The paper bag bounces lightly on my hand. We spent the time buying things in the expense  of my dignity. I felt like a toddler, like I was somehow unknowledgeable to things like subtraction. I was just glad that I was finally out of that accursed place. I felt like my dignity was crushed when Rose guided me on what to use, how to use, what to buy and how you choose. The paper bag’s weight just keeps getting heavier.

I sat down on the soft chair. Rose was beside me and Jennie was just across me, so close yet so far. The moment I arrived, the orders were already placed in the table, sizzling meat, hot soup, unlimited rice and all sorts of desserts. I placed a cup-measured rice in my plate.

The main course was quiet. It was in the dessert where voices started flying. I grabbed a drink with soft mushy cream laying at the top.

“Lisa, where have you been? You’ve been gone for like 15 minutes.”, Jisoo questioned, straw in .

“I just visited a store at my way out where Rose met me. We just grabbed a couple of stuff.”, Lisa replied with her voice shaking.

“Well, what did you buy? Can we see?”, Jennie asked, trying to reach for her bag.

“NO! I mean, no. It’s not really of importance, just the random.”, Lisa quickly gulped a large amount to cover her loud shout.

“We-well, as long as no harm is done.” Jisoo smiled warmly.

I was unknowingly chewing the straw while drinking my drink to somehow soothe the awkward atmosphere. Their eyes were evading each other, a product caused by 10 seconds of silence. I was regretting my mistake of shocking them with my unnecessary shout. Way to go Lisa.

“Jennie, you got a bit of – um.”, I faced Jisoo when her voice mentions her name.

“What?”, Jennie asked.

“Um, here”, Jisoo placed her fingers at the corner of Jennie’s lips, rubbing the part where soft cream was placed.

My nerves felt like it was on fire. My clutch at the bag unknowingly hardened. The straw snapped at my tight and my eyes suddenly became weak.

As Jisoo rubbed her fingers with a nearby tissue paper, Jennie smiled warmly. She never smiles like that with me. Her eyes just suddenly light up and she shows her pearly clear teeth. My heart instantly flutters. How stupid of me? How stupid I am, for my heart to flutter when the smile isn’t even meant for me? I can’t help it though. Her smile radiates around her.

Jennie, Rose and Jisoo made up a light conversation with slight banters here and there. My heart still feels like it was roped to the ground. My heart dropped and it can’t climb up. Jennie likes her. Jennie doesn’t like me. Why? Why? Why is the world just so damn cruel to me? Why is it that fate just plays with me like a toy for entertainment?

But what am I?

A toy to her

A pawn of a company

A member of group who doesn’t need me

Nobody

“Lisa?”

“Yah, Lisa!”

Jennie’s voice broke through my thoughts. She stared at me intently, like she was waiting for me to say something. I probably zoned out. My lips started to move to say something but her stare. Her stare stopped my lips’ movements. I felt like her stare was enough to make my mind completely blank out.

“Do you wanna grab something? We’re about to go home. The managers might worry.” Jennie asked.

Her voice was just too perfect. It feels like she descended from the heavens itself. I just shook my head at my incapability to speak. She just renders me speechless.

It still hurts though, the fact that she smiles like that to Jisoo. It hurts that I can’t see her smile like that to me. It hurts that from head to toe, Jisoo is so much better than me. She’s so perfect like her.

---------------------------------

It was our vacation. Our schedules are reduced to a low number due to our vacation which means that I get to see her more which is utter torture. I can’t let her see me like this. I hurriedly went to the bathroom to take another bath. I can’t be all smelly and sweaty because she never is. I need to be better than my old self. I won’t let all torture be of waste. I grabbed the containers that I brought from that hellhole of a store.

I was scrubbing my body harshly, evading the spots where I still had my wounds. All the pent up anger and emotions keep streaming out of me like a bucket which was dropped.

Jennie prefers Jisoo over than me.

Jennie is a great singer

Rose is a great singer

Jisoo is a great singer

Jennie raps better than me

Jisoo is pretty.

Jennie is pretty.

Rose is pretty.

Who cares about dancing?

Who cares about you?

Your only place is a dancer

And dancing is more of an option.

“Ouch.”

The harsh scrubbing which my hand unknowingly did broke my skin. A small but nasty cut made blood stains on the floor. I placed the shower head over it to clean off the blood. The wound was just small and barely noticeable but the red patch where I kept rubbing was obvious. It felt like the skin was burning. Stupid me

Jennie will freak out once she sees this if I consider the fact that she’ll insist to put up the bandages but no worry, she’ll probably ignore it.

I couldn’t look Jennie in the eye or I’ll be forced to remember everything that Jisoo did. It’s a kind of pain that is inflicted by others where you can’t even blame them. I was envious. I want to have a connection like that. I- I just want her to at least notice me, to talk to me like she talks to her and to smile at me like she smiles to her.

Impossible

No matter how many products I use to help myself look better, it won’t work. The foundation’s all ugly.

I now feel really stupid of trying to even buy stuff like that. I thought of these regretful thoughts as I walked to the kitchen and sat at the dining table’s chair. I couldn’t help but mull over the wrongdoings that I did. Suddenly, I felt a warm hand tap my shoulder.

“Lisa?”

Rose.

“Lisa, I brought some snacks, do you want some?”, Rose offered a box of peppero.

I grabbed one from the box as Rose sat across from me. I continued munching slowly at the sweet stick as I slowly get back to my horrible thoughts.

“So, Lisa? What are you thinking about?”, Rose questioned.

“Just stuff”, I replied with eyes that were still far from reality.

“Lisa? I know when you’re troubled, just let me help you”, Rose smiled warmly.

“It’s- it’s just…”, my words drifted off.

“Is it about the confession? Lisa we accept you”, Rose suggested.

“No, no. It’s not about that. It’s just that… I’m tired, that’s all”, I abruptly stood from my chair.

I headed to my room, it was still noon. I got my phone and searched for celebrity news to be updated with the latest issues. I kept reading until I noticed that my phone’s battery was already low. I had no choice but to stand up and charge it and eventually kill time. I plugged my charger at the socket and stood up to head to the living room now that I don’t have anything to do. I sat on the couch where Jennie was at the far end and watched whatever she was watching.

She was watching a small cooking show. My sight drifted to her figure and her eyes as they watch intently what was going on. Every feature about her is like a carefully calculated art.

Her eyes drifted to me after some time of staring.

“Do you want to watch something else?”, I was shocked by her soft mellow voice.

I looked at her intently as I shook my head.

“Well, do you want to change positions?”, Jennie continued to ask.

I just shook my head no.

“Well, I want to”, Jennie smiled.

She scooted closer to me as she placed her arm at my back to encircle my waist. She laid her other hand at my thigh as she placed her head at my neck. My heart was beating so fast. Why is she doing this? Does she know about my feelings? Is this a way of toying with me? Am I some sort of entertainment?

Does she know?

Jennie just continued to nuzzle her neck in me as I stayed completely frozen, trying my best to hide my fast beating heart. This was one of the moments I hope to end and not to end so fast. Jennie was hugging me, a thing she usually does with Jisoo.

Jisoo.

Her name forced me to remember what happened earlier and I started getting emotional once again. My feelings made me rid of her hand in my body and get up from the couch. I stared at her puzzled face but I had to go to the comfort room to calm my beating heart. I stared at myself at the mirror, all ugly and haggard. I wanted to look away but I forced myself to look, to see how different I am from her.

I went out of the comfort room dejectedly as I went to my bedroom where I met Jennie.

Undressing

Half-

Oh God

She was facing away from the door. Her undergarments were black contrasting to her pale skin. I didn’t know how long I was paralyzed for by just looking at her. Her hair fell effortlessly from her back and her figure and movements seem so inviting. She’s alluring.

Then suddenly, she turned to me.

Her eyes were changing when she was slowly realizing that I was just standing at the doorway, watching her undress. My heart was beating at hyper speed.

“I-I’m sorry, just continue please. I-I’ll just get my phone”, I hurriedly ran to my phone and my feet hit a lose shoe at the floor causing me to stumble a bit but I slipped my other foot when it was trying to support my balance. Jennie was right in front of me and my reflex forced me to hold her shoulders.

Unfortunately, she was caught by the element of surprise as she fell in the bed.

Our position

Her skin

“Lisa!”, Jisoo’s voice sounded from the door which I left open.

Her eyes, her eyes were judging me