I couldn’t help but to snuggle too close to her warm and soft body, too close for her liking I bet, I didn’t want to say that I was taking advantage of her resting state but admittedly, I am. I leaned toward her, s my arms on her petite waist, inhaled the scent of strawberries and I rested my head on her shoulder.

She would never let me do this if she was awake I bet. She would only let Jisoo.

A few moments after I closed my eyes, I didn’t take notice of the time. The overbearing pain in my ankle has slowed down to an annoying nuisance. The warmth and the feeling of Jennie being so close to me has led me to my sleep unfortunately, I had to be woken up by Rose.

“Lisa, Jennie. Food’s here”, Rose was shaking me.

I was fighting against the feeling of waking up but my blood warmed at the low groan of Jennie. God, that alone sounded so perfect.  I felt like combusting, especially when she lazily moved her body to detach herself while eliciting this slow awful groans. Was she doing this on purpose? I felt like she was lighting a fire inside me. She stood up first before me, the number one reason is because I was frozen at my spot. God, her tangled hair and hazy eyes made me think of a whole lot of inappropriate thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking about my member.

Jennie proceeded to sit in the dining area where Jisoo was sitting. As soon as I stood up though, a sudden, unexpected twitch in my ankle made me drop. It was an unexpected pain which I felt as soon I put weight on my foot.

I closed my eyes as I expected the floor hitting me.

“Oh God”, I heard Rose exclaim as she saw the display.

“Lisa!”, Jennie shouted from the table.

I was expecting the impact of a hard and cold object but instead, I was caught in a pair of arms and shoved in a bundle of cloth and hair as the person pulled me in so she won’t be brought down.

“Lisa, you scared me!”, Rose said as she put me in arm’s length. Her hands were still tightly clasped in my body. Jisoo’s face was stuck in the expression of surprise, looks like the sudden turn of movements was still being processed in everyone’s mind. Jennie was jaw-slackened as she walked to me.

“I thought you were going to have an accident!”, Jennie exclaimed. She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug, it was physically awkward, considering that I was pinning my weight on Rose’s body and she still had her arms encircled in me for security, in case I probably fall again.

“Okay Lisa, I’ll lay you down gently”, Rose whispered as she slowly let me sit back on the couch as Jennie examined my leg.

“I’ll call manager-unnie”, Jisoo said as she brought out her phone. I could hear her low responses in the background as Jennie and Rose was talking to me.

“Just where did you get this?! It looks awful”, Rose was frustrated.

Jennie was at my side while Rose was speaking about the red blotch that had appeared on my ankle. Jisoo then came back to the living room as she pocketed her phone.

“You don’t have to attend the practice this afternoon for the new album”, Jisoo spoke.

“OW!”, I couldn’t help but let the little scream out loud as Rose applied pressure on the now reddish purple bruise.

“Oh, you totally aren’t allowed to”, Rose said with finality.

I couldn’t do anything but slump in the seat. Jennie left the scene to get the food to the living room table so we could all eat together. Jisoo started helping in too. I wanted to so badly help or even yell out that I was full but Rose wasn’t having any of that as she held my hand in place at my side, holding double meanings for “I care for you” and “Don’t you even think of standing up”.

Soon over, a whole bunch of food was placed and the television was on. I felt like we haven’t had this setting in quite awhile. Unexpectedly, with a giant sprain on my ankle and being paralyzed to the couch actually feels nice in the presence of my members. I was eating happily as I held my plate in one hand and chopsticks in another as the sound of the television was blaring in the background.

‘I’m super pumped for our first alum”, Jisoo said.

“Yeah me too”, Jennie stated.

I too was pumped. I am loving the fact that we were finally going to have our first alum in the span of 1 month. I feel like it’s too long but sometimes I grow anxious because I don’t think they’ll like me in the new album especially when once again, I provide unsatisfactory results.

“Hey Lisa, here”, Rose handed me wrapped chocolate.

“It’s for you to keep while we go practice.”, Rose smiled.

“Yeah, thanks”, I replied.

---------

I was left alone in the dorm. Awhile ago, manager-unnie came to check up on me. Now, my ankle was wrapped in bandages and an ice pack was placed on top of it. Besides that, she also scolded us for 30 minutes for going out. Now we were practically grounded till next week. For now, manager-unnie will come pick us and drop us whenever we need to go in the company’s premises.

For now, I was stuck at the dorm forced to watch television. I was bored and I already ate what Rose had given me to effectively kill my time. I took my phone from my side. I opened the latest articles in showbiz and watched some videos regarding showbiz news. The television was still blaring in the background.

Unexpectedly, my phone started vibrating with a notification. I was under the impression that an artist I was following was doing a V-live, wrong, so very, very wrong. Jennie and Jisoo was doing one in the practice room. I could see the background clear as day and I could see the smiles in their faces as painful as daggers. I know that they didn’t really need me but this was plain shoving it to my face.

I guess they didn’t want to send this as an immediate message but the act just plainly sends that message away. I know that I’m not needed. Everyone dances, Jennie raps better than me, Rose sings better than me and Jisoo will forever be prettier than me. I have no purpose. There is no need for me in a group so perfect already. I’m a burden. This must be God’s message as I was left at the dorm, unable to stand and watching television while my members practice to perform the next album.

Jennie and Jisoo’s happiness was sending waves of negative energy in me. I feel like I want to stab myself. My heart was heavy. Jisoo’s arm around Jennie was giving me scratches at my neck. Jennie’s stare at Jisoo made me realize how worthless I am. She doesn’t even look at my way, how can she make such a stare at her? It hurts, it hurts that I will forever remain as a slave to her. How can it be that one word from her and I’ll stand with this unbearable pain to get water from her?

“Stop”, I whispered uncontrollably.

Jennie kissed Jisoo’s cheek. She never does that to me willingly. When I playfully kiss her cheek, she backs away with a smile but still, she backs away. She only kisses me behind the cameras. To see Jennie acting so warm with Jisoo made me sick all over again. I felt like I got burned, scorched. My heart was drowning, it felt so heavy against my chest and my skin was tingling. Unknowingly, a foreign object crossed my face, slowly touching me. Tears, I was crying. I felt like the tears were caressing my face.

I wanted to shut my phone off but I forced myself to watch. I prevented my shivering hand to press the “lock screen” button. I needed to watch this for my own betterment. I needed to watch this so never again will I have those craving thoughts of Jennie with me, walking on the beach or just us simply chatting in the living room at night. I needed to wake up. This is the reality. I live in the reality, where I am trash and the girl I love doesn’t even swing my way.

I slumped in the chair as I gave up. I placed the still-playing phone on the table as I just stared at the ceiling. No. This wasn’t right. I needed to do something so I’ll remember this day and keep away from Jennie, keep away from inappropriate thoughts and keep away from any tendencies where I show my real feelings.

I stood up.

Despite the pain, I forced myself to stand up. I could feel myself sitting back down again but I pushed myself more. I forced myself to harden my stance. The tears in my eyes were freely flowing now. More and more, I passed my weight to my injured foot. More and more, I was hurt. More and more, I was crying. More and more, I was awakening to this reality I was facing.

“Stand, Lisa, Stand!”, I shouted to myself as sobs were freely escaping my mouth.

I felt like my bone was being ripped to pieces, like something was stuck, like a knife was in the middle of my joints.

“Ouch!”, unexpectedly, my other knee fell to the floor, tossing my weight to the uninjured side. My body couldn’t tolerate the pain anymore.

“You are so weak Lisa!”, I shouted to myself. I tried to stand again. I forced myself to stand again. With shaking knees, I tried to stand.

“Lisa!”, Somebody shouted my name.

I looked at the dining area only to see Rose with a paper bag in her hands, running towards my direction. Her tears were falling as she placed me down and fixed the ice pack that fell to the floor. My ankle was now experiencing a vibrating feeling.

“What the hell were you trying to do? Were you getting water or food? You could’ve called me! I was on my way!”, Rose shouted.

“I was just- just”, I was cut off.

“Lisa, why the hell will you just do that? It puts away the effort of others when they just find out you’re in unbearable pain, forcing yourself to walk”, Rose looked at me.

I felt immensely guilty. Once again, I made a mistake. Once again, I disappointed others. Once again, I made a fool out of myself. Once again, I uttered an apology. Once again, a tear fell.