I waited impatiently a little down the road from my house. I had snuck out, bidding my family a goodnight before retreating to my bedroom and shimmying down the drainpipe. I had changed my clothes, put some makeup on. With the ten years difference between myself and that Jihee, I needed to look older to follow her into any club or bar. I needed to know more about this Jihee before I could settle my spirits and truly be supportive. I couldnt be the person who stressed out the pregnant lady, but as she wasn't yet pregnant, she was fair game. The vibration of my phone knocked my senses together.

"Hello?"

"I'm a few minutes away. Are you ready to go?"

I peaked round the corner to spy on my house. The front door was still closed which meant she was still in there, but I knew she'd be leaving soon. 

"Yeah, I'm just waiting outside. We have to be sneaky about this. I-" I moved to hide from the line of sight to my house and turned to face my best friend, standing a mere few feet away from me. He had appeared out of thin air and he did not look happy.

"Kai?" I questioned, eyes wide with disbelief. What was he doing here?I brought my phone back up to my face, never taking my eyes off him, "I'll call you back" The conversation ended with an audible click on his end.

"What are you doing here Kai?"

He stared back with a similar expression of disbelief, as if he didn't expect to see me outside my own house. 

"You weren't by the gate after school and you weren't answering your phone so I thought I'd come over and..." He gestured in the direction of  my house. I should have known better, there was no way I could avoid him until I was ready to see him. He basically had a key to get into my house.

"So what happened to you anyways" 

"Um I uh went to the library" I lied, in my bottom lip. Why was I even bothering to lie? I didn't need to tell him what I had done, or where I'd been. Why did I feel the need to conceal it, as if my spending time with Kris or anyone who wasn't him was akin with treason. It didn't matter though, because he called me out almost immediately.

"I heard you rode off into the sunset with that new guy" Kai said curtly, looking me dead in the eye. I felt put out. If he knew where I'd been then why did he insist on doing this merry dance.

"Well if you knew where I was, why did you even ask?"

"I wanted to see if you'd lie" I bit my tongue. Now I felt like an . Here I was keeping secrets left, right and center and Kai was just calling me out on my bull.

"Where did you two go?" I didn't want to lie again.

"We went for a drive to the marina and we just...talked" The words felt sordid coming out of my mouth as I said it, "Wait, why are you questioning me? What are you doing here?"

Kai rubbed the back of his look and avoided my gaze for a moment. I took a moment to take all of him in. He was dressed smartly, more smart than usual and was wearing my favourite bowtie. He seemed nervous. Ever so slightly, his hands were shaking and I could have sworn I saw the slightest touch of sweat on his brow.

"Are you ok? Are you sick?"

"No um I actually came to talk to you-well to tell you something"

He was definitely sweating now. I touched his arm softly and he jumped. Kai was basically vibrating with tension.

"Kai, you're shaking"

The sound of an engine nearing drew my attention away from him. I could see Kris's motorbike approaching in the distance. Although I couldn't see his face, I knew it was him. With miraculous timing, the front door of my house opened and Jihee walked out, amid farewells and headed towards a taxi that had parked silently in front of my house.

"Truthfully Ro, I-"

"Kai, wait" I interjected as the motorbike drew to a halt beside us and Kris pulled off his helmet. I smiled anxiously. He nodded at me.

"Hey Kai. Rose, what we doing?" I pointed at the taxi behind us and he nodded knowingly. Pulling his helmet back on, he held a second black helmet out at me.

"Kai, I really want to talk but there's something I need to do, and if I don't go now I'm gonna miss it"

"I feel the same way. If I don't do this now, I'm not gonna be abl-"

"Rose are you ready?" Kai's glare was white hot as it bore into Kris, who returned the look with cool contemplation before rolling his eyes and looking away. Kris really was perpetually unbothered. He was focused on what I needed. The engine of his bike purred softly. I looked down at Kai's hand wrapped firmly around my wrist and sighed.

"Kai, please" I begged, "I need to go"

"Ro, I really need to talk to you" His eyes were pleading with me now and it were as if he was almost close to tears though he kept them bottled up well. He had such trouble expressing his emotions, and it may have looked like that to Kris but to me he read as upset.

The woman was getting further and further away now, her taxi disappeared into the distance. If I didn't go now, I might lose her completely.  I turned back to Kai, painstricken.

"Ro, it's important. It's about the girl" I hovered halfway between Kris and Kai, my better instincts battling it out. Kai looked pale, not the usual beautiful bronze colour I knew him as. He had circles around his eyes as if he had been crying and as I looked closer, I saw his shirt crumpled.

"Kai, I really can't do this right now"

"Rose, we have to go now!" Kris demanded. I forced myself to move towards him, each step getting heavier as I moved away from Kai. I had never abandoned him in his time of need before, but Sophie needed me more. I took the helmet Kris held out to me, and jamming it on my head, climbed on the bike behind him. 

"I'm sorry" I cried, as Kris revved the engine and his bike launched forwards, moving us swiftly away from Kai and towards the taxi that had now turned a corner and disappeared from view. The sinking feeling in my heart grew as we moved further and further away from Kai. 

I had never seen him look so hurt.

I stayed quiet during the journey after Jihee. The noise of the engine made it easy for me to avoid speaking to Kris but even if I had wanted to, there was nothing I could say to shake this horrible feeling. I hadn't been the best friend to Kai recently. I had been rude, quick to anger and jealous. I wasn't the same person he had known before the summer. But he was different too. He was in love. And I desperately, deeply, madly wanted to be in love too. 

Our journey stopped outside a club that Jihee had entered. Kris drew his bike to a stop, parking away from the entrance so as not to be seen. The club had started to draw quite a crowd, men and women dressed in fashionable clothes waiting to enter and pay for what I assumed were overpriced, watered down drinks and maybe meet Mr or Mrs Right Now. As I clambered off the bike, Kris took my hand and lead me to the front of the cue. Standing against the other patrons, it was starting to become clear that the minimum age of entry was several years above my own.

"Kris, I don't think they'll let us in"

"Just follow me Rose. Walk confidently" Kris lead me to the front of the line, under the velvet awning, much to the dismay of queuers. I half-hid behind him, clutching his hand in my nervous clutch. Kris nodded at the bouncer, spoke a few hushed words I was unable hear and let me through the doorway into the bowels of the club. 

The music was deafening, pounding through the rooms as Kris lead me deeper and deeper into the club, the base pulsating through my body. Figures were dancing everywhere, lost in drunken trance and barging into each other.

"How did you get us in here so easily?" I asked, peering over the edge of the VIP section to look down at the rest of the club goers. I felt special up here, above the 'commoners'. Kris laughed softly and leaned in close to be heard above the noise.

"I own this place"

Before I could even query how a 17 year old owned a thriving establishment like this, I saw Jihee, sitting in a small alcove across from us on one of the lower levels surrounded by a few friends, both male and female. A waitress walked up to their table and placed a bucket containing a large bottle on their table before leaving, coming back shortly after with a tray of glasses. The group were drinking, talking, dancing. Nothing that be counted, or at the very least immoral enough for me to feel justified in spying. I sat back in my chair, disappointed. 

"This isn't going to work. She's not doing anything...bad"

I turned to Kris who was reclining against the leather couch, glasping a glass in his hand. He caught me staring and took another sip. He offered it to me, but I turned my nose up at it. I couldn't lose my senses right now.

"It's water, relax. You know, I might be able to help you if I knew what you were looking for"

I frowned at him and turned to watch Jihee again. She was talking to a man, their bodies close now. A boyfriend? A lover? This just meant she had a social life, seemingly more than me right now. I felt the space beside me sag, and turned to see Kris sitting next to me, intently watching their table too.

"What did she do?"

"Nothing yet. I just have to be sure that if she does she doesn't screw my family over" I peered at him from the corner of my eye. Though his face was mostly covered my his cap and the hood he was pulled over it, I could just about make out his features. His skin was pale, a stark contrast to the deep black eyes that looked as if they could stare into my soul.

"I know I'm good looking. You don't have to stare"

I turned away sharpish, embarassed at getting caught looking.

"I wasn't staring"

"So you were looking?"

"Kris!" I glowered at him.

"She's doing something" I stopped, pre-rampage to stare at Jihee's table. They were leaning over something, one by one leaning forwards to the table, then leaning back into their seats. I stood up, phone out ready to take evidence. Kris beckoned a staff member over, gesturing to the lights. It shone brighter in Jihee's direction, enough for me to take a clear picture. I took burst shots, zooming in to make sure I caught Jihee in the thick of it, doing whatever it was that her friends were doing. Again and again and again, the group partook in the ritual until they were done. Something in them had changed.

Checking my phone, I scrolled through the pictures, deleting an unfocused ones. Now was the moment of truth. I zoomed in on a clear photo, one where Jihee was center focus. In the image, she was leaning agains the table, almost on her knees as her face pressed into the table. In front of her where little white lines. My stomach dropped and my phone tumbled from my hands, landing between my feet. 

I didn't realise I had fallen until I felt arms pulling me to my feet. Kris had looped his arm around my waist and was supporting my weight as my knees buckled under me again. I was right. I had been right about her all along. 

"Are you alright?"

I looked up at Kris, trying to bite down on the tears that were threatening to escape. I smiled, wryly.

"I was right"

So why didn't I feel good about it.

Kris offered me a ride home and I accepted automatically. I couldn't be trusted to make my way by myself. I was filled with too much guilt to function properly. Had this all happened because I'd gone out of my way to prove a point. Was the universe playing some cruel trick on my family? Wish for something, anything just as long as it wasn't my sister's happiness and it would happen. 

By the time I reached home, it had started to rain and rain heavily. The lights in my home were all out, except for the security lights in the hallways that shone dimly, breaking just enough light to wander the corridors with. The gentle natter of insects puntuated our garden as I maneuvered my way through the arches to the ivy wall beneath my bedroom. The moonlight gave enough light to see my bedroom window, permenantly unlatched, but not to see the firgure leaning against the wall.

"Ro?"

I whipped around to find Kai waiting for me, partially hidden by the shrubbery. His clothes were soaked, his hair plastered to his head. He had been here a while

"Kai, have you been here all night?" I asked knowingly, my eyes focusing on the shocking site in front of me. He scoffed lightly

"I told you, I need to talk to you"

"Couldn't it wait until tomorrow? You're soaked" He was shivering now, the hairs on his arms standing up. He walked towards me and stopped right in front of me. I reached forwards and pushed his hair out of his eyes. Absolutely drenched.

"No it can't. It has to be tonight" His tone was almost forceful, comandeering. 

"Kai, please just come inside. It's raining, you'll get sick"

He followed me up the vines to my bedroom and stood by my window, water dripping off his clothes as I hurried around fetching him a clean towel and shirt. With the clothes on my arm, I returned to find him standing half dressed, wet clothes in his hands. Kai had taken off his shirt and socks, his barefeet tapping softly against the wooden floor. As I took the shirt from him, my fingers graced his palm. He was ice cold.

"You're freezing"

"I need to tell you something"

"Not now Kai," I interrupted, pushing the items into his hands. He needed to get dry and warm quick or risk getting ill, "Dry yourself off. I'll put your clothes in the dryer. Your mum will kill me if you get sick because of me"

When he was changing into the dry clothes I'd given him, he handed me the rest of his wet clothes and started to dry his hair. I went downstairs and put them in the dryer, stopping in the kitchen only to make him a hot drink. The silence of the house made me feel uncomfortable as I thought about the man in my room. I had tried not to but I couldn't stop thinking about how he looked without his shirt. Kai's body was that of a man. As I had become a woman, he had become a man and I couldn't lie and say that it had not piqued my interest.

Having made the drink, I returned to my room and shut the door. Kai was seated on my bed, slowly drying his hair. I handed him the drink and took the towel from his hands.

"Let me do that. Drink up, it'll warm you up a bit" I climbed onto my bed and crouching behind him, I lovingly dryed his hair, taking care not to knock him as he drank. When I had finished, I dropped the towel to the floor and sat patiently behind him. Kai turned and smiled sadly. I touched his cheek, gingerly. He was still so cold. I pulled the covers open and patted the space next to me as I slid into bed. Kai followed suit and laid down next to me. 

We laid inches apart, so close I could feel his breathe on my cheeks. He was looking in my direction, his sight just past me. I touched his arm. He was shivering.

"Come here" I beckoned Kai to come closer as I pulled the duvet up to our shoulder. Reaching out, I pulled Kai closer, until we were nose to nose. Tentatively, I pulled his arm across my body. He rested his hand on my waist, his arms tense as if I would break. "I'll keep you warm" 

I patted my shoulder and after taking one long look at me, rested his head against me. This was nothing unusual. We had slept in the same bed before, usually top and tailing, we had afterall known each other since we were kids. But I had never held him like this. I wrapped my arms around him tighter and pulled him closer to me. I needed to feel close to someone after what I had seen today. I needed to feel like I was a good person. 

"Ro?" 

"Yes Kai"

"Thank you"

I looked down at him, the best that I could with his face buried in the crook of my neck. Kai had slipped into a deep sleep, his breath shallow and soft against my skin. He had turned his body into mine, his arm drapsed across my waist, skin on skin. He had been so cold when he approached me in the garden, but in my clutch and under the covers, his body temperature had returned to normal. Gently, I brushed his fringe away from his eyes as he slept. Kai didn't know that I had been close to tears, that what I needed was to be held, but he had found me anyways. 

I don't care who he loves. I just want to be the only one he holds like this.

Kai left early in the morning, before my family were up. I didn't see him go. I just heard his voice call my name and a soft kiss on my forehead. When I woke properly, it was as if he had never been. All that was left was the scent of him on my pillows. He didn't tell me what he had to say, but he left his bowtie on my bedside table.

I didn't need to be a 'better' person. I was a better person already. What better person wouldn't do a little bit of research into the person who was about to carry their unborn niece or nephew. Today was the day. I was going to go straight up to her, look her dead in the eye and tell everyone what I had seen. I would take that contract and rip it into shreds like the first snow on Christmas day. I had all the resolve in my head to do it. But I didn't. 

Sophie and Seokmin had settled on her as their surrogate. Even though my mind and phone were full of the images of what she had been up to the previous night, I bit my tongue when I saw the look on their faces. Instead, I offered her drinks and snacks as they ironed out the final details of their agreement. In order to rent out that space in her uterus for the neck ten months thereabout they were offering her a very tidy sum including all paid for doctors visits, pre-natal vitamins and a new wardrobe. It was almost too good for her. I sat watching it all go down, unable to do anything but sulk while I clutched the tray of mini-muffins to my lap. 

I was jolted out of my thoughts by my sister pressing her hand on my shoulder. I hadn't seen her smile so widely in ages. She looked tired, but she was happy.

"I think this is the one, Rose. I can feel it"

I chewed softly on my bottom lip, looking into her dark grey eyes. I couldn't be the one to tell her what I had seen. I didn't want to be that girl. I had gone out of my way to prove that this woman wasn't the right one to help her. Hell, my every action had been to prove I was right, that I should be listened to, that I had known better, but now that it came down to it, it had all been pointless. I didn't want to be right.  So I did what every good person would do. I squeezed her hand and smiled back, hoping I was hiding the truth in my eyes as best as I could.

"I'm so happy for you"

Once the agreements had all been finalised, all that was left was to sign the papers and celebrate. Our house was full of happiness, echoed by the sunlight that beamed through every window. Sophie and Seokmin clutched each other with expressions I had never seen before.

"We should go out and celebrate! I know a great bar in town. Sophie and Seokmin, you go get ready! I'll order a taxi!"

I perched on the chair beside my mother as she made the phone call to the doctor, straining to here the conversation between them. Yes she was thrilled we had chosen a surrogate, yes she could fast track the fertilisation to two weeks. The clinic faxed over the documents straight away and I watched like a hawk over the clunky printer as it printed the last thing that kept my sister from making the biggest mistake of her life. Our printed clunkily printed a third papers that I picked up, motioning to throw them in the bin. Knowing no one was watching, I slid the documents up the back of my sweater.

My mother collected the papers while Sophie and Seokmin signed page after page before heading upstairs. Jihee was already halfway out the door when mother motioned to follow her. I gently, but forcefully took the papers from her, the third pile of paper concealed behind my back, without my siblings signatures.

"Let me" I smiled sincerely, making to chase after Jihee and get her 'signature', "I'll even post them straight away" 

Smiling, my mother handed contracts.

"I'm glad you're being so supportive Rose" She paused, kissing my forehead gently before following after my sister who was chatting excitedly, talking baby names and nursery colours. When the floor had gone quiet, exchanged the documents, holding the unsigned papers in my hand and chased after Jihee. I found her chatting animatedly on the phone. I barely opened my mouth before she snatched the contract from my hands, sparing it no glance and signed on the dotted line and waved me away. It couldn't have happened more perfectly if I tried. 

I headed back into the house to find my family on the way out. I pressed the contract to my chest to conceal the secret. 

"I'll catch you all later. I just need to find an envelope"

They piled out the house, promising to send me the address of the place, forgetting that I was too young to go to the bar and would have to meet them later if they decided to go for dinner. As the door clicked shut, the phone rang, 

"Hello?"

"Ah, Mrs Song, I made a mistake with the appointment date. We actually have you scheduled for the 9th, not the 19th. Are you still available?"

I was alone in the house, no one else would be privy to this conversation.

"Of course. Let me just give you my personal details-" I began, signing my name on the dotted line. My vision swam as I focused on the agreement infront of me.

I was the named surrogate.

"I'm so glad you were still able to make the appointment after the last minute booking change. The doctor said it was an urgent job. The first set of eggs donated..." The nurse politely chatted along, explaining the chain of events that had led me to this place as I undressed and put on the nightgown they had laid out for me. My stomach was a flutter with nerves, scared that at any moment my family would come through the door and drag me home, or worse, that that woman would turn up at the clinic and take my neice or nephew into her drug addled belly. 

"If you would just sit down here" she patted the examination chair, "And the doctor will be with you in a minute" 

The nurse shut the door behind her with a solitary click and for the first time I realised how alone I really was. I was about to embark on a journey that  if it worked, there was no way back from. I wasn't sneaking out at night, or stealing sweets from a shop, I was stealing a child. My body would change, my mind would change, my life and everything in it would change. I didn't even know if I wanted children myself, yet I was giving my body to the possibility that it might carry one that wasn't mine. 

"Actually, the doctor is engaged at the moment, so if you dont mind I'll go ahead with the procedure myself"

I grunted an answer, barely understandable as words, trying to focus on the ceiling as the nurse busied about. 

"This will only take a moment. Just relax your body please" 

It only took a moment before the procedure was over but it felt like an eternity. Just focus on the light, I told myself, restricting my vision to the burning brightness above me. The sound of blood in my ears was roaring, my temperature rushing up to meet it. I felt an urge to stop everything. This was a mistake.

"All done"

I left the clinic in a daze, clutching the paperwork in so tightly in my fist it almost tore. My whole body was shaking, not from cold but from the sheer disbelief of what I had just done. I had done the right thing. I had to have done the right thing. I clutched my abdomen, my body the heaviest it had ever been. What was happening in there? Had they disappeared or were they burrowing their way in and multiplying. Bile rose in the back of my throat and I only had a moment to clasp the rim of a nearby bin as I vomited. The sore taste in my mouth was nerves. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand before searching for a tissue in my bag and doing a more thorough job.

I was going to be in so much trouble. 

This was by far the worst thing I had ever done.