So far, every single pack from the 3 Minute Girlfriend Kit 2.0 had been terrible. Nothing had gone even remotely to plan. It was impressive, even, the way each pack had managed to completely go against Tiffany’s expectations, like they had been engineered especially to not only disappoint but severely hurt her mental stability.

 

After a full 24 hours of sleep, Tiffany put the last pack — the Young Adult Novel girlfriend — into the microwave. This time she was prepared. Instead of hoping for romance, she imagined horrible one-liners, stalking, and sparkly muscles. There, she thought, watching the pack go around and around in her microwave. If she expected , she wouldn’t get , right?

 

The microwave beeped. Tiffany waited, either for the doorbell, or for another broken window. After a moment, when neither happened, she turned around — only to bump into someone directly behind her.

 

“Holy mother of—”

 

“I’ve found you.”

 

Tiffany once again found herself grabbing at anything she could find on the kitchen counter, and once again, it was the spatula. “How did you get into the house?” She pointed the plastic stick at Taeyeon. “Was it through the window?”

 

“How I got here isn’t important. I’m here now. We’re together. That’s all that matters.”

 

Tiffany stared at Taeyeon. Ripped jeans, an unnecessary leather knife-belt, dark eyeshadow, long black hair. “Okay, so which franchise are you from?”

 

“Franchise? Tiffany, this isn’t a game.” Taeyeon stepped forward and grabbed Tiffany’s wrist dramatically. “This is real life. Our love, it’s stronger than anything the Authority can throw at us.”

 

“Okay, no.”

 

“Come with me. We must flee under the cover of darkness while the full moon lights our path.”

 

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany pointed out the window, “it’s daylight right now.”

 

“That’s right. You’re so smart.” Taeyeon smiled adoringly at Tiffany. “You’re definitely the Chosen One.”

 

“Okay, you know what, you can get out right now.”

 

As Tiffany walked over to the door, Taeyeon grabbed her wrist again. 

 

“Please stop grabb—”

 

“No! I can’t go outside. I…” Taeyeon looked away. “I have a condition. I can’t go into the sunlight.”

 

Tiffany stared. “Jesus,” she said finally. “I know what you are. You’re a ing vampire.”

 

“Say it!”

 

“…I just did!”

 

“Oh,” said Taeyeon. She frowned.

 

“Yeah, so please get out.”

 

Taeyeon shook her head, letting go of Tiffany’s arm. “I won’t leave you. I’ll do anything to be by your side.”

 

“What if I ask you to go?”

 

“I won’t leave you.”

 

Tiffany heaved a long sigh. “Oh, boy.” 

 

“I won’t—”

 

“Yeah, I got it the first time. Sit down, will you?” 

 

They sat down on the couch. Or, rather, Tiffany sat down on the couch and Taeyeon tried to sit down right beside her, but after Tiffany pointed firmly at the other end, Taeyeon sat grumpily. Tiffany rubbed the bridge of her nose wearily.

 

“Let’s get a few things straight first.”

 

“Tiffany, we don’t have to conform to the conventions of society—”

 

“I don’t mean that kind of straight! Just, just shut up for a second, will you?”

 

“Anything for you.”

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Sixteen,” answered Taeyeon promptly. “I’ve just come of age and been sorted into my Sector.”

 

“Jesus. You’re a minor!”

 

“No, I’m an adult.”

 

Tiffany shook her head. “No, you aren’t.”

 

“Yes, I am. I am an adult, but you are not, so we’re going to wait until you come of age before we,” Taeyeon flushed, “become intimate.”

 

“Oh, are we doing that?”

 

“I would like your father’s consent, but given that he is the Overlord of the Nation, we must continue to love in secret.”

 

Tiffany fought the urge to punch a wall. “And why are you here? And not in your…sector?”

 

“I went through so much to find you, my love.” Taeyeon’s eyes shone with ardor. “Because I know you are the one, you’re my other half. I hacked into the database and found out that we’re perfect matches. Except your father, the Overlord—”

 

“Let me guess. He forged the records because he disapproves of you?”

 

Taeyeon reached forward to take Tiffany’s hand. “That’s the situation, but nothing will ever change our love.” She looked earnestly at Tiffany. “It’s not our fault that the world is against us. Our destiny was written in the stars!”

 

“…I’m not dying, am I?”

 

“Not if we can find the secret antidote, hidden deep in the vaults below this city!”

 

“Great,” said Tiffany flatly. She pulled her hand away from Taeyeon.   

 

“My love—”

 

“Can you call me something else?”

 

Taeyeon’s face was confused. “Beloved?”

 

“No.”

 

“Light of my lif—”

 

Tiffany threw up her hands. 

 

“Um, Fanyfany? Is that okay?”

 

“Sure. Sure. Whatever.”      

 

“Fanyfany,” said Taeyeon, shifting closer, “I’ve loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you. And now that we’re finally together…this is incredible. I mean, I’ve always known I’m different. There’s so much darkness in me. I’ve never been normal. And I never thought I would ever find a soulmate of my own to love.” She smiled at Tiffany, her long hair falling over her face. “And yet, with you, I’ve found completion. You cleanse all the darkness from my soul.”

 

“Okay, that’s creepy.”

 

“I’ve done unspeakable things.”

 

“I don’t want to know.”

 

“For you, I’ve—”

 

Tiffany stood up. “Okay, well, do whatever you want in here. I’m going to go out for a walk.”

 

“Love, but we should spend time toge—”

 

“I’m good, thanks.”

 

“I’ll wait here for you!”

 

When Tiffany got back an hour later, her hand had barely even touched the doorknob before the door swung open. Taeyeon leapt at her, hugging her so fiercely that Tiffany couldn’t breathe.

 

“I was so worried,” sobbed Taeyeon, not letting go. “I thought you might’ve been hurt. I don’t think I could’ve lived with the pain of losing my other half.”

 

“I just went for a walk. And please, can you get off me?”

 

“I’m so glad you’re back in my arms.”

 

“Please get off.”

 

Tiffany stepped wearily into the apartment with Taeyeon still clinging tearfully to her arm. She didn’t understand; wasn’t the kit supposed to give her what she didn’t expect? Why was it lining up entirely with her expectations this time? Sweet Jesus…

 

“Fanyfany, are you hungry? I have some food we can share.”

 

“It’s not bugs, is it?”

 

Taeyeon held up a ragged pouch. “Tada! I managed to save up all the rations I was allotted this week,” she said as she poured out a handful of crumbs, “so we can share this. Anything that’s mine is yours.”

 

“Um, I think I’ll pass.”

 

“You’re so considerate,” said Taeyeon emotionally. “I don’t deserve someone like you. I wish I could be as selfless, putting others’ needs before my own.”

 

“I’m going to shower. Please don’t come inside.”

 

“Oh! We’re not going to go play baseball with my family?” 

 

“Um, no,” said Tiffany.

 

“But it’s a family tradition!”

 

“You go ahead. I think I’m going to turn in early tonight.”

 

Taeyeon frowned in concern. “Are you feeling alright? Should I stay and take care of you?”

 

“Oh, no! No, please go. Please.”

 

“You’re so selfless—”

 

After Tiffany pushed Taeyeon out of the house, she stood there in silence for a moment, just basking in the glorious feeling of being alone. She showered happily, then cooked ramen — just one serving — happily, and finally climbed into bed, alone, happily. Finally, she was rid of that stupid kit. She could be alone forever and she’d be satisfied, as long as Taeyeon never showed up again.

 

There was a tap at her window.

 

Tiffany frowned. Getting out of bed, she opened the curtains and screamed.

 

“It’s just me!” Taeyeon waved enthusiastically, balancing on a branch just outside Tiffany’s window. “Hello! I’m done with baseball. See? Look at the dent in my bat! I hit ten homeruns today!”

 

Tiffany took the bat in horrified hands. “W-Why are you back?! How did you open my window?!”

 

“Hmm? Well, I told you I’d stay by your side forever, right? I’m here to protect you.”

 

“I don’t need protection.”

 

Taeyeon shook her head sagely. “The night is full of darkness,” she said solemnly.

 

“Yes, because it’s night!”

 

“Don’t worry about me. Go back to sleep. I’ll just be out here, keeping watch.”

 

“Please leave,” said Tiffany.

 

“I’ll be fine.”

 

“No, I want you to leave because you’re creeping me out.”

 

“You don’t enjoy my ravishing gaze?”

 

“No!”

 

Taeyeon smiled coyly.

 

“No! A thousand times no!” Tiffany yanked the curtains closed and speedwalked to the kitchen. 

 

Where was the damn manual? There had to be a way to delete everything to do with this godforsaken kit. Tiffany rummaged around her kitchen and finally found the box, nestled in among her ramen packs. She opened it up and found the manual. Okay, apparently microwaving the manual would cancel all the effects of—

 

“What are you looking at?”

 

Tiffany jumped. “Holy stick—”

 

There, outside the tiny kitchen window, was Taeyeon. She peered in curiously. “What’s that you’re holding?”

 

“N-Nothing!”

 

“Is that a love letter to me?”

 

“No!” 

 

“A missive from your father, the Overlord, summoning you back to his palace complex, thereby tearing us apart?!”

 

“No!”

 

Taeyeon’s face lit up. “So it’s good news? Can I come in?”

 

“No!” Tiffany hugged the manual to her chest protectively. “Stay outside!”

 

“But if it’s good news—”

 

“Don’t come inside!”

 

Desperately, Tiffany ran into her room and picked up her phone. She was just about to dial for emergency services when a horrible realization dawned on her. What the hell was she supposed to say? Hello, yes, I’m calling about a crazy stalker who’s not actually real, she’s from a dating kit that I bought because I’m a pathetic single loner?

 

“Noooo,” she whispered to herself, dropping her phone on the bed. 

 

“Fanyfany! Hello!”

 

Taeyeon waved from the tree outside her window again. 

 

“Aren’t you going to go back to sleep?”

 

“Not if you’re outside watching me!”

 

“I’m just worried about your safety.”

 

“I’m worried about my sanity,” growled Tiffany. “Please, for the love of God, just leave!”

 

“But I promised—”

 

“Go away!”

 

Taeyeon’s face crumpled. “Fanyfany, I don’t know who’s brainwashed you, but I’ll save you.”

 

“Go away!”

 

“I’m going to come inside.”

 

“No, don’t you dare!”

 

Taeyeon didn’t answer. With a determined expression, she began to climb along the branch that led to Tiffany’s window. 

 

“Stop!”

 

“I’ll save you!”

 

She was so close, just a meter away from entering the house. Tiffany didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want Taeyeon back inside the house, definitely not, but how…?

 

Her eyes landed on the baseball bat lying on the ground, and before she could really comprehend what she was doing, Tiffany picked it up and whacked Taeyeon on the head. 

 

For a moment, time seemed to stop. Tiffany watched, horrified, as Taeyeon teetered on the branch — and then wordlessly, she toppled over and fell to the ground. 

 

“!” Tiffany dashed to the window and looked down. “Oh, , , . What have I done?!” Panicking, she was about to run downstairs when something on her bed rustled. She picked up the instruction manual and stared at it.

 

Okay. Maybe if she microwaved the manual, everything would disappear, which would mean she’d undo whatever the heck she just did, right? That meant that she wouldn’t have possibly murdered someone, right?

 

Tiffany ran to the kitchen and stuffed the manual into the microwave. She pressed at the buttons wildly, hitting Start at least five times, and when the machine began to buzz, Tiffany watched, trembling, as the manual gradually shriveled up. 

 

The moment the timer went off, Tiffany was out the door. She didn’t even bother taking the lift; running down the stairs three at a time, she arrived at the spot where Taeyeon had fallen. She needed a shovel, maybe gloves? A body bag? Tiffany went through all the possibilities in her head as she searched for the body. Where could she hide the blood? Would it be traced to her? How—

 

Wait, where was the body?

 

Tiffany looked around, hardly daring to breathe. But it was true. The ground around her was devoid of any blood. There was no sign of a body, not at all. 

 

That night, she sat in bed, under the covers, with all the lights in the house .  “Sweet Jesus,” whispered Tiffany to herself, over and over again.