Kai doesn’t know how long has it already been since he came in Krystal’s room. He doesn’t also know how and why he got himself there. He doesn’t also know where Krystal has gone…not that he cares. When he was younger, his mom always told him not to go through other people’s stuff but today, he is seated on Krystal’s chair and a notebook caught his eye.

The notebook hardcover was obviously painted by someone. Kai guesses it was done by Krystal. The only colors used in the painting are black and white. It looks like Krystal had mixed the two colors to make different shades of grey. Its spine is colored white and it slowly transitions to black at the flipping side of the notebook. The texture of the paint can be easily felt and against his skin, the roughness of it makes him feel pain and comfort at the same time.

He flipped on the first page of the notebook and written on it was Krystal’s name. “Jung Krystal,” Kai reads.

As if being summoned, Krystal finally comes back and says, “You really haven’t thought of leaving, eh? What are you doing there? Reading my journal? Having fun?” She closes the door and walks over to the bed.

Kai closes Krystal’s journal in a jolt, making a loud thump that surprised him. “I-I didn’t…didn’t…mean…to,” he stutters.

“I really am such a boring person. I can’t even make use of my sadness as a source of my humor. They say it makes it feel lighter when you joke about it but I really have no fun within me.” Krystal sits on the edge of her bed and raised a plastic bag. “Bought boxes of fried chicken and spicy chicken feet.”

Kai looks at her with much confusion. “So, what?”

“You’re welcome.” Krystal shifted on her seat and made a space for Kai on the edge of the bed and beckons him. “Sit here. Don’t worry I don’t bite – not when you ask me to, of course. Anyway, I saw you were holding on to a plastic bag when you went here and noticed it was bottles of beer and just left it on the windowsill to jump on me to save me. Of course, that’s what heroes do, right? That’s what you guys do.”

Kai sat beside Krystal still not knowing what exactly is happening. Firstly, without any idea how, he just teleported to an unfamiliar place. Secondly, he just saved someone from ending their life. Lastly, it seems like he would even be drinking beer with that someone. He doesn’t really know what’s going on.

“C’mon, why are you so quiet? You were just freaking out earlier and not even letting me think of what to answer by getting freaking angry and pissed real fast.”

“Why are you the way you are?” Kai couldn’t stop himself from asking. He just blurted out that question without even thinking of it. He thinks of Krystal’s suicide attempt, her y attitude, her painting, her journal, and her suddenly asking him to drink with him – for him, it just doesn’t make sense.

“I ask myself that question too.” She opens a bottle of soju and hands it to Kai who takes it from her. “Sometimes I pity myself for being who I am, for what I am. Why can’t I be the kind of person that I want, why do I not have friends – and getting an answer without me even trying anything else to make things go right really makes me frustrated at first then angry and then sad.”

“Why don’t you have friends? You seem cool?” Kai says but accidentally makes his second statement in a question tone.

“I lost my only best friend to depression. And not that I want to follow her footsteps but I think I’m losing to it as well. See, I’m really not a cool person at all.” Krystal opens her own bottle of soju and takes a long sip. Kai fell silent. He didn’t know how to react because it’s his first time to encounter such person. He has always been surrounded by his optimistic friends and like what Tao has said to him, he has never lost anything in life…yet.

You are cool, Krystal. You’ve made it this far and I know you can still go farther, Kai thinks.

“She’s my sister. I don’t know what happened. She looked happy, so strong. She was carefree and had a lot of friends around her. She goes to parties and she sings with her school band mates. When she ended her life, I realized she was stronger than I thought she was – so much stronger. But you know, I’m already done being strong. I want all these to stop.”

“Aren’t you afraid your sister is watching you and who knows, maybe she’s asking you not to do the same and live your life to achieve your dreams? Something like that.” Kai believes that all our loved ones, when dead, their souls are there up above watching our every move and silently protects us.

“She’d understand. Who knows, may be she misses me already?”

“But what about those lives you’re supposed to touch? Your mission in life? Your purpose?”

“All I know are: one, no one loves me or needs me for that matter; two, I don’t want to become someone, I don’t dream on becoming a lawyer or a doctor or an actress or a singer, I just want to be gone. Like, nobody needs me so my existence is already ought to perish. I’m just an additional baggage to people around me. I already need to end this suffering – my life.”

"You're saying that your purpose now in life is to die?" Kai groaned. He hasn't met anyone who said that their purpose in life is just to die. "You just don't live to die!"

"What about you, Kai? What's your purpose in life?" Krystal’s voice sounds as if she challenges Kai. From her perspective, Kai doesn’t look like someone who has dreams. For her, he looks like a typical happy-go-lucky college guy who dates different girls per week with a failing to below average grade.

Kai stops for a moment and answers, "Probably, just to know where do I go next."

Krystal was bewildered with Kai’s answer. “What do you mean?”

“Krsytal, please show me the way out.”