BAMBAM

After listening to what Jackson had to say, Bambam felt his heart break bit by bit, it was a physical pain – nothing like he ever felt before. He felt as if he couldn’t breathe and that someone is physically trying to pull his heart out. He could not stay in that kitchen and face Jackson after that rejection. So he ran. He did not hear Jackson follow him so instead of going out, he opted to go out to the dorm’s balcony. The sky is bright that night, lit up with stars. He looked up, tears still streaming down his face.

“God! How could I have been so naïve?” he thought. He stayed in the balcony and cried his heart out for he does not know how long. All he knows is that Jackson did not even attempt to follow him and it broke his heart even more than it already is. He kept thinking, if Jackson could not be there for him because he does not  feel the same way that he does, then at least Jackson could have been there as a friend. Bambam would have taken friendship than nothing at all. But it seems that Jackson had given up everything – it feels like Jackson could not even stand to be his friend now.

And a new form of sorrow enveloped Bambam. He cried for the friendship he felt he lost and remembered all that he and Jackson have shared over the years. Jackson had always been Bambam’s rock, his shield when life gets tough, the person who is always ready to lend an ear when Bambam needed to vent, a shoulder to cry on when Bambam is feeling particularly melancholic because he misses his family, the one person he runs to when he has news to share whether bad or good, the one thing that Bambam felt was constant in his life was Jackson – and now he could not even say that anymore.

It felt like he lost a limb, like he lost one of the most important part of himself. With Jackson’s rejection still fresh in his mind, Bambam could not think straight. He does not know how to go through that night and face the others. What will he tell the other members when they notice that he and Jackson are no longer speaking? What will the fans say when they can no longer see any interaction between JackBam. More importantly, is he strong enough to go on as if nothing has changed? When it comes down to it, does he have enough acting abilities to act as if he does not have any issues?

These thoughts kept running through Bambam’s mind, making his head spin. He sat on one of the foldable chairs that Jinyoung neatly arranged in their balcony, took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.

“There’s no need to have a panic attack, Bam,” he bravely told himself. “I think you have to take it one day at a time.”

So he sat there, looking at the night sky and thinking about how everything could have gone wrong in a blink of an eye. He sighed.

“Life is not perfect. Life does not always turn out the way we want it to,” he thought.

He felt his eyes start to water again and he didn’t really have the strength to stop it. He just let it all go, he cried, sobbed really – his eyes are already puffy and his nose is getting stuffy but he just could not stop. It is like a dam has been broken open and there is no way to close it back. He does not know when it will stop – he does not know if it will ever stop. Everything just reminds him of Jackson, what could have been, what they could have been then he would start to remember how he was rejected and it makes the pain even more pronounced. He is just so tired.

He tried to find the courage to actually go back inside the dorm because he needed to go into his bedroom – he wants to lie down, drown himself in music, cry some more and maybe tomorrow when he wakes up he would feel a little better. Or maybe this is all just a bad dream and when he wakes up tomorrow, everything is okay, Jackson is still his best friend, and he has not been rejected.

He sighed and got up. He does not know how to face Jackson so soon after the drama that transpired in the kitchen. But he knows he needed to get back inside and face the music otherwise, he would have to sleep in the balcony and he really could not do that, could he? So with a heavy heart, he took that first step to go back inside and that one step felt like a beginning to a death march.

JACKSON

Jackson stayed rooted to the same spot in the kitchen for he does not know how long. He kept replaying exactly what happened between Bambam and him and how it got to this point – with Bambam running away from as if he was the one who caused all that pain.

“Did I? Was I the reason for Bambam’s pain?” he mused.

Jackson did not know what to do. He cannot decide whether to follow Bambam to  the balcony, offer his support and let him know that he still got Jackson no matter what or let Bambam be for now. Jackson’s heart is breaking – he could not stand the thought of Bambam crying all alone but he is scared that if he forces Bambam to open up to him, the latter would just refuse to talk to him. He knows Bambam and he knows that if there is anything he hates more than anything, it’s showing weakness. Bambam has always tried his hardest to appear strong; to act like nothing could ever faze him but Jackson knows better.

So even though it was slowly breaking his heart, he stayed in the kitchen and made sure to open his ear so he can hear when Bambam decides to get back in.

JAEBUM, YOUNGJAE, YUGYEOM

Jaebum, Youngjae and Yugyeom entered the dorm – laughing and pushing each other. Jackson, from his seat in the kitchen was jolted out of his trance – still thinking about Bambam. The three went to the kitchen to get something to drink as they were all parched and found Jackson sitting alone, in front of a bowl of half-eaten jjigae.

“Hey, where’s Bambam?”  Jaebum asked

“In the balcony,” Jackson answered, not even looking at Jaebum but instead continued to stare at the bowl of jjigae in front of him.

Youngjae stared at Jackson then turned to look at Yugyeom and Jaebum.

“Uhh, Jackson-hyung, why is Bambam in the balcony?” Yugyeom asked, a little bit of apprehension evident in his voice.

Jackson chose that moment to look up and the three were shocked with what they saw. Jackson’s eyes were red-rimmed and puffy as if he just stopped crying. They did not know how to react. They don’t know what happened but somehow they felt responsible. If Jackson looked like a total wreck, they could not even imagine how Bambam is faring.

“What happened?” Jaebum tried to get Jackson to talk but all he received was a blank stare and a shrug.

“Jackson-hyung, we will not be able to help you if you won’t tell us what’s wrong,” Yugyeom said, trying to inject a bit of diplomacy to the situation because he noticed that Jaebum is starting to get agitated.

“Yes hyung, tell us,” Youngjae agreed.

“I don’t even know how we got from him bringing me dinner to this… he just ran. I don’t know, honestly. I told him I know how he feels and told him that I will always be here for him. He started crying and left,” Jackson said, his voice cracking from emotion and he looked like he is going to burst out crying anytime.

“What exactly did you tell him?” Jaebum asked.

 “I just told him that I am sure he’ll find someone else. That there’s someone who will see his worth, someone who will love him because he is an amazing person. I swear that is all I told him. He cried and ran away when I tried to hug him. I swear I don’t know why he wouldn’t want me to comfort him this time,” Jackson answered Jaebum’s question, frustration evident in his voice.

“You told him that you hope he will find someone else to love him?!” Youngjae’s voice was high, his face red with anger which is out of character for him. He has always been a sweet, laidback guy. But he could not believe that Jackson would reject Bambam like that because he thought that Jackson felt the same way as Bambam. They actually all thought that Jackson and Bambam were in-love with each other.