Jeno was Jaemin’s best friend, even before they got into a relationship. They were attached to the hip. They used to do things together. They trained together and they ate together, shop together, play together, study together- even though Jeno was the only one who’s really studying because Jaemin finds it more fun to stare at his face the whole time than studying their lessons.

They were roommates too. Sometimes, Jaemin would climb on Jeno’s bed rather than his own because sleeping with Jeno is warmer, he reasoned out. His best friend would cuddle him until he fell asleep, kissing his temple before closing his own eyes. 

They started dating on the first month of their high school. Jaemin knew that he was gay way back to his elementary days when he found his male classmates more attractive than his female classmates trying hard to act cute. He was open about his uality, and the members accepted him fully. What he never knew though was Jeno’s uality. He never knew he was biual until the older asked him out while they were having lunch on the rooftop of their school, avoiding their fans’ watching eyes. 

It was nothing too dramatic. Just Jeno casually telling Jaemin that he likes him and asking him if he wanna go out with Jeno after swallowing the kimbap that he was chewing. Nothing too dramatic at all, it was just Jaemin choking on his rice and Jeno laughing at him first before actually helping him. 

Although uncertain, Jaemin accepted Jeno. He was not sure about Jeno’s feelings, heck he wasn’t even sure if Jeno was really biual because he only ever had his eyes on girls before. Jaemin wasn’t sure of all that but he dated Jeno nonetheless because he was sure of one thing. He likes Jeno too. 

 The whole group was happy for them, even their manager knew about it. Their treatment towards each other didn’t change that much at all. They still do things normally, like how they used to before they dated. Except the kisses behind closed doors, the whispers of I love you-s and the extra attention that they gave each other. 

Their families weren’t even surprised when they delivered the news to them. The Lee household loves Jaemin like their own son, and they were happy that Jeno finally came out to them. Mrs. Na was also joyous when her son broke it to her over a phone call they shared one night after Jaemin’s practice.

They fight sometimes, mostly due to Jaemin’s childishness and Jeno’s fondness for teasing Jaemin. But Jaemin can’t even stay mad at Jeno for a day. They always make up immediately, with extra cheesiness on top.

Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was magical. It was like fireworks, beautiful but short-lived. Jaemin never predicted it to end so soon. He was caught at the moment, mesmerized by how colourful the lights shone brightly in the darkness of the sky. Until the lights died out, suffocating smoke took over and darkness once again welcomed him. He wasn’t prepared to let go, but he did because it’s the only choice for him. 

It was the thunder that willed Jaemin away from his destructive thoughts. He peeked out of his window and he was greeted by a heavy storm. Thick droplets of rain, strong wind that was rocking the branches of the tree on their backyard, the gray clouds shielding out the sunlight, the thunders that echoed inside Jaemin’s room, the lightning every now and then. It was like mocking him. He closed his curtains, pissed. 

He laid down once again, noticing his iron man wall clock flashing a time between 11 pm to 12 am, Jaemin wasn’t sure. His vision was glassy, his eyes were sore. 

He’s been like this, miserable, for the past two days since he left the dorm with tears in his eyes. His mom never questioned him after he got home, not when he slammed his room’s door, not when he refused to come out for dinner. And Jaemin was thankful that his mom never asked anything because he’ll just probably break down in front of his mom once more, he can’t afford that. 

Jaemin hates letting people see him crying. He hates it when they see him sad. He’s known for being the brightest, and having others to see him like this scares him.

He texted Jeno that night, he was breaking up with him. Jaemin was expecting him to reply, apologize, telling him that it was all a misunderstanding. But no, he didn’t. He read the text, but Jaemin never received his reply. Maybe Jaemin cried some more the morning after, maybe he had the urge to call Jeno, ask an explanation from him, maybe he really did, and maybe the older ignored his calls. Jaemin can’t remember clearly. 

 He can’t remember anything clearly except that one scene that kept replaying on his mind. Lee Jeno almost lying on top of Huang Renjun, with only his arms supporting him to avoid crushing the older boy under him. Their eyes were connected, Jaemin saw how Jeno looked directly unto Renjun’s own, how his eyes sparkled like they usually did when he looked into Jaemin’s before. Their lips were inches away from each other, and if asked, Jaemin would be petty and blame gravity for pulling Jeno’s lips closer to Renjun’s. 

That image keeps haunting Jaemin, making him stay awake the whole night until his eyelids collapse in exhaustion. It’s making his insides uncomfortable, like there’s someone squeezing all his organs dry. He has been hurting not only emotionally but also physically that his chest has been constricting in pain that he actually had difficulties breathing yesterday. But it all stopped that night. His eyes dried, not because he stopped crying but because he probably ran out of tears. His chest stopped hurting.

He just felt numb, empty, tired. 

Jaemin’s mind was full of questions. Why did Jeno do that? Does he not love Jaemin anymore? Is Jaemin not enough? Is he ugly? Is Jaemin that disposable? Is Renjun a better lover than him? Did the other members know? Why did they hide it from him? Why didn’t they ever say a word? Did they ever value Jaemin’s feelings? Again, Jaemin wasn’t sure.

He was pulled out from his thoughts once again when heard his phone dinged. He stayed still, contemplating on checking it or not. He recovered it from his bedside table after deciding that it might be worth the effort. 

He opened his phone and immediately regretted when the light hit his eyes, and when he saw his lock screen. His and Jeno’s image smiling at him happily greeted him. It was taken during their rookie days, when they weren’t together yet, when everything was still fine, when they we