[ Jonghyun ]

Hades must have loved me too much to let me feel such excruciating pain. I can feel my heart clenching until suffocated, leaving no room for it to beat. I sit here with blood-shot eyes and tear-streaked face as I played your video message for the millionth time at nine in the morning.

You're cruel, Key.

You should have just bathed me with gas and burned me to death instead of this.

This.
When you can't feel your heart beating anymore. When you can't feel your lungs taking air in anymore.
When you can't feel your body anymore.
When you can't shed a tear anymore because you have cried too much.

This is worse than death itself, Key. Much worse.

When I woke up this morning with a strange-looking pink box on your side of the bed, I knew you've been here. The fresh scent of vanilla that lingered in the air told me so. Without a minute to spare, I dashed out of the room and aimed for the kitchen. You really had me fooled right then and there. On the dining table were my favorite dishes presented nicely with colorful post-its stuck on the edge of the square ceramic plates, even the little milk carton wasn't able to escape your love for sticky notes. I took a seat and read each one.

'Rice - don't starve yourself to death by eating salad, Jjong.'

'Samgyupsal (Pork Belly) - I know you need to maintain your diet, but eating something heavy every once in a while won't hurt you!'

'Kimchi - I know how you crave for side dishes, so here!'

'Milk - Because you need to grow taller!'

'Chocolate Cake - I baked this! But you can't eat this until you finish all the others.'

I was grinning from ear to ear by the time I read the cake's note. Abiding like the good puppy that I was (and still am), I devoured the food happily thinking you'd be back once I'm done eating. You have no idea how much I missed you cooking. With Jessica, all I ever get to is take-out. The old folks were right; you shouldn't take for granted the little things in life. I glanced around the empty apartment, feeling a little giddy when I noticed the unusually clean living room.

You really had me thinking that you'd be coming back in my arms, Key.

Minutes passed after I finished with the food but you're still not coming back. I laid on the sofa and dialed for your number but to no avail. I made a mental note to ask you about that once I see you again.

Once I see you again...

That simple thought planted a smile on my face.

Half an hour went by and I was getting rather impatient. Doubts were creeping in on my mind as I got up from lying to walk over to the bedroom - where we last shared a loving kiss, a warm hug, a satisfying sense of belonging. I noticed the pink box was still resting on your pillow and decided to let my curiosity take over. Slowly, I lifted the lid off and was met by a black DVD case with yet another post-it stuck on it: 'Please watch me^^'

I shouldn't have watched that damned thing!

If I only knew that what's inside that case would be the end of us, I would never, in the life of me, go anywhere near it!

Whey your beautiful, flawless, stunning face showed on the flat-screen TV, I felt my heart race, felt my body getting excited. Blonde suits you, was the first thought I had. I became teary-eyed just by seeing your pretty face again. It's been a while, hasn't it? God, how I wanted to run my fingers on that smooth skin of yours, to place chaste kisses on those plump lips. I expected you to tell me how much you missed me and that you prepared some sort of even for me like what you usually do whenever we had a fight.

But my thoughts were proved wrong when you mentioned her.

You, of all people, should know how much I love you more than her. I know I sound like a hypocrite right now, but that's the truth. I guess I'm one cliché jerk for only realizing how much I love you when you left.

I was dumb, an idiot who now regrets everything he did.
I was blinded by lust, Key.

Lust.
Not LOVE.

You didn't have to do this. You didn't have to ing break up with me!

And you know what hurts me the most? The moment you accused me of wanting to marry and have kids with her.

I... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I made you feel unwanted, unloved. I'm sorry for letting my stupid hormones get to me. Truth is, I never imagined my future with Jessica. When I look ahead, I can only see you.

I guess it's too late now. I can't turn back time and there's just no way I can undo what's already done.

As the rain poured down and thunders roared, the sturdy arms that held you no longer belong to me.
The oversized tee that you feel comfortable sleeping in no longer belongs to me.

And the name you call out for security no longer belongs to me.

Rabbit.
The thief who stole my life away, stole you away.

I never knew love can hurt like hell until I saw another man's back, his arms circling around your small frame and lulling you to calm down. What do you call that strange feeling of wanting to murder someone because he's touching your property? Oh, right, jealousy. If only he dropped the camera on the right angle, I could have gotten a glance of your Rabbit's place.

Yours. Do you know how much it pains me to even say that?
To say that someone else has taken my place beside you?
To even think that someone else has taken my place beside you when you sleep?

I know you do.
Because you wouldn't have left me if I didn't foolishly break your heart.

What do you want me to do now that you ended our relationship?

I could drown the heartache with alcohol, but I know you wouldn't want that for me.

After drying my tears, I got up with wobbly legs and switched the player off. I don't think I'll be able to watch anything using that until I get over the fact that you broke up with me through a video message. I glanced over the wall clock and realized I've been sitting here, crying for two straight hours.

I need to be at the studio this afternoon, which left me with enough time to pour my heart using the one thing I loved doing the most. With all the energy left in me, I walked to the bedroom we once shared and took my place on the study desk beside it. Grabbing my notebook and an overused pencil, I let the words flow like water, locking myself up in my own personal bubble to escape the reality that I now hate so much.

"You seem out of it today. What's up?"
Donghae-hyung asked as we leaned back on the wall, both panting from the heavy dance routine.

"It's nothing, Hyung." I answered while trying to open the bottle of water in my hands.

"So, now you're lying to your sunbae?" He raised a brow at me which I returned with an awkward chuckle.

I hesitated for a second, surely he's someone to be trusted, right?

"No, I wasn't trying to lie, Hyung. It's just not that big of a deal, so don't worry about it."

"Right. Not big enough that you actually look hideous right now because of those bags under your eyes." He rolled his eyes at me. "Seriously, what is it? I'm a great listener, y'know."

I inhaled deeply, taking my time to form the proper sentences in my head so as not to cause my senior a mental breakdown. Donghae-hyung was never one with judgmental eyes. No, he's a much bigger person than that despite his playful acts.

"Have you... ever loved someone so much that it hurts?" Were my first few words after realizing the need to release my pent-up emotions.

I was half-expecting him to feel uncomfortable, but he didn't. Instead, he remained calm and a small smile made its way to his lips. It was as if he was thinking of someone right when I blurted out the question.

"Yeah." He muttered, almost coming out as a whisper. I was slightly taken aback by his confession, but didn't say a word about it. He grabbed the small towel from his shoulder and used it to wipe the sweat beads on his forehead cause by too much dancing. "Why? Is Kim Jonghyun having love problems?"

"You can say that."

I heard him chuckle, turning to his side to give me an are-you-being-serious look.

"So, who's the unlucky girl?" He teased. I hung my head low at this, biting my lip in pure doubt.

Should I just lie to him and tell him it's Jessica?
Or should I come clean and lay all my cards on the table?
If I choose the latter, will he tell SM's CEO?
Will he still talk to me or will he be disgusted by my ual orientation?

Haven't I caused more than enough damage because of my little white lies?

Yes, I have. I have caused so much havoc with my lies that you ended up packing.

I hid my face with my fringe, unable to answer his simple yet difficult query.

"Or should I revise my question? Who's the unlucky guy, then?"

My head snapped at the sudden change of inquiry. With wide eyes, I stared at him unbelievably like I was caught doing something I shouldn't. Quite literally, I was.

"So, it's a he. Are you ashamed? 'Cause by the looks of it, you are." Ever word left a burning sensation all over my body, including my heart.

The walls that I tried so hard to establish were becoming demented were about to fall apart any minute now.

"P-please don't tell anyone, Hyung..."

"Why would I when I've fallen for one myself?"

He's... what?
Did I hear right?

"Yes, you heard right." He suddenly mouthed as if hearing my thoughts. "And I've never been ashamed of it. If it wasn't for SM, I'd tell the whole world about it."

"B-but... people will judge, Hyung..."

"Do I look like I care?" He scoffed and chuckled. "Love is not something you can take for granted, Jonghyun-ah. Once you did, you'll only end up with regrets. Give him your all, show your affection towards him... even through fan services..."

He was starting to trail off and I noticed the satisfied expression he had in his eyes. I was getting curious and was about to ask who he was pertaining to when a realization hit me.

Fan services.
Is he saying he has fallen for one of his... band members?

"Because fate is naturally cruel, you'll never know when it's going to play tricks on you."
He continued, but something tells me his mind's already preoccupied with things more serious than my dilemma.

"Donghae-hyung, do I, uhm... know him?"

Surprisingly, he wasn't the least bit fazed when I asked such a straight-forward question. I noticed him bite his lower lip, obviously fighting back a smile. I can tell he's enjoying this, openly talking about his feelings for the one he treasures the most. If he found the courage to boast about his love for the same gender, then what's stopping me?

He opened his mouth to speak but just then, the door slammed open and in came Super Junior's dance machine... together with the last person I wanted to see at the moment, Jessica. Eunhyuk-hyung rushed over to Donghae-hyung, crushing the latter with his not-so-heavy weight while Jessica prettily sat down next to me.

And here I was, discussing my love for you with Donghae-hyung only to be interrupted with the source of the problem herself.

"Fishy! That stupid dolphin called and bullied me again!"
Eunhyuk-hyung whined, flailing his arms and legs and causing Donghae-hyung to laugh lightheartedly at him.

"I told you not to pick on Junsu-ssi, didn't I? Com'on, let me change first then we'll get you some ice cream."
Donghae-hyung patted Eunhyuk-hyung's head and stood up, reaching his hand out for the latter to take.

Jessica and I watched as the two turned their backs at us, Eunhyuk-hyung still whining about his phone call with Junsu-hyung. Donghae-hyung turned back to meet my eyes and smiled.

"Regarding your question, Jonghyun-ah... I think you know already."

I grinned widely as he caught up to Eunhyuk-hyung, the dance machine who captured his heart.

But then that only meant being stuck with Jessica. Alone.

"Jjongie~" I cringed at the mention of my name coming from her thin voice. "I've got some good news. Wait, no... I've got some GREAT news!"

I stared at her trying to assess the situation, her hands clasped together as she parted her lips to continue her great news.

"I saw Key, your best friend, today! Isn't that great?"

Wait... what?
She... what?

"Y-you... K-kibum... When? Where?"
I stuttered like a dumbfounded fool. I started to feel panic rising from my stomach, my mind clouded with different thoughts.

"Why didn't you tell me he moved out of your apartment? And here I was, being worried because you looked so upset when he didn't contact you for some time. I met him earlier at the conference room, Jjongie~" She cooed as she hooked her arms on mine and rested her head on my shoulder.

I wanted to shove her away, tell her to leave me alone.
But my mind wasn't working properly.

She saw you.
You were here, inside the building.
You were so close... yet so ing far.

"W-why did he come h-here?" What's your business, here, Key?

"Have you forgotten? Silly~ He's starring for Onew-oppa's MV!"

My body froze at her revelation.
I totally forgot about the incident a few weeks back, when our producer told me he wanted you for Onew-hyung's music video. That totally slipped my mind. .

I could have gotten to you!
I could have changed everything back the way they were!

"Is he s-still here? I need... to talk to him." Please, let me.

"Oh, he had to leave early because of his fever."

You have a ing fever.
Yeah, and I wasn't even aware of it.
Can't you at least let me take care of you?
God, Key! You're driving me nuts!

Why are you sick? Did someone hurt you? Besides me, that is...
Do you need a hug? Medicine? Anything?
I hate this. I hate feeling helpless.

CAN'T I ING DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT THE ONE I LOVE?

At least Jessica told me about it.

Hold on... what is she doing with you anyway?

"Hey, Jess, w-what are you doing with him anyway?"

She raised her head from my shoulder and raised a 'V' sign.

"I'll be his girlfriend in the music video."