008

Third year was the most promising year of my entire college days, though many wonderful things happened to me that year, sad things always came along. And never would I forget the only guy who saved me from being so helplessly broken, though his name was not Baekhyun.

I couldn’t remember the time when Luhan and I met, I couldn’t remember how he and I first talked. I couldn’t recall how he and I were introduced. The only thing I could clearly remember was I had a crush on him when we were in second year. I texted him once, it was all because of a dare, and that was that. I didn’t remember clearly how it suddenly began to be us. I couldn’t simply remember because he wasn’t Baekhyun, as simple as that.

Luhan had saved me a million times, he might not know it, but he did. He saved me from Baekhyun, and in that time, that is the only thing that I’d ever needed, to be saved without asking someone to save me.

Luhan saved me, when during our practice for capping, he tugged my hair and he constantly made fun of me.

“You are my nanny. Have you washed the dishes already? Why are you here?” he said jokingly. Our uniform was like that of a maid, it was a combination of gray and white. A skirt that hang two inches below the knee and a long sleeved-blouse.

During third year, Baekhyun called me Jiggly while I called him Pikachu, too much Pokémon. But this wasn’t really about him.

I slapped Luhan’s arm and retorted, “Where did you park my Lamborghini?! If that gets stolen, you are so fired!”

“Come here, you,” he said as he grabbed my shoulders and placed his arms comfortably on it. He then pointed at something at the opposite direction, “Can you see that?”

I narrowed my eyes to see what it was, but I couldn’t see a thing. “What?”

“There,” he said pointing vaguely at an empty space, his arm still resting comfortably on my shoulders.

“There is nothing there,” I said and when I looked back at him, his pointing finger touched my face and he laughed and said, “One point.”

I laughed and he did, and instinctively my eyes fell at the upper bleachers and I saw Baekhyun, looking at us. I didn’t even remove Luhan’s arm on my shoulder that day. I didn’t, for I wanted Baekhyun to hurt like I did.

Baekhyun then noticed that I was looking at him, he waved his hand at me and I stupidly did the same, he smiled and mouthed “Jiggly~”.

I laughed, one word, I thought, only one word. That was all it took for me to forget those thousands of happy times that I’d been with Luhan, and I cringed at that realization.

Our capping ceremony came and I still carried that secret call sign Baekhyun and I shared. When the ceremony ended, I tried to find Baekhyun amongst the hundreds of students just to wish him congratulations. I pleaded to God to let me find him, to hug him for the first time in two years that we’d been “best friends”. I didn’t find him that night, I found Luhan, instead.

Luhan and I were classmates, we sat together during class hours, we went to the cafeteria together during break time, and we went to food chains together during lunch.

Then one day, out of nowhere, he held my hand and then looked at me straight in the eyes. We just finished lunch and were heading back to school, when he just stopped and took my hands. I couldn’t remember it well, because I still honestly hoped that it was Baekhyun instead.

“Yoon Yumi,” he started, his voice unsteady. “Will you be mine?” I knew this was coming, but I never had expected that it would be that soon. I didn’t know what to say, we’d been friends ever since summer started, ever since first day of our third year. I was speechless and I couldn’t even find the right words to tell him that I still loved Baekhyun.

I couldn’t, I said to myself. I couldn’t hurt Luhan just like that, he saved me from being lonely and alone, and he had given me the things I’d been praying Baekhyun would give me.

I couldn’t just dismiss him without giving the chance, the chance to prove myself that I could still love another person despite how much I loved Baekhyun. Still I couldn’t find the words to tell him.

I didn’t want to say yes, oddly and confusing enough. I just wanted to say “I want to give you a chance.” But that would sound awful. About ten minutes, we stood there at the school’s main gate, not even the sweetest place to be when being asked by something as sweet as this. I stared back at his eyes, seeing his sincerity. I smiled, and I think he knew what it meant.

Rumor had it that Baekhyun was already going out with someone in their block. He was not constantly texting me now the way we did before since I heard the rumor.

Her name was Kim Eunjung. Students didn’t actually like her. I didn’t know why, Baekhyun’s classmates didn’t want her for him either, yet he still wanted to go out with her. At that moment, I envied Kim Eunjung. I envied every fiber in her body because Baekhyun was fighting against all odds for her, and I just wanted to be her, even just for a second.

I was afraid to ask Baekhyun if ever it was true. So I asked Yuri to meet me one night, just to subtly ask her about Baekhyun.

“Hi, Mimi! It seems like I haven’t seen you in ages!” She said.

“I know,” I said, my mind feeling for the easy, noncommittal words.

“What have you been doing? I heard that you’ve been dating Luhan for almost a week now. Wow sissy, you caught a quite FIIIIINE fish there!” She went on, and I told her nothing, nothing at all except the usual things that Luhan and I had been doing. I never told her what my feelings were, though.

“Oh. And you know what, I heard that Baekhyun...,” her voice trailed off a little.

Go on. Go on. What about Baekhyun? Were the rumors true? Was he dating Kim Eunjung? Tell me. Please tell me and don’t make me ask, my mind said, but the words from my mouth came with slow unconcern, “I heard.”

The next words I seemed to see, rather than hear, as if they came out, black and magnifying before my eyes, “I suppose,” Yuri said simply, stirring her bubble tea with the straw, “I suppose you know that Baekhyun has been dating Kim Eunjung again? He and Eunjung went out before but it didn’t work out so...,” she shrugged.

She knew I hadn’t known, she knew. But how else could it be said? “For over a week now,” she told me. Ever since that time, I had gone out with Luhan.

Kim Eunjung had told all the girls she was going out with Baekhyun again. Kim Eunjung, had told everyone. After all, it had been, well, over a week.

I was glad Yuri kept talking for I wasn’t sure of my own voice then. Those minutes in front of her were so long that I couldn’t even remember ever having talked before.

After talking to Yuri, I went straight to my apartment. Ever since I passed the quota, my parents told me that it was best to have an apartment on my own and I was glad I did.

Because what I did next is the most stupid thing I could’ve done in my entire existence of liking and loving Baekhyun.

I grabbed my phone, keyed in his number and without even thinking, called him.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Hey,” I said, “How are you?”

“Just fine. You?”

“Same, same,” and then there was nothing but silence.

I cleared my throat, “I heard that you are going out with someone.” I said as cheerfully as I possibly could. I feigned all the joy and brightness that my voice could resonate.

“Yes,” he answered back, his voice so quiet.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said, trying my hardest to lie to myself that I was okay. I tried hard to sound casual.

“Because…,” he trailed off, “I didn’t want to hurt you. You are with Luhan now, right?” I couldn’t find my voice to answer back that I was not at least hurt, but I had been lying all the time to him, and I couldn’t lie anymore.

“I really, really like her.”

I smiled despite the tears forming in my eyes. I tried to sound of a laugh but it came too awkward. I heard his breathing on the other line and I knew that I should let him go.

“It’s okay. I’m done. I’m so happy for you, and yes, Luhan and I are dating,” I said, then pressed the red button to end the call. I remembered that night, that night when I stupidly cried myself to sleep.