June 14th. Just a few weeks after his conversation with Leeteuk, and somehow the day had come quicker than expected. Kyuhyun hadn’t planned on actually running into Ryeowook anytime soon, but then there he was, double checking the guest list for an album launch party and feeling his heart constrict at one name.

What is with my luck? He stifled a sigh, quickly running through the remaining names before passing the clipboard back to his secretary. “Make sure all of the name tags correspond with the list,” he ordered before heading into the main reception hall.

The catering team was busily prepping the buffet, while the design team made last minute adjustments to their decorations. Kyuhyun didn’t think he had any actual reason for checking on them, but suddenly his body was thrumming with energy and standing still was not possible. Swiftly doing a turn around the room, he smiled and nodded politely to anyone who caught his eye, but otherwise remained silent as he surveyed their work. Even if they were doing something he disapproved of though, he hardly thought he’d notice. Every ounce of brainpower had gone into playing out all the possible scenarios of his encounter with Ryeowook.

Would he smile? What if Jongwoon was there? Should he shake his hand? Of course, you idiot. Kyuhyun grimaced. Did he say congratulations? Or was that too much? Would it sound sarcastic? Bitter? Insincere? It is insincere. Just don’t say anything.

He rubbed his forehead tiredly. This was quickly becoming a headache that he didn’t need on such a big day. Launch parties were always stressful as investors and journalists alike came. Everyone had to be on their best, most charismatic behavior and Kyuhyun could hardly picture himself acting civil for an entire evening. Although he had spent quite a bit of time reflecting on life, he wasn’t sure anymore if he had the strength of mind to meet Ryeowook. Suffice to say, their last meeting had been disastrous. The very memory could send Kyuhyun reeling for an emotional shelter.

He had a feeling Ryeowook would react similarly. After all, they knew each other better than anyone else, even through the muggy years. Kyuhyun was positive that his ex-husband had poured over his own words thousands of times, probably beating himself up over it. Despite the sting of his insult, Kyuhyun had honestly explored the truth of the claim.

Was he someone who didn’t want love in the end?

It was the main question that stumped him throughout his extended trip. Was love something he had purposefully fought against because it just wasn’t something he desired? But that thought slowly faded as each night alone grew longer and longer. Suddenly, it seemed as if the darkness would never end. The sun would never rise. He felt on the brink of an answer.

He wasn’t sure if love was what he wanted. He wasn’t sure if love was a futile wish.

But he did want Ryeowook. He wanted everything the man had offered him and he wanted to treasure it this time. That was the only truth that Kyuhyun had been able to garner with any semblance of confidence. From there, he had made peace with what was feasible.

Maybe he couldn’t turn back time. But those glimpses into their past hadn’t been fruitless. He could clearly see for the first time that Ryeowook had always been watching him through unfiltered eyes. Kyuhyun had spent most of their years together telling himself that Ryeowook was overlaying an image—a perfected ideal—of what Kyuhyun could be, and fell in love with that. However, watching his younger self and Ryeowook interact more honestly with each other had made it obvious that he was a foolish, untrusting man.

Ryeowook—His Ryeowook—had loved him for all his flaws. Truly loved him. And Kyuhyun had refused to believe it.

There were still many things Kyuhyun treated as a game in life, but relationships were no longer even touchable. The mere idea made him nauseated. He hadn’t played anyone but himself. And in doing so, he had hurt more than enough people.

A hand tapped his shoulder, jerking him out of his reverie. “Mr. Cho, all the guests name tags have been accounted for. There’s a call from headquarters,” his secretary reported, offering him a phone.

Kyuhyun blindly took it, answering. You can get through one evening. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.

The party was in full swing by 7pm. Guests had slowed to a trickle and the main introductions had been completed without a hitch. Kyuhyun still eyed the door warily, but was otherwise preoccupied with greeting each important attendee. Given the fame and breadth of the artist being celebrated, Kyuhyun knew he would be in for an incredibly social evening. Usually, he would blow off the stress of such an evening by finding a pretty stranger for the night, but the idea made him hesitate now.

Although it was silly to feel tied to Ryeowook now that he was free, it had never felt more cruel and wrong to do so. Kyuhyun knew that eventually he would have to get back out there and perhaps even try some casual dating, but for the time being, it wasn’t possible. He had had enough of hurting himself and the only person stubborn enough to love him.

What worried Kyuhyun as he finished chatting with yet another investor was that Ryeowook had yet to show up. The party was nearly half over and there hadn’t been a single sighting. When he went to check the name tag table ten minutes earlier, there were only a handful left unclaimed.

Did he actually want Ryeowook to appear? With Jongwoon? Kyuhyun winced at the image. He had refused to look at any news related to either of them after learning of their engagement. Some would have scolded him for putting his personal life ahead of his job, but this was one time where he couldn’t stomach seeing pictures of them together—possibly wedding pictures.

“A drink, sir?”

Kyuhyun absently nodded at the waiter, taking a flute of champagne. He sipped it reluctantly, eyes darting around the room. Just as he swept the hall for the last time, he locked on the person striding in. Alone.

Thank god. He released a heavy sigh, only then noticing the tension that had gripped his shoulders. Stretching his fingers subtly, Kyuhyun swallowed hard and tried to urge himself to make a move. Ryeowook was checking his phone while trailing further into the room. The name tag was pinned to the lapel of his navy-blue blazer, while a simple black shirt hugged the lines of his body. After a moment, he tucked the phone away and smiled at a passing waiter who offered a drink. Taking it, Ryeowook headed toward the buffet line next.

Kyuhyun stayed frozen to the spot, simply watching the other man go through and pick desserts. As minutes passed, Kyuhyun grew more and more anxious and frustrated at his lack of confidence. It didn’t take that much effort to just walk, right? He downed the rest of the champagne, trying to shake himself loose of the fear. It wouldn’t go as badly as the last time they spoke. He wouldn’t let it get that bad.

With liquid courage quickly warming his stomach, he took one step. Then another. Another and another. Swallowing back the lump in his throat, Kyuhyun crossed the room, stopping short a few feet away from where Ryeowook had settled back against a pillar to eat and observe the party.

Before Kyuhyun could open his mouth, the other man’s eyes flickered to him and widened in surprise. Immediately, Ryeowook’s entire body grew rigid.

Not as bad. Not as bad as last time. We can do this. Kyuhyun cleared his throat. “Thanks for coming. I know your schedule must be busy,” he greeted, teeth nearly clacking together.

“Ah, yeah,” Ryeowook fumbled for words, bowing his head ever so slightly. “Thank you for the invitation.”

Kyuhyun wanted to tell him not to be so formal, but the words died on his tongue.

They shuffled uncomfortably, but neither appeared ready to just walk away. Could he take that as a good sign? Hadn’t he run through hundreds of scenarios? Why weren’t any words coming to mind? Kyuhyun tried again. “Did you come alone?” . What am I asking?

He nodded. “Yes,” Ryeowook replied, looking down at his small plate of desserts, “I was actually worried whether I would make it since I had a dinner date right before this.” He tensed and quickly continued, clarifying, “Not a date. I meant, I had a business meeting over dinner with a new client. They wanted to discuss some specifics about the song demo I sent them.”

Kyuhyun smiled a bit, knowing that he shouldn’t be getting giddy over Ryeowook’s words, but unable to help himself. “That’s good to know.” He refused to say the next thought that soured his mind though. You wouldn’t be going on dates anyway. You’re married.

“Your brother,” Ryeowook began, struggling to make conversation, “Leeteuk, he told me you’ve just returned from a vacation? Where did you go?”

And just like that, the conversation eased into familiar territory. Kyuhyun allowed himself to relax bit by bit as he caught more of Ryeowook’s expressive reactions. On the flip side, Ryeowook let himself smile just a little more as Kyuhyun’s presence brought him back to sweeter times. That evening, their topics never got too deep and maybe that’s where things would go right during these new interactions.

Before either of them was aware of what had happened, Kyuhyun’s secretary was coming over to them and announcing that the final speech of the night was about to occur. After that, Kyuhyun would be expected to give a few closing words and end the party.

He and Ryeowook exchanged a confused look, neither having realized over an hour had passed since their conversation began.

Cracking a smile, Kyuhyun allowed himself to laugh. “It’s been a while.”

Ryeowook chuckled. “Yeah, it has.”

Waving goodbye, Kyuhyun hurried over to the stage to standby. His entire body was thrumming with newfound energy. It had been ages since he felt this alive. He tried to replay their conversation, but found that most of it was nonsense. What did stick in his mind though, were Ryeowook’s gentle smiles and focused expressions, his soft remarks and his sharp ones. The way his eyes twinkled a bit when the light caught him amid a laugh. The way he leaned ever so slightly forward while listening or speaking. The way his very existence made Kyuhyun warm from the inside out.

After the final round of applause had been given. Kyuhyun climbed down from the stage, eyes immediately seeking out Ryeowook. He caught a glimpse of the man’s departing backside. Without thinking, he gave chase, slipping through the crowd as fast as he could. His fingers brushed the smooth fabric of Ryeowook’s blazer before catching on his warm hand.

Kyuhyun gripped hard, halting both of their steps. “Uh, how are you getting home?” he asked dumbly.

Ryeowook blinked a few times, surprised. “I was just going to take a taxi. It’s very close to here.”

“Close?” Kyuhyun repeated, confused. Weren’t they currently in the city center? Most townhouses were located closer to the outskirts where development allowed for more luxurious construction. Perhaps though, Kyuhyun just didn’t recall where Jongwoon’s place was. Well, he only went there once, so it was likely that he had poorly recollected the trip. “Ah, I see.”

“Thanks for worrying though,” Ryeowook spoke softly, fingers squeezing affectionately—or at least, Kyuhyun hoped so—around their connected hands. Releasing him carefully, Ryeowook waved goodbye. “See you. Be careful on your way home.” And then he departed.

It had been over a year and half since Kyuhyun slept so fitfully.