Kyuhyun awoke to the sound of his doorbell ringing. It was a Saturday and for once, he wasn’t planning to go into work. Usually, he would do anything to get out the house, especially in the past year. However, after returning from his short stint to the past, it seemed somehow…pointless to continue distracting himself from the true problem at hand. He had stayed up for hours pondering the goal of that demon-angel who gave him the ability to time travel.

Why so relentlessly? Why tell him there was another chance? Why? And nothing in this timeline was changing. Clearly, his efforts bore no fruit. Maybe he wasn’t doing the task correctly? Was he changing the wrong things? Was he supposed to do something different?

These thoughts haunted him even as the sun rose, and his eyes finally closed.

And then the bell ringing brought him back.

For several minutes, he hoped it would stop and the visitor would turn around and leave. The only people who visited him were Leeteuk and his mother—but both of them had keys, so why not just come in? When the ringing continued, Kyuhyun growled and got up.

Trudging down the steps, ready to spew fire at his rude awakener, he threw the door open and choked on the anger bubbling in his throat.

Ryeowook gazed up at him, eyes large and dark. He was carefully bundled up to ward off the last chills of February. It had always been important to him to stay warm. Kyuhyun only realized years later that Ryeowook was particularly sensitive to the weather because he knew of Kyuhyun’s frequent battles with the cold.

However, those worries would be gone soon. Spring was coming.

“…Hi,” Kyuhyun croaked, immediately clearing his throat and looking down at himself. His pajamas were disheveled and his barefoot were slowly freezing over from the breeze coming in. This wasn’t the image he had wanted to present when he finally managed to see Ryeowook again. It was just another reason to believe that fate had it out for him. 

Ryeowook, unfazed by his ex-husband’s appearance, asked, “Can I come in?”

“Always,” he responded too quickly, stepping aside.

Muttering a word of thanks, Ryeowook entered and slipped off his shoes. Kyuhyun shut the door and locked it, eyes never leaving his guest.

Guest? Have we really drifted that far? Why didn’t I understand until now that we are already no longer a ‘we’?

Ryeowook took off his coat and scarf, hanging them diligently on the rack by the door. His slim shoulders barely held up the oversized sweater hugging his body, making him look smaller and meeker than he had ever been. Glimpses into their past had made it obvious that Kyuhyun married a truly strong-willed man.

“So, why are you here?” Kyuhyun asked softly, as if trying to coax a jumpy animal to stay.

“Time travel.”

His heart stopped.

Ryeowook glanced at him calmly. “You’ve been doing it. Time travel.”

Hesitantly, Kyuhyun gave a short nod, before saying, “I had a feeling you were as well. Is that what you wanted to tell me?”

“I haven’t been doing it willingly,” he responded. “The first time, yes, I did what I needed to do, but since then, I keep getting sent back to witness familiar and unfamiliar scenes. You’re the only person who can relate to this situation, I’m sure.”

Kyuhyun sighed. “Let’s get out of the entry hall before we get into this. Do you want tea? Breakfast?”

Never one to be rude, Ryeowook nodded reluctantly. “Tea is fine. I’m meeting Jongwoon for brunch in an hour.”

Rather than answering, Kyuhyun turned and strode to the kitchen. It was enough that he had to hear that man’s name so early in the morning and in his own home. In their home. Stop it. It’s not like that anymore.

Kyuhyun placed the filled kettle on the stovetop. Peering around his kitchen, he was relieved that it was clean—along with the rest of the house. That maid truly had been a lifesaving decision. Ryeowook would have undoubtedly scolded him for letting the house fall apart. Worse yet, what if he had thought Kyuhyun was pitiful?

Several minutes passed before he was dropping individual tea bags into warm mugs of water. He let them steep for a few moments before heading into the living room where Ryeowook was waiting. When his eyes caught sight of the man, Kyuhyun slowed his steps.

Photos of them. Possibly hundreds of photos of them were piled away in albums, hung on the walls, resting over the fireplace, and perched on side tables. Kyuhyun had never bothered to box them up or take them down. Watching Ryeowook gaze at one of their photos was possibly the worst and best thing that had happened in the past year.

Best, because he hadn’t lost all his affections for them.

Worst, because his eyes weren’t filled with longing.

Had he really been able to move on after eight years of history? Five years of marriage? Thousands of memories? Tens of thousands of touches and whispers? Was their bond such a fragile thing?

Wasn’t that fragility caused by Kyuhyun’s willfulness?

“Here you go.”

Ryeowook snapped out of his reverie, turning around and smiling at the proffered tea. “Thanks.” Carefully taking it with both hands, he took a seat on the couch.

Only hesitating for a moment, Kyuhyun slowly sank down on the cushion beside Ryeowook, watching him for any signs of discomfort. If this meeting had been instigated by him, then he’d have a plan. A method for guiding the flow of things. However, since Ryeowook had been the one to approach him, he didn’t want to do anything…wrong.

“So, how did you end up traveling back?” Kyuhyun asked quietly, peeking at the other man over the lip of his mug.

Ryeowook seemed to struggle with answering before settling on the awkward truth. “It was after my engagement party with Jongwoon.”

Never mind. He swallowed the urge to cut Ryeowook off.

“I was getting ready for bed and I thought…,” his cheeks reddened, eyes falling, “I kept thinking that I would’ve wanted your blessing. I knew it was selfish, but I couldn’t stop wishing for it.” Ryeowook shrugged. “We’ve known each other for nearly a decade. Even if we didn’t work out well as a couple, you’ve been the closest person to me for most of my adult life. I guess…I was feeling the loneliness of losing an important friend.”

Kyuhyun remained silent, not trusting himself to speak.

Sighing, Ryeowook went on, “The craziest thing happened then. I met…me. Myself. He kept saying that if I wanted to fulfill this one desire, then I should go back and speak to the Kyuhyun I fell in love with. He said he could make it happen and that it would only be for a short time. He also said I wasn’t the only one with regrets. When regrets are strong enough, they manifest into what both you and I were doing. Time travel. Changing the past. Coming to terms with the future,” he stopped short, blowing softly on his steaming drink. Looking up at Kyuhyun, he tried to smile, but it was strained, “I’ve never heard you be so quiet. Are you alright?”

Was that even a question? Was he alright? Kyuhyun wanted to laugh at himself. Laugh at that manifestation of regret. Laugh at the pitiful shade he had become. Was this what life had come to be? Sitting on a couch with the only man who had ever tried to love him, and knowing that it was already far past goodbye. What was he doing?

Was this even real? Kyuhyun tried to recollect what happened in the year that had passed since they separated, but all that came to mind were hopeful nights and hazy ones. Puking up his feelings and crying until he was blind. Taking pills to get through the day, and taking them to get through the night. Getting high on a rush just to get high on a meaningless .

Just to crash. Over and over.

“No.”

Ryeowook blinked and turned to Kyuhyun, immediately feeling his chest clench at his expression.

The man shook his head slowly, suddenly looking years older. Tired. Empty. “I’m not alright.”

Silence.

“I…,” Ryeowook’s voice faded as feelings he buried many times over dared to surface. Wasn’t this what he hated most about himself when Kyuhyun was involved? He saw his sadness. He felt his loneliness. And then nothing else mattered. All that mattered was protecting him. Making him feel loved for possibly the first time in his life.

But then, he remembered.

He remembered how useless it seemed most days. Kyuhyun had no appreciation. No inkling of change. He was a poison that Ryeowook returned to no matter how much suffering it brought. The addiction was real. And for the first time in eight years, Ryeowook had felt free of it while in the arms of another person.

Maybe this new feeling wasn’t as fierce.

Maybe his heart didn’t burn with passion.

Maybe he still dreamt of another man with an alluring smirk.

But in the face of the past—in the face of the pain that came with loving Kyuhyun, Ryeowook would rather live out the rest of his days in painless monotony. It was preferable and safe.

He wouldn’t have to lie awake warming a bed that would never warm. He wouldn’t have to fake a smile when he caught a whiff of a stranger’s perfume on his husband’s clothes. He wouldn’t have to share a dinner with an empty chair.

Even if Jongwoon never lived up to the love Ryeowook had poured into Kyuhyun, at least they would both be happy.

“I thought that maybe these trips to the past would end if I could come to terms with my regrets involving you,” Ryeowook finally spoke, watching the other man closely. “That’s why I’m here.”

“So, you came to clear your conscience?” Kyuhyun scoffed, smirking miserably. “I’m a box on your checklist to tick off before brunch?” He shook his head, fingers curling tightly into fists. “My phantom…the one who sent me to the past said you and I are fated.” His voice was hollow. “I believed him. I thought this was a sign.” Dark, familiar eyes trailed over to Ryeowook. “But all you want is to be rid of me. When your regrets are cleared, what happens to mine? Do I keep reliving our shared past every night? Do I travel back and watch what could’ve been fall apart again and again? Is that my true fate?”

Is this what I’ve been running from for so long? Was it this abandonment? This feeling of finally watching him leave? Did I really hope for this moment since we married? Why did I want this? What was I trying to prove?

Ryeowook’s eyes widened, his own words replaying in his head. Was that what he meant? He…supposed so. But was that truly okay? Wasn’t this what Kyuhyun had always been looking for? Wasn’t this also what Ryeowook had always tried to fight against?

This exact moment. This moment where he left Kyuhyun behind once and for all.

Was this their fate?

“Why do you only care so much now?” Ryeowook demanded, voice louder than he had intended. Frustrated tears welled up, but refused to fall. “It was your choice to never reach out. It was your choice to leave silence between us for over a year. It was your ing choice to reject my feelings.” He ground his teeth against the torrent of anger and despair whirling inside. “I gave you eight years of my life. During that time, you never once took me seriously. It’s not fair of you to throw your feelings at me now and expect sympathy. I tried. I tried so damn hard for you and even now you’re still taking advantage of my feelings for you.”

Kyuhyun was silent, dumbstruck.

Ryeowook exhaled harshly, standing up and making a move for the door. “I can’t deal with this. I honestly can’t deal with you anymore, Kyuhyun.”

Without missing a beat, he was on his feet and catching Ryeowook by the wrist. “No, please, I didn’t—that wasn’t—I…” he fumbled for words, once again realizing how much he had been spoiled by Ryeowook. 

Shrugging free, he grabbed his scarf and coat, quickly throwing them on. “You know, maybe there are some regrets in life that will never leave a person,” Ryeowook whispered, slipping on his shoes and avoiding Kyuhyun’s hovering, helpless hands. “I will always regret that I tried to love someone who never wanted love. What a waste of both our lives.”

The door slammed shut.