"Like those dead leaves there that have fallen and are flying
My love is collapsing without strength
Your heart is only going further away, I can’t grab you
I can’t grab you anymore"

BTS - Dead Leaves

((Marigold - Cruelty, Grief, Jealousy) )

Yoongi is going through their Soundcloud tracks to check the covers his group mates had uploaded in his absence. Hoseok had finally uploaded their Heartless cover. He is worried for his friend but it was too late to do anything about it since his friend had already left for the compulsory military service. He lazily scrolled through the list finding the number of tracks on there more than what he had expected. Most of them are by Jungkook and Taehyung. His thumb hovers over the I Hate You, I Love You link. It is surprisingly with Hoseok. He plays it. The singer and his rapper friend’s voice compliment each other’s. Yoongi checks the date of the upload and surmises that it was before the Fight. He scrolls some more to check if Hoseok and Taehyung had posted more such songs. Between that song and an earlier Taehyung song (a cover of Halsey’s Sorry), it is mostly Namjoon’s and Jungkook’s. Yoongi doesn’t know why he is looking in particular for something by Taehyung. He hits the play button as soon as he finds it. Taehyung’s deep, soulful voice floats through the speakers.

I took a chance on this

The pen Yoongi’s tattooing on the desk stops.

I took too big a risk
And now I’m left with pain to get me high

Yoongi almost presses the stop button.

'Cause how is the man of my dreams not a man of his words?
And how is the man for me just a man that makes me hurt?

He starts scratching on the notepad in front of him with the blue tip of the pen, staring at the bright screen. Jungkook’s soft, melodious voice takes over and the tip of the pen digs into the paper.

It's time to take
Take my own advice, take my own advice
Need me to take my own
Take my own advice, take my own advice

Taehyung’s voice comes back in the audio and Yoongi scratches the surface of the blue-stained paper harder.

You had to break me, take me
To make me better
But I had to save me, baby
Now or never

It ends with Jungkook’s back vocals and Yoongi stops going through any of their other uploads. He cancels the pop-up window and gets up from his seat and leaves the studio. He has suddenly lost the inspiration to work on a song which he had finally been able to muster.

*

Yoongi meets Taehyung in their second fanmeet after his and Seokjin’s release from military enlistment. Yoongi wants to take matters into his hand and talk to Taehyung without having to wait for the boy to show up (since when did they even do that? Wait for the other to show up?) Yoongi hasn’t been able to grasp the situation - that is perhaps why he doesn’t expect what is about to happen. He is still stuck in the phase where he had left and the situation feels ludicrous. He talks to Sejin hyung who promptly shuts the idea down and tells him to forget it. It’ll be a ‘waste of time’ and ‘am not sure what you are hoping to achieve with that’ is what he says. Sejin refuses to tell him where the younger man lives. Yoongi could easily find out and he does find out the address later but doesn’t take any step to contact the other man. He isn’t sure what stops him but something does hold him back and gives himself two more days; to see Taehyung at the fanmeet and then he’ll decide what to do next.

As they pile into the hall, taking their seats and start without Taehyung (as Seokjin informs the crowd that the idol-actor is running late and will be joining them anytime soon), the taller man’s thoughts disappear from Yoongi’s mind but then he is hearing the entire hall break into thunderous clapping and cheering and looks up from the photobook he is signing to look at the reason for the commotion. He knows it is for Taehyung before he sees him. Taehyung, who is wearing a simple porpoise polo neck jumper and a simple black duffle coat over it with a pair of black skinny jeans and a PUMA trainers (Yoongi can’t help roll his eyes a little at that) pulling his black beanie off his head and Yoongi’s breath hitches. Taehyung is dressed very simple and yet he is so breathtaking. His nose is red, cheeks flushed from cold and Yoongi wants to rub his mitten-clad hands on those cheeks to warm him up. He doesn’t notice his heart picking up a little speed. Taehyung is addressing the crowd, holding their attention and his own too.

“Oppa?”

The girl in front of him calls out and Yoongi blushes. He quickly signs it and waits for her to move on. She has a weird expression on her face and he knows this too will be going down into the fan accounts. . He shouldn’t be so obvious, especially, not since Taehyung is chattering like his usual self, already joking with the others. He can feel Seokjin’s eyes alternating between him and Taehyung. Yoongi has to remind himself to look up, to breath normally and not frown when Taehyung throws jab at his way or, to laugh at his silliness. He had forgotten that even though it is the first time Seokjin and he are ‘meeting’ Taehyung since they came back, it isn’t so in the eyes of ARMY and the others.

It is the first time he is seeing Taehyung since he realised he is in love with the other man.

He doesn’t want to be shallow but Taehyung’s visuals are very distracting and he has to constantly remind himself to turn his eyes away after the appropriate time to look at a team member is over.

The two years he had spent in army, he had imagined several scenarios in which this would go - bumping into each other at the dorms, meeting each other at Daegu. One of the lieutenants he used to chat with who used to take a lot of friendly interest in Yoongi’s life used to ask him if he was always lost in a daze was because he was missing his lover and who was the lucky girl. Yoongi had shaken his head saying he had no one. On the days when he was in a good mood, he’d say, ‘I am hoping they’ll be mine after I go back.’ On the other days, he’d remember that Taehyung had almost died because of him. What did it matter if Yoongi loved him now? Wasn’t that even more sickening? That he was hoping Taehyung to accept him after he pushed the younger towards death? In those particular days, Yoongi punished himself by testing his mind and body to limits. He had ended up in the infirmary thrice.

Pushing away the dark thoughts, Yoongi tries to be cheerful, cute and be sarcastic as is required of him and the evening comes to an end. Taehyung is gone even before he can bat an eyelid. Seokjin doesn’t come to talk to him about it later in the night who has moved into the next room with Jimin as both Hoseok and Taehyung spots are empty. Yoongi knows Seokjin did that for Jimin who needs that comfort, that love and a shoulder to lean on that he had been missing for two years. So Yoongi doesn’t stop him. He tries to spend more time with the younger boy who is always happy to lap up all the attention as long as they are in the dorm and then Jimin is farthest from him, slinging his arm over Seokjin’s shoulder.

Taehyung doesn’t turn up at the next fanmeet or the one after that.

Suddenly the memories of the other’s impromptu Daegu house trip which Yoongi holds close to himself begins to fall apart, chunks pull out as if it never happened in the first place as doubt begins to creep into them. From experience, he knows Taehyung can pretend and avoid him but at least they could talk on a friendly level? He thinks they had mended their relationship at least that much.

Yoongi is sipping his morning coffee at the table, flipping through the newspaper when his phone buzzes. He needs to get ready in 30 minutes. He is going for Return of Superman shoot. He sighs. He doesn’t know why he is going. Jimin or, Jungkook would make more sense. He had said this to Sejin who had said with a knowing look in his eyes that Taehyung will be there too. The younger male is still rebuilding his image (not that he needs it, Jungkook informs him one day since Taehyung with all the sympathy and pity and BTS V image, popularity and acting skills to bank upon has bounced back into the scene with a crazy rising popularity of Hallyu level that the Daegu singer is arguably one of the most popular celebrity courtesy of the national court case right now) and his love for children makes him the best choice from Bangtan. Yoongi is going to cement his place back in the idol industry after a two years break. Fans need to see him and that too with kids - something as new for him as for everybody else. He is banking on Taehyung’s natural skills of handling kids to save him and he hopes to all the almighties that the kids are not a nuisance. It is too early to deal with that just for ‘image’ but he is an idol and this is part of his job description. He, unenthusiastically, bites off the end of the bread he has been chewing for the last five minutes. Yoongi watches from the corner of his eyes as Jimin slinks off from the dorm and the rapper dunks his bread back into the bowl filled with milk. The white liquid sloshes and he gets up from his seat. He has nothing against Jimin. No, he is very happy for his dongsaeng who gets to date and gets to be with whosoever he wants to be with. At least, Jimin can. There is a possibility. He has in the past and he can in the future again unlike Yoongi who isn’t even allowed to tell that the person he loves isn’t a girl.

At least, theoretically, Jimin can declare to the world who he loves. Seokjin, Namjoon, Jungkook, Hoseok all of them can. Yoongi can never tell he loves his group mate, the one whom he had led to death.

The one whom he is nervous to meet. He isn’t going to think ahead of things but ..

*

Taehyung walks up to him, his make up on time, looking as breathtaking and ethereal as ever. How is this person even real? Yoongi’s grip on his phone tucked in his coat’s pocket tightens and tries to relax his stiff shoulders.

“Morning, Hyung. I hope the shoot didn’t disturb your sleep too much.” Taehyung looks apologetic, his voice even and the slight smile on his lips is the one Yoongi has seen him use to try and remain polite while being friendly with a senior. It isn’t like the usual Taehyung smile and Yoongi frowns.

“Why the are you talking like that?” He is quick to retort and catches the twitch in the singer’s fingers.

“I was just hoping the reschedule to this hour wasn’t an inconvenience for you.” The polite demeanour is instantly dropped as he shrugs his shoulder, stuffing his larger hands into his coat’s pockets and walks past him. Yoongi turns around to catch the broad shoulders disappearing through the open doors, followed by an instant cooing sound and Yoongi stares at his shoes covering his toes. He wonders if it was too early to meet the younger boy. Maybe he isn’t ready to lose the image locked in his head. Everyone in their own subtle ways (and not so much in Jimin’s case) told about ‘what Taehyung is like now’. Honestly, he finds it hard to believe.

Especially, as he toes off his shoes near the door and enters to find Taehyung holding the girl up, one hand petting her head and the other under her to hold her up.

Yoongi’s entire morning and afternoon goes well. In most of the shoot, the rapper spends his time talking to the girl’s father while the singer is busy running around the house chasing the screaming-with-laughter girl. As Yoongi drinks the coffee the father has offered, he smiles thinking how love changes everything. Changed him. If it isn’t that what else can explain he is okay with a loud young child and an equally loud adult in close quarters right in the morning. Hell, Yoongi is smiling, his heart squeezing each time Taehyung paused while running to help the baby girl stand back up, or, the comforting sweet nothings he whispers to calm her down as her limbs get bruised from the falls. As Taehyung motions for him to bring her bowl of seaweed soup which she despises and Yoongi automatically picks the bowl up from the dining table and goes to him no questions asked. It isn’t because of the cameras trained on him. Yoongi sits down next to them and watches Taehyung feed the girl, blowing air at the spoon to cool the liquid. Yoongi watches them with disgustingly gooey eyes (the cameras capture it too well). He plays along whenever the other idol signals him to. He does everything Taehyung tells him to. He holds Sora in his arms as Taehyung wipes her tiny hands with a wet tissue and follows whatever instructions he is given. Yoongi has always known that Taehyung is good with kids but it is something different to be with him and pretend it is just them both alone with that kid in the world for a moment. Return of Superman is like living the alternate version of their lives and Yoongi’s heart skips a beat as he realises that this is something he is okay with if it is in his future. That he might want it for his future.

As Taehyung pulls the tiny colourful socks up covering the tiny feet while Yoongi is holding Sora up yet again, Yoongi’s eyes search fervently at the image in front of him. He pats the girl on the back but it is himself he is trying to comfort because with the realisation of wanting this domestic life with Kim Taehyung comes the reminder that this is something he can never have. Family won’t be okay with it, friends won’t be okay with it, ARMY will not be okay with it, society won’t be okay with it. More importantly, Taehyung will not be okay with it.

The sudden sting is perhaps not from the light but is from the understanding that he doesn’t stand a chance. As the singer gives one pat on the pulled up socks and smiles at the girl his thousand watts smile and melts her heart, he is breaking Yoongi’s heart. He takes Sora from Yoongi like he snatches from Yoongi his dream. His wish. Taehyung takes her away and hands her back to her father. She is crying because she knows they are going back - the lights are being turned off, the cameras are being put away. Everyone is bidding the other a goodbye. Yoongi watches Taehyung kiss the baby girl on the cheeks and promise her to visit her again someday and then, he is slipping his feet into boots and leaving the house - not even with a second glance at Yoongi. Sejin nudges him into action and soon the Daegu rapper is in his company van bound for BigHit office while Taehyung is in another van bound for who knows where.

As the vans stop at the crossroads waiting for the traffic signal post to show the green light and Yoongi sees Taehyung waving at the fans, he finally begins to feel the divide between them. Working with the Daegu singer felt like working with a professional, another idol of another company - not V of Bangtan. Not their Taetae.

As Yoongi rolls the black glass of the van back up, he tries to ignore the warning bells of an impending heartbreak.

Their Return of Superman rakes in a lot of ratings. They get offers for commercials to do together - whether it is SK Telecom or PUMA. Their duo is accepted with a lot of love. Everyone, as expected, had loved Taehyung in the episode. They had liked Yoongi in it as the ‘supporting figure.’ Then, the PUMA ad happens. In it, Yoongi is waiting at the bus stop and a bicycle stops next to him with a lot of shots zooming onto the trainers’ which Taehyung is wearing. Several similar montages later, Yoongi is finally sitting behind Taehyung on the bike as the latter drops him to his store. In part two of the ad, Yoongi is inviting him to his store which is a musical instruments store. Taehyung gestures him to play the piano and so Yoongi does. Yoongi has no idea why the ad gives off a romantic vibe when it cannot be like that but, he is well aware that it is a marketing strategy - fans are into the whole pairing and PUMA is good at selling their stuff. For the first time, Taehyung and Yoongi’s ‘coupling’* rises in the fandom and Yoongi will not deny it makes him a little satisfied. Fans can see it in his eyes. Some may think that the eyes he is giving Taehyung in the ad are because he may have been directed to do so but they will be plain wrong. It is Yoongi and his love alone but it also makes him sad. These commercials are the only ways in which he can have love in Taehyung’s eyes directed towards him. Yoongi is well aware that he doesn’t deserve those eyes but he is selfish. He has long since accepted that about himself and he is going to take what he is going to get. He feels guilty but still. He is a human after all.

While this happens, Jin and Jimin release a cover of Run by Amber and Yoongi is asked to produce a cover featuring Taehyung. He’d really like to produce a whole song for Taehyung but he isn’t given much time. So, he lets Taehyung choose the song and just composes rap for his half of the song and tinkers around till his rap meshes with the original version of Troye Sivan’s Heaven. The cover is received with a lot of love. ARMY wants to see more of their duet performances. They are excited to see their Duet Acts live.

Only Yoongi knows the awkward silences in the studio when he arranged the song and composed his half and tried to direct Taehyung through the recording. He is the only one who knows how Taehyung’s personal manager lurks in the corridor, keeping an eye on them. Had he thought Yoongi would jump on Taehyung or had he thought they’d get into a rowing match?

Yoongi and Taehyung end up performing in the KBC Song Festival with a new rendition of Please, Don’t by K. Will giving a tribute to the singer. Of course, the irony of performing that song in the crowd is not lost to him. He wonders if the taller idol is choosing these songs just to mess with him. He can’t even straight up ask because Taehyung won’t answer he knows. The singer is the epitome of professionalism, smiling politely when required, nodding where required and giving his feedback if he feels necessary. When they weren’t interacting during the practice, Taehyung sits in a corner playing on his tab and Yoongi fiddles with his phone. His eyes will always end up gazing at the singer. He will sigh and glance away. He can’t blame Taehyung for not beginning any conversation. It isn’t like he has uttered any word if it isn’t for work. Most of the practice, however, thankfully, is done separately and he is used to the usual drill of practice. But when on stage as per the customary rules the performers have to look at each other, Yoongi’s heart stops.

I’m standing here paralysed

Wanna keep standing in the scent left in the car

It is his thoughts Taehyung is singing, holding his eyes.

And, I don’t want to wake up from the dream

Taehyung’s high notes give him goosebumps. The singer looks away, towards the set audience.

Please don’t do this, please

Maybe the glistening eyes of the singer is just the studio lights and his wishful thinking.

*

When they are shooting for “mini Run” or, “mini BTS Gayo” episodes, Jimin always teams up with him if the other two members are Jungkook and Seokjin. But, on the days Taehyung is able to join their shoot, Jimin leaves him alone for Seokjin or even Jungkook. The latter two don’t choose Taehyung to Yoongi’s utter surprise. Not even a single time. Not even for the cameras. Even if they all seem to have a good rapport on screen, the fact that Jungkook doesn’t even look at Taehyung outside of what is absolutely required confounds him and speaks sheer volumes of what might have transpired between them.

The situation of their group hurts him. It isn’t just his relationship with Taehyung that confuses him - the strained relationship between almost all of them hurts Yoongi. He used to be so proud of Bangtan for being close and now.. it is just an empty shell.

***

A year passes like that before anything more significant happens. Jin and Jimin always seemed surprised how Yoongi of all people had the best rapport with the Daegu singer. Yoongi doesn’t know how to explain to them that they are just two professional idols working side by side. Not anything more.

While Taehyung becomes a constant beep in the background, making his heart flutter every now and then, he still isn’t anything more than that. Yoongi believes he hasn’t yet achieved that place where he deserves the other idol’s love. So, he is working his way through it slowly. Yoongi sort of dates Kihyun and for an even shorter while one of the actresses from one of their first MVs with female actresses. And when he may or may not be dating them, Taehyung has marked off many more artists from his list of Celebs To Sleep With. Most of the time, he turns a blind eye to them but sometimes when some rumours, some red blotches on Taehyung’s skin on some nights he can’t deny it the full way, he wants to vomit.

BigHit changes hands of chairmanship from Bang Sihyuk to his nephew Choi Heonwoo who turns out to be one of the staffs from their initial years. He had been a back then. Now, he is a handsome who relishes in reminding Yoongi about his white maid uniform and how delectable he had looked in it. The rapper can recognise it as a ual harassment but he welcomes it as a good source of distraction grudgingly. Nevertheless, he gives as good as he gets. Heonwoo never crosses that line and Yoongi is well aware that their new Chairman had single handedly saved Taehyung from the national scandal. So, he begrudgingly gives the man where credit is due and just limits himself to snark.

Though one time his snark lands him in a date to the delight of Jimin and Jin. After the “outing” Yoongi realises that Heonwoo isn’t too bad and that it wouldn’t be so bad to go out with him again.

Even here he is bound by professional ties among others. His schedule and Heonwoo’s non-BTS commitment keeps them away from each other and Yoongi doesn’t find it thrilling. Heonwoo turns out to be a very thoughtful, family oriented man. They both are aware that Bang Sihyuk’s family will have no objection to them if anything concrete between them ever transpires but their work keeps them apart and Yoongi knows nothing concrete will ever come to pass.

He is still very much in love with Taehyung.

That thought relaxes him as much as it pains him. It shows him how that love is real. It is not guilt trying to make things up in his mind. It is in his heart and it hurts. And, Hurt soothes him.

About a year passes and Hoseok and Namjoon’s release from the military is nearing when he understands what Taehyung is like. Finally, the way he treats everyone in the group sinks in - in his