It wasn't puppy love or infatuation or love at first sight. Neither anything that people always talk about and laugh at. I couldn't really explain it—it’s so hard to put into words but well, it was just something I'd never felt before. Something I'd never even known. People can't tell you about things like that, you have to find them out for yourself.

Baekhyun was my true love, but I guessed I am not his.

Every time the clock strikes 11:11, people keep on wishing something they would want to come true. Sometimes, we get overboard. We tend to wish for something we perfectly know we couldn't reach. "What did you wish for?" Baekhyun asked me one night when the clock hits that particular time. We were lying on the grass field, watching the blue sky that had been blanketed by millions of stars.

I’d lie every time he asks me that question. I didn't want to tell him that most of the time, I was wishing for him; because I knew, he was wishing for someone else too. "I wished to reach that star," I said, pointing at the brightest star that my eyes could see. "I wished to hold it close to my heart," I whispered the last part but I knew he heard me. We were just inches apart that night.

I stretched my hand, as if I could really touch that star. "You know you can't," he said as he patted my head, like a little kid. That night, I knew I had to stop wishing for him to be with me. I perfectly knew. He was that star, and he would always be. A tear dropped on my cheek. I wished that this would be the last time I'm crying because of Byun Baekhyun.

Everything happened like this: Two years ago, during the summer, I was fooled by love. I had this biggest crush on Baekhyun and he was the only guy that I admired. Our first interaction was beautiful. It was my birthday, May 13, 2012. I didn't expect that people will remember this day but nevertheless, I was greeted by a lot of them. Unsurprisingly, only his greeting was all that mattered. "Happy birthday," he said.

Despite the booming voice of Stephen Speak singing Out of My League in the loud stereo, I still heard it clearly. I smiled to him, the most genuine smile that I could muster, but I guessed he didn't even notice it. He asked me to come with him, and funny as it is, I thought he was going to confess his love for me. I was correct in the matter of confessing, but I was wrong because it was not intended for me. He told me that he liked my best friend and he wanted me to bridge him to her. I agreed to his plan but my heart didn't. That night, I cried so hard until I fell asleep. I would never forget that particular birthday of mine.

Ironically, that was the day I thought my heart had died.

August 11, 2012

Dear Baekhyun,

Never in my life had I imagined that you and I would become the best buddies. Our other friends started to tease us for having this unbearable closeness. I was overwhelmed by the mushy feeling but I knew that the two of us weren't going to happen. We would never get together unless you fall out of love with her. Little by little, the giddiness that I'm feeling when I'm with you drifted off by the thought of you leaving me when the time comes that my best friend has finally noticed you.

Every night, I lay down on my bed with a certain hollowness creeping into my very soul. Nights that have been filled with pleasant dreams turned into ones with loneliness as the main play. No more dreams about what happened the days before with certain hints of scenes that could’ve happened if I knew exactly what to do. Scrambling on my bed before falling into nothingness became more frequent and every day, you would ask me if I slept well last night. I wanted to tell you; tell you this strange feeling I’m feeling that was all new to me. I wanted you to know what was really bothering me, but I just couldn’t.

It's because of you and I never wanted you to see me as a fool.

October 14, 2012                     

Dear Baekhyun,

Today was like the judgment day. Today was the releasing of results of our licensure examination. If we passed, then we could do whatever we fancy, however, if not, then we would wait for another year to retake it. I tried to think of something to counterattack the ordeal. Though I didn’t know what I should expect, I had this feeling that today would be a really long day.

The sun was bright at the horizon. The sleepy street was starting to buzz with its sleepy inhabitants and somehow, at the back of my mind, I was wishing that this would be the day that I'd not be coward to let go the chances of telling you what I really feel. All day, I was patiently waiting for you to stop and turn to look at me and tell me something that would ease the sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. But time passed, you didn’t even glance at me and I knew that this was not just an ordinary day. I knew definitely that everything was not the same.

That night, while we were silently walking home, you suddenly stopped and looked me in the eyes. Every fiber in my body froze, every cell in my brain stopped functioning. I felt the whole world around me freeze, leaving you and myself the only living individuals lucky enough to breathe in the cold chill that enveloped the place. Then I felt the world collapsing above me when you spoke those words with happiness and love. "She answered me yes."

Your words played on and on in my head until everything in me hurt. Every molecule in my body cursed you with spiteful words that I learned during the twenty-one years of my life, every molecule, except that one who was still stubborn enough not to let go.

My heart.

I never thought that this day could be any lonelier when the news of failing the exam doomed me.

December 21, 2012

Dear Baekhyun,

I didn't know why they always call it heartbreak, when actually, all the particles in my body ache. Pretty cliché in movies but actually true in real life. I never thought that liking you will bring me to another world, a world full of misery and confusion with a little sparkle of happiness. But I never recognized the latter part, and instead, I became numb. I learned that the worst kind of pain does not have to feel anything. I was like a robot with a silver heart.

The day came when you asked me what was wrong and it’s still a mystery to me how I didn't break down in front of you. I said something to you—something quick and bright with feigned joy in it. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't want you to look at me as a fool. Same reason from the very first. There's a part of me which was very thankful that I didn't tell you everything, however, another side of me was cursing myself for being such a weakling.

I badly wanted to tell you, "What am I supposed to do? What do you think was wrong when I’m all choked up but you're happy with your life?" Life was kind of unfair to me and as the time goes by, I actually fell for that thought. I never thought that I could be a great disappointment and burden in this world.

January 16, 2013

Dear Baekhyun,

Days came when you seemed to be distant. I didn't exactly know how it happened. I am stuck doing nothing, until one bizarre night, I thought you had already forgotten about your good friend. I was probably getting crazy when I took my phone out and texted you something that could change the flow of our lives forever. "I think I'm starting to like you." My hands were trembling as I hit the send button as the only thought in my mind screams, "Please say it back."

A frustrating feeling crept over me and even my hands went limping. I thought that the scared feeling inside me would tear my ribcage apart. I didn’t even feel like a girl anymore. And all my thoughts turned into little prayers which I meant so much that it made me hurt all over. "Just once,” I kept saying. “Let him call just once.

But you didn't.

April 12, 2013

Dear Baekhyun,

All the things we did together became my only thought at night and little by little, I found myself remembering everything that happened ever since I met you. I wanted so badly to cry with this strange emotion that I’m feeling. Not big, loud sobs, but just sit by myself without making any noise and let the tears trickle slowly and silently without having to stop them.

I tried to force my mind back, back to the time before I knew you, but it kept pattering with little memories on the way. Pictures kept flashing before my eyes till I was sick with unhappiness and confusion and my heart felt sore as bruise. I never felt insecure and busted all my life. I used to be an outgoing and funny girl but became the total opposite when I met you. I tried to divert all the surreal feeling to hatred, I wanted to be mad at you even if I knew that you didn't intentionally hurt and didn't do me anything wrong. And then I finally surrendered.

I still loved you.

May 13, 2013

Dear Baekhyun,

Another book was written for me and it hurt me just by the realization of being just a mere chapter for you. I raked over the memory of the evening of my birthday. I imagined how it would turn out if I declined your wish, how it would be like if I just told you I liked you. I carefully looked for a sentence or even a word that could make me angry, quickly skipping over the parts that were so lovely that it hurt to remember. Am I supposed to stand this? Am I supposed to keep my lips moving with small words when my throat ached with longing and my mind kept remembering that once-upon-a-time memories with you?

It wasn’t fair that everything I thought about you was so full of loveliness when I just wanted to grasp for a reason to hate you. I wasn’t old enough to have to stand all this. I cried hard that night, loathing the vulnerability that loving entails.

July 27, 2013

Dear Baekhyun,

I was alone, wandering aimlessly around the city. My mind was blank, just counting the vehicles passing by and admiring the different colors of the lights along the busy streets. I looked up at the sky, wanting to see the full moon and stars that night but I only saw the dusk left a bloody light on the cloudy sky. Gray skies, tempted to shed its tears. I smiled bitterly as the thought of getting soaked in the rain struck my mind.

I plugged in my earphones and listened to songs in my playlist while walking slowly. My mind was still empty until a certain song played. A small smile crept into my lips as I remembered this serene song in my last year's birthday. I watched as the hands of my wristwatch tic-tac as it hit 11:11.

And then, I wished to move on with my life.

But the impatient sky seemed to not like it, suddenly pouring its tears above me. All the little joy remained in my heart has washed up and my spirit was dampened. That moment, I was sure that it's not only the rain that wet my cheeks.

November 16, 2016

Dear Baekhyun,

When I heard the bells ringing, I started to tap the piano keys whilst swaying rhythmically with the melody. The veiled bride walked along the aisle and some of the people dressed in pastel looked at her with pure happiness while the others are surely getting jealous. The wedding ceremony proceeded and the new husband and wife faced us with silly grins on their faces, acting like some fools of love. I smiled to myself as the memories came flashing through.

The day came when realization finally hit me hard. It was my 23rd birthday, May 13, 2014. There was a crack over in one corner of the ceiling of my room and I found myself unconsciously lining my thoughts up on either side—the good and the bad. The nice things to remember and the things that maybe in the sunlight wouldn’t be the same at all. Being with you feels absolutely nice. I really did love you, but the problem was, I didn't love myself and that was the worst step a person could make—not knowing how worthy yourself is.

I remembered two years ago, I was just a simple girl. I had acne on my cheeks and some on forehead. I had this huge geeky eyeglass and I wore those baggy shirts. Hence, I was just really a simple girl. Then you came and everything in me changed. From my hairdo to the very heels that I wear. I changed myself for you, pleasing you, but never really paid attention to what I really want. I did everything that could make you happy that I sacrificed my own even if it will hurt me. That was all because of you.

I was pathetic back then, but time really does well to me. I learned things that only I can do. I learned to look on the brighter side of life and even if I'm messed up, I feel like I am totally accepted by someone. Someone, even if I don't see, is caring for me, loving and saving me even if I were the most imperfect person in the world. I became a pianist in church and I devote my time and life to God.

After my work in school, I make it a point to go to church and serve. And today isn't different. I am now here at the church to play in a wedding ceremony, more precisely, yours. But guess what? I don't feel any bitterness or hatred.

Holding onto my feelings for you was like buying new clothes and not being able to fit them in my closet because all the old clothes take up all the space. The only way to fit the new clothes in the wardrobe was to clear out the old. So I decided to let you go, and I knew that I've done a very good job.

I could not help wishing that there wasn’t so much sadness in growing up. It was all so packed up in my mind. There had been long, long days of being young and not wondering about tomorrow at all and thinking in a strange, forgotten child’s world. There were days when my thoughts were as mild as feathers and even an hour seemed like a long time. Then suddenly it was like turning a sharp corner– I was older and the things that counted when I was young didn’t count anymore at all. Looking back, I couldn’t even see them. Growing up crowds our minds with new thoughts and new feelings so that we forget how we used to think and feel before.

I walked out of the church with proudness in my heart and I let myself take me so that I can venture the world with the new me, the “me” who isn’t burden with so much sadness just because of my failed love life. I welcomed the “me” that I was before I met you and I feel so light again. And now, I knew suddenly that it could come and could come forever, slipping by in the breath of the moment, and yet, never again, would there ever be anything quite as wonderful as having to fulfill a wish the time I asked about it when the clock strikes 11:11.

There's like a really long version of this that I wrote. With actual characters and plot in it. But I don't know yet if I should post it. Should I? :)