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I had once assumed that any excuse to see Anna face-to-face would excite me, especially since it wouldn’t require me to continue to constantly pester her with requests for such.

But I was wrong; the excuse I got was the last thing I would’ve ever wanted.

A few days earlier, everyone was informed by their individual managers that a unique event was being added to their schedules. It was unique in the worst way possible. Director Jung had arranged for a company-wide tribute day for Chun Hwa, playing on the immense amount of attention the incident had gotten but also genuinely honoring their fallen entertainer. I said it time and time again- SKEES was as smart and savvy as a monopoly could be but there was real sense of care and love within its walls. This served as a prime example of that.

It was safe to say that none of us were ready for the day’s morning ceremony, only serving as half of the tribute. Those of us who didn’t have specific roles in the whole thing had no idea what to expect. Nothing like this had ever happened before, we were all at a loss.

Part one was a press conference of sorts, scheduled at a bright and early hour. Every idol within the organization was to be in attendance but only a few were to give any words in reflection to Chun Hwa’s passing. I was grateful to have not been selected to do so but I knew someone who was and I worried deeply for her. Despite having yet to see Anna, I knew that today was going to be one of the most emotionally draining days of her life. To be speak on the loss of your best friend and have it be broadcasted to the whole world? I couldn’t imagine it, nor did I want to.

I was a man of many words but there was little I could say about the mood that was already looming over the day. It was quiet in every backstage dressing room when everyone was being styled and made-up. It was even quieter when we all filed onto the press conference stage. And it remained quiet until Director Jung stepped up onto the stage and stood front and center, trailed by the artists designated to speak. They lined across the front on each side of him, Anna and her two remaining roommates directly beside him on his right.

Standing just a row behind her on the far end of the stage, it was agonizing for Anna to be so close after nearly a week of radio silence. Of course, with one look at her, I was reminded of how incredibly far I actually was. Her expression was so distant, her gaze almost lost. I was hit with a strong desire to change that, to find her again. But there wasn’t much I could do at that moment as Director Jung spoke his opening sentiments to the press and fans waiting in the audience, as well as those wathcing the live broadcast around the world.

“This is a time that has been incredibly tough for us all,” he spoke gently but firmly, making up for the strength that was lacking in the rest of us. He was one of the most powerful men in Asia, he was used to putting up a front like this.

“Chun Hwa was much like a fresh spring day, as her name means. She was bright and hopeful and really beginning to blossom, like a flower bud on a springtime tree. We had high expectations of her as we treasured her joyous spirit and her talent, and she constantly lived up to every one."

"Things like this make me strongly encourage that we all look past the grim details of her murder. Those aspects will be dealt with accordingly,” he addressed the controversial topic with utmost bravery. “Where our time should be spent is in properly honoring and remembering a soul brighter than the spring sun itself. A girl whose bravery to leave the comfort of a young, normal life far behind to pursue her dreams is inspirational to us all.”

Glancing around at the faces around me, I could already see the emotions accumulating. I put a comforting hand on Hoseok’s shoulder beside me, who gave me a quick, sad glance and nod.

“A star like Moon Chun Hwa doesn’t and won’t disappear. Through each and every person she ever touched in her lifetime, she’ll live on. Through every heart beating in her memory, she’ll be with us. And we, as her family in Korea, will continue our passions with Chun Hwa as our motivation and drive. You can depend on us, on all of SKEES, to ensure that a rare flower like Chun Hwa isn’t ever forgotten. Family she became when she first joined us two years ago, and family she’ll remain infinitely.”

Mild applause broke out at the conclusion of his words. It seemed our entertainers weren’t the only ones who’d let their emotions come over them. Most people were more concerned with pulling themselves together rather than bringing their hands together in applause.

But they hadn’t seen anything yet.

Immediately following Director Jung’s eulogy of sorts, those who had been asked to share their own reflections were gestured to do so. One-by-one, each person spoke almost always tearfully before passing the microphone down to the next speaker. With Anna towards the middle, it was only a matter of time before it was her turn.

Unfortunately, the order in which they were lined up didn’t exactly work in her favor as she had to sit through her roommates’ words first. Being so generally put together, Dina kept strong for the most part, her voice only quivering here and there as she gave nurturing sentimnts. Soo Jeon was a completely other story. She didn’t become a total blubbering mess but tears did pool up below her eyes before spilling out all down her cheeks.

That was enough to begin the breakdown of the strength I was sure Anna had tried to build up for the day. My anxious eyes fixated on her as she turned to the side and brought a hand up to cover her face, completely cracking under the duress of the situation and her roommate's words. From my angle, I was only given her back but it didn’t take a genius to know she was hiding tears. Soo Jeon glanced at her sadly and placed a hand on her forearm, hoping to console her before she had to say a few words of her own.

I could tell Anna was trying to compose herself. As Soo Jeon gave her last few thoughts, she rapidly wiped away at her face, careful not to smudge any of her makeup. She flicked a few pieces of hair back and took a deep breath as she accepted the microphone from her roommate. The world world seemed to hold its breath- Anna included. Her eyes trained on the floor for a moment before she brought the microphone up to .

“Chun Hwa…,” she began slowly, as if she was finding her footing. Whether or not she had planned her speech beforehand, I wasn’t sure. Anna was an emotion-driven person. She’s be one to speak entirely from the heart rather than from a script, even one written by herself. And her eyes, although down at the floor beneath her, weren’t reading any lines.

She released a shaky breath, her head shaking as well. “She deserved so much better.”

I could practically hear the remaining pieces of everyone’s hearts finally fall apart. We were all about to get the tribute we were expecting from the closest friend of the deceased.

“To her family,” she continued, finally lifting her eyes to look in the direction said people were sitting in the front row, very much prioritized over any paparazzi. As soon as her eyes landed on the two parents, tears welled in her eyes, making her blink rapidly in a desperate attempt to keep them contained. “I am so sorry.”

It was in English but everyone understood. Chun Hwa's parents gave bittersweet smiles, also doing their best to control their emotions. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t working too well. The whole thing was just horrible to sit through.

“Being from America and knowing its goods and bads very well, all of us had been anticipating some negative things. You know, racism and things like that,” she explained with strain, trying very hard to prevent anymore tears from spilling. “I never could’ve anticipated losing my best friend.”

Her efforts finally proved to be futile. In that moment, she broke into tears.

“You can’t fit all the amazing ways to describe Chun Hwa into one statement. But what I can say is that I stepped into our dorm expecting a roommate and ended up with a sister that I’d cherish forever. Although it may be easier to forget, I will always remember all that we’ve been through together.”

“Thank you to everyone who loved and supported her, successfully making her happy before I could even call myself a SKEES member. Although her life was cut undeservingly short, you helped to make it as full as possible and one she was proud of living. She was exactly where she was meant to be, doing exactly what she was supposed to be doing in her life, so for that, I thank each and every fan and SKEES member for making that happen for her. To her, this was home.”

She took another deep breath, her closing words seeming to be the hardest. It felt like that much more of an acknowledgment that she was saying goodbye to a loved one. “Although this feels like the saddest of times, let us smile as we remember the brightest star of them all, Moon Chun Hwa.”

She gave a quiet thank you and a full, tearful 90 degree bow before handing the microphone off to the final three speakers. But Anna had already done us all in. The majority of the room had already been brought to tears. I was never one to cry so easily but I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t aching. Aching for Anna but more so, aching for my lost dongsaeng. She truly was all the great things that had been said about her and more.

We were all grateful when the last eulogy concluded. I didn’t think any of us could take anymore. Director Jung thankfully stole the microphone away to speak on a few more serious matters and remind everyone of the live concert tribute to take place later that night.

His final words of the conference triggered a feeling of relief through many. It wouldn’t be much longer until we could escape from the suffocating tension in the room and either cry or mope away from the public eye.

With one last farewell message, we all bowed in unison, concluding the first of the two events of the day. The formal applause we received almost didn’t seem fitting.

As soon as the cameras cut out and everyone in the audience rose to exit, Anna was one of the first to excuse herself from the stage. She didn’t care who she might’ve pushed past as she rushed down the stairs, onto the floor, and out one of the doors labeled “Artists & Staff Only”.

I tried to catch up with her, I really did. But from where I was at the far side of the stage, I was one of the last to make it off and into the hallway she had fled into. And by that point, she was already making her way towards the backdoor to escape the building. Her arm was looped through her stylist’s and her body was slumped up against hers. I desired to take her stylist’s place in that moment. I knew I could care for her better than anyone could, I just wasn't sure how I’d ever get that chance at the rate I was at.

The concert was no different, either. The only time I saw her was when she was on stage, performing with so much emotion that you didn’t have to know what happened to know that she was in incredible amounts of pain. I could only watch from the wings like everyone else, as if I was as relevant to her as they were.

Watching her, I wasn’t sure whether it was beneficial or harmful for her to sing for such an event. As Chun Hwa’s best friend, it only made sense but it seemed merciless. She cried through almost every song she sang and I had no way of knowing whether it was a good release of emotion or a terrible build-up of stress. When her job was done, she exited on the staff side of the stage, successfully avoiding us artists on the other side.

A montage video of footage from Chun Hwa’s career at SKEES played on the big screen to conclude the concert. Her beautiful, smiling face was a cruelly bittersweet sight for us all. The venue was unbelievably silent as we all watched her happily living self on the screen, unaware of her unwarranted fate- a fate she so definitely didn’t deserve.

“Oh, God,” I heard a voice nearby mumble.

I turned in its direction to see that it came from either a teary-eyed Soo Jeon or Dina, the two of them clutching onto each together and their attention set on the other side of the stage. Then, they hurriedly took off together towards the dressing rooms.

I looked across the stage myself to see Anna with her hand brought up to , caving into Sol Yoon’s side as she visually sobbed. Seeing her best friend alive and well on a screen in contrast to reality had to be too much for her to bear.

I immediately understood where the other two girls had gone. The backstage dressing rooms were connected to both wings of the stage, serving as the only connection when you couldn’t cross the stage itself.

It didn’t take them long to get to her. I watched with sorrowful eyes as Anna practically collapsed into their arms, the heaves of her sobs so violent that I could see them clearly from where I was. Thank god the sound system was so loud or else I was sure we all would’ve heard them, too.

In the end, I wasn’t sure what was more painful to watch- her or the video. Either way, the duration of the whole thing seemed incredibly long rather than just a few minutes. Just like at the press conference, most of us just wanted to escape from this tragedy already. For such a thing to happen so suddenly to such a young artist, one who was generally loved by us all, was beyond heartbreaking.

With no further performances, many people ended up heading back to their dressing rooms early. I had begun debating doing the same thing when J-Hope stepped up to my side, standing slightly behind my shoulder. His eyes weren’t trained on the screen as they had been a minute or two earlier. They were on his friend across the way, still desperately attempting to find solace in the comfort of her roommates’ arms.

“She needs you, Yoongi.”

I sighed and shook my head lightly. “I’m not too sure about that anymore.”

“You’re too smart to be dense like that,” he scolded me gently. “You know she needs you.”

“I’ve been trying, Hoseok. You know I have. She just won’t let me in,” I reminded him in exasperation. “What am I supposed to do if she won’t let me in?”

I expected him to have nothing to say, to have no answer to give me. But instead, he gave me a sad yet encouraging smile.

“You try harder.”