velvetmajesty (formerly signup) - Unfelt (Sehun x Luhan Version)

(Requested: 10.6.14, Finished: 10.11.14)

[*Post-Review Note: The author of "Unfelt" currently has only the Sehun x Luhan Version of the story available on her site. I did the review on her Sehun x OC Version.]

*****Reviewer's Note: Hello, signup! (I think I need to take some time getting used to your username, haha.) Let me first apologize for the late review... Not only did I have a rough week, I also had a lot of homework to finish... Anyway, here is your review and upon your request, I did my best to notice everything. If there is anything I missed, don't be afraid to point it out to me in the comments! I hope that this review helps! :)*****

FIRST IMPRESSIONS – I know that I've said this many, many times in my other reviews, but I feel the need to say this again because I truly mean it: I love simple Forewords. You have a wonderful title and logline/quote, followed by a short excerpt from the story, and finally, a list of characters. (And you can write in Filipino? Beyond cool!) I love how your Foreword toys with the idea of "unfelt love". Those on the giving end of love is often met with disappointment because the "receivers" do not and cannot feel the love that the "givers" give. That is the curse and charm of unrequited love. No matter how monumental someone's love can be, if nothing is received, that love is useless. I personally consider such a love beautiful and pure. Well, to an extent, haha. Ironically, I'm reading "All's Well that Ends Well", one of Shakespeare's later comedies. The female protagonist is Helen, daughter of the late physician of Rossillion (a county/province in France). Shortly after her father dies, she is placed under the care of the Countess of Rossillion, who had recently been widowed. Helen falls for her son, handsome Bertram, who is the new Count of Rossillion. We quickly discover that her love is unrequited, for he views her as simply a "Physician's Daughter". The entire play is focused on her mission to attain his affections. The main point is: All of her love was "unfelt" by Bertram, no matter how hard she tried to gain his love in return.

In short, I am drawn to your story. By your title alone, I'm curious to see how this unrequited love will be portrayed and whether or not it will be "felt", then returned by Sehun. :) So far, I have a good first impression. I just have a question for your Foreword: is there more? Can you add more to what you have? I'm hoping that you will be able to keep my interest enough to finish the story.

TITLE - Your title is interesting for a few reasons:

1) It is unconventional. There aren't many one-word titles today, especially on AFF. And if a conventional title is considered "one-word", it would be coupled with a determiner (the, a, my, our, etc.). An example of this sort of title would be "The Giver".

2) It is a prefixed word. Adding un- to a word means that it will be a negation; it will be the opposite meaning of the stem word. Confused? I should clarify. "Felt" already strings along an array of connotations. Feelings and emotions are felt and so is touch. "Felt" is a verb for both physical and emotional elements. "Felt" is also a material that is made of fibers, which is a noun. "Unfelt" is the negation/opposite of all of those things. Considering your title and the story that follows, try adding all of these meanings to it. It's mind-blowing when you think about what your story and theme could have been based on your title. XD (I'm sorry. I'm having way too much fun here.)

3) It carries a lot of weight. Because your story is on AFF and "drama" is added as a tag, your readers will automatically assume that it is a romance, or something close to it. Therefore, it will pique their curiosity enough for them to read on to your Foreword.

Great job on your title, by the way. ^^

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION - When I first glanced at your Foreword, I was thrilled. Your title, logline/quote, and Description promise your readers a strong, well thought-out story. Your main OC carries a burden that anyone and everyone who has been in love, or believed themselves to be in love, can relate to. That rhetorical question at the end of your Description is quite entrancing, as well. (I couldn't answer the question for the life of me, but it still caught my attention. XD) However, I'm missing something, which is a REASON for me to be invested in this story. I'm interested, yes, but invested? Not quite yet. There are thousands of two-shots on AFF and even more unrequited love stories, majority of which expand to the far ends of the earth and beyond. My main point is: why must readers get invested in your story? Without a doubt, every story has worth and value, especially to their Authors. I'm sure that you value your stories, but do your READERS value it? And also, what will they take away after reading it? These are just some things to think about in your Foreword.

As a side note: I know that you wrote the original version with HunHan. However, even if you have readers who read your HunHan version, it's best to keep in mind that they probably won't expect the same from THIS version. Also, new readers won't have a clue that this was written previously with HunHan until reading your Author's Note at the end. There has to be a divide between the two because exchanging a different character should make the story ENTIRELY different from the original. In other words, "Unfelt" with HunHan and "Unfelt (Sehun-OC Version)" are two different stories. Just because a character becomes a woman does not give the second version the same color as the first. (I'm sorry if it seems like I'm scolding you, I promise that I'm not. I just needed to stress this point because there has to be a clear difference between the two stories, other than the gender change.) 

I will suggest a two things that will make this Sehun/OC version unique from your HunHan version:

1) Obtaining a poster and background. Not only do these make your Foreword look more presentable, but they should also embody the theme of your work. Of course, you are depending on the creativity of the graphic artist and perhaps he or she may not even achieve the theme you had in mind for the poster. Nevertheless, having a poster and a background will give your readers a visual representation of your theme and of your characters.

2) Adding a short description to each of your characters. Just one or two sentence should do. I understand that this is a two-shot, but it would be nice for your readers to get a feel for your characters before reading your story. It doesn't even need to say how one character is related to the other. You could have a quote or a line that is distinctive of each character, like "Yehet!" or "Kkaepsong!" XD Something that will give your readers a glimpse of what type of character he or she is in the story.

And, of course, you are free to take or leave these suggestions upon your leisure. :)

PLOT - I was pleasantly surprised by your plot. It wasn't as though I was expecting less from it, but I definitely wasn't expecting this masterpiece. In a word, I was mesmerized. I was hooked from (well, not necessarily from the beginning and I will tell you why in a moment), mid-beginning to the end. I knew that it was going to be angsty, but, wow. You blew me away. And I am not easily blown away, especially by a two-shot. So, that's saying something about your story. ^^

The exposition was a little slow in the first chapter as it introduced Chung Ae and Sehun's long-lasting friendship. The interactions between Chung Ae and Sehun are adorable and light-hearted. You had me fooled for a moment that they were a couple. Then, you mentioned that he had someone else. Reality, at least the reality in your story, slapped me hard in the face. The wheels in my head began to turn and as I continued reading, I realized that my predictions were proven right, but my expectations were utterly crushed. In a good way, of course.

The second chapter, on the other hand, began and ended very well and very smoothly. Even though there were time jumps, the story was consistent and thorough. Chung Ae's reactions to Sehun's condition (in lieu of the crying, haha) were incredibly realistic. I will explain more of this later in this section and the next.

Now, instead of going through every single fascinating thing about your plot, I will point out what worked well for me and what didn't.

These worked well:

1) Titles of your chapters. With inclusion to the overarching theme of your story, these mini-themes are what tied your entire story together. And the juxtaposition between your two chapters is amazing. "Promises" are written or verbal agreements (usually publicly or in the witness of others) that link two or more people together until the promises are fulfilled. Whether they are kept or broken is completely under the control of the parties involved. Consequences usually follow a broken promise. "Wishes" are made in secrecy and usually by one individual at a time. This individual does not depend on human actions to have these "wishes" fulfilled. It is usually offered to a higher being (God), entity (star), or element (Fate), of whom or which the individual hopes will fulfill it. The result of a wish is highly expected, yet unpredictable because it is left in the hands of something else; whereas, the result of a promise is completely determined by the parties involved. I believe that your story, even though it is a two-shot, embodies these two themes very well.

2) Seohyun's relationship with Sehun and unexpected friendship with Chung Ae. Seohyun is very interesting character. I will explain more about this later. I just wanted to say that her relationship with Sehun and friendship with Chung Ae adds more meaning to your story. There is a lot of subtextual tension between the two, which makes Chung Ae's love for Sehun and Seohyun's resolve so much more enticing. What I'm trying to say in this mumble-jumble of words is that Seohyun's character works. She may be unconventional, but she works. :)

3) Sehun and Chung Ae's dream of a "train wreck". I'm sure that this is what you meant when you asked me to notice everything, right? Usually dreams are the easy way to foreshadowing an upcoming event. Despite this, the dreams are placed perfectly in the story. The timing is perfect and the images correlate very well with the foreshadowed scene. I will talk more about this in the next point.

4) Water as a symbol. Water is used, very often if I may add, as a universal symbol for Life and Death. The River of Life and the River of Death (another juxtaposition) are at odds with each other in your story. Sehun is alive, yet "emotionally dead." Chung Ae is dead, yet emotionally alive. Her love lives on, his love has died. In your story, water is used to suffocate both of your main characters, Sehun in Life and Chung Ae in death. It's genius, really. ^^ Oh, I have to mention this, too. Sehun's dream foreshadowing the accident and his time with the condition is pure genius. I have no idea how you connected all three elements, but it worked incredibly well.

5) Sehun's injury and condition. Instead of giving him a chance to improve, you give him a very narrow opportunity to do anything, really. (And he's only 19 in your story. >.<) Although this does nothing for Sehun's characters, this provides Chung Ae's character ample space to grow. Sehun's disabilities force Chung Ae to stand up for him and herself. She could be whoever she wants to for Sehun, even though he is unable to recognize her. She could be his friend, lover, mother, sister, and caretaker with the sole consequence of never being able to receive love back. Her feelings are always "unfelt", no matter what she does or says. It's quite fascinating when you think about it.

6) Chung Ae's promises to Seohyun. This worked for two reasons: to show that Seohyun is not a spiteful person and to remind us that it is ultimately Chung Ae and Sehun's story.  

7) Chung Ae's death as a symbol of physical and emotional release and of an unrequited love unfulfilled. When I realized this, I couldn't help, but think, "Ah, this is why it is an angst story." Chung Ae's unrequited love is frozen forever because Sehun didn't respond to her. It is only in death where she is free to love him without being hurt or without being rejected physically, emotionally, or mentally. It's so sad and so beautiful that... I might have feels for this story in the future. XD

8) Epilogue. This provides closure and adds to the angst of the story. Because we know that Sehun did, in fact, love Chung Ae in the past, but decided to pursue another woman in hopes to erase his feelings for her, the story now has multiple layers instead of two. I needed some sort of explanation to the unsatisfyingly satisfying ending, so I'm thankful for the Epilogue.

These didn't work well:

1) Exposition. This was drawn out for way longer than it needed to be. Many things can be cut out without damaging your story, such as Chung Ae waking up to search for Sehun. It may add to the dream-like tone in the beginning, but you can actually do without that and go straight to the candle scene. Since your story is a two-shot, you need to condense everything and that means cutting out parts that are not relevant to your story. However, doing this is entirely up to you. ^^ Your story is already completed, after all.

2) Epilogue. I know that I mentioned that this worked well, but one part left me unsatisfied, "In fact, he was gradually, sincerely falling in love with Seohyun; and soon enough, he would be able to forget his love for Chung Ae." Why did he need to forget his love for Chung Ae when Fate could do it for him? I preferred him to still feel love for Chung Ae, despite his new love for Seohyun. It brings more depth to his character because humans are capable of loving two people at once. It just seems kind of callous of Sehun to "forget" his love for Chung Ae when he saw her every day (as opposed to Seohyun).

CHARACTERIZATION - Chung Ae's character surprised me. Not because of her undying love for Sehun, but rather, how much she is willing to sacrifice even while he has his condition. It doesn't matter if her feelings are "unfelt" by him because it was HER feelings. Her feelings were valid enough to continue loving him through his condition. I'm glad that you didn't end her life with a suicide (as most angst stories often do), but with a third party accident. That way it isn't her choice to move on, but rather, Fate's choice. And in a way, that allows her love to live on past her death. Her love serves as a memory that is not remembered, giving a reason for her love to go on until it IS remembered. It's so heartbreaking. :(

I noticed that she is older than him by three years, yet (at the beginning of the story) she is the one who is unemployed and "mooching" off of him. He is the breadwinner out of the two of them, despite being younger. She shows amazing strength at keeping herself composed around him, especially when she sees him every day. I would think that an older woman would be proactive and vie for a younger man's attention, but I'm glad that you took this route with her. Her actions are juxtaposed with her age, making her age seemingly irrelevant compared to her relationship with Sehun. And it is interesting that she resumes the "older woman" role when Sehun becomes disabled.

Sehun's character doesn't tease my brain like the other main characters in this story. He seems like the typical man and boyfriend. He loves his best friend, yet he loves his girlfriend. And of course, he (like a man) is able to separate what sort of love he has for both women. And in the end, it is all for naught because he remembers neither of them. :( I wished that he had more of a character arc. Your epilogue provided some background for him, but it didn't satisfy me. (Others may feel differently, though, so please don't take these harsh comments to heart.)

Seohyun is a fascinating character. I half-expected her to be the snotty girlfriend that everyone hates at first read, but you pleasantly surprised me (no surprises there). She isn't simply a pretty face who seduces Sehun into loving her, but rather, she is a woman who can tip the world into her favor if she so wishes. She can, but she doesn't. I guess that's why I like her character. She is very honest with her feelings toward Sehun and she confesses that she isn't willing to let him go, even when Chung Ae loves him as well. She doesn't gloat about being with Sehun, she just exists for him. And when she knows that it's her time to go, she releases Sehun into Chung Ae's care. In a way, her love for Sehun also lives on. Through Chung Ae. She genuinely cares for Sehun and Chung Ae as that mature pillar that both of them needs. Sehun needs her to forget his love for Chung Ae; Chung Ae needs her to be reminded of her unrequited love for Sehun. It's a cycle that is broken by Seohyun's death and is replaced by a new cycle that is eventually broken by Chung Ae's death. I wonder if this made any sense. XD

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE FLOW - Although your story is wonderful, this is where I need to be harsh. As I mentioned, I know that you wrote a HunHan version. I can tell that you copied and pasted some paragraphs from your original story to this one. You used "him" when it should have been "her" so many times, that I was getting quite annoyed. I couldn't tell whether or not you knew your gender-specific terms, but then I had to remind myself that this was originally a story... Your second chapter is actually a lot better grammatically because I was able to read through it without stopping to think about what you were trying to say at a certain passage. >.<

There are a lot of grammatical errors that can be fixed through several read-throughs. In order to fix all of these, I would need to print out a hard-copy and use a red pen just to show all of them to you. :( From reading your second chapter, I know that your grammar is not horrible. But, you need to be mindful of your readers when you write another version of your story because they will think that you didn't pay attention to your grammar while you were writing and that spells out that you're lazy. Which I know that you're not, since you created such a wonderful story to begin with!

What I'm trying to say is that it won't hurt to comb through your story again and fix your grammatical errors. It shows that you care about your story and your readers. It has nothing to do with your grammar being horrible because it isn't. Please let me know if I was too harsh here. I tried to be as kind as possible. >.<

STYLE/DICTION - Do not change this. I love your writing style! From your usage of present tense, to your dialogue, and short, clipped sentences, I love your angsty voice. Despite your exposition, everything flowed because of your consistent voice throughout the story. I love your use of dialogue because that is where everything is revealed. You provide an individual voice for each character and I can tell who is talking without having to go back a few lines to review. I love those small instances where you added metaphors such as, "Thorns pierce her, and she can’t do anything but to drop tears," and "Seohyun holds her hands tighter as she fights with destiny’s wish of death for her," because imagery is even more striking with metaphors. Please keep writing the way you do. :)

OVERALL IMPRESSION - My overall impression? Awesome story, but fickle grammar. Based on your style and voice, I hope to read more of your work in the future. :) Perhaps, I won't be as meticulous as I was in this review, but I will definitely take the time to enjoy your story just as I have with this one. ^^

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS - I'm so sorry for taking so long! I know that you wanted this within three days. :( You are free to request from another shop if you so wish. I feel horrible that I didn't quite meet your requirements, even though I said that I would. Anyway, if there is anything about your review that you have questions about please place them in the comments and I will get to them as soon as I am able. Thank you so much for your request! :)