Tiffany didn’t even blink when there was another loud crash from her bedroom. 

 

“Tiffany? Are you okay?”

 

At the sound of a familiar voice, though: Tiffany froze. No way. She just microwaved the 007 pack; that should cancel the effects of the Firefighter girlfriend, right? But that voice was undeniably Taeyeon’s. Did it not work? What was going on?

 

Fear rising in her gut, Tiffany turned away from the microwave and stared down the barrel of a gun.

 

“Ti—”

 

Tiffany screamed. 

 

“Shh! It’s just me!” Taeyeon quickly lowered the gun, holding out her empty hands. “It’s just me.”

 

“Why is it you again?!”

 

Taeyeon frowned. “What do you mean? Was there someone here who looked like me?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“An enemy agent!” Immediately, the gun reappeared. “Where?”

 

Tiffany took a step back. “J-Just now, out the window.” Another step. “Can you maybe put the gu—” 

 

There was a nasty crunching sound as her foot fell through a burnt cabinet door. Flinging out her arm, grasping desperately for something to hold onto, Tiffany toppled backwards. She scrunched her eyes shut and braced herself for the impact — instead, something wrapped around her waist and pulled her up.

 

Tiffany opened her eyes. “Careful,” said Taeyeon calmly, her face just inches away. “It’s a little dangerous around here.”

 

“You’re really hot.”

 

Taeyeon grinned. “Thank you, babe. You’re pretty good-looking yourself."

 

“Real—” Then, Tiffany came to her senses. “Oh, hell no.”

 

Stumbling away from Taeyeon, Tiffany grabbed the closest thing she could find — a half-melted spatula — and pointed it at Taeyeon. 

 

“There is no fire,” she said shakily. “There’s nothing left to burn. I don’t need a firefighter. I microwaved you, I goddamn microwaved you. I don’t need a firefighter!”

 

Taeyeon held up her hands, gun still in one hand. “Okay, calm down, baby. You’re mixing me up with someone else. I’ve put out a few fires in my time, but my specialty’s definitely in making fires. I wouldn’t call myself a firefighter, alright?”

 

“You’re not—”

 

“I think the enemy agent’s done something to your memories, babe,” said Taeyeon. She took a small step forward. “I’m not a firefighter.”

 

Spatula still in her trembling hands, Tiffany took a much-needed deep breath and finally took in Taeyeon’s appearance: the finely-tailored suit, the shiny Italian shoes, the earpiece, and, of course, the gun. Things finally fell into place. 

 

“You’re 007,” Tiffany breathed.

 

“There we go, sweetheart.” Taeyeon looked relieved. “Are you feeling better?”

 

“I—okay, so you change roles but you look the same every time?”

 

Taeyeon took one last step to close the distance between them. Gently plucking the spatula out of Tiffany’s hands, Taeyeon smiled. “In a way,” she said smoothly. “That’s part of the job.” She reached up and tucked a bit of hair behind Tiffany’s ear. 

 

“O-Oh,” said Tiffany.

 

“Are you alright? You seem pretty shaken.” 

 

Tiffany realized that she was staring deeply into Taeyeon’s kind, brown eyes; blinking, she straightened up in a hurry. “Um,” she said, “yes. It’s been a rough morning. The apartment…burned.”

 

“Was it the enemy agent? Is the house clear?”

 

As Taeyeon raised her gun, Tiffany grabbed her wrist. “Yes! It’s all clear! No guns indoors, please!”

 

“Okay.” Taeyeon flashed her a charming smile and made a show of holstering her weapon. “There. No more guns.” She surveyed the mess around them. “If you want,” she said, giving Tiffany a serious smolder, “I could get people to come fix this up. Good as new.”

 

Tiffany stared. “How?”

 

“Well, there are people dedicated to this.” Taeyeon rubbed Tiffany’s back comfortingly as she spoke. “I break cars, they fix up the cars. I break a window, they fix the window. I blow a building up, they fix the building. They’re very good at it.”

 

“H-How much will it cost?”

 

Taeyeon winked. “Absolutely nothing.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, they’ve never charged me.”

 

Tiffany frowned. “That sounds weird.”

 

“Want me to call them up?”

 

“Yes, please.”

 

Taeyeon winked again before tapping twice on the glittering Omega watch on her wrist. As Tiffany watched in fascination, a sleek screen slid out from under the watch face and blinked to life. Taeyeon lifted it to . “This is Agent 007 calling Specialist HY. Requesting service. Location to follow the termination of this transmission.” 

 

She then made a series of complicated finger movements on the screen before looking up at Tiffany.

 

“It’s done.” Taeyeon smiled. “The process will take a few hours, so what do you say about going for a drive?”

 

Ten minutes later, Tiffany found herself in the shotgun seat of the iest car she had ever seen. The white car was gleaming with attitude, and the seats were made of real leather; they were still parked at the curb and Tiffany already knew this was going to be a very, very fast vehicle. She was still staring in awe at the mahogany dashboard when a hand slipped into her own. 

 

Tiffany looked up to see Taeyeon smirking at her. “Like what you see?”

 

“This is a very nice car,” said Tiffany.

 

“There’s more.” Taeyeon pressed a button on the steering wheel and the armrest between them folded away to reveal a decanter of red wine and two wine glasses. The secret agent let go of Tiffany’s hand and poured out the wine. “A 1995 Lafite, just very briefly aired. I think you’ll like it.”

 

Tiffany took the glass warily. “Um, aren’t you going to drive?”

 

“Of course. I was thinking we could go for a spin near the beach to see the sunset.”

 

“Then are you supposed to drive?” Tiffany watched worriedly as Taeyeon took a delicate sip. “You know, don’t drink and drive, and all that.”

 

Taeyeon turned to Tiffany with a confident smile. “I’m immune to alcohol, just like how I’m immune to 238 types of poison. There’s nothing to worry about.”

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works—”

 

“Dont worry, babe. Hold onto your wine, I’m going to start the car.”

 

Tiffany barely had time to hold a hand over the rim of her glass before the car roared away. Weaving expertly in and out of lanes, getting honked at by drivers stuck in almost rush-hour traffic, Taeyeon somehow managed to get them onto the highway without spilling a single drop of wine from her glass. 

 

She looked over at Tiffany. “How’s the Lafite? Is it not to your taste? I have a DRC in here as well, but I thought you might like this one better.”

 

“A…A what? The Democratic Republic of Congo?”

 

Taeyeon burst out laughing. “You’re hilarious. I like that about you. Romanée-Conti into Congo! That’s a good play on abbreviations, Tiffany, very funny.”

 

“Haha,” said Tiffany uncertainly.

 

“Anyway, how does the beach sound to you?”

 

“I, um, don’t have a swimsuit.”

 

“I have one for you.” Taeyeon pressed another button on the wheel, and this time the glove compartment opened to reveal a neat package. “Open it. I think you’ll like it.”

 

Gingerly, Tiffany took the package and pulled the wrapping open. She reached in and pulled out…a bright pink bikini two-piece. 

 

“You like it? It’s pink. That’s your favorite color, isn’t it?”

 

“It’s a bikini,” said Tiffany faintly.

 

“Is the size right? I estimated, but I’d say I have a pretty good eye for these things,” said Taeyeon, turning to look at Tiffany. “Wanna try it on?”

 

“Maybe not now.”

 

“There’s a changing room at the back of the car if you want to use it.”

 

“I think it might be more important for you to keep your eyes on the road,” Tiffany said. “I mean, generally, that’s how you’re supposed to drive. I think.”

 

“This car has auto-pilot, babe.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Taeyeon nodded. “Plus, Spotify premium. Any song you want to listen to?”

 

Before Tiffany could answer, there was a deafening bang behind them. Taeyeon cursed and pulled out her gun; Tiffany jumped and spilled her wine all over the bikini. “What the heck was that?” Tiffany gasped.

 

“We’re being tailed,” said Taeyeon grimly. “Hold on, I’m going to try to lose them.”

 

“Who—”

 

The rest of Tiffany's question died in her throat as Taeyeon swerved abruptly, throwing her against the door. 

 

“Babe, duck!”

 

Tiffany ducked, just in time, as something crashed through the back window and lodged itself in the wood of the dashboard directly in front of her. She stared at it. “What the heck? Is that a…is that a bullet?!”

 

“Here.” The glove compartment opened again, this time revealing a very large gun. Taeyeon glanced briefly at Tiffany. “Take it and try to aim for their tires.”

 

“What?”

 

“Shoot at them! I’ll lower your window.”

 

“But—”

 

“The windows are bullet-proof, babe. You can’t shoot out of them.”

 

“But a bullet just came through the back window!”

 

Taeyeon nodded before spinning the steering wheel madly, throwing them in a circle, before gunning the engine again. “They have really powerful guns. So we have to stop them before they can get too close.”

 

“O-Okay,” said Tiffany. She reached for the gun, her hands shaking so badly that she nearly dropped it. “What do I do?”

 

“Just shoot!”

 

“How?!”

 

Taeyeon pressed a few buttons on the wheel before letting go of it completely. In a matter of seconds, her hands moved over the gun at lightning speed, producing a whole slew of clicks. She then handed the gun back to Tiffany. “Okay, now just pull the trigger and aim at them. Hurry! I’m going to concentrate on losing them.”

 

Tiffany stared at the gun in her hands. It was very large, and complicated-looking, but this side was the dangerous side, right? And this was the trigger? As the window slid down, wind rushed in, blowing her hair all over the place. The sound of sirens and gunshots grew much louder. 

 

Desperately, Tiffany pushed her hair out of her face and awkwardly propped the gun out of the open window. She couldn’t see behind her very well. “Are there any normal innocent people around?” She shouted over the wind.

 

“Yes! So be careful! Just aim at the hostile vehicle!”

 

“Which one is that?!”

 

“The one that’s shooting at us!”

 

“But—” Tiffany screamed as a few bullets zipped past her face, barely an inch away from her nose. “Okay! Okay! I found it!”

 

“Good! Aim for their tires!”

 

Tiffany had no ing clue how the hell she was going to shoot, let alone aim, but she stifled a sob and did her best to point the gun behind them. With a deep breath, she squeezed the trigger.

 

Almost immediately, the gun jumped against her shoulder, ramming her backwards. “Ow!”

 

“Keep shooting!”

 

Tiffany’s shoulder was burning, but she gritted her teeth. This time she was slightly more prepared for the recoil as she fired off a few shots randomly. “What the am I supposed to be doing?” She looked frantically at Taeyeon, who was still staring intensely at the road. “I don’t know how guns work!”

 

“Just keep shooting at them! We’re almost there!”

 

Numbly, Tiffany nodded and fired again. And again. And again. She had no idea if she was hitting anything, and if she was, she didn’t know if the things she was hitting were meant to be hit. But she had no choice.

 

Suddenly, Taeyeon’s hand clamped down on her arm. “Get back inside!”

 

“But the gun!”

 

“Drop it! I’m closing the window!”

 

Tiffany all but threw the gun away from her as the window came up. She fell back into the seat, breathing raggedly, when she noticed the direction in which they were heading. “Um, isn’t that the sea? Why are we going into the sea?” 

 

“Hold on!”

 

The next hour or so — or maybe it was a few hours, Tiffany couldn’t tell — went by in a blur. Tiffany watched almost as if she was a spectator in a movie. The car plunged into the water; she screamed. The car somehow turned into a submarine; she screamed. The submarine-car sped through the water; she screamed. The submarine-car burst to the surface of the sea; she screamed.

 

“Tiffany, you’re fine! I’ll get you out of here!”

 

When the helicopter hovered above them and dropped a ladder down, Tiffany’s voice was gone from the screaming. She could only numbly cling to Taeyeon as the secret agent held onto a rung with one hand, her other arm around Tiffany, while they dangled a thousand feet above the Seoul skyline. And when they landed safely on the roof of a building, Tiffany fell to her knees, only to have Taeyeon scoop her up and carry her as they continued to run 

 

She was vaguely aware of Taeyeon producing various weapons from different parts of her person. After the bullets ran out, Taeyeon threw the gun at a pursing baddie. She then aimed a tiny crossbow, from her watch, at a nearby satellite dish, causing an explosion that rained down cement fragments around them. A knife from under her sleeve, a grenade from inside her bra, a poison dartblower from her thigh, exploding shoes — somehow, Taeyeon seemed to be wearing a never-ending arsenal, all while shielding Tiffany from all the gunfire. 

 

Eventually, though, Tiffany found herself being set down carefully and maneuvered into a small hole in a wall on some rooftop. She only moved when Taeyeon hurriedly pushed a gun into her frozen hands. “Babe,” said Taeyeon urgently, “Tiffany, babe, I need you to listen to me. Okay? Can you hear me?”

 

Tiffany nodded slowly.

 

“Alright. Good. They’re after me, not you, so I’m going to go and lead them away from here.” Taeyeon gently patted Tiffany’s cheek. “I’m sorry, babe, but I’m going to have to disappear again. I’ll make it up to you, alright? I’ll come find you when everything is settled.”

 

Tiffany nodded slowly.

 

“Okay, good. Anyway, hold onto the gun. I got it off some guy I just shot, and it should be enough to keep you safe for the next few hours.” Taeyeon glanced at her watch. “It’s 3AM right now. I think…wait another hour, and when it’s all safe, get back home as soon as possible.”

 

Tiffany nodded slowly.

 

“Alright,” said Taeyeon, stepping back with a salute, “I’ll take my leave, then. Until we meet again, my love.”

 

Tiffany nodded slowly, then watched as Taeyeon began to lope away. The secret agent ran lightly along the edge of the roof, making good progress — until a sudden barrage of gunshots rang out in the night air. Ducking and dodging, Taeyeon kept up the pace until one last shot pushed her off-balance. Tiffany could only gape, eyes wide, as the small figure toppled over the side of the building without a sound.

 

Almost immediately, rain began to pour from the sky. 

 

There were no more gunshots. No more shouts. Only the dramatic pattering of raindrops against the empty rooftop. Everything was still; it seemed to have all ended. Tiffany was all alone.

 

She stayed scrunched up in that hole for a good long while, having a good think. She eventually came up with three conclusions:

 

1. This was possibly the worst day of her life.
2. Bond girls did NOT have it easy.
3. This 007 girlfriend hardly counted as a girlfriend because what even happened? Lots of near-death encounters and not even one kiss.

 

Tiffany finally squeezed herself out of the nook after some unknown length of time had passed. The rain almost didn’t register anymore, not even when she basically slid down a ten-storey fire escape and miraculously found her way home. All it did was leave a wet stain on her doormat outside as the water dripped off of her soaked clothes.

 

If there was one last surprise, however, it was this: Tiffany opened her door to a perfectly-repaired apartment. 

 

There was no burnt furniture, no scorch marks, not even the faintest smell of smoke. As Tiffany squelched in wonder around her apartment, she realized that even things that had definitely been burnt away — like her ugly pair of granny undies she couldn’t bear to throw away — were returned, entirely intact. 

 

“How…”

 

Okay, well, if 007 was kind of a mess, the team behind the secret agent was clearly very, very capable.

 

Tiffany stopped spinning around her house as her eyes landed on a familiar box lying on the spotless coffee table. She walked over and looked down at it. Then she shivered.

 

No, tonight she would take a hot shower and sleep. Tomorrow…tomorrow she would decide what she wanted to do with the rest of the 3 Minute Girlfriend 2.0 kit.

 

 

 

 

man i have been having some spacing/layout issues, somehow evernote won't paste properly to aff but oh well it's still readable right?? also heads up this is just 5.5 chapters long it will end very soon