun when he opened his closet and found nothing to wear for the day.

Confused, he went to the washer and tossed it all in, completely flustered by his lack of awareness about what was going on. Looking around the house for the first time in a long time, he noticed the need to clean the bathroom and dust the living room and heat the house. It hadn’t occurred to him that it was rather chilly already.

The calendar was a month behind as the first week of December rolled by. Kyuhyun finally got around to changing it three days later. He couldn’t stop accumulating mess, no matter how hard he tried.

Soon enough, it was five days before Christmas and he had forgotten all about it. In between trying to remember to clean and do laundry, the days had flown by without a care. Kyuhyun was exhausted, sleeping when he could and abstaining from any outings besides work. There was no point in going out when he could barely keep his eyes open during the day. Only when Leeteuk and Kangin brought over the kids to celebrate Christmas and bake goods did he realize that the holiday season was in full-swing.

He watched them absently as they giggled and put twinkling ornaments on the tree. Kyuhyun idly wondered if he would finally be able to sign those divorce papers and send them off to Ryeowook. Just the thought of his name sent a jolt through Kyuhyun’s body, adrenaline spiking his blood like the sweetest, forgotten addiction. It was both relentlessly painful and coaxingly warm.

Shaking his head, he would dismiss the prospect, knowing better day-by-day that signing those papers was impossible. Eventually he would have to, but at that moment, he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

He paused, irritated by his own thoughts. Even if I wanted to… Kyuhyun sipped his warm tea. Did that mean he didn’t want to lose Ryeowook? That was already irrational. He had left over a month ago. Sooner or later, a message would arrive asking Kyuhyun to sign the papers already.

The thoughts rushed by too quickly for proper processing, but they went along the lines of a desperate hope. If he could just wait a bit longer, then eventually Ryeowook would contact him again and once they started talking, things could be better again. Kyuhyun needed something stable in his life.

The house wasn’t enough.

The money wasn’t enough.

The wine was quickly becoming not enough, too.

While searching on the internet for information, he stumbled upon a jewelry site hosting a holiday special, immediately wondering if Ryeowook had taken off their marriage band already. The gold would need polishing if it hadn’t been removed. Kyuhyun found himself smiling, but the expression quickly faded out of embarrassment and shame. How could a grown man be fantasizing about such futile, pathetic things?

Ryeowook wasn’t coming back.

He closed the pop-up window, shaking his head and deciding then that he would start going out again – whether or not he was exhausted. A few caffeine pills would change that attitude.

The worst was the first time. Kyuhyun had never had trouble getting hard before. He also hadn’t abstained from for more than a month before. That was the excuse for his lack of performance.

Second time around, he met with mild success before reaching earlier than his partner and then being unable to get stiff again after that.

By the third hook-up, Kyuhyun realized drugs might be the answer. Popping half a dose, he found enough energy to do it properly, going two rounds with a twenty-something.

New Year’s flitted by with plentiful booze and more than Kyuhyun would ever be able to recall. He had no idea where or what he had done until January 2^nd.

It seemed like life was going back to normal.

Kyuhyun hired a maid to clean his house – a brilliant idea that he hadn’t considered for some reason. The nights of solitude faded into nights of hard partying and soft drugs. Some more willful partners would ask to come to his home, but the answer was always a stiff no.

Sometimes, they would question why. Kyuhyun almost always immediately thought that it was wrong simply because Ryeowook wouldn’t tolerate even the presence of a one-night-stand in their private home. However, he would dismiss such silliness and tell them that his home was too messy, too far, or under too much construction to show people.

And so, the season changed again and again and again until Kyuhyun realized a year had passed since their separation. The dreaded papers sat on the dresser collecting dust. Life was fine that way. Kyuhyun barely registered anything amiss anymore and only concerned himself during the nights when he didn’t find a partner – a rare occurrence – and was left alone to his thoughts until the sun rose.

As December came once more, he entered his master bedroom to find something amiss. The papers were gone. He searched for them everywhere. They were the bane of his existence – the last document tying him to Ryeowook. Desperation launched through his mind and body, sending him into a mad frenzy.

Leeteuk finally appeared to tell him simply, “I got your personal stamp and confirmed the divorce. I sent them off to Ryeowook.”

“Why?” Kyuhyun demanded, feeling the dreaded stinging behind his eyes again. “Why would you do that?” he cried.

“It’s been a year,” his brother explained calmly. “You’re back to normal.”

“No, I’m not!” he shrieked, chest rising and falling in a panic. He dropped down on the bed, fingers curled into his hair as thoughts raced through his brain. “He won’t come back…he’s not going to come back now…he…he won’t come back to me…” Kyuhyun breathed, chest tightening until his tears were drenching his face like day one.

Leeteuk simply watched, deciding that now was not the best time to tell his little brother why he had done as he did.

January swiftly rushed past once more. Kyuhyun opened the newspaper on the morning of February 1^st, eyes falling on the loveliest face he had ever seen. The body he had mapped with his fingers, lips, limbs, and tongue was intimately being caressed by a horrendously unsuitable set of hands.

International composer Kim Ryeowook announces his engagement to acclaimed singer Kim Jongwoon!

Tabloids. They had to be tabloids. That’s all Kyuhyun could think of as he tried to stop his hands from trembling. He bit his lip until blood was trickling down his chin.

And that night, he finally accepted that his cycle of grieving had to end. He made a mistake over a year ago and it needed to be corrected. Ryeowook is his significant other and always will be. No one else should have him – is more perfectly fit for him than Kyuhyun.

So, he got down on two knees and prayed.

He prayed for Ryeowook to realize that they were perfect together.

He prayed to be better for Ryeowook.

He prayed for happiness and love and forgiveness.

He prayed for an angel to come and give him another chance.