This is the magical thing about entertainment industry. As an artist who works in this harsh industry he’s basically not allowed to show his sorrow nor his problems. The only duty he has is making his fans happy, no matter how his heart is, the world shouldn’t need to know.

Jackson walked to the parking lot far away behind the others. It was maybe the 100th times he checked on his cellphone. But no text messages or missed call like he expected. He opened his text message again and started to type.

Youngji-ah, how are you? Are you okay? You know, I’m sorry for what happened. Please call me or text me… I need to know your condition. Please.

SENT

Jackson put his phone back to his jacket and walked in silent until they got on their van. He sat quietly at the back seat beside Mark. While the others were busy with their own cellphone and talked, Jackson closed his eyes, trying to calm his worry heart eventhough he knew he couldn’t really do that. His head full of thought about Youngji, he had hurt her, and apolology was the last thing he could expect from her.

He checked his phone this time again, and found nothing; Youngji didn’t even read his messages. But, he couldn’t even expect more but kept sending her messages hopping there’s a chance for her to read them.

Youngji-ah, I know you hate to see my texts, but please just let me know your condition. I’m truly worried about you. You don’t have to forgive me, but please reply.

SENT

He remembered how she cried in pain, how the blood…. Jackson sighed heavily remembering what happened yesterday. He pulled his jacket tighter expecting it would make his uneasy heart warmer. But, nothing’s changed.

Mark watched Jackson from the corner of his eyes. He could sense his unease. He even realized his sad eyes on stage of their fan meeting before even though he tried to act like his usual self but he couldn’t really hide it. He, then, looked at the others, and when he was sure the others had their earphone plugged in he decided to talk quietly to Jackson.

“Hey, are you alright?” Mark touched Jackson’s arm, he knew Jackson wasn’t asleep.

Jackson opened his eyes and looked at Mark, he smiled weakly, “I’m ok.” He answered short.

“But you don’t look ok.”

Jackson didn’t answer this time. He knew Mark is not someone you can lie to. He just knows.

“Are you worried about Youngji?”

“To be honest, yes.”

“She doesn’t answer your call?”

“Everything. She doesn’t answer any of my calls and messages.”

“She might take a rest. I’m sure she’s okay. You know how strong she is, don’t you?” Mark said, trying to make Jackson a little bit at ease.

“I hope so.” Jackson replied short. He felt Mark patted his arm several times like he was trying to comfort him. And honestly he appreciated that gesture of affection. Mark was not type who talk a lot but when he talks Jackson felt like he had shared his burden, not much, but enough to make his heart little bit lighter.

In twenty minutes they arrived at their apartment and Jackson closed his room door immediately when he arrived, prevented everyone to come in. He stood in the middle of his dark room, dropped his bag on the floor, standing still for a moment before he threw himself on to the bed. He had no intention or maybe even energy left to just turn on the light, that’s why he let his body laid down on his cold bed in the dark. One more time, he checked his phone and saw nothing.

The time showed at 7 pm when Jackson suddenly awakened by knocks on his door.

“Hyung…” it was BamBam; he opened the door quietly. “Hyung… are you awake?”

“What?” Jackson asked with his husky voice.

“Let’s have dinner.” BamBam came into the room and sat on the edge of Jackson’s bed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m not hungry.” Jackson answered, he tried to adapt with the light that came from outside into the room. He got up and leaning his back against the cold wall.

“You didn’t have lunch today. You will be sick if you don’t have dinner.” BamBam said, “We’re going to have full schedule tomorrow and I know you’ll regret it if you’re sick.”

BamBam was right. He had decided to work in this industry so he had to be professional and making personal problem as an excuse to be absent at work was something he couldn’t tolerate himself. Jackson sighed heavily but he got down from his bed anyway.

In the kitchen Jinyoung was cooking Kimchi Soup and Kimchi Fried Rice and in a few minutes without even uttered a single word they ate in silence. After dinner BamBam excused himself to take an early rest in his bedroom, leaving Jinyoung and Jackson each other with a can of beer from the fridge.

Jackson and Jinyoung were sitting in the dining table while sipping their drink in silence, enjoying the time passed by and ticking sound from the clock, until Jackson broke the silence.

“You know, I’m sorry.” He said, looking down, stared at the wooden table they had been using for dining table for the last three years.

Jinyoung looked at him, “I know.” He said.

Jackson blurted one more question, the thing he desperately wanted to know, “Do you perhaps know her number?”

“Yes, I do.” Jinyoung stared at him, waiting. He knew Jackson would ask the question.

“Is she…” He seemed hesitant, but said it anyway, “is she alright?”

Jinyoung smiled. He might assume it but his instinct knew that he was right about how Jackson feels to Youngji, even though Jackson didn’t realize it himself. “She is okay. She said, she got a few stitches but it probably will heal in two weeks.”

Jackson sighed of relief, took another sip of drink.

“And…” Jinyoung continued, “She said that you don’t have to worry about that. She’s ok, and don’t want you to feel guilty. And she doesn’t want me or the others blame you for what happened.”

Jackson frowned, not believing what he heard from Jinyoung.

“Yes, it’s true.” Jinyoung continued knowing Jackson had turned speechless with what he heard, “She said that to me when she texted me in the middle of the night yesterday.”

Jackson stared at his hands blankly.

“You know what Jackson? I’ll be honest with you why none of us tell you about the project. This is purely misunderstanding like we have said before. I didn’t tell you because I thought Manager hyung has told you before, and Youngji didn’t tell you because she thought I have told you about this. Also she thought you won’t be interested with this.”

“She told you all these but didn’t even answer my calls?”

“Come on, Jackson. For once could you please think this clearly, don’t you think it’s normal for a girl to keep her distance after what happened?” Jinyoung said, he, himself, felt frustrated about how stubborn Jackson is sometimes.

Jackson said nothing. He realized that Jinyoung was right. He could understand that Youngji might be afraid to him, afraid he might hurt her again. But, apparently Youngji was still thinking about him, she still had enough trust to worry about him, didn’t want him to be blamed for what happened.

He put his head on the table, buried it in his arms, while biting his lips and breathing heavily.

How could I be so stupid? What have I done? She did nothing wrong, yet I blamed her, accused her, even hurt her. What kind of friend am I? What kind of person? Why did I do that? She’s been a good friend, a kind person, yet I hurt her heart.Ah… Youngji, I’m this kind of person and you still worried about me.

He clenched his fist; hit his head few times until Jinyoung stopped him. “Ya~ Jackson, stop it!” Jinyoung grabbed his hand. “Stop hurting yourself, it doesn’t solve anything. You just need to figure out the reason why you acted like this, and be a grown up.” He said, “Now, get some rest. We have full schedule tomorrow.”

Yeah, hurting myself doesn’t heal her wound. Jackson threw his empty can into the trash can and walked slowly to his room. But he stopped right in front of his room. He glanced at the clock, it showed exactly 8.30 pm. He took out his phone, looked hesitant for a while but decided to call his best friend.

“Amber?”

“What is it Jackson?”

“Are you free tonight?”

“Erm… yea, why?”

“I need to talk. Can we meet?”

“It’s ok, but I’m on my way to Henry’s apartment. Do you mind if we meet there and share with Henry? Or do you want to talk in private?”

“No, it’s alright. Meet you there, kay?!”

Jackson hung up and got his jacket. Fortunately, he got his own car now after years. He got on his car after finishing his text to his manager, informing he needed to go out for a few hours, and drove off.

He let the cool night breeze blew into his car through the opened window, touched his hair and face. The weather was cool and comfortable; it’s enough to make him breathe a little bit lighter even though his head was full of thought about Youngji. Seoul, the city was still alive; the traffic was still crowded with all kind of vehicles. People were walking on the sidewalk, side by side with their friends, lovers, parents; some of them looked not too well, most of them walked with laughter with their mates.

Jackson stopped at the traffic light. He stared at the sidewalk and saw some people stood around the tteokbokki stall. A couple caught his attention, they looked good together regardless they were arguing while eating the tteokbokki. He smiled when he saw the girl was glaring at her boy while feeding him with the tteokbokki. It was a usual view but for Jackson it reminded him to his relationship with Youngji back then; no matter how annoyed he was to her, he always had this urge to keep protecting or taking care of her. And she did the same. He smiled even wider when the couple hugged each other and laughed together.

Jackson was standing in front of Henry’s door, waiting him to open it. The door then opened and right away someone yelled from inside the room. It was Amber.

“Yo! What’s up, dude?” Amber hugged her dongsaeng. Jackson hugged her and Henry.

“Ya~ what’s with the face?” Henry asked.

“You looked awful.” Amber said with concern.

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