Play this song.

010

Time comes and passes so fast that we haven’t noticed that some things in our lives are nearing at its end.

That night, when Hani lectured me about Baekhyun, it ended up in the way I didn’t expect it to end. Baekhyun texted Hani that he couldn’t live without me, and I was a fool to believe in that.

I was already in my fourth year in college when I had come to realize that all these years, I had lived in the shadow of Baekhyun, but still I was afraid that if I chose to move on, I’d hurt so much that the pain would just kill me.

And then things happened in different ways I couldn’t explain. February 14, 2015, when I was sick and almost dying in my bed out of despair, Baekhyun asked Sohee, someone in their circle of friends, to be his girlfriend.

We still went out, just the two of us and it made Sohee very jealous. That was when bad news about me began to spread. Fourth year, second semester. Just when I was about to abandon all this craziness, Sohee spread the news that I had been snaking Baekhyun away from her. That I had been plotting some sneaky schemes just to make her and Baekhyun break up.

The thought of it was absurd, if I would do that, then I should have done that ages ago. I couldn’t even make Baekhyun see me the way I wanted him to see me, so it was really ridiculous to say that I was trying to snake Baekhyun away. Yet, having to be stared at and whispered about was hard and suffocating.

I was graduating in college, I’d be reviewing for the local boards, I’d be taking an exam that I’d been preparing for in the past few years, and here she was, spreading some stupid scandal about me.

Whenever she and Baekhyun fought, I was always the one to be blamed on. I started avoiding Baekhyun but he got angry at me, saying that he could abandon a relationship just to make me stay. He made me believe in that.

So when Sohee asked me if I was willing to go and talk to her, I willingly obliged. Just to clear things up between me and her. She then told me that Baekhyun was only using me to make her jealous, that those times when I thought I didn’t know that she knew that Baekhyun and I were together, were planned by him. At first, I wasn’t really believing the stories she was telling me. But then, she started crying and telling me that at that time, she needed refuge and that she had been drinking with some guys and had actually kissed one when she was so drank with depression. She pleaded not to tell Baekhyun anything.

After our confrontation I went to see Baekhyun, but I didn’t tell him a thing about what Sohee and I talked about, but I made him subtly choose. And he said that when tomorrow morning comes, he would break up with her.

It never happened though, after that night, Baekhyun texted me and told me that he had fixed everything between him and Sohee and that he told Sohee that she had nothing to blame on me. His exact words I could remember clearly, it was as if it was screaming in my head like some wake up call.

“Everything is fine now, I told her not to blame you for what had happened between the two of us. I told her that you are my friend, and she has nothing to worry about it. We’re good now.”

That was the time that I realized to let him go. That it was time for me to put myself first because obviously, he had already chosen her. I learned things from him that I never knew before. Lots of things–I learned what it meant when people were really happy, when they were really alive.

My friends felt sorry for me, especially Jinhee and Yuri who had been there for me whenever I felt like exploding–but I told them not to feel worried about it. I saw him lots of times when none of them even knew I was out with him. I couldn’t count how many times I’d been with him, it had been so many.

They would never know all the things we talked about and all the things he and I said. I knew everything about him. He knew everything about me.

“Do you know why my parents named me Baekhyun?” He looked at me. He was lying down the green ground and resting his head on my lap.

“Obviously not! Come on, tell me!” I expressed, playing and curling his tendrils with my fingers. I had to push up his fringe so that I could easily see his eyes.

“Baekhyun means black and white, right? And my mom just loves chocolate-vanilla biscuits that she thought of naming his handsome son after her favorite!” He was smiling. A genuine, happy one.

“Ha ha ha, silly mom you got there! Well, do you know when I had my first period?”

“Eeeew, Yumi! That’s gross!” He flicked my forehead using his index finger and stuck his tongue out to me.

“No, no! You have to listen to me! I mean, my other classmates had their first period when they were in middle school and early high school, but I only got it when I was in junior high! Imagine how much worried was I, thinking that I would never have my first period!” We laughed at each other’s stories. We laughed as if that was the last time we were going to laugh. We laughed as if that was the funniest thing in the world.

They didn’t know he had liked me since the first day he saw me, but never had the courage to tell it to me. They didn’t know that he was meaning to ask me out that day in Yeonhee’s garden, if Sol never came outside to call on us. They didn’t know that my name in his phone book was ‘뷴 유❤’. They didn’t know that he had only lost his little crush on me when he got to know Hyerin.

“I actually had a crush on you, when you were lost in the school. First day of class, d’you remember that?” He asked me, passing me a sour candy that we had always eaten everytime we decided to meet.

“What? Really! Why didn’t you tell me? That was the time that I had a crush on you. When I was walking alongside you in the cross roads.” I slapped his arm lightly and although I knew it didn’t really hurt him, he made puppy sounds at the back of his throat and fake a cry. We laughed.

“Yeah, I remember that. Remember the incident in Yeonhee’s house? I was really annoyed at her that time, because she was, like, flirting openly with me, when I was meaning to ask you out!” He rolled his eyes, and I kidded he looked like a gay. He kissed me on the cheeks just to prove that he was indeed a man and I had to run to get away from him.

“Really! Ha ha ha! I thought so, I didn’t realize that you were so kitty-whipped for me, Mr. Byun Baekhyun!” I ran and ran, until I was out of breath and then he caught me and trapped me in his arms. My back against his chest, and I felt like exploding when he started to tickle me.

“Yah! I’m not whipped, it was just a crush. And yeah, look.” He pulled out his phone and scroll through his phone book and put it in front of my face.

“Oh, you’re not whipped, but you are fantasizing me as your wife. Byun Yumi?! Ha! Never thought it sounded so bad!” I released myself from his grip and lied down on the blanket that we had set earlier. He ran to me and sat beside me.

“Yah! What d’you mean by that?!”

“Mehrong~”

They didn’t know I told him how I felt about letting Luhan go.

“You know, I actually thought that with Luhan by my side, I could move on from you. I mean, Luhan was the perfect guy for me. He made things easier for me. He made me happy and he made me smile and laugh a lot. He told me he loves me. And I actually thought that I could love him back,” I sighed as memories of Luhan and I watching movies in my apartment, Luhan and I eating lunch under a mango tree, Luhan and I cuddling, Luhan and I singing in the karaoke bar, all of those happy memories, flashed before my eyes.

“It’s okay, you have me,” he said with a smug look on his face. I looked at him sternly and told him I was pretty serious this time. He shrugged and hugged me again. He just loved hugging me all of a sudden.

“Stop hugging me, you filthy, flirty, prick! But seriously, I missed Luhan so much.” I looked up the sky to prevent my hot tears from pouring down my face.

“Why, is he avoiding you?” He asked me with concern and soft voice. I shrugged.

“I think so. I mean, he has all the rights to. I hurt him, and I think I deserve this kind of treatment. I just hope that after sometime, we can be back to being friends. It just pained me so much that because of my failed decisions in life, I had to give up a good friendship I ever had.”

“I’m sorry about that. That is totally my doing,” he said resting my head on his shoulder. I slapped his chest lightly and sighed comfortably.

“Not really, hey, don’t blame yourself. This is between me and Luhan. Don’t worry, after sometime, I know Luhan and I will meet again, and by that time, I will make sure that I will not waste any chance to rebuild a beautiful friendship.”

They didn’t know how many times we laugh at each other’s silly jokes; they didn’t know how much I cried when I told him I was ready to cut all the feelings I had for him. They didn’t know how he kissed me and how we cried and said sorry in each other’s arms. They didn’t know we slept in the garden in their house, holding each other’s hands. They didn’t know that we confessed how much each other means to us.

“Yumi,” he inched toward me, hugging me from behind. He propped his chin on my shoulder and breathed my scent.

“You know I always care for you, right? You know how much you mean to me, how much I love you, and how much I want you to stay by my side, right?”

I touched his arms snaking around my waist. I leaned against his chest and felt his heart beating. I closed my eyes with a contented smile carved in my lips.

“I know. Let’s never leave each other. Let’s be like this forever. Let’s be like one another shoulder. Let’s always be best friends, hmmm?”

I pulled back from the hug and twisted myself so that I could see his face. He looked at me with a peaceful and serene face and he held my hand. “Yumi,” he called me gently. I smiled when I heard his sweet voice saying my name. I felt like I had the most beautiful name among all the girls in the whole world.

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

I closed my eyes as he leaned toward me. I felt his hot breath against my lips as he cupped my face and gently caressed my skin. He kissed me on the forehead, saying, “My love for you is sincere, Yumi. I love you like how a best friend should.” The tears were swelling at the corners of my eyes. I didn’t know what I was feeling that time. I didn’t know if I was sad that we were only friends, or if I was contented because finally, we’d got to say what we were meaning to say to each other.

He kissed my eyes, my nose and my cheeks, murmuring how proud he was because he had Yoon Yumi to be his best friend. I wanted to say that I was proud of myself too. Because I learned to love someone, despite the imperfections, who didn’t love me back, but still, I had reasons to continue loving and living.

I felt our lips softly touched. The tears that I was bottling up, the emotions I’d been meaning to pour out, the words I’d been dying to say, all of them; they were passed to each other by our hearts.

Our lips synchronized with a slow waltz. His right hand went at the back of my head and tugged me lightly. I clutched on his shirt, so tight, like it was my world. I permitted myself to shut off, leaving my logic behind. I encircled my arms around his neck and playfully caressed his brown locks. He made me lay down on the green grass and hovered above me, we looked at each other’s eyes with trust and sincerity and forgiveness. As our lips touched once again, my world teetered, and I had decided to let all out, and for the first and the last time, we kissed each other lovingly.

He was cupping my face and I did the same. That was when I knew, we were both crying.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...I’m sorry, Yumi,” he murmured to my ear when he pulled me in for a hug. I hugged him back and cried.

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun. I’m sorry for being a burden. I’m sorry that I learned to love you more than a friend should. But let me tell you this, I never regretted having feelings for you, because I’ve got to learn many more things about life. Thank you so much, Baekhyun, for letting me love you. I’m so happy that I have you here with me. I’m so lucky to have you. I’m sorry for everything and I forgive you too for everything.”

And there, my lips turned up in a smile. And for the first time since I loved Baekhyun, I forgave myself for putting myself aside and for forgetting about other people’s feelings. For the first time, I feel free again.

They didn’t know that we waited for our favorite time and wished something from the bottom of our hearts. They didn’t know that we watched the night turned into daylight.

“What’d you wish for?” He asked me that night when the clock hit 11:11. He looked at me waiting and I smiled, staring at the beautiful sky above us.

I lied every time he asked me that question. I didn’t want to tell him that most of the time, I am wishing for him, because I perfectly know, that he was wishing for someone else.

“I wished to reach that star,” I said, pointing the brightest star that my eyes could see. “I wished to hold it close to my heart,” I almost whispered the last part but I knew he heard me clearly. We were just inches apart that night.

I managed to stretch my hand, as if I could really touch that star. “You know you can’t,” he said and patted my head, like a little kid. I sighed sadly. If only he knew, if only he could be myself for a minute, if only he could know what was I feeling inside. If only.

That night, I knew I had to stop wishing for him to be with me. “I perfectly know.” He didn’t know, but that star, that was him, and would always be.

“How about you, what did you wish for?” I asked him, but he was closing his eyes with a peaceful smile on his lips. “I wished to God that even when we are old and grumpy and wrinkly, that even when we are lying on our beds, sick and weak and dying, that even when we already see and feel death coming, we will never forget this one night that we shared.”

A tear dropped on my cheek. God, I prayed. Please, if this pain would not go away this instant, please, just lessen it. Let me handle this heart strong. I closed my eyes.

And I wished that this would be the last time I was crying because of him.

They didn’t know that I had finally given up on him, wholeheartedly. They didn’t know how much it pained me, but at the same time, carried all the heavy loads in my heart away. They didn’t know all of these, and I vowed to myself that only Byun Baekhyun and Yoon Yumi are the only persons who shall know about these things.

And no matter what happened; no matter what everyone thought and whether I would ever see him again or not. No matter how much pain it caused me to love him. All of these didn’t matter to me and I was never sorry. I didn’t regret a thing. I didn’t blame anyone, I didn’t blame the time and chances, I didn’t blame the Heaven for everything that had been done and said.

I lay in my bed, wondering how long–how many days and nights–it would take me to forget about the guy whose name was Byun Baekhyun. How long before I could listen to soft music on the radio without breaking down into pieces. How long before I could face the shining sun without him coming into my mind. It would take a very long time. It would take me a very long time. But what’s for sure?

I was now free from any confusion, and sadness, and vulnerability, that loving him caused me. Because now, I finally learned to love and forgive myself.

Somehow.