I hadn't realised I'd fallen asleep until I woke up, suffocating under my blanket of shame. When had I become this person, so cut off from everyone that any sign of moving on or expanding their lives was a sign of a personal insult. I just wanted to be a part of it all, but I knew I had gone about it the wrong way. I was getting far too used to waking up feeling guilty. I reached out from beneath my blanket and fumbled about, feeling for my phone until the cold metal came into contact with my hand. I brought it to my face, sliding my thumb across the faces that stared back. I scrolled through my latest call list, selecting the unsaved number and waited in anticipation as it rung.

The ringing clicked off as he picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"It's Rosalie"

"Oh hey Rosalie. I didn't expect to hear from you so soon"

I could hear the gentle sounds of him pottering around in his flat.

"Is this a bad time?" I pressed the phone to my ear, nibbling on the skin of my index finger. This was to be the first of many awkward conversations of the night.

"No I'm just-give me a second" He moved about a bit more, the rustle of his clothes ticking the line before it settled, "I'm lying on my bed. Shoot"

 "I wanted to apologise for how I acted earlier" 

"It''s not even a thing. Don't worry about it"

"It's not, Kris. You were being really nice to me and I was rude to you and I made a complete fool out of myself so I need to apologise" He was quite on his side of the phone.

"I forgive you Rosalie"

"I haven't actually said sorry yet"

"Well say it" He was teasing me now. 

"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny"

"I just don't see it as a big deal. Plus, you called me to apologise. That signifies guilt right?"

"Right"

"So?"

"I'm sorry for being so rude to you earlier"

"I forgive you. Now tell me the real reason you're calling? Was it just so you could hear my voice again?" I gasped incredulously, trying to conceal my laughter. He had managed to change my ty mood by being his cheeky self and while I wanted to hate it, it was entertaining. 

"Oh absolutely!" I exagerrated, "I couldn't possibly live without hearing your voice at least once an hour, strange man I only just met yesterday"

"Ouch! Where did you learn to be so cruel" he laughed down the phone. I wondered if he was lying on his bed the same as me. It would be a weird coincidence. We joked around for a bit as it seemed rude to end the conversation so soon. It felt weird to talk to freely with someone I barely knew but we skated over personal subjects and settled for teasing each other. When we bid each other goodnight, I felt that I had gained enough courage to speak to my sister, who was probably enjoying a nice family dinner downstairs. Swallowing my pride, I made my way downstairs.

"Sophie, can we talk?" Everyone seated at the dining table was watching me, undoubtedly doing their best not to comment on  my behaviour earlier. Sophie nodded and placed her cutley beside her plate and stood up. 

"Let's go to my room" I followed Sophie up the stairs and towards her childhood bedroom, tail between my legs. I hadn't been in there since my surrogacy outburst so it made sense that I associated it with embarassing myself. I paused in the doorway, not sure whether I was ready to embarass myself again.

"Just come in" Sophie beckoned. She had settled cross legged on her bed and was watching me. She was watching me calming as I did everything in my power not to look at her. This was the second apology I needed to get out. 

"Rosie"

"Please don't call me Rosie. I'm not Rosie and everything isn't coming up Rosie. If anything, I'm ruining it" I implored, fiddling with my shirt hem. I suddenly found my buttons incredibly fascinating. 

"Ok, I'm sorry for calling you Rosie. What do you want to talk about?" I wandered around the room, straightening out the decor. I could feel here eyes following me around the room but I needed to find the words in my own time. How could I apologise for what I had done? I had lashed out because I was hurt and wanted everyone else to hurt with me, but that never worked. If anything, it made me hurt more. 

"Rose?"

"Sophie, I messed up. Stuff is going on around me and I'm not handling it well. Stuff that's not even about me, everything is changing but-" I pressed my nails into my palms, still refusing to look at her. I wondered if I was making any sense.

"Will you please sit down? I'm not angry at you Rose" I looked at Sophie properly for the first time as she patted the space beside her. I slunk over and sat down, making sure to leave space between us.

"You're not?"

"Look, Rose, I get why you lashed out at me. I mean, I don't get it, but I understand your motive. I know you just wanted to help, but you have to understand why it can't happen" I nodded, pressing my lips together to stop from crying. 

"I just want you to have the life you deserve, Soph. I didn't mean to cause such trouble"

"I know, but you're 17 Rose. It would be too much to ask of you. You have a lot going on and you're living your own life. And it's not because you're a stupid little girl" I perked up at her words. 

"Yeah I know I upset you. I need you to know I didn't mean anything by what I said"

"I really just wanted to help you Sophie. I didn't even know about the first ones until a few months after" I shuffled closer to my sister and leaned into her. I hated the bitter taste in my body as I mentioned the first two. There was a a ten year difference between Sophie and I so it made sense that she had started to make a family before I could comprehend the pain that came from losing it. I wanted to be able to support her.

"I guess our family isn't good at communicating" We both chuckled briefly, knowingly. 

"I'm really sorry about what I said Sophie. It was dumb and really self-centred and I kind of suprised myself" We sat for the better part of an hour, making apologies to each other. We knew better than to push each other away in this time of need. My self- esteem and her heart had been through so much in the past few years that the last thing we needed was to be beating each other up. When we had finally finished talking, it was almost half eleven and although I had spent the evening sleeping, I felt more tired than before.

I still needed to talk to Kai about today but as I would see him in the morning, I knew it could wait until then. I sent him a quick message detailing my need to speak to him and adding in the possibility of having breakfast together, my treat, before I settled in to sleep. I hadn't even touched my coursework but couldn't bare to bring myself to start. Instead I laid on my bed and switched on the radio, quietly listening. 

At some point I must have fallen asleep because the radio was now letting out white noise and the moon was high in the sky, creeping through my curtains. An off beat tapping sound was coming from outside my room. I paused, trying to figure out what the noise was. It didn't sound like rain. I got off my bed and headed towards my window to get a better look but there was no rain to be found. Strange. I unlocked my window and pushed it up, just in time for a small hard pellet to knick me on the shoulder. I winced out of suprise rather than pain and stuck my head out the window to find the owner of the offending object that had landed at my feet.

I peered out the window to find Kai standing in my garden, his arm poised to throw another stone at my window.

"What do you think you are doing!" I whispered angrily, hoping the noise hadn't woken my family. Even after my discussion with Sophie, I didn't feel like getting in trouble again, "I said I'd talk to you tomorrow" Kai dropped the stone and beamed up at me.

"It's tomorrow"

I glanced sideways at my clock that read 12:17. I turned back to frown at him.

"I meant tomorrow at school"

"Well I'm here now so let me in. It's freezing" 

I turned to glance at my bedroom door that stood open a crack, the warm amber glow of the downstairs light and the crackle of the tv slipping through. I shook my head and frowned down at Kai.

"My parents are still awake. I'm not getting caught trying to sneak you in. I'm already in enough trouble as it is"

"Then I'll climb up"

"Don't you dare!" I growled, reaching up to close my window as Kai disappeared from my vision. The gentle rustle and scraping of weight against the climbing ivy told me he had already started climbing and would be at my window soon. While it was still tempting to close the window on him, I settled for pelting him with a pillow the moment his head appeared. He did not share the same sentiment as he slid over the window sill to be met with a blow to the head.

"Jeez Ro!"

"I told you I'd talk to you tomorrow, but you just want to do your own thing. Actions have consequences" Kai rolled his eyes at me and brushed his hands over his clothes, dislodging any leaves he had brought with him into my room. 

"So what's up with you Ro? Every time I see you, you're having a major freakout"

I grimaced at his phrasing. I wasn't having major freakouts, 

"I wasn't having a freakout, I was-"

"Looked like that to me"

I threw a glare at me and Kai backed away, hands up, before jumping onto my bed, snuggling up into my blankets. I skuttled towards my door and pushed it shut with my back, hearing the satisfying click before I joined him. 

"You're acting as if I didn't catch you red handed" I replied curtly, narrowing my eyes at the man who was comfortably splayed out across my duvet, head on my favourite plushie. He lifted his head up to study me slowly. 

"And you're acting as if I was actually doing something wrong" I rolled my eyes and make a sound of dismissal. As if he didn't know what he had done. 

"Kai, I blatantly saw you flirting with her. Don't act as if I'm making this up. She is just your type" I gestured my arms wildly, as if I could conjure up the individual of my distaste with a simply flick of my wrist. Kai held my gaze for a hot moment before his face crinkled and he let out a burst of laughter. I immediately felt foolish, having spoken with such conviction.

"Ro, you are just so-"

"Don't laugh at me, Kai! I'm serious" my voice came out whinier than I had wanted, as if I were begging for approval. Pushing his fringe out of his eyes, Kai faced me again.

"And what is my type"

"You know...pale skin, dark hair. Like Han Yeseul" Kai stopped laughing and stared at me. I thumbed the edge of my night shirt, uneasy under his gaze and wishing that I had worn shorts underneath. 

"What?"

"It's nothing. I just...it's just funny sometimes when I think about how much you know about me. The amount of stuff you remember"

"I remember everything about you" I stated matteroffactly. I straightened up, sitting on my feet. I was perched beside him, my torso slightly resting above his. My hair that had been piled on my head in a messy bun had started to fall and created a curtain around my face. Resting on his elbow, Kai reached up and pressed my hair back, revealing my face to the moonlight that crept through my curtains. I studied his face in the dark. It was almost unfair how beautiful Kai was. The moonlight caressed his jawline as he watched me softly, his hand resting on the back of my neck, 

"Ro, sometimes you just make things so difficult for me"

I could feel something in my chest fluttering. Sometimes, and only sometimes, I would catch Kai looking at me with an intensity that was unlike any other. Not anger or hatred, something deeper. Now was one of those times. His eyes darted away from mine, lower until I was sure his gaze was resting on my shoulders. Gently, he pulled my body closer to his as he knelt upwards, meeting me halfway.

"You know how much I care about you" he paused to breathe. My eyes were drawn to the leave stuck in his hair. As I reached to move it, he caught my wrist, placing my hand against his chest so I could feel his heart beating beneath his palm. The tiny niggling feeling that had been worming around my chest was now overwhelming me and in a moment of madness I allowed it to take over. I leant forward, and did something forbidden. I allowed to kiss him.

As soon as our lips touched, I pulled away. A tiny impulse in my brain had sent a red light around my body, screaming at me to stop. I pulled away harshly, removing every part of my body from his. I shouldn't have done that. I should not have done that.

"I'm so sorry" I turned away from him, touching my lips as if his kiss had burned me. My mind was darting, thoughts bouncing angrily against the side. Why did I do that? Why did I just kiss him?

"Ro-"

"I shouldn't have done that"

"Ro, it's ok" Kai shuffled to the edge of the bed next to me and wrapped his arm around me. I was sure I could hear the sound of his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He was embarassed and I was absolutely mortified. 

"It's not. I..I shouldn't have done that. You have Dream girl and I don't like you like that anymore. It was a mistake-" I rambled, desperately trying to fill the silence between us. I chanced a look at Kai, who was staring at his feet. 

"You used to like me?" I laughed nervously, trying to speak over the meteor sized lump in my throat, "You used to like me" Kai was repeating himself, seeing how the words tasted in his mouth as he swallowed them, understood the gravity of what had been said. I had exposed my deepest darkest point. 

"You didn't really think I spent all that time when I was 14 hanging out with you guys cos I thought you were cool?" I giggled shakily, struggling to get the words out. I sounded nowhere near as confident as I wanted to sound.

"I didn't know you felt about me that way" 

"I dont, I'm completely over you now" I blurted out. This evening had started out on the route of an apology but had nose dived into the closet of embarassing secrets belonging to yours truly. If I was really lucky, next up would be a heated discussion about my first period.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. 

"Honestly,"I turned to face him head on, I had already embarassed myself enough today. What was the chance it was going to get any worse than it already was, "I thought you knew. And once you get over the fact the guy you like doesn't like you back, you can get a pretty sweet friend" I squeezed his hand and smiled weakly at him. He smiled back with equal passion. Kai looked at me with sad eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he looked almost disappointed. But the look vanished as fast as it had appeared.

"I know it's a lot to take in, but I promise you, the feelings are all gone. I won't get in the way of you and Dream girl"

"Ro..."

"Please don't say anything. It's not as if you can go back in time and make yourself feel the same way, the same as I can't go back and not feel the way I felt"

"I know" I squirmed beside him. This whole affair had drawn out long enough and now all I wanted was to crawl back into my cocoon of shame. I nudged him softly with my elbow.

"I think maybe you should go" He nodded silently and stood up, walking slowly back towards my window which laid open. I followed closely behind him. As he motioned to leave, Kai paused and turned to face me.

"You know anyone would be lucky to have you. Especially me"

"Yeah ok sure. Thanks mum" Kai shook his head at me. I knew he was still thinking about what I had said earlier, but he was better at playing it cool than I.

"I'm being honest" Kai whispered, and placing his hands against my cheeks, graced my forehead with a gentle kiss and then he was gone.