(cyclamen - resignation and goodbye)

When he was growing up, Taehyung didn’t think his life would play out this way. He always imagined it to be simple and enjoyable. Not so.. Complex. Not where he will have a strict schedule to follow. A fixed time to wake up, a fixed time to spend with his friends and family. Everything so set and rigid; written down and fixed. They spend hours sweating and practising and hardly any is left for frolicking. He does not hate what he has. He will not exchange it for anything else in the world but, there are times when he wonders if he should have done something differently at some point. At any point.

He accepts the apple the six year old sitting next to him in the train bound for Daegu gives him. He likes her smile. She is cute with her green frock and crooked teeth. A glance at the watch tells him he has still one hour left before he reaches his station. He reclines into the seat, adjusting himself before taking his phone out for playing games on it.

~~~~~~~~

His first meeting with Yoongi was shocking. He fell in love. It was as simple as that. He saw him when Bighit was recruiting and lo, his heart was stolen. That voice, that cute face, that height and that accent. The satoori rap. Taehyung loves it till date. When he was introduced to Min Yoongi and subsequently, got to know him he fell more in love. The permanent scowling face, scrunched up nose, annoyed-with-the-world expression; what was their not to love about them?

Loving Yoongi was as simple as loving, say Jimin, and yet, loving his best friend didn’t bring the same sort of happiness. Simply staring at his Jiminnie’s face didn’t make the sudden appearance of butterflies in his stomach the way staring at Yoongi did. Nor did the said butterflies flutter when Jimin smiled at him. Standing beside Jimin didn’t excite him nor, did hugging him make him nervous. He could roll all over his little Park Jimin and yet, holding a simple gaze with Yoongi was as difficult as climbing a mountain.

He was loud and noisy and not very organised - the type Yoongi hated. Taehyung tried to be subtle about it. He tried. A lot. He ended up creating a mess. He wanted to give the bowl of soup to the rapper which he had prepared with Seokjin’s help. In over excitement, he spilled it on Yoongi’s new leather jacket, one which he had bought after saving up for months. He was so scared. He had apologised so much and in nervousness, had started laughing. Had Hoseok or, Seokjin not interfered, he was sure Yoongi would have ripped his head off. He ended up breaking a lot of Yoongi’s things over the following years. From the pre-debut days to the post-debut ones.

It was easy for him to not show it on broadcast. His love. Taehyung was fickle-minded and easy-to-be-distracted kind. Also, he didn’t love Yoongi in the way where he wanted to jump around him all the time though Yoongi made him nervous and made him jump all the same. He was okay if Yoongi looked at his antics a bit more critically than what he spared for Jungkook or, Jimin or, any of the other members for that matter. He just wanted a little bit of that acknowledgment. He knew Yoongi didn’t particularly hate him or, dislike him. He was just not very comfortable with his feelings. Taehyung was even okay with that. He could understand. After all, Yoongi was straight and they were in a boy group with only five other members living in a small dorm.

There also were times when just he and Yoongi would be alone. They would be enjoying each others’ company and Yoongi would be smiling his gummy smile which would break Taehyung’s heart a little bit more and make him fall in love with his hyung a teensy bit more. The problem first started when Taehyung realised his love wasn’t just an abstract feeling any longer but that it had taken a physical turn. He was a young, healthy teenager who was developing physical attraction for the rapper. Being gay and an idol spelled disaster but, it took a back burner for him since thinking about Min Yoongi that way was more.. sacrilegious to him. Yoongi was his hyung. His band member. Yet another straight male idol. What in the world was Taehyung thinking? Yoongi who disliked people of Taehyung’s nature. Even if Yoongi were gay, he, Taehyung wouldn’t have been his type. May be someone like Jimin could have been.

Then, there was that. Jimin. His best friend who was close to Yoongi in a way Taehyung could never hope to be. Yoongi let Jimin get away with a lot of things which he could never imagine for himself. If Taehyung wanted something, he made Jimin do it because Yoongi would reject the idea outright otherwise. In fact, Seokjin or, Hoseok had better chances of making the cute rapper do something which he didn’t want to. Taehyung didn’t understand why, he just knew he was the last one on Yoongi’s list. Always. He loved Jimin but, sometimes he couldn’t help feeling jealous about them. Even if the two boys were straight. Even if Jimin had expressly asked for Taehyung’s permission: if he could continue to be with Yoongi the way he was; if Taehyung was okay with it since Yoongi was Jimin’s favourite hyung too. Taehyung had laughed hysterically and asked Jimin to shut up. “Yah, do you think Yoongi hyung is a property? He does not belong to me.” Jimin had laughed sheepishly and they had proceeded to roll all over their floor wrestling. When Jimin left a few minutes later because Yoongi was searching something and needed the dancer’s help to look for it, Taehyung hated the way jealousy had flared in him instantly. He hated how sometimes he would unconsciously hate his best friend for being the closest to the boy he loved.

Nevertheless, Taehyung didn’t hold any grudges. He didn’t love Yoongi out of any condition. His heart fell in love with the older boy. He had no say in it. He blamed himself for all the distance between him and the short member.

It was a month before I Need You promotions were to kick off. Even that morning it was all good with Yoongi. Or, at least, as much one could hope them to be. Taehyung had been in the kitchen looking for the pocky stick Jungkook had stashed away, hiding it from him. Yoongi had come in a t-shirt too long for him and a loose lowers which fell below his ankles and black socks hiding his pale feet. He knew Yoongi was not a morning person. So, he watched silently with his arms crossed, leaning against the counter. Yoongi was shuffling around, muttering curses at Namjoon hyung for putting the coffee ground jar yet again on the upper rack behind other containers where Yoongi wouldn’t be able to reach. He was enjoying the scene before him. Min Yoongi was so cute. When he thought Yoongi might snap and bite somebody (and he would definitely be one of the first casualties), he went silently, on his tip toes and stretched his right hand to pick the jar up. Yoongi startled and banged into him and Taehyung automatically braced his left hand against the counter. All it took was a heartbeat for Taehyung to realize the position they were in - Yoongi cornered and pressed against him. He gulped. Yoongi did not turn around. They stood still.

“Taehyung..” Yoongi’s voice was so deep and rough probably, from sleep and a sudden hunger he had never felt before awoke in him.

“Tae..” Yoongi being with him there, like that and saying his name in that voice.. His blood suddenly pooled in a southward direction - his eyes widened and . The jar slipped from his hand and it crashed loudly and shattered. He flinched and jumped back. Yoongi, however, turned around slowly. They both were wearing matching set of horrified expressions. He wanted to apologize, say something but, he was dumbstruck. He shook his head fervently and ran from there with tail tucked between his legs.

He refused to meet Yoongi’s eyes during the journey. All the members had gone back home. Since both of them were from Daegu, they were going together. They were to return in four days and their rigourous practice will begin. He put as much distance as was possible between him and Yoongi who seemed to notice it but, was keeping quiet about it. The journey was as awkward. as. Hell. Taehyung was antsy the entire time, fidgeting in his seat. The cab booked for them was to drop Yoongi first and then, him - a decision he regretted a lot.

Because he was nervous and nervousness made him do unbelievably stupid things. When Yoongi was unloading his luggage, Taehyung helped him. He needed to keep himself from not making blunders. No. He did disasters. First, he dropped the heavy duffle bag right on Yoongi’s left foot. That was.. okay. Considerably. He opened his mouth to say sorry but, his stupid stupid mouth had other plans. Instead, he confessed.

“I love you, hyung.”

In the middle of Min family’s driveway where there were people around and Yoongi was trying to take the luggage off his foot. Taehyung did not notice Yoongi’s parents a few steps away. Yet again, Taehyung had to run away from the crime scene. He hauled the other bag out, dumping it on a flabbergasted Min Yoongi’s hands and jumped into the cab and barked at the driver to drive away as fast possible. He made a screeching noise in frustration. He tried to pull his hair out. He was an idiot. Such an idiot. Idiot, idiot, bloody idiot.

When they met again those four excruciatingly slow and painful days later, Yoongi was as normal as ever and yet, Taehyung knew something had changed. At first, the singer thought he was imagining. Yoongi being even more closer to Jimin than he already was when Taehyung was around. How he was being more sarcastic and snarky to him when Hoseok, Jungkook and Taehyung were fooling around. His remarks were passed calmly and coolly and they stung a lot.

May be he did make a mistake in falling in love with him. May be he shouldn’t have, but, what else could he have done? He tried. He did try a lot to not like him or, fall out of being in love with Min Yoongi but, with every passing day it became more and more difficult for him not to. May be he shouldn’t have confessed but, could Yoongi not forget it? Act like he hadn’t heard anything? Ignore it? The way Taehyung was trying to with his feelings. Denying it.

Then there was that one time - a few months after the Idiotic Confession Incident, when Cypher had been released and Taehyung thought how cool s were especially, Idol Suga. He loved Cypher III, Yoongi’s lines in it. How direct he was being towards his haters and that ending!!! He was in awe. He made it his ringtone. s were praiseworthy for coming out on top even after receiving so much of hate from so many directions and even after not being backed by a top company like YG or, SM. They had been drinking and celebrating the occasion. Technically, only the elder members were drinking. Jimin and Taehyung had sneaked in some liquor for themselves and got wasted. They all had been yelling and being noisy in general. Jungkook had been alternating between glaring at them and turning on the adorable puppy eyes on them. Neither worked. He sipped his cola bitterly.

On finding Yoongi missing for a really long time, they made a beeline for the studio. The alarm in Taehyung’s brain was screaming like a banshee but, he ignored it. He followed Hoseok and Namjoon. Yoongi scowled seeing them and asked them to wait for another fifteen minutes. He would come out, promise. But, Hyung told that an hour back! They argued.

Taehyung even now cannot tell what happened exactly. He was drunk after all. They were trying to pull Yoongi out of his seat who was being absurdly obstinate about it. Why Taehyung thought shutting down the stupid electronic system would be a wise idea is still a mystery to him. He did not shut down anything. No. The noise that left Yoongi and the furious look in his eyes told him he had ed up.

“Get out.” Yoongi had shouted. “Get the out before I do something I’ll regret. Get the out right now.”

Taehyung had scrambled out. He didn’t go back to the dorm. He went outside. His eyes filled up with tears. Why did it happen with him always? He just wanted Yoongi to have fun. His heart felt heavy. Why did Yoongi have to shout? Why ask him to get out? He wanted to apologise. He went to the nearby convenience store and sat down on the cool pavement. He liked that spot. The sky was clear. He couldn’t see stars though. He wish he could. He pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them and fell asleep watching the night sky.

Taehyung was woken up by the Ahjumma who worked in the night shift in the store. She informed him that the workers in the morning shift were young people and might recognise him. Taehyung hugged her back. She was a nice lady. He went back to the dorm, afraid of what might wait him.

If he thought his heart broke when Yoongi shouted at him and practically, threw him out of the studio and that nothing could be worse than that, he was being naive. He was indeed the idiot that Yoongi always told him he was. His heart did not just break. It shattered into millions of bits and pieces and Yoongi trampled all over those shards each and every single day. He knew the mixtape was very precious to Yoongi. Even that was an understatement. Yoongi guarded it with his life. It had his dedicated hours of labour. Taehyung laid all that to waste by pressing on the clear button. Or, delete. None of them can tell what exactly happened then. Just that Taehyung had somehow managed to up yet again. Yoongi rejected him in every action. In every utterance. All the members, one by one, came to understand the reason behind the rising tension between them. Slowly, even the staff became aware of it.

What hurt Taehyung, however, the most was when Jimin got dragged into it. Jimin wanted to help solve the issue and ended up getting into an argument with the rapper. But, Park Jimin could not live without talking to Yoongi, without teasing the older boy. Taehyung explained to his best friend to not avoid his favourite hyung just because of him. “Taehyung can live with Yoongi being angry at him but, not with his Jiminnie sad.” Jimin had cried and promised to resolve it all one day. Taehyung smiled at him. Being cooped up in the dorm all the time when they had no schedule or, practice made him even more restless. He would call up his friend Myungsoo or, a few others and they would go out somewhere. Seeing Jimin being so careless around Yoongi made him jealous which, in turn, made him feel guilty. He did not want to think of his best friend like that.

One time, when he reached the practice room late because he had just gone out and their dance trainer had dropped in without a word, Yoongi asked him coldly if he thought being an idol was a game to him, if he ever took anything seriously. Did he think the others were taking their life like a joke too? He could treat his however he wanted. He had no right to do that with others. If he wanted to continue to be the reckless child that he was, he could very well leave. Everyone had been watching them in confusion and stunned silence. Hoseok had snapped out of the daze first and growled at Yoongi to cut Taehyung some slack. Taehyung ignored everyone’s eyes on him during the rest of the practice. He danced exactly the way he would dance usually - putting neither too much effort into it with determination (and, trying to nurse his ego) nor, slowing down due to the humiliation.

He felt worse when Yoongi would apologise to him later. Even that night, when everyone had gone to sleep and Taehyung was going to the toilet, he had found Yoongi sitting on the couch. His head snapped up seeing Taehyung.

“Taehy-”

“It’s okay, hyung. I know you didn’t mean it.”

Whenever Yoongi apologised, Taehyung felt sad because it was Yoongi’s nature - he would feel guilty for anything he assumed he had done wrongly. Taehyung assured him he was okay Yoongi did not have to say sorry for that. This became repetitive. Over months. When Yoongi would.. flirt with Jimin ( or, what Taehyung considered to be flirting, anyway) he would always glance towards him at least once and smirk. Taehyung would always catch that glimpse and lower his head in dejection. He tried to ignore the way his heart felt right then. But, Yoongi too would notice it and say Jimin something sarcastic and leave. He failed to understand Min Yoongi.

He hurt the most when he realized Yoongi hated what Yoongi did. He was sure even the rapper did not know the exact reason behind his actions. And, every single time, he forgave him.

***

It had been BTS Live HYYH On Stage: Epilogue at the Olympic Gymnastics Arena. They were jumping around the stage. They were enjoying themselves. The atmosphere was fantastic. Their fans were great. His friends had come. Even his parents had come and he had shed tears in happiness. The feeling was overwhelming. He had wanted to sneak a glance at Yoongi. To see his reaction, his facial expressions. To know what he was feeling right then. What he saw broke his heart because Yoongi was bowing down to his parents who had come to watch him. The rapper was lying down on the stage and bowing. Taehyung felt so proud; for himself, for s and for Yoongi. The way the rapper’s shoulders were shaking he could tell he was crying. Taehyung felt like crying too. Tears of happiness. He wanted to go over to the older idol and tell him ‘it’s okay, hyung’, ‘they are proud of you’. That was when he first felt it as he watched Jimin go to their favourite hyung. It was like several thorns piercing his chest at once. His eyes bulged in the sudden momentary pain before he shut them in reflex. His head reeled. He covered the mouth piece of the mic in reflex as he gasped. He tried to blink his tears away. Jimin was rubbing Yoongi’s shoulders. He wanted to be there. He wanted to do that; to be that source of comfort. He could feel prickles in his chest and his breathing stuttered. He felt choked up. He could never do or, be where Jimin was now. He was hurting. He was running out of breath. He was.. He was.. It was getting difficult to even think, it hurt . The pangs in his chest were so intense. He turned his head the other way. The other members had moist eyes too - seeing Yoongi. He hoped nobody saw him; hoped nobody noticed what just happened. He was glad everyone was distracted. Because he could tell what had just happened to him. It was a long time coming anyway.

May be because the love and the pain he had felt before had not been as much as right then he thought darkly.

The concert continued with everyone being emotional and sentimental and fun and all the things Taehyung couldn’t concentrate upon any longer. His head was spinning. His world had tilted on it’s axis. He had expected it and yet, he was not ready. Not so soon. He was panicking. He was sweating in fear. He joked and laughed and engaged himself in doing everything possible for his 4D image as an idol. It took his mind away from it but, only for sometime. After all, it was in him. Growing inside of him, his end.

***

When Taehyung was four years, he had attended an uncle’s funeral. Said uncle he had hardly met. He had been reclusive and stayed in countryside or, so he had heard. Taehyung didn’t know anything about him except for that he had been very young at the time of his death and ‘a poor soul who deserved better’. When Taehyung was in Middle School, he learned that that uncle who had died under ‘mysterious’ circumstances had been in love with the wife he had divorced, who had cheated on him and had left him.

“How mum? How can he die because of loving someone?” Twelve year old Taehyung could not comprehend when his mother explained that sometimes some very few people on this planet suffered from this very rare disease. His uncle could never recover from the loss. He could never stop being in love with his ex wife. His lungs filled with petals of a flower. He died. The story fascinated little Taehyung. He believed in love. He believed in dying for love. He swore to himself if he ever fell in love, he was not going to let it be ordinary. Instead, he was going to die for it. He was impressed with his dead uncle.

***

When they reached their dorms after the long tiring and exhausting schedule of the concert, he let everyone else go the bathroom first. He didn’t fight with Jungkook for it. He perched himself on the couch, playing games on his phone, delaying.

“What you doing, kid?” It was Yoongi. His voice was hoarse from crying. Taehyung swallowed. He shouldn’t have looked at Yoongi at such a private moment even if the world might have seen it. Recorded it. He opened his mouth to give his usual random answer. He closed his mouth. He couldn’t think what he could say. Am sorry, hyung but, am proud of you? Am sorry, hyung but, I think, I am having a panic attack right now but, I am trying to ignore it? Am sorry, hyung, but, I think, being in love with you was a wrong idea.

“Taehyung?”

“Nothing.” Taehyung tossed his phone beside him and made a beeline for the door. He could not stand being around Yoongi right then. He came back to pick his jacket up. Yoongi was still standing there, frowning. He looked so cute. A cute grumpy frowning kitty. He winced at the sudden zap kind of feeling in his chest and clutched it. He fell forwards, bracing his hands on the arms of the couch. He felt Yoongi’s hand on his right arm. It burnt through his skin. He brushed his hand aside and picked his jacket. He turned around, not meeting the other idol’s eyes and left.

“We have to wake up early.”

He heard the short member shout after him. Taehyung took determined steps away from him.

Even though Taehyung had never met anyone who had suffered from Hanahaki, he had read all about it. It had fascinated him till he had got bored of it and moved on to something else. That’s how the singer could tell the reason behind the sudden ache in his chest during the concert. The next morning when Taehyung woke up and dried blood off his lips, he was sure he had got his wish - a childhood not-well thought out wish. He was dying for his love. Because unrequited love led to Hanahaki. The flower growing in the lungs was like fungus festering. Everyone had different petals depending on the love and the relationship one shared with the other person. Hanahaki like any other disease could be diagnosed and be treated against. All that was required was surgery. That was all that would take to remove it out of one’s systems and be done with it. Yet, it wasn’t as simple as that. It couldn’t be. A love, a pain of that kind of suffering where it would lead to such a condition could not be dealt with just like that. Patients, victims, forlorn lovers however one chose to call them, they would not give up on it because surgery meant removal of the feelings entirely. One would forget how they loved that someone. So, they refused and those who refused, the only thing left for them was death.

Taehyung tried to stay on guard. He avoided Yoongi like plague for the next two days. He ran away from being in the same room if it meant they had to be the only ones. He exchanged his seat with Jimin if he was by any chance seated next to Yoongi. He tried to be subtle at first but, soon he was giving up on it. Later, he tried to be nonchalant about it. When Jimin approached him and asked him what was wrong and did Yoongi hyung say you something again? Taehyung laughed only to press a hand against his mouth in time afraid Jimin might notice the petal he was trying to suppress from throwing up. They started in ones and twos. One in the first half of the day. Three in the next half. He tried to hate Yoongi. He tried to despise him but, he just hopelessly, fell more in love. He could see the older boy being being bothered by his behaviour. He could tell he was feeling guilty without actually having done anything. One time Yoongi did almost corner (it was sometime right before one of their last promotional shoots for Fire Comeback) him when he was rushing towards the bathroom, trying to stifle the sickness and the looming threat of vomit. Taehyung had been distracted with ‘what would be the number today? Would it have increased?’ He had been, otherwise, doing a great job of avoiding him.

“Tae-” He pushed past Yoongi, dashing towards the bathroom.

“Later!” He ran to the bathroom and locked himself in.

He was afraid Yoongi might stop him but, the grey-haired idol did not. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to hide his tears or, explain away the withered petals in his hands.

***

The matter of doing anything about It went out of his hand when Namjoon came to wake him up on the third day because they were getting late for shooting for the VLive thing for the Fire comeback. Taehyung had set an alarm. He was getting up the earliest the last two days to make sure there was no petal or, a single spot of blood for anyone to see. He had been getting less sleep may be that’s why he had missed the alarm and overslept. He sat up, rubbing his face with his palms.

“Taehyung?”

The tone of Namjoon’s baritone voice cut through the grogginess. He was instantly alert and saw what Namjoon was seeing. His blanket was stained with blood. The corner of his mouth and where it had trickled down his skin - from his chin to his right ear and down his neck, there was a trail of dried blood. Even his pillowcase. There was so much yellow around him, fresh and bright, his brain was being unable to process.

“Is this what I think it is?” The group leader was eyeing the blood and the petals like they were some kind of sick joke that his eyes were playing on him. He cursed Namjoon’s smartness. Why could he not be dumb when he needed him to be?

Namjoon suddenly turned around and Taehyung jumped out of his bunk and fell on him. They both crashed on the floor. Namjoon groaned loudly and tried to push away the red-haired singer who was trying to lock him under him. Taehyung pinned him to the floor.

“Hyung, I’ll explain. Please don’t-”

Just then the door opened and Jimin entered, looked at them, covered his eyes and ran out. “Nooo.. My eyes have been burnt.” They heard Seokjin shouting at Jimin and Jungkook too probably.

“Hyung, please listen to me.” He hissed, turning his gaze back on to the leader. “Don’t say anyone anything.”

“Are you mad?” Namjoon hissed back, his eyes narrowed.

“No.”, he pleaded. “He-”

The door opened for the second time and they watched in horror as Seokjin entered. He was holding a wet piece of cloth in his hand. He locked the door behind him. He pulled Taehyung up with a force. Seokjin pressed the cloth against his face. He looked undeterred with the blood on his face like he almost expected it. He wiped the blood away gingerly. By then, Namjoon had managed to stand on his feet, cradling the back of his head in his hands.

“You.” Seokjin pointed his one finger at the leader and warned, “will not speak a word about this. To anyone. Be grateful Jimin did not see this.” Seokjin was looking at him now and he gulped. “We will talk about this when we come back.”

There was a flash of something akin to worry in Seokjin’s eyes when he turned towards the bunk and pulled the bed sheet and the blanket. He rolled them in a bunch. “Please go get ready.”

“Hyung” both Taehyung and Namjoon began for entirely different reasons.

“Do you want others to know why we are still