Hi guys, first I want to thank all those who are reading this. This story will revolve on more of anxiety, angst stuff like that and it will be multi- chaptered.

Lisa liked Jennie. To her, she was perfect, so addicting. All those times where Jennie would talk to her, her heart would skip a beat. All those times where Jennie would say hi to her, her hand was sickeningly frozen, all those times where Jennie would talk to her or , would dry up. She always had that massive effect on Lisa. Her hair that was so smooth and glossy or her lips which was so red even her smooth face will always be Lisa’s addiction. She wasn’t supposed to feel this way because Jennie is damn straight. She isn’t suppose to like her because that would mean she was lesbian and her members will shun her, her fans will hate her and maybe the company will even fire her. She can’t make her members uncomfortable. She can’t have that even if it meant living horribly. Jennie will always have that effect on Lisa but Lisa feels like she’ll never give the same effect for Jennie.

First of all, Lisa thinks Jennie doesn’t like her

Jennie is always in her room (which she share with Lisa)with Jisoo and if not, she’ll be in the couch if Lisa is on her room or at Rose’s room with Rose or Jisoo if Lisa is on the living room, in other words, anywhere but where Lisa is. Jennie always gave hugs for Rose and Jisoo, especially Jisoo. Lisa would always get sick with it. She feels like she would throw up and cry at the same time whenever Jisoo would hug and kiss Jennie or worse, Jennie would initiate the hug. Jennie would always go soft for Jisoo. She’s always give her a better treatment than her. Whenever Lisa would hug Jennie, Lisa knows that the only reason why she isn’t breaking off the contact is because of the cameras and fans and Lisa hated that excuse. Lisa hated the fact that they’ll only hug when there are cameras and talk when there are cameras but in reality, whenever Lisa talks, Jennie responds little. Why does Jennie hate her so much? Is it because she can’t sing notes as high as her? Is it because she’s just a dancer? Just a rapper? Almost every night, Lisa would turn away from Rose and cry out her eyes thinking that she was never meant for Blackpink and that she was never meant to be a member. Sometimes, Lisa would dream of what the instances are if she debuted in another group just to avoid hurting. A group where maybe her members would interact with her more.

(italicized words- thoughts)

“Lisa?”, A raspy voice asked out in the darkness. God, just from those words you can already recognize Rose and you can also recognize just how good her voice is.

“Lisa?”, She asks out again but every part of Lisa has gone numb at the realization, I really am not good enough

“Lisa, I’m worried”, she asks again loud and clear……… That’s why Jennie hates me because I don’t have a voice like Rose’s, Jisoo’s or hers.

“Lisa!” Rose spoke louder as she approached Lisa. Lisa’s reddening eyes were threatening to let down tears.

“Lisa, I know you were awake because you can’t sleep sitting at a chair like that. What happened?” That’s right, I think Rose is the only one who initiates  conversations with me

“Nothing, I- I just. I just ……… I was thinking” Lisa responded

“Lisa, Tell me the problem, everything will be fine”, Rose cooed.

Lisa let out a smile fake smile just to let the conversation fall.

“I’ll just get out of your room it’s 8pm already and Jisoo might come here”, Lisa said rather weakly.

Lisa got out of her room to hurriedly go into her room which she shares with Jennie but she can’t open the door. Everything stopped and every thought came back to her.

She hates you Lisa.

She hates you because you’re not good.

She doesn’t like you and she will never do.

She had to open the door and it took every of her willpower to do it but as she opens it she wished she never did. Jennie was with Jisoo on the bed. They were already sleeping. Jennie’s legs were tangled with Jisoo’s. Jennie’s hair was mixed with Jisoo’s. They were together. Lisa’s eyes were letting down tears. She hurriedly left the room with a heavy heart. She paced in the kitchen before she finally does it. She went out of the dorm into the night to let out her thoughts.

The city was awake with lights. It was quiet and she was alone just like how I want it.

I guess the night will always be my friend.

She was going to get a million shouts from her manager. She was going to get a warning and maybe, she’ll be fired. No, she wished she gets fired.

She came back at 1am and they had a schedule at 4am but she didn’t regret what she had done. She softly closed the door to prevent the members from waking up but something else greeted her, “someone” to be precise.

“Where were you?” she asked.

Jennie. She was heavenly. Her eyes were like voids you can just get lost in. Her hair was smooth and glossy. Her lips were perfect and everything radiated beauty.

“Answer me”, she was lost for words until somebody ran up to her and blocked every sight of her from Jennie. A mass of black hair, covered her eyesight and she smells like roses. Rose. She feels trembling hands on her back as Rose hugged her.

“Where were you? I was worried sick! I thought something bad happened like a kidnapping by a saesang or something” Rose spoke with tears and worry on her eyes. She was always the crying type.

Lisa’s eyes darted to Jennie and she saw Jennie’s face in disgust.

Oh no, I made her mad. Lisa, why did you forget to answer.

“Lisa, don’t just get off on your own!”, Jennie shouted.

I’m sorry

“Don’t you know you might put our name in a controversy!” Jennie shouted

I’m sorry, Please stop

“Stop being so child-like. Don’t be such a burden”, Jennie shouted.

Please stop, you’re hurting me

“You’re damaging all of us. You’re pulling us down!”, Jennie shouted.

Please don’t fall. Please don’t fall. SAY SORRY LISA SAY SORRY

“I-I’m sorry”, she choked as tears fell. Her lips were quivering and Jennie’s body instantly stiffened. Rose saw the sight and of course, Rose protected her.

“Jennie, that was too harsh.”, Rose said and at the same time Jisoo showed herself as she heard Jennie’s screaming.

“She’s the maknae, Jennie and she doesn’t pull us down. She reels in thousands of Thai fans, something we could never do and she’s the dancing machine and she gives us happiness, at least ME!” Rose screamed back.

Lisa was stunned, never had anyone protected her like that but it still can’t erase the fact that Jennie was mad at her and Lisa finally realized what she was to Jennie, a burden.

“Rose don’t, Je- Jennie is right” Sh*t I stuttered. I look pathetic.

“I did something so wrong and I’m-I’m sorry”, Lisa said.

Jisoo neared Lisa and calmly talked to her.

“It’s fine, just don’t do something like that again.” Jisoo said.

The night was too far away from a normal night. This was the night Lisa finally realized what she was too BlackPink, she was nothing and what she was to Jennie, a burden. Lisa finally then realized as her small excuse of hope got crushed. She really does hate me, I mean, she never shouts to anyone but me.

That night was the night Lisa realized that she had to bury this feelings.