005

Little by little, the once giddy feeling I felt l every time I was with Baekhyun turned into something I could not quite comprehend.

We became closer than ever, texting almost every day and night. We went to school together and went home together as well.

Every night, I laid down in my bed with a certain hollowness creeping into my very soul. Nights that had been filled with pleasant dreams turned into ones with blackness as the main play. No more dreams about what happened the day before with certain hints of scenes that could’ve happened if I knew exactly what to do.

Scrambling at my bed before drifting into nothingness became more frequent and every day, Jinhee would ask me if I slept well last night. I wanted to tell her, tell her this strange feeling I was feeling that was all new to me. I wanted her to know what was really bothering me, but I just couldn’t.

The next morning, I got out of bed without trying to wake anybody up unlike before. I dressed and crept to the cafeteria. Just before I went to a table, I stopped and pinched my cheeks to make the muscles relax.

Somehow, my face felt stiff and unnatural. I had a strange feeling that when I sat down at the table, I might not be able to eat at all. I might just look at everyone drinking their coffee and eating their breakfast and then suddenly blurt out foolishly,

“I like Baekhyun so much but I never knew it would be like this!”

But it never happened the way I thought it might be. I woke up then bathed. I took a quick breakfast and then head off. Everyone else in the room was still fast asleep. I went out early and went to school early.

I tried to think of something to counterattack the ordeal. Though I didn’t know just what I expected, I was vaguely disappointed that this was just like any other morning.

The sun was bright in the horizon. The sleepy street is starting to buzz with its sleepy inhabitants and Baekhyun, while he was waiting for me at the junction, looked just as calm as he always did.

Maybe, I thought, I was wrong about the day of my birthday and maybe everything was just the same. Maybe it wasn’t–well, what I thought it was.

All morning, I was really waiting for him to stop and turn to look at me and tell me he liked me. But time passed, he didn’t even glance at me during classes. I knew this was not just an ordinary day. I knew definitely that everything was not the same.

That night, while we were silently walking home, he suddenly stopped and looked at me in the eyes. Every fiber in my body froze, every cell in my brain stopped functioning. I felt the whole world around me stopped, leaving him and myself the only living individuals lucky enough to breathe in the cold chill that enveloped the place.

In the silence of the night, I knew that his voice would be the one to break it, “I like Hyerin,” he uttered. The world that was once still and unmoving rapidly circled my mind.

I felt my heart pounding fast in my chest as I tried to recall what he said. I thought suddenly that there was some phrase that I missed, but I couldn’t find it.

I continued to walk alongside him, groping for a sentence that hung in my mind as empty as space. I could never fill it nor dismissed it. I glanced back at Baekhyun and remember what he just said, and my mind told me in irrevocable finality that my name was not even Hyerin.

I’m Yumi, not Hyerin.

His words played on and on in my head, everything in me hurts. Every molecule in my body cursed him with spiteful words, every molecule, except that one which was still stubborn enough not to let go. My heart.

I raked over the memories I had with him carefully, looking for a sentence or even a word that could make myself angry with him, quickly skipping over the parts that were so lovely that it hurt my heart and mind to remember.

Was I supposed to stand this? Was I supposed to keep my lips moving with small weekday words when my throat ached with longing and my mind kept remembering that once-upon-a-time memories with Baekhyun? It wasn’t fair that everything was so full of loveliness and remembering those events just made my hopes high. I wasn’t old enough to have to stand all this.

However, Hyerin and Baekhyun never happened. I think she never knew that he liked her, he was afraid to confess, that was what he said. But I think it was because Hyerin liked Jongin more and Baekhyun’s stupid ego couldn’t bear to fathom defeat.

I forgave his stupidity that night, there was still time, I thought. Time to patch things up and maybe in the process, he’d notice me as the girl he never noticed before.

Finals came and that day that I’d been dreading to happen never came, rather, God gave me something more inspiring.

I prayed to every saint that I knew of, called every angels’ name and even invented one. I called cupid, the angel of wisdom, the angel of intelligence, the angel of memory. I called all of them as I tried to remember what Macroeconomics was.

I never really liked Economics, and our final exam in this course was the hardest for me. We were ought to do concept maps and explain it on the spot. I was on a roll, I could answer it without blinking, but when I reached Export and Import, I panicked. Not a single word registered into my mind.

I looked at the ceiling and stared at the rotating ceiling fan, I felt dizzy. I looked down and my shoes held no answers. I tried to answer Remittance but my mind was blank. I panicked.

Many of my classmates were already passing their papers. I looked at both sides of me and was relieved that Hani and Yuri hadn’t passed their papers yet. I called the angel of luck. I think he, himself, ran out of it.

I bowed my head down and tapped my pen in my head. I could hear my pen telling my brain to work and when I looked up, I saw Baekhyun smiling at me.

“Good luck,” he said.

Results came the other day and I was called first. I had the highest score. I accidentally caught Baekhyun’s gaze and he winked at me. I smiled. Talk about my lucky angel.

Time passed until the last day of the school days came. Our block decided to plan a party. It didn’t happen the way I always expected it to be, there were no declarations of love, worst, he hadn’t talked to me at all that entire party.

When the party was over, we decided to just walk back to our dormitories. Hani, Yuri, Suho, Baekhyun and I escorted Hyerin to the bus stop.

I looked at Baekhyun and I saw the way he looked at Hyerin, if they were alone, I think Baekhyun would’ve hugged her. I silently thanked God that they weren’t.

Baekhyun said his goodbye and Hyerin hugged Hani, Yuri and me. I suddenly wished that they were alone so that Baekhyun would not feel this way.

We walked silently on our way home until all that was left is Yuri, Baekhyun and me. Yuri turned in the junction and bid goodbye, I almost cried. I’d miss Yuri the most this sem break.

Baekhyun sent me home. When we reached the gates, he looked at me and smiled.

“Don’t forget to text and update me, okay?”

“I won’t.”

Silence. He just stood there and I stupidly did the same. At one moment there, I thought he would hug me. I silently prayed that he would but the only thing he did was to take my hand and give it a little squeeze.

Sem break came and I was stuck doing nothing, and one bizarre night when I think Baekhyun had already forgotten about his good friend Yumi, I took my phone and texted him something that could change the flow of our lives forever.

“I think I’m starting to like you.” My hands were trembling as I hit send as the only thought in my mind screamed, “Please say it back.”

A frustrating feeling crept over me until even my hands went limping. I didn’t even feel like a girl anymore. And all my thoughts turned into little prayers which I meant so much that it made me ache all over.

“Just once.” I kept saying. “Let him call just once.”

He didn’t.