9. Swear It All Over Again

“The caller that you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please try again later…”

Eunji sighed inwardly as she hung up the call. She had been trying to call Jaehwan since the headlines exploded mid-afternoon, but he had not been answering or responding to her texts. He had never done this to her before, and she was getting worried.

“Okay everybody, let’s start from the top of the song again,” Eunji’s vocal coach called out, signaling the end of the break. “Music, please get ready.”

Eunji tossed her phone back into her bag as she glanced at the clock. Another hour to go, she noted. I’ll head over to his dorm after practice.

-----

Knock, knock

“Where is he?” Eunji asked worriedly when the door opened to reveal Hakyeon with a grim expression. She had called him earlier while on the way to the dorm after her practice when Jaehwan continued to ignore her calls.

“In his room,” Hakyeon replied, beckoning in the direction with the tilt of his head as he stepped aside to allow Eunji in. “He has not spoken to anyone since we came back from Jellyfish earlier.”

Eunji nodded. Hakyeon had filled her in on the urgent meeting with their company’s CEO that he had accompanied Jaehwan to earlier. It was not pretty.

Eunji bowed politely, greeting the rest of the VIXX members as they came out; Hongbin and Wonshik from the living room; Taekwoon and Hyuk from the kitchen. They all looked somber, and Hyuk looked like he had been crying.

“We have all tried to talk to him, but he has locked himself in his room,” Hyuk was explaining. “Maybe you could try?” He looked almost desperate.

“It’s not good for him to bottle everything up by himself,” Taekwoon told Eunji softly. “Maybe he’ll open up to you.”

“Yeah, tell him that we are all supporting him and no one is blaming him,” Wonshik added.

Eunji nodded. “I’ll try what I can,” she promised. She glanced at Hakyeon. “Okay if I go to his room?”

Hakyeon nodded. “We’ll wait here. But let us know if we can help.”

Eunji ascended the stairs quickly to the bedrooms and approached Jaehwan’s door. It was aptly decorated just like his personality – loud, confident and colourful.

“Oppa?” Eunji knocked softly on his door. “It’s me, Eunji. Can I come in?”

There was no response. Eunji tried the knob, but it was locked.

She knocked again. “Oppa?” She pressed her ear to the door. “Jaehwan-oppa? It’s me, Eunji,” she repeated.

There was still no response. Eunji was getting anxious.

“Oppa?” She knocked again. “Please open the door, oppa,” she pleaded. “Don’t shut me out.”

There was a shuffling noise in the room, and Eunji’s heart lifted. The door opened with a crack and she leaned in, but he stopped her from opening it any wider.

“Go away Eunji please,” Jaehwan told her softly. His eyes were red and puffy. “Today is not a good day.”

Eunji’s heart broke. “Oppa, please let me in,” she pleaded, trying to push the door but to no avail.

Jaehwan shook his head. “You should go, Eunji. Don’t waste your time with me.” He made a move to close the door.

“Oppa, how can you say that?” Eunji was almost in tears. “What hurts you hurts me. Please, just let me help you.” She gave up pushing against the door and it closed in front of her.

“There’s nothing you can do.” She could barely make out his muffled words from behind the door.

“Then just let me sit with you? Oppa, please.” Eunji knocked on the door again.

“Please…”

There was silence for a pause, and then the door opened slightly. Eunji pushed against it hurriedly and it swung right open.

The room was dark and in a mess; clothes and other items were strewn all over the floor, including his favourite toy figurines, lying on the floor to be trodden underfoot. Eunji could barely make out his silhouette as he climbed onto the far corner of his bed, pulling his knees up and hugging them.

Eunji closed the door softly behind her, and made her way to his bed. She sat down in front of him, and tentatively touched his arm. “Oppa?”

Jaehwan refused to meet her eyes.

“I know you are feeling really lousy,” Eunji tried gently. “But people make mistakes and we all know that. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“How can I not?” Jaehwan replied hoarsely. “I wrote the words, I have to take the responsibility.”

“Which you did by issuing an apology…”

“Have you seen what the people are saying?” Jaehwan exploded. “They are calling VIXX trash! All because of me!” He looked away.

Eunji kept silent. She had read the comments on the article that ran Jaehwan apology and Jellyfish’s official statement. Some of them were really nasty and mean.

“It was stupid. Just stupid. F – “ Jaehwan caught himself before he swore. He shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

Eunji shook her head to wave it off. Jaehwan had grown up with friends in high school who often swore, and such words were part of their everyday language. It was crude and something that Eunji was uncomfortable with, which she clearly told Jaehwan when they first started dating. Ever since, he had been making a conscious effort not to swear in front of her, and also to remove it from his vocabulary.

But of course, old habits die hard. And Jaehwan was not the best person when it came to self-discipline and rigour.

“I’m really trying,” Jaehwan gritted his teeth, pounding his fist onto the mattress. “I really am.”

Eunji closed her hand around his fist to stop him. “I know,” she said softly.

Jaehwan looked up at her. “You should go,” he told her. “Don’t waste your time with me; I’m good-for-nothing.”

Eunji shook her head. “Oppa – “

“Really. You should just find another guy. Someone else with a better image. Someone else smarter.”

“Oppa – “

“All I do is cause hurt and trouble to those around me. So you should stay away. Go away.”

“Jaehwan-oppa!”

Jaehwan stopped his ranting and looked at Eunji. She stared right back at him.

“You are not useless,” she told him firmly, still holding onto his closed fists. “There’s so many qualities in you that cannot be easily found in others, so don’t ever say that you are good-for-nothing.”

Jaehwan looked away.

“And I love you,” she continued gently, bringing one of her hands up to turn his face towards her. His eyes looking back at her were brimmed with tears. “And only you. So there’s no reason to find another guy. I’m not going away.”

Jaehwan looked down and shook his head wordlessly as Eunji removed her hands from his face. She slid them down to hold his hands instead; his were so much larger than hers, she could barely contain them in her two hands.

“I’m hurt when you are hurt, and I’m happy when you are happy,” she continued, the back of his hands with her thumbs. “We’re connected like that, remember? There’s no other way around it.”

Jaehwan sniffed, but his head still hanging.

Eunji leaned in closer. “Let me help you, oppa,” she said softly, squeezing his hands. “Let me share in your hurt just like how I know you will share in mine when I get hurt.”

Jaehwan looked up, his eyes wet as he bit his lips to stop himself from brawling. “I am filled with so much regret and shame,” he said brokenly as tears began to fall. “I –“ Jaehwan broke off, shaking his head.

Eunji moved to cup his face with her hands, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. “I’m here,” she whispered, as she leaned her forehead against his.

Jaehwan squeezed his eyes shut as more tears fell. He abruptly pushed in towards Eunji’s lips, kissing her deeply and urgently. He wanted to forget, wanted to be loved, wanted to be assured – just for this moment before he faced the world again.

If Eunji was surprised, she didn’t show it, but let herself fall into his urgent kisses. Her hands moved to the back of Jaehwan’s head to cling onto him as he lowered them from a sitting position down to his bed. Her heart pounded as she felt his hands move down her arms; his body obviously reacting to hers.

Jaehwan broke off the kiss with a groan, and buried his face into her neck. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

Eunji wrapped her arms around his waist, and slid them up to rub his back in a comforting way as his tears turned to sobs. “I don’t know how to face the rest,” he admitted into her hair, after his sobs subsided.

“I know,” Eunji said soothingly. “But your members love you too. They are not blaming you.”

Jaehwan’s only response was to hug Eunji tighter. “I don’t deserve you,” he mumbled. “Please don’t leave me,” he pleaded.

Eunji’s heart broke. She shook her head, her eyes filling up with tears. “I left you once, and I regretted every moment of it,” she admitted, fighting the break in her voice. “I love you, oppa, and I will stay by your side,” she promised.

“It will all blow over soon.”

-----

Inspiration: The huge saga about Ken writing curse words on a sketchbook during VIXX's anniversary video. Such a downer to their celebrations, if you ask me.